Would you date your friend's ex?
 

Hello all,

I was reading last week's issue of "Jet". The relationship topic was "Is it okay to date your friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend?"
Jet usually has four or five experts in the field and they usually have a variety of opinions. This time they seemed to agree that is not a good idea, no matter how bad or peaceful the break-up was.
I agree with this. I think, scratch that, I know that it causes major problems. I'm sure most people will agree, but there are those who differ. Has anyone ever experienced this? If not, what is your opinion? What would you do in a situation like this?

Hello ladies of DST:

Heck NO! I would NOT date a friend's, a relative's, or a Soror's EX-anything! I don't care how long they have been apart. I regard these people highly. There is no way on this earth that I could do that! Nor would I want to...there are too many fish in the sea (even though it does not always seem like it). But I could not do that.

If it happened to me...I would be very DISAPPOINTED and would have to distance myself from that person.

This case happened last week to this guy friend of mine. He told me the couple called him to tell him they were getting together. He said he was not jealous, but he thought his "friend" would not have done that to him.

He has distanced himself from the "friend". He and the ex-girlfriend were merely associates.

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG POST!

Personally, I'd never feel comfortable doing it, even if I was really attracted to the guy! I agree that it's a bad idea, but I can't help but wonder: What if maybe--just maybe-- your friend's ex is your Divine Soulmate? How do you know whether he/she is "The One" God has chosen for you?!?!? Like AKA2D, I think I'd be disappointed and flat out HURT, depending on my feelings for the guy or the nature of our relationship (and break-up), but at the same time, I'd want my friend to be happy. But perhaps I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here.

If their "union" came after the fact, then I'd probably try my best to get over it; if I discover that they'd been secret lovers while I was with the guy, then we'd have problems. If it were me and my friend's ex, I'd be totally lost and confused. My mind would be saying "HELL NO," but my heart might actually be saying the opposite. This is when prayer and open, honest communication with all involved are key, I guess.

This is kinda interesting, so I'd love to hear some other folks' thoughts!



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Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.
Pi Kappa, SP97
#3 of QUINTESSENCE

I don't think this is something I would ever even think about doing, the discomfort factor would be too high. Not to condemn anyone who would, it's just not something I would do. For those who would and have done it I think there are some circumstances to consider, like if he dated your friend for a week or something that's one thing, if they had a year-long relationship (or something along those lines) I think that may be crossing a boundary.

Love,
Me

I posted this response on another forum with the same question...

This did not happen to me personally, but it did happen to a very good friend of mine. Long story short:
Girl meets boy from another town while in high school. They become pen pals
Girl and boy go to college in same town (different schools, but near each other)
and remain friends, but date other people
After about 2 years boy introduces girl to a friend of his and they began to date.
Girl introduces boy to one of her friends and they began to date.
Dating last about 2-3 months. Original girl and original boy realize that they really
like each other, friends realize they like each other and couples 'switch'
Fast forward.... Original boy and girl are married (to each other) and have 3 kids.
"Friends" are also married to each other and have 4 kids. Both couples have been
married over 10 years
They are all still friends and even though they live in different cities keep in
contact. When they get together they say they are glad they all realized the way
things were supposed to be before it was too late!

Sooooo....although I will say I would NOT date an ex of a good friend of mine, I
think this is a one -in- a million case of where it actually worked out!

I had the same thought. But I don't think I would go through a lot of "drama" or hurt feelings to find out if he was the one. I live in a small Texas town, so it's sort of hard to not have someone's "sloppy seconds". The thing that really bothers me is that it will be the ex-boyfriend/lover of one of my cousins! I mean brother, can you try to date someone outside of my family?!?

AKA2D- No apology needed. All responses are desired and welcomed. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
Fellas' what do you have to say?



[This message has been edited by c&c1913 (edited August 11, 2000).]

c&c1913, My mother used to say the same thing about growing up in her small GA town, except it was typical that she was dating a distant cousin!! Picture this: guy comes over to pick you up for a date, parents ask the infamous "who yo peoples is?" question. It's then determined that his grandmothers first cousin married your great uncle so y'all are 'in the family' and can't date!! LOL I love my 'BigMamma' (my grandmother for the non country folks), but she would claim kin to anybody!! LOL

Hello everyone http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

I personally would not date my friend's ex but I think it depends on the people involved. My brother has been married for 4 years to the woman he met while in high school. Before they starting dating, she (now his wife) had dated at least 2-3 of his CLOSE friends. I did not like her at first because, my first impressions of her was "this girl is moving through a close knit of friends causing chaos. The little tramp!" http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/mad.gif . But they are happily married and perfect for each other. Also, I couldn't have asked for a better sister-in-law. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

I would have never done what she did but hey, who am I to judge.

[This message has been edited by kissy324 (edited August 11, 2000).]

This is a NO NO!! Nothing but hurt would result between you and your friend!!

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Set your goal!! Strive!! Bask in your reward!!

Positive Kay

All too Familiar
 

Well, I am actually dealing with this very situation. It sucks big time, and I have never felt this torn in my life. On one hand I love this girl and I mean the real deal. On the other hand I love my friend dearly. I know I can't put my friend through this. Also, if I don't go through with this I will be left thinking "what if". Either choice I make will destroy a heart and make a heart. I know I would be betraying a friend. I also know that I may very well betray my own heart. This is not a situation I chose to be in because we all know that love just kinda happens. It's easy to talk about this from an outside perspective in black and white/right and wrong terms. But, when you are sitting up late at night feeling equally happy and guilty those lines begin to blur. What is right for my friend may hurt me. What is right for me may hurt my friend. Somebody has a cross to bear, does it really matter either way? Of course I have sought advice from other friends and family. Again, it's all equally split. There is no simple answer and I can't claim to have found my own. Either path I take will have a heavy toll on me and someone else. I have a heart in each hand and have to decide which one to crush. His or hers. Either way I walk away from this as both a hero and villain. What would you do?

Negative ghostwriter. I don't care how long they have been apart, if you were with my girl, then I am so cool on you. However, I don't mind if one of my friends/associates dated someone I dated previously.

Wow, good luck to you. I wonder if you have talked to your friend about this situation, I mean the friend who is part of this situation? How does he feel? I think that that may be the only way to get some form of solace. Once again, good luck!

I would have to say no...

What does the girl have to say? How does she feel about it?

All I can say is that matters of the heart are so difficult and delicate. Have you spoken to your friend about this? From what I read it seems like your friend is out of the loop. You need to come clean with your friend and tell him the deal. That is probably why you feel so bad because you are being sneaky. Be honest about your feelings and let the chips fall where they may.
I hope that everything works out for the best.

To come this far in my life and have to deal with drama of this sort is so useless, IMHO. I could never deal with, mess with, date or sleep with any of my friends ex's. There is just to much that comes with it. Not to mention that the circle of sisters/friends I hold close to me all have such different taste in men, even still I could never do.

However that doesn't mean that it has not been done to me. In both cases the friendship had to come to an end, mainly due to the gossip and slander that came with it. I've seen some women who can deal with it and move on but I have also witnessed things just fal apart completely with female friendships. One word of advice I would offer to anyone in this particular situation would be. if you are not cool with the situation, voice it as soon as you become made aware of it. Hiding what you feel toward your friend and ex will only add issues.

I say talk to your friend about it. That's really your only option. Keep in mind that guys seem to feel differently about this type of situation than girls. While this is an absolute NO to all girls that I know, most guys seem to be indifferent if not cool w/it when the question is posed to them.

I don't think I could have a relationship with someone who had a relationship with friend/family/Soror. Too many fish in the sea for that!

But I also would have to add that it depends on the circumstances, and the friend. I have some exes that I would GLADLY pass around to friends because they're wonderful people and I would like them to be happy. I would have no issue with it.

So go figure!

I've seen this kind of thing happen with my friends twice in the last year ... serious drama. Both of the resulting couples turned out well, but the mess that they left in their wake - :eek: In both cases it was women who began dating men that a friend had broken up with, and both women lost a lot of friends and caused a lot of conflict amongst friends over their decisions. I suppose if a friend's ex is really THAT important to you that you're willing to do that, it's your call, but the man better really be something special.

All too Familiar update
 

First of all, I deeply appreciate all the sound and non-judgemental advice you all have given. So I decided to take the right path as mentioned by some of you. I decided to come clean to my friend and to not put our close friendship at risk. I also decided to tell her what I was about to do. This had a duel purpose. First, she had a right to know plain and simple. Second, I knew it would reveal her intentions towards me ie. Was I a rebound? As soon as I told her what my course of action was going to be, she got very angry. As I spoke with her, she mentioned how much she wanted to get away from my friend (their relationship ended with abuse by the way). But when I stood my ground and told her that I would not build a relationship on the pain of a friend she began to say that she was still in love with him. Ultimately she has decided to go back to him. I know that in the end I did the right thing, but there is some sick irony here; none of us have moved forward. She will go back to him and probably be abused more and he will get away with it again. Everybody has returned to square one. Am I bitter? Yes a little bit because i feel used. I also know that I did the right thing for me and becuase of that, I can now go about my life without this burden. Funny how life tends to unfold in the most deranged way possible isn't it? Word of advice for anybody in this kind of situation; make sure you are aware of everybody in the trianges' intentions, act from your head and not you're heart and it just might work for you.

^^^wow! :eek:

I am glad that you now have the closure that you needed to move on with your life. It is a shame that she was willing to go back into an abusive relationship but that was her choice. But having this happen the way it did you probably got insight on some things you might never have known. Things unfold in the universe the way they do for a reason. I wish you happiness in your quest to find your special someone. She is out there, just keep the faith. ;)

Boy did you dodge a bullet with this one!

Not to mock anyone's pain, but this is just a bad situation on many, many levels.

Also- not to judge you- but how do you maintain a friendly relationship with someone you know abuses women? Maye it's he said/she said and you believe him, but the tone of your post sounded like you believed her account of the abuse.

You don't realy have the right to interfere with their relationship, I guess, but how are you friends with the abuser?

Never.

Nope. I do not understand women who date their friend's ex-boyfriend. I wonder how they define "friendship".:confused:

No.

Never in a million years!