forgiving a SO for cheating...
 

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and a half. We have been in different cities for about the last 15 months. I don't know how to simplify it, but for about 9 months we were 4 hours apart, then he moved for work and we were 8 hours apart for about 5 months and now we're an hour and a half apart. I just found out that while we were 8 hours apart (when we saw each other the least, obviously) he cheated on me. I thought we were the perfect couple (and we were before we were 8 hours apart).

I know that he feels like crap and is unbelievably sorry. He moved to my hometown (where I would like to live in Dec. when I finish my masters) to be with me and to make things work. The tough thing for me is that he knew that my ex cheated on me and how hard it was for me to trust him.

I believe with all my heart that we are meant to be together, but I don't know if I can forgive him. I won't be with a man I don't trust, and I was wondering if anyone can tell me how they regained their trust for someone after a similar experience. Thanks for the advice!

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Different people will have different perspectives and advice... but I have a question:

What were the circumstances surrounding his cheating? Besides being objectively a betrayal... was this a one time moment of weakness/failure when he was drunk? Did he have a relationship with the other woman... did/does he love her?

Regardless... it breaks your heart and hurts your trust. But the circumstances and what they say to you might influence your decision on whether to work at saving the relationship or not.

Best wishes to you and lots of cyber (((hugs))) and tissues.

Girl, I am so sorry!

There are going to be a lot of people tell you to "ditch him". But you'll also have people say "if he's sorry, give him a shot". But the most important thing is how you feel. You may still love him, but if you can't trust him now, what does that mean? Trust in yourself to find the answers. It may not be quick, or easy or painless. But you can do it.

What AXOjen said about what happened with the circumstances....thats important too. That can play a big difference in the decision.

*hugs*

Well if it were a movie script, he would only have cheated because you were so far away.

You would find out through something he left laying around.

You would be horrified, and he would have to do something really ardous to win back your love and trust. PReferably some quest or something.

In the end you would either forgive him in an out pouring of emotion because of what he went through;

Or better yet you would forgive him as he lay dying, having completed the task to impress you, and you would realize that your concern with his one time inifdelity was much less serious than your love and now his death. And that you had wasted all that time you could have been together.

The problem is, if you take that approach it may be a while and the rest of GC wants the happy ending (or not) immediately.

Would you forgive him if he was dying?

Seriosuly though. You know yourself better than anyone else. Are you the type of person that can truly let things go. Have them be over and NEVER bring it up again? If you are, and you still love him, forgive him now and go straight to blissful make-up sex.

If not bail now, because you are going to feel bitter, make him bitter, and you will both end up unhappy.

Thanks for the advice so far, I appreciate all I can get. And yes the pain SUCKS...not to mention that I have been sicker than I have ever been these past few days (horrible cold, early flu, stomach virus...tons of random symptoms that started before I found out) so this is definitely not easy.

As for the circumstances, I don't know if he was drunk (although I will ask that when he gets off work, I don't know how I didn't think of it before...of course I'm not thinking clearly anyway). But he did let it consiously go on for a few weeks. He said they were friends who crossed lines. Then it was ended because they both knew it was wrong (this matches up with what she told me too when I confronted her). It would be easier if it was a one night stand...instead it was a short lived affair. He says they were friends, but he does not love her or anything. He swears he lvoes me and wants to make it work. We were also having problems around this time on top of the distance (or caused by the distance). I don't think it ever would have happend if we hadn't been 8 hours apart, but my the thing I'll have to overcome is whether or not he would do this when we have problems in the future.

The trust thing is huge. Right now I don't know if I can let it go. But I do know that if I don't trust him then I won't stay with him. But its going to take some time to see if i am able to rebuid my trust. I do love him but this is truly the worst thing he could have done to me.

And James...if he were dying right now, I'd probably forgive him because I love him so much, but that doesn't indicate for me whether or not I will trust him in the long run. I think that forgiving is the first step, but trusting is the bigger more important one.

working on trust
 

My initial thought was "how seriously committed were the two of you in your relationship" at the time of this other "fling"?

If you were engaged, it would be more of a betrayal than if you were only "committed and exclusive". I hope you can understand what I am saying.

While I understand all too well, more than I am sharing here, your pain....I would think of it as his final determination that *you* are the one he wants over all others. Sometimes before the step that symbolizes the relationship is "forever" it takes that one last look around the room before you walk through the door.

Remember he moved back from 8 hours away to be closer to you.

I say work hard to rebuild your relationship by starting a "new" stage of the relationship. Yes there is history, but look forward :) not back.

It isn't easy, it sometimes isn't pretty, and it takes HOURS of sharing and soul baring...but it can be done.

Good luck.

Sageofages I understand the whole sowing your oats thing. Then he should have been honest and said that's what he needed to do at the time so she wouldn't be put through this. But situations and opportunites happen without logic.

I wonder whether he came forward on his own or did she discover something that led to his confession. I guess it doesn't matter how you found out Penny it still hurts just the same.

I agree with everyone you need to do what's best for you. It would be good for you to take the time off from the relationship. The decision of whether you take him back or not shouldn't be done so quickly. If he is "the one" then he'll respect the time you take to make sure that the decision you make is on your timetable and not his. Perhaps couples counseling may be an option to consider if you choose to stay with him.

I hate to say this, but do you really consider this a real relationship? most of the time you were "together" you were living hours apart. I would understand if you were together first for at least a couple of months then he moved. Whoa this is a friend he messed around with....good luck,you wil end up being suspicious of all his female friends now....... At least he is trying to make amends. I wonder how did you find out? did he confess? why did you confront the "other" woman?

I agree. Take your time... you need to think the situation through thoroughly, plus if you take him back right away, it sends the message that it's ok for him to cheat because you'll take him back right away.

There are a handful of situations where I could see trying to work things out - if you were "on a break" or had decided that it was ok to see other people since you were so far apart. I'm guessing that this wasn't the case. The fact that he's moved to be with you does weigh in his favor.

I would dump him... but that's me. You have to do what's right for you.

Take care. :)

no one messes with my adpi's. let me know if you want, i'll dropkick his ass to jupiter

Just eat some ice cream. Girls like to put on weight when they have relationship issues. It fixes everything. And then pray to the good Lord that neither of you go to hell for having premarital sex.

-Rudey

PennyCarter--
I have a friend whose husband cheated on her and this is her hardest part to deal with. The break in trust which lead to lies etc. I think it is possible to regain trust but you can't do it on your own. You need to have him helping you and communicating with you to even start to regain that trust. Forgiving is the easy part, forgetting and trusting takes time, patience, and love. Only time will tell and I wish you the best of luck and many hugs.

A failure to communicate...
 

First off, in Relationships 101, the offending person that cheats is DEFINITELY NOT THINKING ABOUT THE OTHER COMMITTED PERSON!!! Much less are they thinking about themselves other than the sex (or whatever it is they are doing)...

So it doesn't matter where this man was, what time zone, what planet, if he loved you with all his heart, he would have not cheated on you. In my opinion, there is NO SUCH THING AS A DIVIDED LOVE!!!

What he is doing is called manipulation...

So from that point, you need to decide what "how you are going to play this game or how you are going to do this dance"???

Because, I can tell you, he NOT thinking about you, if at all, if he is cheating on you... He is only thinking about himself.

What are you going to do if you take him back and he cheats again on you? And this time, he has gotten the other woman pregnant? What if he is on the "down low"? Who knows, he cheats on you with different people? What about diseases he brings into your "temple"?

Because if your body is your "temple", then how is he going to defile it by making foul offerings up to you? Is that not blasphemy unto you?

Gwirlfriend, you are WAAAY better than this man to have the wonder of you!!!

Read Ilyanna Vanzant's "In The Meantime"... You might see a whole different light to things...

Please give serious thought if you wish to remain serious with this man.

A similar situation happened to me...my best friend in the entire world for a year and a half told me he had broken up with his girlfriend (who he had given a promise ring to just 4 months earlier) and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. Then he started telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me etc etc etc. Three months and many suspicions later, it came out that he had never broken up with her! When she confronted him, he denied everything that I told her had happened- he said I misinterpreted everything he said, things said on AIM had been typed by a "lonely buddy" (he's in the army), and that certain things we did never occurred. He literally told me I was crazy, and he didn't know what I was talking about...to save face of course. But about 2 weeks later, his conscience finally got to him and he admitted "everything" to her. She stayed with him thinking that if he told her everything, he was truely sorry. But I talked with her again and told her some more stuff that he had not told her, so he had not in fact told her EVERYTHING. And of course, she believed him over me, despite that he had just lied to her about the whole thing 2 weeks earlier...

My point is, just because he says that he loves you, doesn't mean he does. I personally wouldn't take him back... I really don't think actions speak louder than words. This guy did everything he could to get together with me (remember he still had this other girl on the side), and it still ended up bad. Last time I talked to him, he maintained to me that he loved her and was going to marry her...

I dunno, I realize all guys aren't like this guy at all, but just be careful with your heart. I would suggest dating other people for a while and if you still love him, then try to work things out.

I forgot to add..he had also sworn up and down to me that he would never cheat on me.

A practical concern:

Get tested for HIV and STDs. Continue to do so on a regular basis if you decide to continue seeing him, and always use a condom--even if you were "just on the pill" before. A level of trust has been broken, and sometimes that has ramifications on your wellness.

If he's serious about remaining committed from now on, and depending on circumstances - you could definately still have a future together.

Fact is... people make mistakes. It's possible that while it's horrible and painful for you, he does realise this is a mistake and has learns from his mistakes.

I don't believe in the saying "Cheater once, cheater always." People can change - and if you want, your love can overcome this time.

There's more, but I don't feel comfortable posting it, so PM is you're curious.

Oh, but Munchkin is right. You need to protect yourself and have both of yourselfs tested for STDs and HIV.

I agree with Munchkin and kappaloo about getting checked out.

Even if he refuses to get tested and swears that he practiced safe sex, you should go for your well being.

EXCUSE ME??!!
 

so spending hours pouring your heart out on the phone doesn't constitute a "real" relationship? so making huge sacrifices of time and energy to drive 8 hours/pay too much for plane tickets/ spend all night on a greyhound so that you can see each other for a few precious days does not constitute a "real" relationship? How can you even pretend that simply because a relationship is long-distance for a period of time, it is not "real"? I can think of plenty of relationships that happen between two people living on the same campus, same dorm, even the same hall that are less "real" than half a dozen long-distance relationships I know of. My fiance and I were long distance for three semesters and we have better communication and trust than most of my friends whose boyfriends go to school 15 minutes away. Long-distance relationships are so unique in that they involve sacrificing partying with your friends because tonight's a "phone date" night. Instead of relying on sex to keep your relationship going, you have to rely on hours on the phone a night sharing your family, your goals, and your daily joys. Please don't ever presume that a relationship isn't "real" because people have to be apart. Would you say the same thing about a long-distance marriage?

I thank all of you for the responses. They have really given me a lot to think about and different perspective. I am doing okay with this all. Don't get me wrong, the pain is still there, but I have been able to keep myself pretty busy with stuff. He and I talk daily. I don't know if we are going to work this out or not.
I understand that not all men are sorry for what they have done, but I truly believe he is. Does this mean I trust him...not right now. Can I rebuild that trust? I don't know. I still love him but I don't want to second guess someone I am with all the time.

Its a lot to think about. A lot to take in. And way too much to decide overnight. I am glad we talk and right now that is what I want...I want to see if we can rebuild a friendship. I want to see if we can talk like we used to and be open with one another. If we can, but still don't trust one another, then at least we have rebuilt a friendship (I truly value friendships, even with my ex's...I keep in touch with all my ex's b/c I think its stupid to be so close with someone and then to cut them out of your life). If the friendship works, then we'll see about the rest. I'll try to keep ya posted.

And yes...a long distance relationship is a relationship if the two people work at it. Obviously ours hit rock bottom, but we had a year of long distance before this crap started and it was good...hard but good. We were together for about 5 or 6 months before we ever started the long distance stuff, so we did have a foundation. We talked a lot and never went long times without seeing one another (until we got 8 hours apart and things went downhill). Despite this outcome, I do think it can work if the two people are commited. But it is work and both have to be willing to make the same sacrifices.

Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. Nuff said.

Imperial1

Good luck with everything, Penny

Break it off. End it now before you create a real big mismash of sour and mixed feelings.

Obviously, the only hing you need to do to save the relationship is stay in it, but it doesn't sound like things are ever going to be the same, so why not give someone else as a chance?

Lots of men on the Man Tree. Pick a new one.

This is a little off topic, but with regards to cheating. Would you date someone who has been known to cheat on every one of his previous girlfriends? I suppose this goes back to whether or not you believe in "once a cheater always a cheater." You'd definitely be setting yourself up for the possibility of a lot of pain if you do date the guy but is it worth it?

Hell no!

I wouldn't ever be dating him in the first place if he's got that kind of track record.

Re: forgiving a SO for cheating...
 

That sucks. You know, sometimes guys cheat for no reason. Depending on how old you two are...that would tell you a lot as to why he did it.

Often times you can never get over it. In most cases its a deal sealer. It really depends on how the both of you treated each other. However, I know some people who have forgiven the other and went on to do very well together. I would think that in the back of your mind you won't ever forget it but in time you'll eventually forgive him. Time is what mends the heart after being broken. And if you do decide to stay with him and do eventually forgive him....look at it this way, next time you'll know what to look for.

Hope it works out in your favor.