Cheating husband......
 

Ok so last night I received a call from my Best Friend and she was hysterical. She had just found out that her husband had been cheating on her. She was asking me for some advice but I honestly don't know what to tell her besides just being supportive of her decision. I know there have been many threads about what is considered cheating but I thought I would throw this question out there.

Here is the scenerio. They have been together for 8 years married for 2. This past year her brother moved in with them and things became tense. After a year her brother finally left (after lots of pushing and help from others). During that year things were not perfect but not terrible but the sex was not really there either. She found a text message on his cell phone about having kids with another woman. She confronted him and he he denied everything. Said that they were just friends and she helping him with marital advice. About a week later he left his e-mail open on their computer and she found a letter from him to his Best Friend about the affair that he had been having for a while. She printed it out and confronted him with it. Of course he couldn't deny it anymore because she had it in his words. Come to find out this other woman was someone that they had both been friends with and they had even had over for Thanksgiving and Christmas because she had gone through a nasty divorce where her husband cheated on her. (HUMMMMMMM)

She is at a loss as to what to do. They (she) wants to try and work it out but she doesn't know if she will ever get over the thought of this other woman. I keep trying to put myself in her shoes and think what I would do but I am torn. I would like to say I would kick him to the curb but I also would have a hard time throwing away an 8 year relationship.

She is trying to blame herself (like everyone does) and I am having a hard time explaining to her that this is absolutely not her fault, without making it sound like she should leave him (unless that is what she wants to do).

She has been my best friend for about 10 years and I have know her husband longer than I have known my own.

Any words of Wisdom? I want to be supportive for her but I am so shocked that all I can say is "Oh my Gosh"
Should she stay and try to make it work or is that not possible?
Can she ever trust him again?

Re: Cheating husband......
 

I can totally understand how much you want to help your friend here but those questions are only ones that she can answer.

If she decides to stay w/ him & work it out I would definitely insist on couples therapy for the both of them. My mouth wants to say "once a cheater always a cheater" but logic tells me that he can change if he wants to change.

I'd also venture to say that it probably depends on what kind of person she is. When I love someone I give them everything-my mind, my heart, my soul & even material possessions if they want them! So when someone hurts me or breaks my heart I cut them off completely. Once I have been betrayed there is no going back.

It's such a horrible position to be put in :( All I can say is be there for her when she needs to talk. Don't openly bash her husband, even though what he did is unforgivable. She's thinking those exact things and doesn't need to hear them from others. With that said, don't say anything to make her feel like what she is feeling is wrong. Let her talk to you and vent. Look up some marriage counselors in the area and help her find one.

I agree with Xylochick216. If she were my friend, I would sympathize but not offer advice. Maybe they will work things out and stay together. If you say anything negative about him, she will remember it long after this situation is resolved.

Co-Sign a hundred times. Its really HER battle.. but you can be a best friend by listening and supporting her choices, even if you don't whole heartedly agree with them.

Re: Cheating husband......
 

Ok...

my honest first thought was "this guy *wanted* to get caught".
Who walks away and leaves their incriminating emails open where they can "accidentally" be found?

When you add other adults into the mix, a relationship can be come so fragile.

What they need IMMEDIATELY is couples counseling to understand *why* the cheating occurred, whether they are *BOTH* committed to the marriage, and how to repair the trust levels that have been broken. It is not something that can be done "do it yourself" very easily.

Thanks guys!!
I would never say anything bad about him. He truely is a good guy, he just did something that I can't even phathom.
I have talked to her about counseling. He is hesitant because he doesn't want anyone to know. I had suggested that she might want to go to counseling by herself and that maybe after a while he might warm up to the idea. Was that wrong of me to say?

I think that's good advice. You can't force him into counseling.

Another thing I thought of: Say they have counseling and things are looking better and they decide to stay together. Make sure you don't judge her because of that. It may not be what you would have done, but it's her choice (I'm not saying you would, just throwing the advice out there :) ). Good luck!

If he didn't want anyone to know why was he cheating in the first place? Someone else obviously knows that he was cheating-the girl he was with!

If he is refusing counseling he most likely isn't comitted to her or the marriage. And if I'm wrong & he is committed he doesn't sound like he is willing to change.

Re: Re: Cheating husband......
 

Co-sign. That jumped out like a huge red flag.

He either wants out or wants some changes through lots of talk or counseling.

I agree with what everyone else has said, all you can do is listen and be supportive. Just let her know that you're there no matter what. You didn't say anything wrong, I think you offered sound advice however offering advice of any sort is a dangerous proposition right now. I don't know why anyone would have to know about the counseling. It almost sounds like an excuse. Hopefully they can work through this though.

Rarely is it as simplistic as that. Although I don't think not-wanting-anyone-to-know is a good reason to avoid counseling. The counselor won't tell anyone.

What he probably means is that he doesn't want to admit to another person that he has done this thing. But I agree with others that good counseling could be what helps them keep their marriage together.

I don't know if you said... but are there children involved?

No Thankfully there are no children involved.

adpialumcsuc,

Well i don't know. I am just a boy, but . . .

I am assuming the back story you gave about her Brother moving in is relevant.

I am also assuming that her brother moving in as a permanent house guest for a year was something the husband hated, no matter how nice a face he put it on.

I wager its also something that he was extremely unhappy about and it created an enormous tension in his mind towards her. Its her brother after all not his.

So out of a two year marriage, she willfully created a situation to make him truly unhappy both with his life and her in general.

The only other thing I would wonder is why they got married. Generally, after that amount of time (6 bloody years) a guy isn't going to marry you becaue he adores you, he is going to marry you to keep from losing you.

Thats a crucial difference, one that works on the male psyche in a way women often don't appreciate.

So if he felt pressured to marry her, as guys often do, and then she sprang that idiocy on him ruining a full 50 percent of the time they were married . . . .

Well its small wonder that he hates her a little and feels resentful.

I do agree in a technical and idealisitc way that he should have left her instead of cheating, people do tend to be weak, and cheating is easier.

Also silly men can be just as reluctant to throw away an 8 year investment of time and familiarity.

It really sounds like their relationship lasted much longer than it should have, It outlived its passion and fell into the kind of comfortable famialirity that is the most many people will ever have to aspire towards.

Sad.

She should divorce him and move on, but I can't see that happening without a both a lot more pain and reciminations, as well as many more heart renfind phone calls you will have to listen to as a friend.


Also, has couples counseling become the catch all advice everyone gives their friends when they are afraid to commit to an opinion?

I am minded of the scene in the movie "old School" about that.

Perhaps those who advise couples counseling have been in it themselves or know a couple who has... to the greater good of their marriage.

Trust me... I'm not afraid to commit to an opinion. ;)

But I know that it can benefit a couple in situations just like this... if they are both interested in saving the marriage and if they have a skilled counselor.

she needs to dump that zero and get a hero ....just like on South Partk making fun of talk shows

Well, my soon-to-be-ex-husband told me in May that he was cheating on me and our divorce will be final in October...so there's my advice. Oh, and this was after two years of marriage as well...

She deserves someone wonderful, not someone she has to wonder about.

"He truely is a good guy"

-He lost ALL good guy points the minute his scam was blown. Whoever posted that he wanted to get caught, you're right. Most likely this isn't the first time he's cheated, and who's to say that he wasn't cheating while they were dating.

Even if her brother was the Devil himself that's not a green light for him to cheat. She didn't "willfully create anything". Life happens and she stepped up to the plate and took care of family.
That's what family should do. I'm sure the living situation wasn't ideal but the brother moved out.

As for the six years that they were together, I'm guessing that the couple in question is either mid to late twenties or early thirties. That means they were either started dating in high school or as freshmen in college. Not many people I know get married during college so as to why he waited so long, it's was probably more timing of getting careers established than just settling per se. As for pressure, he had up until the wedding day to walk away if he didn't feel that he couldn't take it to the next level. Most places of worship require or encourage , some form of pre-wedding counseling,another opportunity for him to speak his mind. I highly doubt that this was a shotgun wedding.

His refusal to see a counselor says alot about his character. He doesn't want to admit that he majorly screwed up. To say that to someone other than immediate family or friends would prove that this is something that flowers and candy can't fix.

And about "his investment of time" he completely disrespected her time and effort in this marriageby committing this act of infidelity.

Re: Cheating husband......
 

Everyone is right on the money when they say to support your friend's decisions and not to badmouth her husband.

I hate to bring this up but I'd reccommend that at least she get tested for AIDS and STD's.She has no idea of how many other partners her husband has had besides the one that she knows about. They've been together for eight years. Even if this was just the one, there's no gurantee that protection was used every time.She can just schedule a regular ob/gyn exam and he doesn't have to know so he can add more fuel to the fire of claims that she's to blame for not "trusting".

If he doesn't want to go to couples counseling, she needs to get some counseling for herself so she can't decide what's best for her to do. I know you're her best friend but there's only so much you can do. You are a good friend for being there for her.

Nothing she did warrants the disrespect to her and the vows taken on their wedding day. During the ceremony they do say for better or for worse but no where does it mention anything about infidelity. But isn't Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife is still a biggie in the ten commandments list? I'm not a bible expert so let me know if I have it wrong.

The saving grace in all of this is that there are no children involved.

You've gotten a lot of good advice and a wide range of opinions, adpialumcsuc. The best part YOU can possibly play in this scenario is to be the listener, not the advisor. You will never be able to adivise one way or another without ruining the friendship.

That said, as I've mentioned before, I am a facillitator at a divorce recovery group. After all these years, I'd say that easily 75% of the women (and men) who left their cheating spouses wishes that they had first tried counseling. It's not the end-all cure-all, but it will allow them to vent their feelings in a safe enviroment - and mutually decide whether they should move on together or separately. Maybe your friend should allow her husband to choose a counselor with whom he would feel comfortable?

And of course, she should be checked for every STD imaginable - but tell her to either go to a clinic or pay for it privately. Once your insurance company finds out that you're "at risk", you can be in a lot of troubles.

When i was going thru a divorce or even before my divorce, contemplating it, all i wanted was someone to listen.

I knew all that was wrong...did i need that pointed out to me over and over again by caring friends and family? NO. all i
wanted was someone to listen so i can logically sort out in my head how i was feeling. When you offer your 2 cents , and were not talking advice, it only clouds the hate , hurt and confusion. I had a child to think about in my equation so when they are saying Mr. Ex-cutiepatootie is a jerk, i already knew that....... but i had a baby to conisder.

Just listen to her and let her sort out her feelings thru talking. Be the friend who can sit and listen and not offer any advice. She will come to her decision on her own and she will have to live with that her own.

I agree with those of you who have said to be there for her to just listen. It is difficult not being judgmental and offering our own opinions, but ultimately she is the one who has to decide what to do. If she goes back to him and it doesn't work out, she needs to make that decision. We can't be the one to say "I told you so". From my own perspective, if this happened to me, I couldn't probably put everything behind me and start anew. But I don't know the history involved here and I know leaving someone is easier said than done. You sound like a good and supportive friend, which is exactly what this woman needs right now. When you are feeling so low, it is easy to isolate yourself and not want to deal with ANYONE, so if you can be there for your friend, even if she unintentionally lashes out at you, that is the best thing you can do.

My .02
 

I definitely agree with everyone that said to be a good friend to her, listen to her, let her cry on your shoulder and don't say too many bad things about him but lots of nice things about her. BECAUSE, if they stay together and you have completely trashed him, she will not be comfortable around you anymore knowing that you think her hubby is scum and she will feel like you think she's stupid for staying with him and she won't want to be around you. Trust me on this one;)

I do think he wants out and doesn't know how so he cheated and was sloppy about it on purpose. No one leaves their email open-even if they aren't hiding anything. WHo the hell leaves it open when there's incriminating evidence on there??

If you have the room, offer her a place to stay until she and loser boy make a final decision. She needs to play hard to get. She should not be the one begging him to go to couple's counceling. It should be the other way around. Honestly, if he is not groveling and begging and crying and calling her 1000 times a day to apologize and all that-he doesn't want it anymore. I hate to say that but I really feel if he was truely sorry, he'd do ANYTHING to get her back.

A condition of his probation should also be that he invite The Homewrecker over and formally break up with her in front of the wife. That way, wife knows that they are officially done, Homewrecker knows it's over and hubby knows it.

And I am NOT saying this is her fault or anything. But people don't usually cheat because they are mean hurtful people (Yeah some do) but because there was already something wrong in the marriage. There may have been other stressors besides the whole brother thing that we just don't know about.

Either way-you are smart girl and a good friend to her and that is the best thing she can have right now. God bless you!

It is always best to just listen. My dad broke up with his girlfriend (who I couldn't stand) and called me to tell me about it. He said that her kids were too messed up and he couldn't see spending the rest of his life bailing them out of messes, so he broke things off. He said to me "You never liked her anyway, did you?". I said the VERY diplomatic thing of "The most important thing to me is that you're happy Dad". Good thing, cuz they've been married for eleven years now! What if I had said "Yeah Dad, she's a real witch and I hated her since the day I met her"?????

Your best bet is to not bad mouth him, listen to her, support her... when she bad mouths him, say things like "Wow, you are really angry with him" or "You are really feeling hurt, aren't you?"


That's my $.02

Dee

Thanks everyone!
I talked to her last night and she sounds better ( I am not sure if he was home though). He doesn't know that I know and I want it left that way. She didn't really talk about it much except that things were getting better and he is making changes to make her feel more comfortable. I guess he also made a comment to her about how at the end of the day he still loves her and wants to be with her for the rest of their lives. I hope in my heart of hearts that they can work it out (I love them both so very much), but I know I need to stay out of it. She asked if her and her husband could come visit us this weekend for the day. So we will see how that all pans out. I know it will be hard but I know I can bite my tongue and say nothing about it for her sake.
Thanks again!!!

good to hear that things are looking more on the positive side vs. the negative side. hope all works out for the best.

Flame away for this, but if it had been my husband that cheated on me like this...

I would have:

*burned every last one of his favorite things in the house (his collections, etc.) on the front lawn

*dipped all of his clothes in bleach and then left them beside the ashes for him to find

*changed each and every door lock

I have seen too many men cheat and then do it all over again and again and again and again. It gets to be a cycle. There were underlying reasons why this happened. And, just trying to stop the cheating won't work.

IMO, ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER!

I would pass you the lighter!!!

I'd either bring the blender and alcohol for mixed drinks or marshmellows to roast over the fire and make smores. Invite the girlfriends to bring something of their exes to burn and have a party.

Way to go Tippiechick:D

Its funny, I dont have any items from my exes...... Its like they dont exist. I dont even have pictures. LOL. which is good cuz you will have to do alot of explaining when your new man finds these stuff......

I like this. I don't know how any trust can return to a relationship in which there has been infidelity. I know too many stories of women who are always questioning their guys after an affair...and it becomes too stressful.

I take it you're back in Texas, and doing well? :)

Ok whatever happened to these people?

They are still together. They are both working really hard to make things better. She called me about a month and a half ago and they basically hit rock bottom and were having it out. From there they have started to grow a new relationship. She is still having a hard time trusting him completely but as she said "At least I know now that we both have tried to make it right, if it doesn't work out."
I am happy because she is happy but I still worry about her. I have heard that the "lady" has moved out of state, which is good....BUT is there someone else??? Right now they are dealing with some issues with their pet (he is in the puppy ICU) and it has taken their minds off of this for a while.

Yep. I have been back in Texas since late June and I am doing great. I am happier than I have been in a LONG time. I am getting used to focusing on myself which, I must say, feels damn good!

I can't imagine what this would have been like for me if I did not have a good education and a job. I mean, I am certain that there are young women out there who stay in relationships with their unfaithful husbands due to their inability to provide for themselves. So sad.