What not to say to your alumnae/alumni
 

I was at the house yesterday after Pref, waiting for bid-day results and doing some training with the new Chapter Advisor. I was looking at one of my old composites (as the women cracked jokes about how our hair didn't even fit in the pictures) and one of the women asked what year (class) that was for me. I told her I was a senior then and she said "When did you pledge?". I said "1984" and she said "That's the year I was born", very matter of factly! I teased her and said "Don't ever say that to an alumna again!".

What have collegians said to you???

Dee

I pledged as a soph in 1982 - I haven't seen a PNM or collegiate recently that was even alive when I pledged. My initiation anniversary is next year, 22 years!

Dee, while it is funny it is not. I am sure nothing was ment by the statement, they were just astounded that someone was still involved at a mature age.:D

Hell most of the new Members are young enough to be my grand sons. Have met some parents and they are younger than me.:(

Most of the Older Alums just call me Old Fart!

Trust me, I dont think any of the newer members hold me in a reveared status as have been haging for almost 40 years.:)

But it is amazing when I visit other Chapters and introduce myself and show my LXA card with the # 1 on it how neat they think it is that I am still so interested in LXA and meeting other Brothers.

Isnt it great though to still be a part of the total Greek Life style ever so often?

Only contacting alumnae when you (chapter) needs/wants money.

I think that the 2 that will come around and bite actives on the butt in a few years are "You don't understand..in your day, I'm certain that no one ever wanted to drink/have sex/whatever," and "Hahahaha! Look at the hairstyles on your composite!"

When I advised my chapter in the eighties, they had a great time laughing at our seventies composites with pictures of our long, straight hair. I was visiting the chapter last year and some girls were laughing and pointing at an old composite. Guess what--it was from the exact year that I was advising and they were laughing at the poufy hair of the day.:D

What goes around comes around.

Or would like you to rent a car for them. As if I live to rent a car to lend to a group of 20 year olds to drive to Detroit!!

Since there's a celebrity on one of my composites, most of the chapter have seen it, and usually say, "You used to be blonde!!" Yes, I also quit bleaching my hair!

I went back to help my chapter with rush the year after I graduated. The rush chair specifically asked the alums to wear something different from the collegians. So I showed up wearing what the alums were asked to wear, and the chapter president came up to me and in her loudest and bitchiest voice demanded to know why I wasn't dressed in the right outfit. And there were PNMs around!!

I left, and for a long time I had nothing to do with my chapter or AEPhi as a result of that incident.

Collegians, please treat your alums with respect.

Yes...I have to agree that respect (especially to younger alumnae) needs to happen....also to alums that graduated from your own chapter...

We've been having a problem where the alums who graduated from their chapter are having the hardest time with the chapter giving them respect. It's like they haven't made the transition to realizing that 1-2-3 years ago this woman was our active sister and now she's not...yet they treat her with so much disrespect...

Also, the active house forgets that as alums we have separate lives outside the chapter...I work 2 jobs, have a husband and a mortgage to pay...so the active house will sometomes request impossible last-minute requests that their alum chapter doesn't have the time to coordinate themselves...

Now if they gave us 3 weeks...that would be more do-able....

Haha! The poor girl didn't mean it as an insult, she was just commenting.. as if we had something in common, really! I pledged the same year as she was born.. it was a connection. One of them also said "Wait, don't show us which one you are, you probably look just the same". It was just cute.

I really enjoy the women of that age group. They are so cute.

Dee

Are the alums giving the active chapter respect?

I mean, when I came back to visit, I didn't expect people to treat me differently than when I was a sister - I didn't expect them to give up their seat so I could sit, clean up after me, sleep on the couch so I could have their bed or anything like that. I didn't expect pledges to know who I was so I introduced myself. If I borrowed something I put it back where it went. We had a real problem when I was an active with alums just wanting their butts kissed, not introducing themselves, etc and then being upset because they were "disrespected." Yes, you should make alums feel welcome, but if they act like jerks they don't deserve respect.

Anyway....

Something to never ever ever say is "oh, when you did (insert pledging activity here) you were really hazed." Maybe by today's standards, but by the standards of the time, no, we were not. Would we come back to visit if we felt we had been? If an alum brings up something like doing a scavenger hunt with the pledges, just say "oh, we're not allowed to do that anymore, nationals considers it hazing" and let it DROP. Don't get on your soapbox about how things are so much better now that everyone is enlightened. It's offensive and turns lots of alums off to the chapter completely.

Not realizing who the alumnae are and totally ignoring them........This has happened to several alumnae sisters I know who went back to the chapter. They were treated with a cold shoulder.

This is also really bad but an active sister a few years back was overheard whining that she wanted to get laid instead of hanging out with the alumnae at alumnae weekend. This was heard by FOUNDERS who went back to visit the chapter.

Ditto. I also tend to have more respect for the alums who come to a little more than Homecoming in order to just look cute.

Actually, yes, the alum in question gave this chapter LOTS of respect. She didn't expect anything different like cited in these examples. She helped out at Rush doing all the behind-the-scenes work with the rest of the alums, went to all their events and was a strong advisor on the board...

We had a harder time with the chapter realizing she was no longer an active and was an advisor who was there to guide them...They would resist her a lot causing a lot of tension....

I personally take the "don't ask don't tell policy".

I don't ask what they did on a weekend night, they don't tell me. I figure I probably don't want to know.......

But the actives also know that I remember how I was and don't hold it against them.

I've been around enough that I've always gotten respect from them (at least in public, god knows what they say in private).

I didn't realize she was an advisor....that's different.

Lots of groups have policies that say you cannot be an advisor, especially to your chapter, if you have been out less than five years - just because it's very very hard to look at girls you have lived with, partied with and shared your love life details with and tell them "well this and that is what you should be doing."

Many times, these rules have been relaxed because there simply isn't the pool of women that there used to be for advisors - but I would advise (no pun) that she resign her position ASAP. She can maybe advise at another chapter or volunteer for the sorority in another capacity, but for now it sounds like this situation is not working at all and not fair to her or the collegians.

Sorry...I should've been more clear.....mea culpa...

I believe she's been out for about 4-5 years now, but she did end up resigning and began working with othr chapters and on a national level as a recruitment specialist helping out other chapters...I think the clear air has helped rejuvenate her enthusiasm towards the organization again...fortunately...especially since she has SO much to offer!

It is a shame that many Active Members just ignor Alum Members until they need help.

While We as Alums have all lived the "GOOD LIFE" as an Active, We have been there and done it.

While times change, they realy stay the same, it is just the faces that change.

All Active Chapters run into the same problems We all delt with, recruitmen, Low numbers, financial problems, how to fill the house if there is one, pay dues, insurance, rent, utilities, etc. that we all went through.

If, all of the Greeks are like LXA, We require an Advisor.

Granted, some may be weak, but some are strong. Maybe more than one is advisable.

Two Heads better than one?

We have a team of advisors that oversee different areas so one person doesn't have to feel so spread thin...we have a team of 10 advisors...it also helps us as alums support one another depending on the time of year and the events that need to be planned.

I agree with this post whole-heartedly. DPhiE is also trying to incorporate the multiple advisors theme. I just took on the responsibility of being an advisor for one of our chapters here in NY and have had a difficult time getting into contact with the chapter. A wise sister told me to remember that actives often associate alumnae (and definately the advisor) with Nationals which to actives seems to = BAD. I am sure it will work out, it just takes time. I agree with those of you that have said to get respect, respect needs to be given. I know that many alumnae have an attitude that when they walk into a room all should be dropped (because this may have been how things were back in their day, fine, times change). I don't think that is how things should be. BUT.............I think it is a way different story when it is an alumnae sisterhood event and bunches of alums are ignored by the actives. C'mon, if it is your ALUMNAE WEEKEND and you are having an event and it is all sisters there (and only sisters there), why would you not at least say hello to the alums? You can at least "fake it"......Another theme I see going on too that gets old really fast is some of us are getting "old" and don't want to go to mixers or events with the frats when we go to alumnae weekend. I would much rather go for an overnight where I am spending time with the sisters at the house, then going out to lunch or dinner and then to town. I think once we get to be over a certain age hanging out with 18-year-old frat boys is not fun anymore (no offense to any of you;), but planning Alumnae Weekend around ABC and XYZ fraternity is not gonna get me and I am sure many other "older" alumnae excited about going........

When I went to help w/rush one time and was still working at midnight (on a weekday) one girl actually said to me "why are you here?" in a not so nice tone. Keep in mind this was not my chapter but a chapter in need of alum support badly. I knew why they didn't have more alums around!

A number of years when I was the General Advisor to a chapter, I was being introduced to what was then called a rushee. The sister told the rushee all of the positions that I had held and then added "That just proves that no matter how old you get, there is always something for you to do in Zeta". After the rush party, I really gave her a hard time but it was all in fun and actually I considered it a compliment.

Seriously, it is a shame that all collegiates don't appreciate the time and effort that many alumnae put into their chapters. I know that as a collegiate, we really appreciated our alumnae and always welcomed them to the house. When it was my turn, I just felt that I was repaying what those wonderful women did for us.

I remember when I was a collegiate we used to respect our alums..we would stand up for them when they walked into a room (okay..maybe that's extreme by today's standards, but we did!!).

Today, when I walk into an active chapter meeting as an advisor, I'm lucky if 4 girls acknowledge that I'm even in the room...in fairness, I try to approach them, but I don't get much reception....any ideas?

I don't care if the girls stand for me when I walk into a room, but I would appreciate it if they were a bit more respectful when other alumnae are in the house, especially our older (70+ years) alumnae.

Please don't talk about getting a stripper for the new members while a member of the advisory board is within earshot. Or how fun said stripper was. Or how wasted you all were. I agree with SmartBlondeGPhiB on the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I know I was far from the model sister when I was an active, I just prefer you not let me know what you're doing now (unless it's in direct violation with house/Fraternity rules).

No, I do not agree with the "Dont Ask Dont Tell" theory!

Just look at the Risk Management Insurance that it is costing each of the chapters.

Respect is a two way street.

I expect respect from being a Founder of The Local and having put my time and money into working with My Chapter for almost 40 Years.

But, on the other hand, I give respect to the Members who have done the work to keep it functioning these almost 40 years.

Tit for Tat. They give me crap, It is given back 10 fold no matter if an Active or an Alum.

If we as Members In good standing who continually strive to work for the betterment of The Chapter and The National, there should be some respect.

If an undergrad doesnt realize that, how long will they be a good Alum Gone in 4-5 and forgotten? Oh Yes, We have Had Many!:(

we ALWAYS stand up for alum... even recent ones, which feels weird sometimes.

When I went to help w/rush this year and walked in the room everybody stood up. I remember when I was in school we always stood for alums as well. It may be extreme but I do think it's nice.

standing
 

we also stood for alumnae, but times have changed and people are a lot less formal than they used to be.

i too don't want to hear what they got up to over the weekend, unless they are in trouble or rescued a blonde baby from being run over by a speeding delivery truck!! but i must say that the chapter i advise does seem to appreciate that we are there, and i appreciate that!!

And I must say, this year when I helped with rush we had several girls come up to us and thank us for our help. We told her she could repay the favor by helping when she's an alum too and I hope she will.

Speechpath, the common curtesy of this day and age is gone normaly because of laziness of training many times.

Respect is learned and earned but should never be forgoten.

I have been to many LXA houses and chapters. Received Stand up and asking or saying Hi, I am so and so. But also the other way.

Wont mention the U. In Ok. but to busy playing Ping Pong to say high, how are you, I am so and so.

This should not be done for just Alums, but anytime a stranger walks in the door.

Courtesy is something that should be common.

Never know, That Stranger or Alum could be a big Donator or not!

Anytime I see someone I do not know if I am not tied up, I always try to Introduce myself.

Just try to never meet a stranger!:D

DITTO!!

And DITTO for munchkins post too about showing up for more than just homecoming!

respect is a two way street and it should come from both sides. alums should not expect, or want for that matter, to have their butts kissed!

Butt kissing , wow, waht is that.

Hell, I am the oldest Alum of My Chapter and the Abuse I get is terrible. I would not have it any other way.:D

The Love is still there and while I am not always listened to I still have some good ideas and thoughts!

While I am # 1. I am just a Number, along with all of those that are up into the 600 +.

While yes, I founded My Local, it took everyine to still be functioning to this day!

Tom, we mean don't ask don't tell in a different fashion.

For example, as a recent alumna, I think your story about sneaking down the SigEp fire escape so nobody realized you shacked is hilarious. However, our 65 y/o alumna who writes the chapter $1,000 checks doesn't think it's funny, she thinks you're a ho and she doesn't want to hear it.

I do want to hear if you're having an open-source party at a fraternity house, because that's a no-no, and we can talk about why. I don't need to hear about your personal life and how well hung your latest XYZ boyfriend is.

I agree. You have to know what topics of conversation are appropriate and what aren't. I think that it's better to err on the side of caution so you don't offend.

Funny story. A few years ago, I was taking to someone who had attended her 50th college reunion. (Not my school.) She told stories that made me blush. Apparently, college after WWII was a really wild place. :o There were lots of cute guys on the GI Bill who were looking for fun.

YES! If you run out of appropriate things to talk to your alums about, ask what the chapter used to be like when they were active, who they swapped with, what campus was like, whatever.

Always thank the alumnae for their help!
 

My Creative Memories lady is a sorority member from a local university. She was telling me about how she used to be involved in her local alum. assoc., etc., but one day she sent her husband out to the house to re-do a ton of stuff (for free!) on the house (her husband works in construction). We're talking several hundred dollars worth of stuff.

Never received a thank you note, a phone call thanking them, or even a word of thanks in passing.

That's why she's not involved anymore.

I've been trying to think of even one example of this since I first saw this post, and can't - but maybe that's just my experience.

I do think that, when 60- and 70-year-old alumnae come to visit, and the elevator's broken, which means they have to walk up 20 flights of 15 stairs each, smart actives would at the very least offer them a seat and a cold drink. I have unfortunately, seen these elder alumnae panting and not offered a thing. Now, that gets my dander up!

GP's suggestion is good - when all else fails, ask questions. We had celebrities both visit & live in our house, which made for some interesting conversation!

I don' t know, but I might want to get laid more than hang out with actives from my chapter on a weekend too.... ;)


I guess I think the worst thing to do with alumna is to not realize that you are sisters and deep down very similar. I feel like the minute you remember that you are all in the same boat working for the same thing, realtions become much more easy to maintain!

I recently attended a rush event for my chapter and was the oldest alumna there. I could tell a couple of the younger PNM's were a bit confused as to who I was, so I went directly to them to chat. They don't see me every other day like they do the active sisters, after all.

One of them asked when I graduated from BU. I told her '97, and she exclaimed "I wasn't even in junior high then!" and then quickly blushed.

We had a good laugh.

I think one of the worst things an alum can do is put on an arrogant attitude *because* (s)he is an alum. Remember that they are younger and are in college. They're simply not going to be reacting the way we as out-of-college adults would think to act.

If there is a serious problem with behavior, though, I'd recommend quietly speaking to that member alone or going to the president and having a quiet word.

I'm from a young chapter so we don't have our chapter alumnae, but I've heard stories from our Nat'l convention and greek alumnae from my college. These women were probably in their 70s at least and telling us the most hair rasing things they did in college. So while yes, you should be polite, I also don't think you should be afraid to get into the hilarious stories if they bring them up. From carrying men into the dorm in carpets to how they broke the no drinking rules, they were just the funniest women I'd ever met. And part of them loved that there was a sorority connection so they could tell those stories, stories you don't want to tell your children or grandchildren, and that is a very neat connection.

my 2cents