Why would anyone?
 

Hi everyone!!

I'm trying to spin my head around this one, but I'm having problems with it...

A friend of mine went through rush and pledged a house...during the NM-ship, she didn't know whether she wanted to remain in the house...she kept teetering back and forth...

Well, she went ahead and got initiated...a month after initiation, she de-activated!! Her reasoning was that "I thought it might get better after initiation."

Okay...this may be plausible, but there's so much she now knows about her sorority and could've saved A LOT of money as initiation fees, badge fees, etc. can rack up a lot of money...I guess knowing how much my sorority means to me and how much more it means because of the rituals involved, that it seems crazy to me that someone would go through initiation only to drop out a month later...especially when they weren't sure they wanted to stay in to start with!

How do others feel about situations like these in your own houses? (P.S. my friend didn't pledge MY house...we were on two different campuses and she pledged a different house altogether...)

This was some time ago, right? She's not in her late 30's or anything, is she? :D (might be a clue)

People do it all the time though. Committment to different people means different things and is important only in certain situations.

Maybe her experience wasn't as positive as yours and something happened to push her over the edge after she had initiated?

My mother turned in her pin after her big and the older girls graduated. She had nothing in common with her pledge class b/c she had spent the last 3 years hitchiking and studying in Europe while those girls had just graduated HS. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

The bottom line was that she probably wasn't enjoying it and felt that her time and emotional energy were better spent elsewhere. Greek life ain't for everyone.

Re: Why would anyone?
 

Her reasoning about "it might get better" part makes sense to me. I was in a similar situation with my previous and in my current org. Both had a rocky start. I saw potential in both. That's why is stuck around so long. I regret dropping/de-pledging my last org and I'm glad that I stuck around in my current organization.

Hmmm...interesting perspectives...just to let you know, she was a freshman. I agree if she was older it might have made a difference.

Thanks for the feedback! As we're about to go through Recruitment in 1-1/2 weeks, I always like introspects about others' processes during this time...

Sometimes it is very hard for people to quit or pull away from something. So it can take a long time to actually do it, even if they have been having doubts.

There's also a lot of pressure on unitiated members who are unsure to "stick with it" and try to make things work-- pressure from the new member coordinator, big sister, and other new and initiated member who whole-heartedly just want the unsure member to feel as good about the experience as they do.

Different strokes for different folks. Sometimes, at a young age, the thought of being ostracized by a group of friends for leaving the group is worse than not enjoying the group at all... so they stick it out, only to drop the group when they feel a stronger sense of self and the ability to do it. Money spent, time wasted and the ineligibility to join another society are not considerations while the thought of hurting other people's feelings is paramount in the person's mind.

I'm sure your friend just did what she thought was right at the time. And what is college, if not a place to make mistakes and learn more about yourself?

Very good point! I don't think any less of her b/c she de-activated...but she's never been able to give me a reason as to why she left except to say, "B/c I didn't want to be there any more...."

As a result, I'm just trying to get a feel as to the possibiliites...especially as a NM class is upon us....

I've often wondered the same thing too.

I think that's one of the reasons a longer new member period is better. Maybe not the entire semester, like it used to be...but long enough to make a good decision. I don't think the current six weeks (OK, 8 with the first "paperwork" week and the final initiation "week") is enough to learn about the group or learn to be a part of it. Or make a decision - before initiation - to leave.

I realize I'm probably coming down on the wrong side of things here, but don't we all pledge ourselves to our GLO's for life?

If you make that pledge without really and truly having every intention of making good on it, then why make it? Pledging a sorority is about making a commitment, and to me, backing down from a promise says a lot about a person's character. Especially in a situation where you know you're not entirely sure about it before initiation. It's really not any different from being engaged to someone, having doubts, marrying them anyways, and getting divorced shortly after.

I have to agree with you here...when I first became an advisor 10 years ago, I have a hard time with the decrease iin NM-ship and how fast the NMs were initiated...I see the active women of today and how much they truly know the history versus years ago when the "pledges" learned in depth history, tradition and rituals of AXO.

However, my friend went through "pledgeship" when her chapter was still using the entire term for pledging...not the 6/8 week programs...

Who knows why some women choose to stay or go? I agree that often times, once a woman is a new member, if she starts to have second thoughts, others will try to convince her to stay. And she may feel that pressure and stay, but ultimately, nobody can make the woman do what she doesn't want to do. I applaud her that she at least deactivated. I've seen some instances like there where the woman just falls off the face of the earth, stops attending meetings, events, rush, etc., and the chapter ends up footing the bill...

The difference is that everyone knows the words to the wedding ceremony long before they get engaged. No one knows what the ritual will be like, or what promises they will be expected to make, until they go through it. Maybe you make the promise because there are a hundred women in white robes kneeling around you holding candles and you don't want to make a big scene saying "No."

Re: Re: Why would anyone?
 

I agree. There's been so many times where I've joined an organization where I initially hated the people I was with. As I got to know them, I grew to enjoy them very much. Then again, some people maybe are so unconfortable at first that they cant even consider ever staying.
Personally, I think it was good that she got out. Im sure the other members wouldnt appreciate a sister that really didnt want to be there.

Also, these things aren't as important to everyone as they are to others. So, dropping out of a social group carries less weight for one person than it does for another. It just depends on the person. I don't think it makes one lesser than another person. Greek Life isn't for everyone. And that's ok...

Regarding the concept of "Forever" being expendable... For example, look at the declining marriage rates worldwide.

Till Death Do Us Part really doesn't matter much these days.

I am in agreement that the new member period should be longer. I believe it was shortened as a risk management tactic-- it's not as tempting to haze your initiated members, you know? But as a new member of the Junior League, I had to wait a full year to become a member with full privileges, and I enjoyed having that year really getting to understand the organization, and participating in both active member and new member activities. If traditional college-age students could be trusted to act like adults... many can, but the unfortunate few who cannot ruin it for us all.

NPC needs to really look at today's sorority woman and what will compel her to remain a member for life. The world changes so quickly... we need to keep up.

For the orginal question from the adviser-- I would recommend doing weekly surveys among the new members about their levels of satisfaction with their experience. Also, the "big sisters" should be assigned sooner, rather than later, to help the new member feel welcome and looked after. The big sisters should also meet weekly with the new member coordinator to talk about the new members' happiness.

During recruitment, everyone puts on a good face-- the sisters want the PNMs to love them and the PNMs (ostensibly) want every house to consider them for membership. So it would be hard to tell until bids are issued who will stay for the long haul. I think it is important to recognize that once they have a bid, they shouldn't have to "prove" themselves-- outside of passing new member education-- they're in. But if a woman consistently seems like she isn't acclimating or fitting in, I don't see anything wrong with a heartfelt talk between her and the NMC, or her and the chapter president, her big sister, or all three. Everyone just wants what is best for the new member.

These are great points and I will definitely bring them back to the advisor who oversees membership & NM education...I just remember my own pledge class that 1/3 dropped out before initiation and another 1/3 after initiation (probably why my own chapter closed in the long run)...I want to make sure (can't guarantee anything though) that the active girls are as involved as possible in interacting with the NMs so they have a good initiation and the best house possible..

Thanks for the suggestions!

Maybe they don't know what the ritual will be like, but part of new member education is making sure that the new members know it is a lifetime commitment prior to ritual. If that isn't part of the education process, then maybe therein lies the problem--the chapter needs to make sure that the new members understand this. While I didn't know what ritual was prior to being initiated, I knew "AOII is for Always".
I guess maybe I take promises/pledges to heart more than some people do!

ariesrising, good points made!! The problem is that if everyone could just go alumna when they didn't like their chapter, no one would be a dues-paying collegiate member and much revenue would be lost. Most of the sororities I know of will not allow you to go alum unless you are graduating or leaving the university to transfer schools, get married or start a family. So if you don't meet those criteria, and you are disatisfied with your membership, you have the option of remaining a dues-paying undergrad member or voluntarily cancelling your membership and no longer being a sister. In cases where you have an unforseen financial hardship or family emergency, or you are taking a semester to study abroad, you can take advantage of a one-time "inactivity" status that saves you from paying your dues for the remainder of that academic year.

And sadly, sororities do a great job of promoting the undergrad experience, but alumnae associations exist primarily as a support group. There is no huge push to recruit alumnae members, nor requirements for alumnae chapters to stay in operation (number of service hours a year, etc)... nor motivation to require a new or older alumna to remain actively involved in the sorority. I call again on the great Junior League model-- there are requirements that you must fulfill and after a set number of years, you take on a voluntary sustainer status where you pay dues and have limited requirements that differ from active members.

If sororities actively recruited alumnae members for AI and made specific membership requirements, more women would be compelled to remain active post-college, IMHO. The reason we lose so many woman to volunteer groups like JL is that their numbers are larger and there is expecation for performance. In alumnae associations, your membership status is not in jeopardy for failing to show up to the annual meeting or completing service hours. If we hold our alumnae members to the same expectations as collegiate members, and foster that expectation from the time they are new members, you would see sororities having much greater success at both the collegiate and alumnae levels, as well as earning the support and respect of college adminstration. Again, IMHO.

Some sororities don't offer that option. You're either an active collegian or you're not a sister. I know that we only offer special status for things like illness and extreme family hardship. "I just don't like it" doesn't cut it. I think that special status was abused in the past (in lots of groups, not just mine) and that's why the requirements to get it are stricter than they used to be.

A 6 week pledgeship was plenty for me, but that was with a chapter of 30 sisters. I can't imagine having to get acclimated to an LSU-size chapter in 6 weeks.

As the president of our alumnae group, we've been working collaboratively with other alum groups to try to increase membership and work together to provide ideas and referrals for each other...

Yes, most of the active members are also the advisory board (I'm also an advisor...go figure!), but there are newer members who are coming out of the woodworks to join activities that are alum-only. We've incorporated events for the families, not restricted to one location (all over California to allow members to attend) and vary the types of events to connect to various tastes...

Ironically, when the alums aren't involved with the active house, they wonder where we are...when we are there, then they sometimes feel like we're there too much...still trying that healthy balance! LOL

For DG, you have to be active for 2 years and be a 5th year senior in order to take early alum status. We don't have an inactive status.

For AXO (unless something has changed?!), if you are holding less than 12 units, you will also be asked to go alum. I had to do this with a year-and-a-half of school left (I was on the 6-year plan as I was a transfer student). So I was already alum when my chapter closed, but I was still on campus and attended the last meeting as an alumna.