the "Talk"
 

When is it the appropriate time to have the "Talk" with your significant other? Ya know, the "are-we-dating-exclusively" talk.

Here is my story: I met "the boy" (henceforth known as AB) in November. Actually, he claims we met in October. However, I was completely shitfaced and don't recall the supposed meeting at all...or the fact that I apparently stole a lolipop out of his mouth...so in my mind, it didn' happen. Moving onward, we met at the end of Nov (at a mixer, no less) and hung out pretty much all the time for the rest of the semester. He went to my formal and I went to his semi-formal. We see each other over winter break-as he lives about 30min away, he comes skiing with my family, etc. Problem arises- he studied abroad the spring semester. Before he leaves in Feb, he comes to school at least twice to see me and one to see me at home when I get mono and mommie picks me up from school. He leaves. We email. Almost weekly. He comes back in July. Calls me the day he gets in. Sees me the next day. We hang out for the rest of the summer. He's a super senior back at school; I'm home,2 hours away, commuting to grad school.

Problem? WE NEVER HAD THE "ARE WE DATING TALK?" Because I'm a big fat chicken and couldn't do it, most likely of fear that he would say no.

This is very atypical for me. I'm not a timid person.

Is it too late to have the Talk? Thoughts? Comments? Anything?

I've been bouncing this around with another person for quite awhile ;) , and while I trust that person's opinion, I just want to see how others in the same situtaion react.

Has anything ever happened between you two? Or is it simple that you hang out a lot together? If you just hang out then most likely you aren't dating but you can always change that.

I would def talk to him about it. If you aren't sure about the situation then there is a good chance that he isn't sure either.
Take yourself out of limbo and go for it.

No no no no no. Its too late. There is a window to have that talk and its closed. LEt him enjoy his senior year as unencumbered as he wants to be. He's Greek, let him enjoy his mixers and the new sorority pledges :) This is his last year of it.

IF he doesn't start seeing others its gravy, if he does, well that answers your question also.

thanks for saying that

put to put Dolphin Chica's mind at rest....he called you the day he got in, so if I were you, I wouldn't worry.

What were Rudey's words in the other thread? Something about burning in fire and brimestone....
yeah, thats me.

Burn, baby, burn:cool:

I don't think it's ever too late to have The Talk, but I usually try to manipulate the situation so it's the guy initiating the discussion instead of me.

co-sign

Ditto here.

Satan does not serve lemonade in Hell young lady!

-Rudey
--REPENT!

If you don't establish the parameters of the relationship, and he hooks up with another woman, don't get mad at him for cheating.

I actually had a "talk" saying that I refused to engage in relationship defining talk.

So far, we've been monogomous for 4 years. The 'State of the Relationship' talk -- "Where are we, where are we going" crap places undue stress on a relationship in my opinion and should be avoided at all costs.

Just go with the flow and allow the relationship to define itself.

There's only lime-ade? *screams* The Horror!

Don't ruin it for him by giving her sane advice! Remember the guy code lol.

Thats very cool actually. How did she take it when you said it like that?

She agreed actually. Also, she doesn't have a choice. It takes two to have "the talk". Since she's still around, it obviously didn't bother her too much ;)

As long as I'm still feeling semi-young, I'll never be able to take a state of the relationship talk seriously. I believe that relationships are serious things, but instead of being based on rules, they should be based on mutual respect.

Does that make sense?

Well, I think the biggest question hasn't been answered. Do you want to be exclusive with him? If you do, and you want to have a realtionship, perhaps you should let him know that (because you really can't have one if he doesn't know). If you don't, or if you think it would be too hard to have one while you are 2 hours away, then drop it.

Absolutely, makes sense.

IT seems that defining a relationships is way of guilting the person into staying even if the feelings fade or they feel like doing something (someone) else.

A genuine state of the relationship talk would have to happen like monthly to see if both partners still "felt" the same.

When some women talk about the "The Talk", they mean a 4hour gabfest of "What do you like about me?" "Do you love me?" "Can I call you my boyfriend?" "Do you see us getting married someday?" and all sorts of other crap that tv shows make you think are important. I'm hoping this isn't what you mean.

How about you condense it into the 2 minute version-
"I really care about you and would like to see you exclusively. If you aren't interested, I hope you let me know so that I can move on before it is too late." Then just listen to the answer without getting into anything else.

This really isn't a big talk to have-it is a little thing to just clarify your feelings for each other at the moment.
Don't stress about it-just get it over with.

Hope this helps!

ABSOLUTLY NOT!!!! Hell, I don't think I even want to get married.

I basically want to know if we are dating exclusively or not.

Here is a second part to the question.... is it wrong to have this conversation over the phone? I say yes, a friend says no. Thoughts?

When I refer to "the talk" I'm specifically talking about the discussion as to whether to be exclusive -- which really is a pretty quick conversation to have. In my opinion, unless two people have agreed to be exclusive, either party could start seeing/screwing/whatever someone else at any time and the other person would have no cause to be upset about it. Many, many people in relationships want to know when the expectation of exclusivity arises, which isn't until both people agree to it.

I would never, ever have the discussion over the phone. That's something that should be done in person.

lol

I'd advise couples to do it on the 15th of each month.

I hate "the talk". I recently had one, and I wouldn't have even done it, except that we had been seeing each other for 2 months, and he told me he thought we were just "hanging out". C'mon just "hanging out"! I "hang out" with the 20 other guys I'm friends with that I don't want to date.

So we decided that we are dating and now he won't return my emails.

The talk can be summed up in 4 words, "So what are we?"

-It worked with my husband :D

Then you probably aren't dating ;)

Why corner someone into this when they don't want to be? If you don't like the situation, and you're not at the same place in your life or wanting the same things in a relationship, it's just time to move on.

State of the Relationship talks rarely turn out well -- and if they do, there's always a better way to handle it.

It's very intimidating for the person that is not bringing it up and it's rarely an honest exchange. It's just one trying to placate the other.

I agree with ktsnake for the most part. I think that in a good, healthy relationship, both parties just go with it and the exclusivity is implied. Nobody is feeling insecure because you're both confident about the other person's feelings. IF your value systems dictate that in order to be sleeping together, you must be exclusive, then that should be communicated before the event occurs. I don't think that has to be done as "the talk". Hopefully you're sharing your belief systems, etc and finding them compatible before you get to that point. I don't think anybody wants that dropped on them and I knew a lot of women who assumed things were exclusive because they were sleeping together and their SO wasn't on the same page and wouldn't have taken them to bed if they knew that exclusivity was implied. I don't think these "exclusively dating" situations mean much anyway. The only real committment is marriage.

Dee

Surprisingly, most of the guys I've dated have made me define the relationship. Until he mentions an exclusive relationship, I assume he's dating other girls and so I date or go with friends to happening places. I got tired of the weirdness of guys if I asked, so I make them define it. Why stop looking for Mr Right if he's only interested in being Mr Right Now? :D

That's your personal value system though ;)

What I mean by that, is that if you are exclusively dating and you meet someone you want to date instead, you just break up. It isn't as if you owe it to the other person to stay with them forever. I'm divorced twice too, so obviously marriage isn't necessarily forever to me either! But you have to really work harder to get divorced than to just break up with someone. :p

Dee

I am reminded of "Beware the Ides of March."

I don't think that I have ever had a "let's define our relationship" talk so I really can't give advice here.

Definitely a point NOT in favor of marriage. The part where it makes it harder to leave someone so you can date someone else you would rather be with.

ITs like a massive penalty clause.

Consider my situation though, my name is on my lease with my girlfriend. That's committment right there :D

I don't forsee breaking up anytime soon, but in my opinion it's better to give the car the ol' test drive before buying it.

Yup. If you marry, in my opinion, you should be as certain as possible that divorce is not an option for you. I'm working in that direction at the moment. I work in a family law practice, so I know what is involved in divorce, it's a serious pain in the ass. Especially when kids are involved.

I don't want that, so I prefer to be as certain as possible.

I guess I got lucky and avoided this all together...

I've only dated 1 other person since high school, and I went to the kind of high school where you didn't "just date"...you were either friends only or boyfriend/girlfriend, people didn't "see other people"

With the 1 since high school, it was never an issue because our relationship evolved from me inviting him to a party with me to him at my house every single night in a matter of about 2-3 weeks.


I can definatly see how it would be an issue though...and I don't think it's ever too late to have "the Talk"...I like the "Hey, what are we?" idea.... It gets you an answer without seeming like an ultimatum...

You'll never hear me make a Pro-Marriage argument. I found it to be very oppressive. I think it's a societal scam. I see no point in it, other than financial gain (and we've had this talk before!)


Dee

I used to think so too, and I still do to some extent. But I think it's important to practice being in a good, healthy realtionship where you are trusting and you are being trusted.

Is this something they teach you in LEAD or the Legion of Honor...heheh my SN said the same thing 4.5 years ago. =P

And to give my .02, just make it easy and ask if he was planning on seeing other people at school or if you were going to be exclusive. I'd say he likes ya a lot since he called you the day he got back from his study abroad, but I'm a girl, and sometimes we need the Berger truth.."He's just not interested." I like the truth even though it sucks sometimes.

No, not in LEAD.. maybe I should write an email to the guy that writes it. They seriously need a relationships section.

It's cool though. I think there's a difference between "Where are we right now?" vs. "Where are we going?" if you catch my meaning. It's fine to ask if you're exclusive. But if you ask what the future holds ("Where are we going from here?"), you might as well call Madame Cleo. How's anyone going to know that stuff? He'll either get pissed off and call you out (which he should do) or he'll say whatever he knows will make you happy.

LEAD and the Legion of Honor had useful stuff. But I learned about what not to do in relationships from people who are in the process of becoming divorced ;)

I dunno... At 30-something, playing games are old...
 

I use to believe "love the one you're with..." and "let things just happen..." Then year after year, I found myself alone on "special days"--like birthdays, Christmases, New Year's Eves and Valentines Days... And year after year, I got older...

And it always seemed that all the guys I'd "hang out with" would abandon me right before those "special days"... Or do some chit to me that would not be cool...

Basically, let me put it to you this way: When I found myself 30-something years old, alone in the hospital and the guy I was "seeing" chose not to check in on me, I made the active decision to shift my understanding to what was important to me and desire to have a stable, maritial and meaningful relationship with a MAN...

So, for me with my then man I was seeing (who is now my husband), I had to have "The Talk" with an "ultimatum"--because my health and age could no longer could sustain the stress of bullisht games. And it pissed him off initially, but, I just could not allow myself to live for 6 months with somebody and not know what the "deal" was...

My cut off time was 3 months--then I actively decided to move on... Fortunately, I did not have to, this time--the last time... And I am happy...

But your situation may be different from mine as is everyone's elses...

If you're having sex, you owe it to YOURSELF to ask if you're exclusive.

You need to know because your health is involved. And if he won't tell you, leave. That's indiciative of a whole host of issues -- he's disregarding your feelings, disregarding your health, being elusive, avoiding conflict.

It's up to you how you bring it up. What works for some girls is saying, "Let me know if you start sleeping with someone else." It's not an ultimatum, it's not a requirement -- and if the guy cares about you, it's not going to be an issue.