Wedding Reception Issues!!
 

I have a question...I am not engaged (per say) yet but he and I have definitely discussed a future together so this is not a critical thing yet. I DO have a few reservations about things and would like to know peoples opinions. Heregoes:

I grew up in a bible belt, southern Assembly of God, everyones-a-sinner-who's-not-like-us atmosphere. I hated it and have since (college) come to realize that embracing other people is an amazing thing. He grew up in a pretty open home. His parents supported his decisions and understood him well. NOW MY QUESTION:

My parents are expecting a simple reception with cake and punch after the wedding in the fellowship hall of the church. His parents are expecting a big bash with an open bar and lots of partying and fun. He and I don't even want to get married in a church...we would like a simple outside sunset wedding and perhaps a party later. How do I mix his parents and my parents views without making my parents look like prudes and his parents look like drunks!!! This is serious to me!!!

Any advice from people who have been through this sort of thing?

Re: Wedding Reception Issues!!
 

Do this, and not only will you satisfy what you both want, but then you won't have either family looking prudish or 'wild' either.

Good luck!

Have a party type reception, but make it something that would have been appropriate 30 years ago (music selection could be jazz or something classy like that). You could have an open bar, but no strong drinks. Maybe a cash bar to ensure folks don't get too toasted unless they just want to dump a wad of cash.

Good luck with this. Sounds like you have plenty of time to figure it out though.

I agree with the cash bar idea. Inevitably though, there are people that are going to get drunk and act a little crazy. You get them at every wedding. For some reason I think some people think weddings are an excuse to get crazy which all too often can be really inappropriate but that is probably a whole other thread! I would try to sit down with both sets of parents when the time comes and discuss your concerns and thoughts and try to include them in your wedding planning. Maybe you can even have some pre-wedding gatherings where there is alcohol served in moderation so they get used to each others lifestyles. Who is paying for the festivities? Does this influence your decision? Ultimately it is "your" day so I think you should go ahead and do whatever your idea for YOUR wedding is. You are never going to be able to please everyone and you shouldn't try. As an aside, I remember my parents telling me that after they got married and starting building their house, they almost got a divorce because they tried to please both sets of parents with everything THEY wanted built in the house. Finally they had to take a stand and just do what THEY wanted and things worked out great. Good luck!

It's your day. You need to do what will make the 2 of you happy...not everyone else. I absolutely agree with winneythepooh7.

If I can offer 1 suggestion, have more than one bridesmaid. My friend got married 2 weeksago and she had one brides maid. However, there was so much somplaining going on that my friend spent most of the night stressing because people kept bitching to her. As much as her maid of honour tried to help, she couldn't deal with it all. Your bridesmaids she be used as a buffer between you and disgruntled guests. You should have to deal with any of your guests isht!

ETA: I fixed it ;)

that's such a good suggestion lady pi phi! i was a maid of honor once and the other bridesmaids did absolutely nothing to help out which stressed both myself and the bride out. also be sure that whoever is part of the wedding party gets the finances together early on and don't fall for that "oh i left my checkbook at home" crap. make sure everyone contributes their share to the pot. i got screwed that way too!

oh by the way it's winneythepooh, not whinneythepooh. do you think i whine too much?LOL

I went through kind of the same thing. My family is a lot more reserved and doesn't drink, while my fiance's family definitely does. We've chosen to get married at a plantation in town instead of a church, and his parents are paying for the alcohol since they are the ones who want it. I know we will have people there who don't agree with drinking, but (as snobby as this sounds) it's my fiance's and my day. My parents would have never paid for alcohol, but since his are, it's all good.

As for a cash bar, I was always told that it's difficult to have one because you have to announce it ahead of time so people have money with them for it, and it's hard to announce it tactfully. But if you want to do that, I know that people do it a lot.

Hope this helps :D Good luck!

Hahaha...my bad...I apologize

Too many typos when nosey co-workers feel the need to look over yourshoulder all the time.
Apparently NO ONE has any work to do here. :D

At our wedding, there was an hour-and-a-half open bar cocktail hour before dinner. Just before dinner was served, I think they announced that the alcoholic beverages would not be available after dinner, and that guests might want to take advantage of that fact now. Wine was served with dinner (1 bottle each white and rose per table), followed by a champagne toast.

The people who wanted drinks got them free before dinner, but couldn't load up for hours after dinner. We also had a small gathering with 125 people-- a few were pissed, but there'll be a few pissed people no matter what you do.

(They were more pissed that we *didn't* kiss to the clinking glasses, but kissed almost any other time! Someone actually came up to me and said that it was upsetting people that we weren't kissing. I said, "I'm sorry, but I kiss my husband when the spirit moves me to; we don't kiss on command." That shut her up!)

Have the type of wedding you want... it's your day. But be prepared to foot the bill. Remember the Golden Rule: "He who has the gold, makes the rules." If your parents are paying for your wedding, guess what, you're getting cake and punch.

As for booze, at my wedding, we had an open bar during the cocktail hour, then wine only during the meal. If anyone had to have a drink after the cocktail hour, there was a bar elsewhere in the hotel. Nobody complained (or if they did, my bridesmaids did their jobs properly, because I never knew about it :) ) It was a morning wedding and lunchtime reception, which I think cut down on people's expectations that the booze would be freely flowing.

As for the clinking glasses, that didn't happen at my wedding. I'd heard about it, though, and we'd already decided what we'd do if people started clinking: clink our own glasses and look around with confused expressions on our faces :p

You can have two receptions. This is actually common for many Chinese Canadian couples who want to satisfy both their family and their peers. They'd have a "western" service, usually in a church or outside somewhere, followed by a "tea reception" with sandwiches, punch and alcohol. Later in the evening, they'd have the big Chinese banquet, held at a Chinese restaurant (usually the place is shut down for them), complete with the multi-course Chinese dinner, dancing (or kareoke), speeches, etc. Only the wedding party and close family/friends attend both receptions. Otherwise, it is one or the other.

That's a really interesting idea.

But how do you let people know they can only attend one reception?

Print two different invitations. When my friend got married last year, those who were invited to the Chinese reception were not invited to the church service/"tea reception" and vice versa (except for the select few who went to both). Those who attended the big banquet at the Chinese restaurant just assumed that they married at city hall, I guess.

Actually, we're having two receptions.

After our ceremony we're having a short (3 hours or so) cocktails and hors d'oeurves reception for family and close friends. (about 125 people)

The next day we're having a gigantic, more casual reception where we've invited everyone, their brothers, and their dogs (okay, maybe not!). Everyone who was at the actual ceremony is invited to both (the cocktail reception was mentioned at the bottom of the invite, and the casual reception was listed on a reception card). That one will probably be closer to 300-350.

Seperate, less formal invites are going out to those who are invited to the larger reception only.

THANKS SO MUCH
 

One thing we had already decided was to have a reception at a later date (possibly a 2 or 3 month anniversary) at his hometown. We live 850 miles apart so a lot of his family won't even be at the wedding unless they are in it. I guess that could be a good way to do it. Make sure the "home reception" is tame and then have an all out party later. (His parents will be paying for the later one.) Has anyone ever heard of that before? Having a reception about a month or two later for family that couldn't make it to the "real" one. Considering our distance....

It seems pretty possible to me.

THanks for everyone's ideas and yes, we do have a while before we have to make any major decisions. This is just something I have been wondering.

This isn't exactly the same situation, but I have friends who secretly got married in Vegas and then had a big reception a couple years later. It was fun and I don't think anyone had a problem with it.

I would also advise against having a cash bar as mentioned above.

My brother did. He and his wife lived about 8 hours from where they got married. It was the middle of winter and the snowy passes would make it difficult for everyone to make it, so they decided to just throw a reception up there at a later date. It worked out really well. I would definate recommend it.

Also, make sure you do what you and your husband want to do. This is your day. I have a very religious extended family and my parents were concerned about them being there and being offended. (they always made remarks to my parents about me going to a party school and drinking under age) It isn't that I didn't want my family to be there, but it was my wedding and if I wanted to have adult beverages available to everyone that is what I was going to do. The majority of the people that were very close with had the same "partying" styles as us and we wanted to have a good time. Fortunately the extended family all left before it got crazy, but it worked out perfectly.

NO CASH BAR. NO NO NO NO.

People should not be invited to a party (including a wedding and reception) and then asked to pay for what they consume. Heck, why limit it to the bar - why not have them pay for the meal too? There are a few less-offensive ways to limit costs and alcohol intake, including:

(1) having the reception at a place where you can bring your own bartender and making sure the bartender doesn't open unnecessary bottles and pick up half-finished drinks so that the guest has to get another drink that you later have to pay for

(2) limiting it to beer (no kegs, please) and wine, or simply having champagne (and sparkling cider for the nondrinkers) for toasting

(3) having the reception at a time of day when alcohol consumption isn't going to be as high, for instance at brunch time or "tea time" (which I think would be after lunch around 3 or 4ish)

(4) offering two punches - one with alcohol and one without

(5) eloping (or having a small family-only ceremony), then letting each set of parents throw a party for you of their choice

I agree with everyone who has told you to remember that it's your wedding and your day, and that you should have the ceremony and reception the way you want it. Of course, this may mean that you have to pay for it yourself.

I know you want to make both families feel good, but trust me, doing what they want, will only make you miserable. I know. I got married a little over a year ago. So many people putting their 2 cents in and telling me what they want to see. At first I wanted to make everyone happy, then I got real mad at myself and said this isnt about them, they arent going to be in the marriage, this is about me and my hubby. I was tired of people bossing me around and making me feel bad if I didnt do what they wanted.

This is YOUR day, not their, they are guests. I know its hard too if they pay, I know mine paid, but my dad butted in and said to my mom shell do what she wants not what you want or the other family wants and well support whatever it is. So I got married at the beach. Couldnt have asked for a better thing.

Be honest to yourself. Do what you want and what will make you happy. This is your marriage and your special day. Parents are already married they had their day.

What on earth is wrong with a keg?? That's what draft beer comes from, and then you don't have to worry about glass bottles or cans. Plus women can drink all ladylike :) . I mean, it's not like the keg is going to be in a yard with people pumping their own.

And if you think people aren't going to drink at 3 in the afternoon...you are hanging out with the wrong people. ;)

Yeah, let me clarify - a keg behind a bar is fine as in draft beers - but I have heard about (never attended, thank goodness) weddings at which there is a keg near the dance floor and everyone helps themselves. (StumpsGirl's family would really have a fit if that happened ...)

Even though I'm getting older and more uptight by the minute, I know people will drink at 3 in the afternoon, but I said that alcohol consumption will not be as high as if the reception was at night. That's sort of a standard recommendation for cutting back on wedding costs.

Unfortunately, some of the most exciting parties I've been to lately are here on GC. Still reminiscing about the mu_sadness weekend-long party ... :cool:

For starters, unless the parents "show you da money" always assume that you are paying for it yourselves. Then live by the motto:

OUR wedding OUR way...if you want, then YOU pay!

What do you and the man want? You can have a big party and still make concessions for the cake and punch crowd.

But then again you can do what I did...have a destination wedding! We got married in Las Vegas! :D

Re: THANKS SO MUCH
 

This is probably what mr. honeychile & I will do. My family (with the exception of about 3-4 people) doesn't drink, so we're thinking of a reception at the church (my church is really beautiful!), then have an Irish blow out in his home town about a month later!

And I want to add my voice to those who say "No Cash Bar"!!! It's just too tacky for words. Have a reception at a hotel and let the drinkers buy alcohol at the hotel bar, but never, ever invite someone to an event and charge them for it!!

How about you just pocket the money you would have spent on the reception and wedding and elope?

Thats one expensive party folks. What 20 grand or more?

You should ask a close friend to be your "wedding coordinator" for the day, even giving her a couple hundred would be worth being stress free. This is what my friends have done, the wedding party is usually worthless as far as help because they have their own worries/issues with bridal clothes/family. Just sit down with her and make an itinerary and at least she'll know what's what and when. :D

Separate Situation
 

I didn't want to start a new thread since this is a similar topic. My boyfriend and I aren't engaged (yet) but we have talked about getting married in the future.

Anyway, our families are VERY culturally different. Has anyone else had a recception issues about food, music, or traditions? What kind of compromises did you make?

I seriously wouldn't stress about this, especially if you're not even engaged.

By the time you actually start planning--IF you actually start planning, your tastes and desires could be different.

And NO NO NO HAYLE NO to the cash bar. If you're going to do that, why don't you just have "Dueling Banjos" as your first dance? :mad:

Quote : Has anyone ever heard of that before? Having a reception about a month or two later for family that couldn't make it to the "real" one

I got married at the beach in South Carolina and we invited 30 friends and family to drive or fly from Ohio to come down with us and either spend the week before the wedding there relaxing or come for the weekend of the wedding. I wanted to be married at my fave place, the ocean so we went for it. Now not everyone could attend so 2 months later we held a huge reception back home in Ohio for everyone. It was a great time at the wedding and at the reception. We had a small reception at a nice hotel after the wedding in SC but a large one back home so I have done that and it has turned out very well. It was great.

A cousin of mine ran off and got married in Vegas over last fall break. The official reception is taking place in August. I think it's sort of romantic to just elope and have the party later.

BYOB :)

I completely agree with what Munchkin said, especially on stressing about a reception before you actually engaged. THat's putting the cart before the horse, in my opinion :)

My cousin married a woman who is Hispanic....(They even speak Spanish at home so you can imagine how different that would be to an English speaking southern man.!!)

They had a very nice buffet type setting and on one table they had lots of american goodies and on the other table there was lots of spanish food. Then there was a third table with all the cakes and "regular" wedding food. What was so interesting was we got to not only enjoy their wedding but we got to really experience her culture and her background as well. Not only did we meet her family but we met her family's culture also....


-MLK

My Yankee Italian heathen brother (who everybody was convinced MUST be in the mafia) married a native Southern Belle from North Carolina in North Carolina. They faced similar issues. They had an outdoor wedding with a pastor. The reception was at a country club and there was no alcohol until after dinner. Those who objected to alcohol and dancing were able to enjoy the dinner and left when the D.J. started playing his music. They had a champagne fountain, wine, and beer, no hard liquor. I think it worked out fine for all of us.

My brother couldn't have NOT had wine at his wedding because my Italian grandfather made us each a vat of wine for our wedding day when we were born. We had to have our nonno's wine at our weddings.

Dee

I love your post! Especially the term "Yankee Italian heathen brother".

Re: Separate Situation
 

The friend who got married 2 weeks ago is Polish. Her husband is Portugese.
All night the 2 families were bitching about the music. There wasn't enough Polish music, yadda, yadda, yadda...there wasn't enough Portugese music, yadda, yadda, yadda. And since there was only one bridesmaid, she couldn't stop all the bitching. It eventually got back to the bride and she was so upset.
Which is why I say have enough bridemaids ao they can be an adequate buffer between you and your bitchy guests (because there definitely will be some)

Oh thank you! That really needed to be said.

I've never understood the whole hang up with trying to make everyone happy at a wedding. You know what? It's your wedding and it's your decision, and everyone can either like it or shut up -- seriously. The purpose of a wedding isn't to kiss everyone's butt -- it's supposed to be a day for and about the couple getting married.

Totally agreed. It is your day. Make it what you want. End of story.

"bitchy guests" should be taken right off the guest list. that stuff annoys me, like everyone else was saying, is it their wedding or the bride and groom's? with my sarcastic personality i would probably go out of my way to do outrageous stuff to piss these people off if i was faced with this situation heh heh heh;)

One other thing that you might want to look into, if your reception isn't at a hotel--

Some hotels have agreements with local reception halls where you can get a hotel van to do one hour of drop-off service at the beginning of the reception, and one hour of pick-up service at the end of the reception.

We had a lot of out-of-town guests who were younger and were sharing cars and didn't know the area well. So it was really nice for them to be able to have something to drink (most of them didn't get blasted, but they definitely had alcohol), and didn't have to worry about being too drunk or too lost to find their way back to the hotel, or trying to drive in 3" heels.

All of the guests who were ~22-26 who took advantage of the van really were appreciative of it. You may have some who would take advantage of the van service and would get totally blasted if you had an open bar all night, but if you have just wine with dinner or a wine/beer/champagne bar you can limit the extent to which they get plastered.