Wedding question
 

Does anyone know how long before the wedding a bride has to turn in a final head-count to the caterer? I'm currently a yes RSVP for a wedding that I'm not too wild about attending. It's on Saturday. If I let the bride know today, would it be too late for her to talk to the caterer and remove two from the head-count?

According to here:

http://www.yourweddingcompany.com/in...ndar/planId/5/

You're supposed to confirm 1 week in advance. This may differe depending on what caterer you have though.

Re: Wedding question
 

I believe so...from my understanding (my fiancee and I are in the process of planning a wedding), a guest list has to be sent as far enough ahead as possible, as reception sites need plate counts.

Chances are your friend will be charged for you and your date.

My experience with planning my wedding and large corporate dinners is that caterers need a general idea of the numbers and an exact figure 72 hours before the event. The only stipulation is that there is not a big difference in the numbers. If you guarentee 250 2 weeks before, there is no problem saying the exact number is 245 72 hours out and only paying for 245. You would probably be stuck paying for the larger amount if you tried to say 200 instead of 250 though.

That being said, unless there is a major illness, death or some other true emergency, I think it is rude to cancel a wedding at this late date. The Bride is probably already stressed, and canceling not only means another call to the caterer, but possibly changes in seating charts and other things that could be a big headache. I would say go and then leave after dinner at the reception.

I would try to give as much notice as possible. A friend of mine cancelled her plans to attend a wedding at the last minute because she had to take an exam to get into medical school (that she knew about for awhile). It created lots of problems between her and the friend (in fact I don't think they really speak anymore). I think that if you are not crazy about attending the wedding, it is rude to respond yes in the first place. Weddings are expensive and it is my understanding that a lot of places will charge you whether or not the person attends. So if you get 5 or 6 people (or more) cancelling at the last minute at 50-100 a plate, that really adds up. It's one thing if a true emergency arises but if you know ahead a time that you didn't really want to come and did this to me, I would be super pissed, but that is just me too.

Winneythepooh7, I was supposed to be in the wedding party, but the bride fired me two weeks ago and replaced me with a different friend that she'd rather have as her maid of honor. She said some pretty mean things to me, too. I've tried to talk to her, but she "can't deal with me right now." So when I RSVPed back in May, I was planning on being there. Now I'm not so sure whether I really want to go, especially if it's going to be a hostile environment.

Try to talk to her again. She's got the wedding as an "excuse" for being stressed.

If she blows you off again, don't go.

Oh WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! In that case, I would not go!!!! That is horrible!!!!!

When I got married, we had to have the final headcount in three days before the wedding. And we were still charged for the five no-shows.

I would go to the wedding. I still regret not going to a wedding of a friend three years ago because of a stupid argument. People do really stupid stuff when they're getting married. Don't get me wrong, what she did was really crappy, but I'd be the bigger person here and at least show up. If its hostile, you can always leave.

Ditto.

Although if it were me, I'd probably just not go and not even bother telling her I wasn't going to. I know, it's horrible and vindictive of me, but then lots of people say yes and then don't show up even if they're not mad at anyone.

Is there open bar? Is there a cookie table? If so, go. :)

so many people do not understand the joy of the cookie table.

Exactly. I'm of the mind that if you're going to cost her money, might as well enjoy it! Open bar will ensure you have a good time, and the cookie table will just top it off!

KittyKat did you already purchase the dress, shoes, etc. as maid of honor before she dropped you? I hope you were able to get some of your monies back.

Unless it's open bar, don't go. Bridezilla deserves to be hit where it hurts most : the pocketbook. On her wedding day she'll be too busy to notice if you're there or not.

She's not in a state of mind to be talked to about whatever it is that happened between the two of you. I'd wait until after they get back from the honeymoon to see if you still want to save the friendship.

I'd leave the two plates in... if you decide not to go, she'll probably have a few people that bring "uninvited guests" that will be able to take up your meals.

Try to go, though. I just had to "fire" one of my attendants (though that was 3 months before the wedding, and because he wasn't doing the things he needed to get done) and I'd be disappointed if he didn't come. Your situation is a little more severe... I can't imagine trying to replace someone with only a few weeks to go!, but it may damage your friendship more if you don't go to the wedding.

Stick it out, have a free meal and some free drinks, grin, and bear it. :)

words to live by. 33girl, you are a wise woman

What is a cookie table?

Correct me if what I'm describing is not a typical cookie table...

A cookie table is exactly what it sounds like - a table full of cookies that people can go up to and get cookies from all throughout the wedding reception. Often (in my experience) it is filled with homemade cookies that the family of the bride/groom has made. At my aunts wedding, it was filled with the absolutely best Italian cookies I've ever eaten. Mmm!

I've never seen a specifically cookie table, but at most of the weddings I've been to there is a 'dessert table' that is brought out a few hours after dinner with all kinds of little treats (usually almost all chocolate). I'm not into sweets myself, but it usually goes over very very well :)

I've never seen a cookie table before... but when I get married (whenever that may be) I think that's something I'd want at my wedding, I really like that idea...

I think it's a regional thing. At a wedding here in Pittsburgh last year, the groom's family was all from Maryland. They LOVED the idea of a cookie table and had never seen it before! The groom's sister was getting married two months later back in Maryland, and they decided to have a cookie table because it was so awesome!

I've never heard of a cookie table but I have been to weddings here in NY where the dessert tables are the size of a city block.

Re: Wedding question
 

For our wedding last year, we had to have a final count in 72 hours before the event. We still had between 15-20 not show up last-minute who had RSVPd yes (yes, I was slightly peeved about that, especially when some of them either offered completely lame excuses or no excuses at all.)

What the bride did is definitely not cool, especially this late into the planning, but as a former bride, I know we're not always thinking how our decisions will affect others.

Are there going to be other girls from your chapter or people you know? If so, I'd say go and have fun with them! Eat up, drink up, take as many favors and pieces of cake as you want. If not, then I'd personally probably stay at home and maybe (maybe) try and get in touch with the bride a month or so after the wedding after the dust has all settled (that is, if you still want to keep in touch with her.)

It depends on the catering hall. I think 72 hours is the norm.

If I were you, I'd go and enjoy. But being fired from the wedding party for such an arbitrary reason is not cool. I'd take that into account when buying a gift. ;)

It's a good idea, when you give your guarantee, to give a figure that is about 90% of the number of people you are actually expecting. You will be expected to pay for the number you guarantee or the number who attend, whichever is greater. So if you guarantee 100 and only 94 show up, you're stuck paying for 100; if you guarantee 90 and 94 show up, you will pay for the 94. Catering halls always leave a margin of error, so the "extra" 4 people will not be getting cheese sandwiches or anything. :p I gave a 90% guarantee for my wedding, and a few of my guests had family emergencies, so my guarantee wound up being right on.

As a professional bridesmaid, I wouldn't go to a wedding if I got "fired" 2 weeks ago from the MAID OF HONOR position. Holy crap that is not something I'd take lightly. That's supposed to be like your best friend!

I'd already purchased the shoes and put $100 down on the dress, which had been ordered (we were doing alterations when it happened). She's having my dress altered to fit the new MoH, and said that she'd pay for it. So she owes me $100, which I really need. She said she'd write me a check the week after the wedding because she "doesn't have any spare money right now." Okay. The reason I'm worried about not going to the wedding is that I'm afraid she might not give me the money she owes me if she winds up having to pay for us and we don't come.

The official reason for her firing me was that she felt that she and her wedding were not a priority to me. In reality, she'd been working with this other girl, who'd been serving as an amateur wedding coordinator, and was upset that I didn't start planning her shower three months in advance. (I was kind of busy graduating from college, moving, nearly being disowned, and looking for a job at the time.) So rather than talk to me when she was upset with me, she let it fester for several weeks, then called a tribal council of the rest of the bridal party and kicked me off the island.

I've realized that she doesn't really have friends; she just has people who can do things for her. She hung me out to dry. I told her that I was concerned about the implications that this had for our friendship, and she told me that I had no right to feel that way. I said that I felt hurt; she called me immature. "The only thing I'm sorry about," she said, "is having chosen you in the first place." As far as our friendship is concerned, unless she apologizes for going behind my back instead of talking to me when she had issues, I really don't think I'm going to be able to trust her again. So there's that.

At first I thought it was kind of rude of you to want to cancel at such a short notice. Though, now I can totally see why you're not feeling sure about attending. I see two options:


1) Call her up and explain that you can't go because still feel hurt. You can explain that you are concerned that the bad feelings will only add a negative vibe to the happy occassion. Say that you would feel bad if that vibe somehow carried over on to other guests or even her. Figure that, if she's going to continue to refuse to acknowledge your feelings, then she's probably not a friend for you.

Furthermore, you bought items with the intention of participating in her wedding. It would be one thing if you were keeping the dress. However, she is giving your dress to your replacement and therefore must pay you the $100 deposit back. You didn't quit, she fired you. She can't keep your money. If she does, I hope you all go on People's Court 'cause I'd like to hear what the judge has to say about that.


2) Suck it up and go. Be a gracious lady. Give them a modest gift with your warm wishes for a happy marriage. Hope that you are seated far away from her - fade into the background if necessary. Enjoy the "free" dinner. Duck out from the festivities early if you can do so without being obvious. Then, a few weeks later, inquire about the $100 reimbursement. See if you can have a talk about your feelings. If she still thinks you were childish...just drop it. When you get the check, write a thank you note acknowledging the payment and then promptly drop her from your list of friends.


I'm favoring option #2 as it's probably the right thing to do. It won't put out anyone's catering orders, no one can be mad at you for acting like a true lady and graciously giving a gift even though you were wronged, she can't use your absence as ammunition, and she just *might* get over herself after the wedding and sheepishly realize what a bridezilla she was.

Good luck!


.....Kelly :)

just go eat the food and dont get a great gift, get something on sale. after the food and drinks (if any) go to a club or somethign :)

Ew, what a situation! And Kappa, you sound like this is the LAST thing you need right now.


Please realize you AREN'T getting the money back. If you were, you would've gotten it already. I say skip the gift. If money is tight and she's already got $100 out of you for this wedding, you're good to go. She SHOULD reimburse you -- but I'd quite sure she won't.

Like the others said, if you want to save the relationship, or think you might enjoy the other attendees, then go. Otherwise just skip it and write her (and the $100, unfortunately) off.

I also agree about losing out on the $$$ unfortunately. I got screwed awhile back because one of the bridesmaid's was supposed to reimburse me for money towards the bachelorette party. She never did. I asked the bride to talk to her and nothing ever happened. That is the thing that sucks about being in wedding parties.

Thanks, everybody, for all your advice.

I chatted it over with Mr. KKC last night, and we decided that we're going to suck it up and go, then duck out early if things get too stressful. There will be other guests in attendence with whom it might be possible to salvage some sort of friendship, provided that I do not cede the moral high ground. Plus, if I have a chance to get my $100 back, I'll need to suck it up.

There will be an open bar (yay!) but no cookie table (boo!). There will, however, be a chocolate fountain (even better!).

She's not getting a gift, though. According to all the etiquette manuals I've read, you have up to a year to give a wedding gift, and to quote the lady herself, "I don't have any spare money right now." Unless things change any time soon, Bridezilla is getting a $10 gift card to Wal-Mart.

hehe I like it! ;)

When I was planning my wedding, I saw a really nasty "gift" suggestion on alt.wedding:

- Get a card
- Write something like "Congratulations! Hope you enjoy the toaster!"
- Put a piece of tape on the card to make it look like it had been stuck to a gift
- Shuffle it into the items on the gift table
- The bride, finding the card but no toaster, will assume the gift walked away by itself and be too embarrassed to say anything, so she will just write you a thank-you card for the nonexistent item.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to do this, but if there ever was an appropriate situation, this is it!

Go, enjoy the open bar and the chocolate fountain (that sounds nummy! :) ), and take the vanishing $100 into account when picking out her gift.

:eek: :mad: OMG!

What is it about some brides that make them think they are being crowned Empress of India instead of just getting married? It's her wedding, not yours - why should it be your highest priority? Bridal attendants are not slaves - they are supposed to be your specially chosen friends and family who deserve the honor of standing up at the front with you when you get married, not personal shoppers. And you're not obligated to throw a shower as an attendant - in fact, no one is obligated to throw a shower or to even buy a gift! No matter what you do, Cat, you will come out as the better person in this. You could dance naked in the chocolate fountain at the reception and still be on higher ground morally.

Well, if she refuses to refund you that $100 just ask her for a thank you card instead. Tell her in that case that your wedding gift to her was that deposit. She'll be pissed off, but really she's the one screwing you over, so she'll just have to deal.

(is $50/person an expensive wedding gift? cheap?)

For the girl who was sorority president when I pledged, we did like $25/person. It was all we could afford.

My mom always says the best present they got at their wedding was a can opener. My dad's little brother (who was 12 at the time) gave it to them.

In Western PA, the success of the wedding is directly related to the size & variety of the cookie table. In fact, I have been told that my marriage failed because I didn't have a cookie table. Eh, that could have been part of it, but there were other factors.

KappaKittyCat, good luck. Sounds like a lose/lose situation, but then again, that's what happens when dealing with a Bridezilla.

Wow! What a bia!

Ask her if she can write you a check for the 100 bucks and tell her you won't cash it until a week after the wedding.

Wow, I definitely wouldn't get her a gift.

Here is an article about being a bridesmaid called Always a bridesmaid, always broke.

KappaKittyCat have fun at the wedding. I know that this was a painful experience. You have demonstrated dignity and grace by deciding to attend the wedding. You should be proud of yourself. :)

So I read some of this article, and the first girls was saying she had to buy engagment gifts, shower gifts, and a wedding gift.

I don't think so. The bride is already getting 2 sets of gifts. She ain't getting another one. You have to draw the line somewhere. I gave my friend, who got married this june a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift. I didn't give her an engagment gift and nor did she expect one.
Some people are so damn selfish!

Damn, I'm a professional bridesmaid and all I got my roommate was a shower gift! I figured my wedding gift to her was driving all the damn way to Charleston and buying a really expensive dress!