Supporting a partner financially
 

This conversation came up with my boyfriend and I recently, and I've had this conversation with previous boyfriends. Most guys I've dated think it is appropriate to support their partner financially, with no expectations in return, if they can afford to do so.

I am extremely independent and the thought of a guy paying for things such as a car or school loans (for example) unless I am married to them just doesn't seem right.

This is not to say I pass this judgement on to others if they are in this situation, but for me personally, I don't ever want to feel like I *owe* a guy anything, or hear a line in a fight "I paid for your_____________________ (insert whatever here)" (even if they don't really mean it, but you get the picture).

I think about this kind of stuff because I am not in the type of field where I will probably make a great deal of $$$$$, and most guys unfortunately do make a great deal more than me.

What do you all think?

My SO makes a good $15K a year more than I do so he shoulders a couple more of our monthly bills. This is largely at his insistance, I think he likes to feel like the man of the house.
However, I would not feel comfortable being supported entirely for anything other than brief periods of time or for any reason other than having a baby. In fact, when I got laid off a couple of years ago I took some awful temp jobs just to stay working. Partly because I didn't feel good about myself when I wasn't part of working society and partly because I didn't want him to feel like he was pulling dead weight.

Sometimes it becomes necessary. Now paying school loans and such seems a little on the excessive side, but whatever works...

School loans are why I'm not engaged right now. I figure my next academic excercise will set me back a good 60-70K. If I were married, technically, she'd be responsible for half of that. I don't think that's really fair, so right now, at least, I'm not married. When school's done with, yeah, we'll probably make it legal.

I've heard people say that when they are married, they throw all their bills together in one pot and combine their paychecks in the bank. Then they take out the $$$$ and pay the necessary bills first, regardless of "who" they belong to. That is fine, again, I think if you are married (or with set plans for that). I think that if a guy is willing to pay your bills like that, that he should be thinking in the long-term-settle-down-marriage-thought.

Maybe he just feels like he needs to "take care" of someone? My advice to you is as long as he's not demanding anything in return that you don't want to give him, just ride that for as long as it goes.

And maybe he is thinking long-term, but is not yet in a position where it would be feasible for him? You don't give many specifics here..

For him, it's not the smartest thing financially, but really, that kind of decision is on him.

But the first time dude pulls something like "You're going to do this b/c I pay all of your bills", it's time to say good-bye.

I make more than my boyfriend, and so I take on a bit more financial responsibility. Most of our bills and stuff are split 50/50 (e.g. he pays electric, i pay gas and phone - which work out to about the same amount/month). But when it comes to groceries or going to see a movie, I'm more likely to have the funds to pay for all of or more of it. In nearly 6 years of living together, it's never been an issue.

I wouldn't have a problem with it if I was married. To be honest I would enjoy it. I would be able to work because I wanted too and I could do things I enjoyed. I would of course want to help out, so he wasn't stressed or pressured to feel like he was supporting someone who didn't appreciate it. I wouldn't agree to it if he was just a boyfriend. Thats different because you may break up and have no job/place to live/etc.

I see nothing wrong with a guy wanting to do that. I dated a guy who was like this and I know he liked paying for things because he felt like he was taking care of me. He was also uncomfortable with me paying for things. If your not comfortable with it just tell him, he'll learn to live with it.

ktsnake, Are you sure about that loan information? I think your student loans are yours and hers are hers. Even when you are married, you shouldn't combine the loans. In the worst case scenario if one of you passes away or becomes permanently disabled, I think that the loans are forgiven. If they are combined, they still need to be repaid.


I think that if you accept financial support from a significant other who is not a spouse, it makes you vulnerable and dependent. I think that it can cause problems in a relationship even if the person is being generous with no strings attached. It doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

Having an S.O. who was not my husband supporting me financially would make me very, very uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to feel that I owed him anything, especially if we broke up. Even having an S.O. who is my husband supporting me 100% would make me uncomfortable - for a different reason - I would want to be self-sufficient with my own income should the need arise (e.g. his death or our divorce).

<slight hijack>
It's very dangerous to throw all your money into a joint account, because if one partner dies, the account is locked. This happened to someone I know. His wife died. A few days later he went to the bank to withdraw some money from their joint (and only) bank account. The teller conversationally remarked, "I haven't seen your wife in a while" to which he replied, "She passed away a few days ago." BAM! Suddenly he couldn't touch a dime of his own money until her will went through probate (I think... it was a good long time, in any case) even though she didn't actually earn any of it herself.
</slight hijack>

Well, sometimes things don't go as planned and people end up supporting each other, and it's really not always a big deal.

Before we left Chicago, Mr. valkyrie quit his job and I supported him for a bit. I also paid all of our moving expenses and supported us both for a few months after we moved. Now, I'm unemployed and he's supporting me. In the long term, I think that it's all going to balance out, so although I don't like being dependent on someone, I know that I haven't been in the past and won't always be. To me, it doesn't matter if we're married or not and I never feel as if I owe him anything. If he was an ass about money or had control issues, we wouldn't be together.

My husband has been the sole financial provider for me for the past 10 years... he even paid my student loans. We have a hefty life insurance policy in case of his death or disability.

In the unlikely case of divorce, alimony and child support would be enough to cover expenses until I found employment. Actually... we've agreed that I won't be employed while our children are still minors... even if it means that he pays more alimony that he would have to. It's just that important to us that I stay home with the children.

Happily, divorce is pretty much unthinkable to us. And we keep upping that life insurance policy.
;)

That's actually an Oklahoma thing. If divorce happens in the state, all assetts and debts are divided 50/50 regardless of who incurred them.

really, we didnt have any problem when my dad died in March. We were able to close out all accnt with out going thru any hoops. The only one we are having trouble with is the cell phone. No one is willing to work with us. But every one is did, the bank, SSA, his car, his insurance....

Yeah... I should probably clarify. :) When I say that I'm uncomfortable with the idea of my husband supporting me 100%, I mean in the long term.

When I was out of work a couple of years ago, my husband pretty much did support me for a few months until I found a consulting gig (I was collecting unemployment, but an unemployment check doesn't go very far!). But that was temporary and involuntary. It's also part of being married - you look out for each other when sh** happens.

But I'm uncomfortable with the idea of being a stay at home wife/mom for any length of time. There are many reasons for this, and I'm sure I've bored you all to tears with them :) but from the financial angle, I know that if something were to happen with my marriage, I wouldn't have to run out and get a job (possibly in a difficult economy) because I'd already have one. I wouldn't have to rely on life insurance or on alimony checks that might not materialize. Not only that, but one risk of being a SAHM and later re-entering the workforce is that you have a hole several years long in your resume. And in some fields (like mine - IT) if your knowledge is not current, you're sunk.

But that's me. Everyone has to make the decision that's right for them. I commend AXOjen and other SAHMs, but I could never be one myself.

I'm sorry about your father. :(

You are fortunate that you didn't have problems. Then again, the situation I described happened many years ago, and the bank in question had all kinds of weird policies.

Everyone has brought up some good points for both sides of this topic.

I'd just feel too uncomfortable having a boyfriend pay stuff for me. I don't like the possible idea of having invisible strings attached that could be used later if it's a bad breakup.If it's a committed relationship with long term involvement I might change my mind but that hasn't happened yet..

I've just seen way too many People's Court episodes where former couples fight it out on tv. While one person side claims was it a gift the other person turns around and says it's a loan.
:rolleyes:

If and when I'd get married and if kids were to enter the picture, AXOjen situation is an option to consider. It is said the amount of time spent being a stay at home mom is the equivalency of having 2 full time jobs outside of the home. But it's always good to have a back up plan.

My husband pays the mortgage and I pay for all the other house stuff like gas/electric/phone/home owner's dues & insurance/cable and waste management (yeah, this state sucks about what it charges)...

And the bills I pay are on top of the other personal bills I incur--such as cell phone and personal items--car, car insurance, hair, nails, waxing, etc...

He pays for his car & car insurance, cell phone, golf green's fees, etc...

We have our own independent accounts. He makes more than I do. If we combined our efforts, our joint taxes would be atrocious. By his income alone, he'd owe well over $30K. And the property is in his name... I take everything out for my taxes, so I expect some back... But if we combined our accounts, I don't see one cent!!!

We are trying to set up a household fund. We want to make a safe, decent percentage and pay all the household bills off of it. But interests rates are poor for savings and checking accounts. And money markets or mutual funds are somewhat risky without putting money into it monthly. Where I live, I found a savings account that pays 0.75% per month with no minimum balance... But I know I can do better with a mutual fund that's balanced more conservatively... Does anybody have any suggestions or ideas??? :confused:

Another item was because my husband and I are in our 30's when we got married, we did not ask for the usual "Crate and Barrel" gifts--we asked for gift cards from the Home Depot and Lowe's for money. We wanted a Bridal Mortgage Registry, but it was MY MOM that got too psycho about asking her friends to donate for that kind of gift... I HAD to register at C&B... But I told everyone just to give us Home Depot/Lowe's cards...

So money issues are a huge issue for most couples. Someone is too spendthrifty and the other person is miserly. Some folks save up for their items, others just splurge. Make sure your S.O. has similar financial values as you do...

And, it has been said before, but it is extremely unwise to pool ALL the money in a pot and not have your own pot to pee in... Married or not, you have got to have a side account in your own name with your folks that he or she cannot touch. So when you do have those financial rainy days, which often happen without warning, you have some way out of it.

In several states (and I did think it was a Federal law), all debts incurred by one person, once married, both folks owe... If your S.O. has children from another situation and does not make any money and owe's child support, the Fed's will take from your check to pay for those children--I have seen that done...

So, make sure you have similar financial values and characteristics... What you can put up with and what you cannot deal with... That goes further than LOVE can take you...

'Cuz when the last time that LOVE bought you clothes--it's like dat, and that's the way it is...

[QUOTE]Originally posted by wrigley
[B]Everyone has brought up some good points for both sides of this topic.

I'd just feel too uncomfortable having a boyfriend pay stuff for me. I don't like the possible idea of having invisible strings attached that could be used later if it's a bad breakup.If it's a committed relationship with long term involvement I might change my mind but that hasn't happened yet..

I've just seen way too many People's Court episodes where former couples fight it out on tv. While one person side claims was it a gift the other person turns around and says it's a loan.
:rolleyes:


These are my thoughts exactly Wrigley.

Yes, and yes. I can't even imagine making a long term relationship work with someone who handles money very differently than I do. Granted, I suck at money, but I just can't deal with a tightwad. No matter what, though, I will always keep my own account on the side, no matter how much or how little is in it.

The hard part is not letting your S.O. know about it... Once they know about, laws can be enacted...

Another thing to watch out for is letting your S.O. put all items they want in your name... Why? Accountability... Usually, it is big ticket items.

E.g. he wants the Cayenne SUV, and you get it in your name. He pays for it for the next few months or so, then stops--then your credit gets jacked up...

Or she uses your credit card and takes it to a whole 'nother limit that is impossible to pay...

The other thing to think about is when you do actually want something--like paying for a plane ticket home... Some folks go ballistic if you purchase flight tickets to go anywhere. They cannot be knowing how you purchased those tickets and how you got the hook up--'cuz the next thing you know, they'll be asking you for that money source and how you got it...

I'm sorry, it ain't personal, it's about business. And a marriage is business, 'cuz all your assets do get scrambled when folks marry... So you havta treat it like a business decision... With shareholder (or stakeholders) annual meetings and every other item a corporation does...

Re: Supporting a partner financially
 

You know, if I had a dime for every dollar I spent on chicks in my life....I'd be able to pay for another college education. I've made a decision to stop blowing lots of money on chicks unless they show me mad respect or that they're worth it. I've never been used, that I know of, for money by women. But when I think of the money I've lost on chicks in the past it sometimes pisses me off. These days when I meet new chicks I usually act like I'm broke all the time and that I don't have any money. Thats how I know when I have a chick that likes me....she likes me for myself or the dick. And in my view both are ok enough for me. When I realize this then I start actually spending some cash on them and wine & dine'em all the time.

Before my husband and I were married we bought a house. He quit his job because of some illegal actions going on and didn't want to be part of. This unfortunately left me to be the only one bringing in money for about 3 months. I paid for everything!! It is was hard but we did it and I know if the roles were reversed he would have done the same.

In marriage or a committed partnership, it doesn't bother me because it all tends to come out pretty evenly. Sometimes people get laid off, or decide that a certain job isn't right for them anymore, or that it's necessary that one person stops working for a family-related issue. So, just because one person is supporting the two financially doesn't mean it will always be like that.

I consider myself a pretty independent person, but I have no problem being a stay-at-home mom or a lady who lunches if that's the lifestyle my husband's salary affords us.

From the time Mr. KR and I got engaged and I moved into his house, he has paid for just about everything including the balance on my student loans. It just make sense because A) He had a good paying job plus his nuclear power bonus and he had a ton of money saved because he was always out to sea and B) I gave up a fast-track job I was very good at (if I do say so myself :cool: ) to be with him.

I had always intended to go back to my career once he got out of the Navy and we settled somewhere but then we started having kids and we both feel more comfortable having me home with them. Luckily, his salary enables us to do that.

I don't think either one of us look the situation as "him supporting me". It's more like we support one another since there are more aspects to a relationship than just money.

This is one of the most, if not THE most, important things to know about relationships. I've seen so many couples break up over money issues, and that doesn't mean you're being shallow or materialistic.

I cringe to think what would have happened if I had married the first Mr. 33. He would do things like buying me a stuffed animal, card and taking me out to eat and then turn around and ask me to borrow $10 because he needed a haircut and was broke. His family spent like crazy - 6 TVs, 2 VCRs (this is back when VCRs cost like $2000) but wouldn't give him extra money for school. The whole thing was soooooo messed up, compared to how I was raised.

I think the only time you can say someone is "supporting" someone else in a relationship is when one partner does absolutely nothing. The wife staying at home taking care of the kids is one thing - I consider that a reciprocal arrangement. The wife who doesn't have a job but has a full-time housekeeper and nanny and doesn't do anything but shop is something else again.

Men call them trophy wise. Women call them smart :)