married again??
 

in light of j lo and another situation that hits really close to home, would you marry someone that has been married numerous times?

j lo is not that bad with just three marriages. but how about someone who had been married 5, 6, or even 8 times? could you still trust that the person will stay committed??

Nope :)

That would just be a really big turn off for me.

If I were to be their, say, third marriage definitely not. But I was their second, of course. I would, however, make sure that whatever issues they had in their first marriage were resolved and dealt with, such as communication problems, sexual difficulties, imbalance of power, etc. And if they ever talked smack about their ex-wife to me, I'd bolt, but not before giving them the number of a competent therapist that can deal w/ that isht much better than I can.

what if the reason was boredom with the partner?

because really after 5 marriages, the reasons can't be all that resonable.


the reason that i am asking is my father. he is wanting to get married again. this is number 9:rolleyes:

See, it seriously depends on the marriage number--I wouldn't assign an arbitrary one. Three sounds bad if you're under 40, but if the person's older, there's a possibility that at least 1 of those spouses died. Also, it also depends on the circumstances in which each marriage ended.

But, people like J.Lo, who are young and just getting divorced--they're a red flag. Falling in love is fun and all--but, seriously. Just 'cause you get butterflies doesn't mean you have to run to the altar.

I agree with Munchkin....I can't decide on an arbitrary number. My step-father has been married four times....his first wife died, and he divorced his second and third wife, and has been married to my Mom for almost 13 years now. I think he needs to work out some of his issues, however (he brings up things that his previous wives did and holds my mom accountable/accuses her of doing the same things), which I wouldn't get into.

Also, I think it depends on the age of the person considering getting married to someone who's previously been married. I know that at my age (24), I wouldn't want to be marrying someone who's been married 3-4 times already, but for a 35-year old, it may be a different situation.

I wouldn't want someone married more times than J Lo or Liz Taylor!

I am married to a guy who has been married before (this is my first marriage and his second)

TO me, boredom is NOT a reason for divorce...and if you've been married more then 2 or three times and you get "bored" that easily....maybe marriage just isn't for you....

i'm 26. at this point i wouldn't even date someone who had been married before, let alone marry him. as i get older, that opinion may change (although i hope the guy i'm dating is the ONE)

anything over 3 marriages just seems excessive. i guess it depends on the circumstances.

I think boredom is one of the best reasons for divorce lol.

i love jlo but i think she has an issue that she needs to constantly be with someone..its like low self esteem..if she does have low self esteem i dont know why bc shes beautiful!! but idk whatever floats her boat. she does her own thing and she lives life. personally i dont think its kosher

I agree with you! I am young, and - in my opinion - quite a catch. I think I have the right to be picky and when I live out the typical girl "fantasy" of being proposed to, getting married, going on my honeymoon, setting up a house and living happily ever after, I want it to be new and exciting for both of us - not "old hat" for him. This means that I do write off men who have been married before and I don't ever start dating them. Judgemental and unfair? Maybe. But there are a lot of other great guys out there and I'm sure I can find a non-divorcee to make me happy. And I am sure that the great divorcees can find someone else to make them happy besides me.

Now, I may change my tune in a couple years if I am friends with someone first or find myself in a a situation where I want to open myself up to the possibility of dating someone who's been married. But, for the most part I am strongly opposed to divorce so, now, no.

Are you strongly opposed to divorce even when things are not working?

I think people lose sight of the fact that you have to, at least to some extent, make things work. So, yes, I often am.

No relationship can survive without a little compromise and you often find that things worth having take some effort. Momma didn't raise no quitter here!

Ya know, it's pretty depressing to know that people have such a bad attitude about their potential with someone who was previously married.

I am going to court next week to divorce my husband who admitted to me that he cheated, doesn't want kids and will always put his career above all else.

I did nothing wrong, yet I have to live with this stigma. It hurts to think that people will automatically exclude me from the dating pool.

I would hope that guys would see me as a strong woman who won't put up with a guy who would disrespect her in that way. But perhaps I am wrong, and guys will see me as used goods.

BTW, I am only 26 and I didn't think I believed in divorce either...

I would date someone that was divorced, assuming that the following are met:

~he has moved on
~the ex-wife has moved on (i.e. remarried)
~he's only been married once

I am only 29 and I have quite a few friends that have been married and divorced already.

Dzsaigirl I am sure that you will have no problem finding a nice guy. And if some guy wrote you off SOLELY because of that...well, I'm sure its his loss.

i was going to say the same thing as Honeykiss. it doesnt matter that we have our views on being with people who were previously married. if you dont want people to care about your love life history, then the right person for you will not care.
because my dad has such a history with marriages, i told myself that i want nothing to do with it. i want my life to be the opposite. i want to only marry once to someone who has never been married before. i want to have that life cause it is my desire. and i believe that it will happen.


i am sorry dzsaigirl for your situation. but please try to understand where some of us are coming from.

I admire you DZ
My mom was cheated on by my father for years. She finally found out and got a divorce fast. She met my step father who I love and call dad now and got remarried. They also had a boy, Kris who if my step dad didnt give my mom a chance would never have been born.

I think any woman who can stand up for something thats so terrible as cheating deserves a happy and healthy life and relationship. Dont ever let anyone tell you different. If my hubby did that to me Id be divorcing his ass too.

I couldnt look a man in the eye or love him anymore if he was in bed with someone else while married to me. It gets me sooo mad, I cant even talk about it. NOONE deserves it and everyone thats been through it, deserves a chance at real love and someone who wont do that to them.

Just my 2 cents

What about abuse? Or "irreconcilable differences" (ie, he works all the time and ignores you, drinks too much, sexual incompatibility, psychological problems, what have you)?

Ok I wasnt thinking of all the reasons to get divorced when I replied so yes those too.

I just dont think people should just go out and divorce and divorce just cause. I know several people who got divorces cause they just didnt want to deal with the other person anymore or made a mistake and shouldnt have gotten married. To me marriage is a very sacred thing not to be taken lightly so I say dont get married if you arent sure you want that for life. If horrible things happen, then yes a divorce is a good thing to get.

My uncles wife decided after 9 years she just wanted to be alone and didnt want to be married. This is happening now. She doesnt have a bf or has cheated she just doesnt want to be married anymore. He is a mess. So those kinds of things upset me.

Fantasy Island
 

For those of you "youngins" that have ideas about folks being married, single or whatever:

Marriage is NEVER what you think it is until you are married...

And if your situation winds up in divorce for whatever reason, then you can NEVER imagine what will happen after the fact...

IMHO, what I wanted for me, I also wanted it for the man. It was what I could deal with, it was what I was capable of handling. I had an education, 2 advanced degrees and I was working hard. I would expect my significant other has acheived similarly to me, or better.

Personally, that I why I think that folks outta marry in their 30's opposed to their 20's... Simply because in your 20's everything in life is still rather unstable. Feelings and emotions are still someone skewed. If your 30-something and still have skewing, folks really are wondering what the FCUK is your problem... I.E. livin' in your mom's house at 35... Or still relyin' on your parents for "party money"...


DZai--

I am truly sorry for your situation. I hope that when you meet the man truly worthy of your love that if you choose to marry him, he will give attempt to fulfill all your hopes and dreams...

This is true that relationships take work. But, it's important to realize that some situations are simply beyond help. Infidelity, excessive drug use, ANY kind of abuse, mismanagement of funds, and simple differences in goals (kids vs. no kids, career as first priority no matter what) are dealbreakers in my book. Since I have so many areas on which I refuse to compromise, does that make me a "quitter"? Does that mean that I don't hold marriage as sacred as, say, my grandparents, who celebrated 60 years of marriage today?

It bothers me to hear people say that they "don't believe" in divorce. It's not like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny--it exists. You don't think--or don't have the reason to believe--that divorce is an option in your life. When I marry, I hope it is forever, and I will work for that goal. I will not, however, stay in a situation that in which any of the above circumstances I mentioned happen.

dzsaigirl, I'm so sorry to hear of your story. :( I hope you've noticed that most of the posts railing against subsequent marriages are from women. I'm sure there's a guy out there who will realize your experience is a reason to keep you, that a woman who respects herself is a great gift.

AKA_Monet, your posts are always so insightful. :) I think as people grow up and mature, they see that there is an awful lot of gray in this world.

I think it totally depends on the circumstances...I also think that given my life experiences, I'm a little skewed. It would really depend on the circumstances for their divorce, like has been said earlier in this thread.

Re: Fantasy Island
 

Well, it is exactly what I thought it would be. As long as you marry someone good, and truly think about what you are doing with your head and not just your heart, marriage can be relatively easy and surprise-free. My husband and I have no major problems. I knew exactly the type of man he is, and I totally accepted that. I thought long and hard about getting married to him before I did. And I am extremely happy. Btw, I also married when I was 22, so I think the age thing should be taken on a case by case basis. Not all people in their 20s don't know who they are.

Re: Re: Fantasy Island
 

Well, it is exactly what I thought it would be. As long as you marry someone good, and truly think about what you are doing with your head and not just your heart, marriage can be relatively easy and surprise-free.

I did think with my head, thank you very much...

My husband and I have no major problems. I knew exactly the type of man he is, and I totally accepted that.

I thought this too, or else I wouldn't have married.

I thought long and hard about getting married to him before I did. And I am extremely happy.

I, too, thought long and hard. And I was also extremely happy until he dropped the bomb.

Re: Re: Fantasy Island
 

The issue with youthful marriages people can change...

Now if folks can go with the flow and change together then, hey, it might work out...

But if 2 folks have problems with all of rapid fire changes that occur in a young person's life, then--who knows???

And if one is still "rapid fire" changing things around in their 30s and 40's lives--then it's like, LUSER... Get a job, a house & a car...

It is liken to me, deciding to give up my job and education to be a supermodel--a cross between an elephant and a rhino... HAYLE if I know...

I'm 30 something with a Master's and Ph.D. in molecular genetics. I am a scientist. I weigh too much and I am not tall and slender--how the HAYLE will I be a supermodel--for who? Or for what? Besides, that would not really not make me happy...

I think the issue is knowing yourself the most before wanting to include someone else in your life... If you can "give and take" a little... Some things MUST be compromised... And usually, as you grow older, you must change. I can tell you your body will change even if your mind does not... Everyone ages--even in their thinking...

Then it is all a matter of adjusting and fine tuning--fitting all the music together in symphonous sound rather than discord. And for some folks, life just stays in the tuning phase, rather than going into orchestra.

I am glad you have the kind of relationship you have always dreamed of. That your mate is meeting all of your expectations. Good for you! I hope you acheive all your dreams and wishes too. And you are definitely lucky to have met, married and be in love with someone in your youthful age.

Most folks are at best going to only going to have a mate or spouse... Never truly the one they love or soulmate... I am happy for you that you have a spouse that is the one you love as your soulmate...

Re: Re: Fantasy Island
 

How old are you?

If you're under 27, I'm totally not listening.

Re: Re: Re: Fantasy Island
 

I think your EX has some issues that go way beyond anybody's understanding... Even yours...

He may be having a "sexual crises" if you know what I mean... Because if he said he only wants to do his work and shit... I can tell you that is a bunch of CRAP!!!

I don't think he is cheating per se... I think it is who he wants to mess around with... And it don't sound like someone with an XX chromosomal spread... It may not even be human... :rolleyes:

I just think once you get through all of this HAYLE, and reflect, you'd probably discover that you are better off...

And now here is your chance to do ALL that you ever dreamed of in your life... Go to grad school and get that degree...

Live in another country and experience life--with Paolo or Sergio--or whatever you want his name to be--and make sure he's sexy and cannot speak English that well...

And you are still young enuf--and cute enuf--I know you don't have a feeling right now and your numb... But take that little money your EX is SUPPOSE to give you and get outta town fast!!!

And gwirlfriend--live it up!!!

Re: Fantasy Island
 

I couldn't agree more.

At the risk of redundancy, cosign
I'm a facilitator at a divorce recovery seminar, and I have heard stories that would peel the paint off your porch. It's interesting to see the couples who really do try to make things work - the ones who make it and those who don't.

I don't believe in the no-fault divorce, because that's like saying, "I'm tired of working on my marriage" or some other child-like tantrum. But when there's adultery, desertion, or abuse involved, the parties should be able to divorce without stigma (to the party not at fault).

Of course, I'm all for as much counseling as needed, and WAITING between marriages - statistically, anyone who divorces & remarries within two years has an 85% chance of having a second failure.

I would date men who have been divorced, but I'd need to know the circumstances first. My own brother has been married three times: the first time, his wife cheated on him while he was posted overseas in the service, the second time, she passed away, and now he's been married for 18 years (wow, that long?!).

When I read the first post, I thought "of course I wouldn't want to marry someone who has been divorced multiple times"...but there are always cirucmstances. I definitely wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't take marriage seriously and jumps in and out of it (like J. Lo seems to do). If someone was married for a while and made a genuine effort, I think that is completely different than someone who is bored or is difficult to be with.

Honeychile, I think the statistics bear this out for serious long term relationships also . . . but statistics are funny things.

I have some frends that are serial monogamists, and even though the person they are with changes up, their routines, patterns and behaviors in the relationship are so consistant its like they are just dating the same person over and over with a different face. Its like they lose the individuality.

Amazing.

I agree that there are some dealbreakers - I just think it has to be a little more extreme than what most seem to leave for these days. Abuse - of course, get out of there. Some of the other things you mention, however, may be able to be dealt with. If you really love someone, I would think that you would usually be inclined to want to first try to help them through their substance abuse or financial difficulties with some professional counseling and support.

As for the kids vs. no kids or career as a first priority, I simply see those as things that should be discussed and sorted out prior to reaching the altar. Marriage isn't something to rush into and I think if people took their time getting to know each other, it might cut down on the divorce rate a little.

No, some of the things I mentioned can't be dealt with when they are in severe forms. I don't know how familiar you are with the terrible impact of addiction on a family. When someone is overdrawing from your account, selling the family car, or doing such things just to get that next fix--there's only so much you can take. Don't forget--sometimes substance abuse does spiral into abuse or infidelity.

The same goes for financial issues--I have seen marriages fall apart because one person's overspending. It's not simply, "oh, she's just thrifty"--it's that one member of the couple spends way beyong the couple's means, putting them on the brink of homelessness or bankruptcy. These things happen--and there are things you may not see in dating (because of lack of money or whatever) that you see very clearly when you're married.

Sometimes those things ARE discussed in detail prior to marriage. People change. I never realized this when I wanted to become an art history professor, but to seriously thrive in your field, to have a job where your health care is actually paid for, where you don't have to worry about getting fired the next year or having your funding run out--sometimes family has to be sacrificed. I have a lot of professors who have chosen not to start families for that reason; when I heard their stories, I knew there was no way I could do as well in my career as I wanted to and still have a family. Sometimes people don't realize the extent of how much a super-star career in academia, medicine, or the law means to your outside life until you're already married.

Same thing with kids. Just because you feel one way at 22, 25, 30, whenever doesn't mean you'll feel that way even a year later.

Basically--you can talk talk talk all you want. It doesn't mean that what you say or feel at one point won't change. Ideally--couples change and grow together. Sometimes they don't.

I think divorce happens way too often in this country, but I'm not going to go and say that it can be avoided almost all the time. Your views are highly simplistic and don't take into account the scope of the human experience.

If you're talking about living together, yes, the 85% statistic stands. One of the best ways of making sure that your marriage won't work is by living together first.

First marriages have a 48% chance of failing.

Thank you.

Some people jump to judgement...We DID discuss these things prior to marriage...AT LENGTH. In excruciating detail. I did not rush into anything.

Like munchkin has said about careers in academia, my husband fell victim to this exact thing. He will have his PhD in less than a year. The doctorate and lifestyle that he saw looming were at severe odds. Did this cause him to cheat...no, he did that on his own. But his change of heart on the kids and family priorities was exactly as munch explained.

People should not automatically assume that people's failed marriages are based on poor planning or lack of knowledge of anyone's intentions. You know what they say about people who assume...:o

I almost have to laugh at how high and mighty people are with respect to the issue of divorce.

In my opinion, you can get married with the best of intentions but you will never, EVER know what will happen or how things might change. Aside from things that have already been mentioned -- abuse, cheating, substance abuse, etc., more subtle problems can arise. Over time, you may not feel the same way about your spouse as you did at first. You may not feel sexually attracted to him/her any more. I don't think there is any amount of "work" or "counseling" or anything in the world that can make you sexually attracted to someone, or that can make you have feelings for someone that you no longer have. I also don't think you're doing any favors by staying with someone for whom you don't have strong feelings any more -- I would never, ever want someone to be with me even if he's not into me just because he made a vow.

Maybe y'all think it's great to stick it out in an environment where you're not happy and never will be -- more power to you. I just can't imagine living like that, and I fail to see why divorce is such a huge problem.

I think that it is very easy for people to judge when they have not been in a serious relationship or married. People tend to idealize marriage, but sometimes reality is ugly.

Marriages end in two ways-death or divorce. Divorce seems preferable to me. Why spend your life being unhappy?

Many religions offer counseling prior to marriage as a way to test compatibility. The course points out potential problems couples might have in their lives together and how to address them. They teach communication techniques and conflict resolution. This counseling is very successful.

IMO, this is the worst reason people use to justify a divorce. If the only reason someone cares about his/her spouse is sexual attraction, then that person had issues to begin with.

Right, because of course I said the only reason someone should be married is sexual attraction. It's all a part of the big picture that consists of every aspect of a relationship. Some people don't think that sex/sexual attraction is very important, and some do. My point is that if you think it's important and you don't have it, I don't think it's possible to get it back no matter how much you try. If you don't think it's important, then good for you, and hopefully your spouse feels the same way and isn't out banging someone else.

Re-read my post...I didn't say you did say that. What I stated in my post was that, IMO, too many people get divorced because they don't feel that same attraction to their spouse that they did in the beginning. A marriage has to be about more than physical/sexual/etc. attraction. If someone married another person without a sense of companionship or common interests or some other backbone to the union, then of course that marriage is more likely to have problems.