Marrying Down?
 

Watching "The View".

Do you all see a problem with marrying someone who may not be from the same socio-economic background as you? May not have a college degree? etc.

There is nothing wrong with marrying someone from a different socio-economical backround or someone who does not have a degree, someone from another race or any other differences that will arise.
Love is love no matter what circumstances you or that person has seen
love does not come from what someone hads or does not have
It comes from inside both people

Well, it depends on your goals. One of the basic elements of the relationship should be common goals. If they don't have a degree and you do, and you want to go further in your education, I mean, that's kind of hard, because your goals may not be on the same wavelength. If you're striving to further yourself, and they don't care and want to just work at McDonalds, then yall are not on the same wavelength about what you want from life.

But, like, if yougrew up rich and he poor or something of that nature, that's unimportant, as long as everything else is in sync.

I think there is a problem honestly. If you don't normally run in the same social circles, don't have the same types of aspirations or have the same types of plans for the future that opens up a world of problems for the two of you. Love is a great thing but it can't overcome everything. I say this because money is often a problem for couples in general, add in couples who aren't necessarily ever going to make the same amount of money, and you have a timebomb waiting to go off. On top of the resentment that either one of you may develop towards each other for trying to better yourself or refusing to better yourself. it does work for SOME couples but it seems like one more thing that could cause problems for you.

Depends, primarily on his internal drive. Although I would prefer a guy who had some college (so that he had some critical thinking experience), I think that his motivation and desire play a bigger role. I don't really mind that a guy is a postal carrier (which is what my dad is) with no degree as long as he is the most effecient carrier around, that he has other intellectual pursuits/interests, that he's passionate about the things in which he is involved, and that he has a real desire in helping me (us)achieve my (our) professional, educational and social goals.

If, however, the guy is just barely getting by, hates his job (and has no plans for anything else), doesn't like supporting me in my social (networking) activities, doesn't crack open a book, I wouldn't call that "marrying down"--I'd call that a guy incompatable with my interests and goals. I don't think that education and socio-economic background are the only indicators of whether he'd be a good fit in that area though.

I have dated "down" and it has always been the problem for the guy. He would feel that I am cheating on him if I am at this event or another. Then if I would invite him to the place I am going, later he would say that we are talking about things that he would never talk about. We would be putting on show to isolate him.

I find this more in black men than other races. Why? It has to do with their pride. At least that is what I am told.

Now whether I will date or marry down, that is up in the air. I would rather be with someone who understands me. And understands the woman I am where I want to be. Alot of men can not get that. They want it one way but when your mind is open to all that is possible you can see an array of things that are possible.

co-sign 100%! It really is about compatability. I can say that marrying people of different educational levels happened in the past as well. Several of my Mom's teacher-friends married men who worked in factories or industrial type jobs and had no education.

I think it also depends on the security of the people involved.
Is she trying to change him and make him into a corporate type (think Franklin's issue with Zora in Dissapearing Acts, although they had other issues as well.) Is she embarrassed of him? Is he jealous of her? Does he always try to show "who wears the pants"? Is he embarrassed/feel inferior because she makes more money?

BTW, a degree does not mean you make more money. I am in HR and my hubby is more technically inclined and while he attended college, he did not finish. He makes about $15k more than me, and probably will even after I get my masters. There was a time that I made more than him, and we were both fine with it.

Well Star stated that she would prefer to marry someone in the same socio-economic level because they would have more in common. Is that always the case?

Cosign for me

You have summed up my feelings to a "T".

The irony for me is that I've met someone and compared to him, I think I'm the "down". *lol*

Granted, I'm educated (MBA) have a good job and the like, but this person owns porperty (vineyards), his own business, was a professional baseball players, very intelligent , etc.

Umm, I own 2 pieces of art, my car (and that's in November) and I'm still trying to pay off 40K of student loans. :(

So maybe "down" is in the eye of the beholder?:confused:

Maybe its in the mind.

I agree to this.
I've dated "down" also. The guy works in a trade and makes a-lot-o-cash and that great but money is not the connecting factor to make a relationship work. I thought he was a nice guy and gave him a chance but in the long run we really had nothing in common. We don’t have the same social circle, he gives me attitude when I tell him I'm going to the First Friday's (it's FF's not the millionaires club, geeze...:rolleyes: )

In relation to raising kids, we would (and still do) get into it about the hows and what’s of childrearing. My childhood background is such that I would consider it to be, not spoiled but advantaged. I did everything, Girl Scouts, clubs at school, annual trips to the family friend's orchard/ranch/farm in the wine country, summer camp, etc... I want my kid to experience the same thing if not more. He gets pissed off and says that's bourgeoisie. :rolleyes: Exposing your kids and yourself to the world is NOT BOURGEOISIE!

Our conversations always ended up being about social status, class structure and me defending why I am the way I am. Talk about politics? He couldn't tell you that Sacramento is the state capitol of Cali. WTF?.:eek: He got mad because I volunteered at the Democratic convention... :confused:

He would give me grief about school related matters or sorority stuff. These are basic things, I can't imagine talking to him about serious issues.

He had a general attitude against black folks who were moving up and on to bigger and better things and just felt like I was the person to pick on (he seriously picked the wrong sister for that;) )

ETA:
If two people can put aside the minor differences and work it out, I say more power to them.

Hello Ladies. Could the issue or stife be that some women enjoy the status of "documented" men, rather then some who just worked without going to through and completing the process of a formal education. I often find myself in this conversation with friends about whether I would even entertain the notion of dating a woman without "documented" education. As i get older and continue in my pursuits to be a college professor and widely published author-:D , I would feel uneasy in a relationship where a discussion about our college experience or the trials and error of graduate school is not revisited in the form of personal anecdotes. I guess that my academic pursuits are VERY important to me, I worked entirely too hard not to relish in it and to not have a women who is my EQUAL in every sense of the word.

Please note, this doesn't mean that we were raised in the same situation, but the level of personal rigor placed in creating a comfortable life for myself and my family. Just my thoughts...be easy.

I am looking....any of you ladies single?;)

You two sound JUST LIKE my folks. I think that's the number one reason why me and my dad cannot relate to each other at all. Eventhough he's "moved up" some, he taken his upbringing with him. I sure as hell don't want to repeat this with a guy, by dating/marrying "down" nor "up" (it will suck being the "down" one too). However, if he's adaptable to most environments, I won't mind dating a guy who had a more humble upbringing, as long as he is getting his education. I knew a few guys like that, and liked them. So, I guess it's more about attitude than literal upbringing, like someone said above.

I'm sure for some women the status of degrees or business owner whatever is required before they'll consider dating someone. I think for me the main thing is sort of what you discussed. I like exchanging freshman blues stories, or when we decided xyz was the org for us (I tend to date Alphas and Omegas so we end up having the discussion eventually, nothing wrong with anyone else I just haven't met anyone in any of the other orgs that made me drool --till the PanHell bowling thing but that's neither here nor here), homecoming, week long spades tournaments, graduation and what not. He doesn't need to have a MA or anything but as most of my friends have at least a BA he'd feel left out (probably) hanging out with us as the majority of us have (or will have soon) MAs, MBAs, JDs, PharmDs and PhDs. And like Ninja there are some things I want my kids to do, not just because I did them but because I think they will be good for them but I am not sure if we are dealing with too many strata over if he's gonna understand any of that. Now having said all of that if the brother is smart, is paying his bills, treats me well, and we share similar values and goals we can work it out no matter his education status. Besides since I firmly believe in your money, our money and my money as long as got enough in our money to pay the bills and take care of the kids I'm happy. Happily single cause I'm not trying to drag a man around (ie have him follow me around the country) till I get settle after internship and in my first teaching position as Dr. MSN in August of 2005.

Don't nobody want you Mr. Bougie!! I can see you now..."Can you provide me with documentation of this degree you speak of ?" LOL.

But I agree that it could trying to be with someone who may not have the same background as you. But...I know ya'll are going to laugh at me but it reminds me of Shrek 2, I just saw it yesterday,lol. Fiona was a princess but she fell in love with an Ogre. It worked for them!
:D

The term
 

I don't really like the phrase 'marrying down".
I have been married twice, neither husband has a college degree. Both are very good men, hard workers, intelligent, great jobs, the list of positive characteristics go on and on.
Although handsome, some sisters would not have looked twice at them, because they both came from the wrong side of town(chicago westside) and no degree, but their lost. This is why so many sisters are ALONE and will never marry. If he's a good man, dayum the degree.

That's a good point. I was just using the term used on the show. It implies that someone is beneath you because they have a different background.

And the west side of Chicago is the BEST side. Don't let those southsiders fool ya! lol.

ROFL but she TURNED into an ogre and she was only a princess half the time. The other time she was rocking that ogre gear.

Same general topic in the dating chat area
BLue Collar vs White Collar

THEepitome1920.....I will let you slide. Only because we have known each other so long. Through the years, I know damn well that we discussed this. Yo ass prolly agreed. Negro Please!-LOL:rolleyes:

I know I have had this convo with my friends all the time.

June's Essence has a write up on it "I married a Janitor and I'm happy" aka Men, Women and the New Power Gap.

Why you gotta air our conversations!! LOL.

Yeah I saw that article. Mad at the title.

I feel this is an issue and will continue to plague us for years to come.

I hate to sound uppity, but I personally cannot see myself marrying someone who does not have at least a BA or BS. I am currently working on an MBA and I plan to obtain a JD in the future. My future wife does not need to have a Master's, but she has to at least have a Bachelor's. I am aware that there are plenty of people out there that are doing well financially without a college education. However, I need someone that I can relate to.

On the flipside of that, my mother got remarried last year. Her husband(my stepfather)only has a high school diploma. I think it is really up to the individual in the end. Additionally, in my parents' generation there were plenty of people that were able to have careers without having to attend college or any other additional schooling. These are different times and we have different lifestyles these days.

Re: The term
 

Not to pry but you said you were married twice, what ended the relationships?

I can say this much, my aunt got remarried a couple of years ago. She has always told me she would never marry a man with at least a college education. She has her masters.

And who she married? A man who only has a third grade education and he provides for her! bought her a house and everything. So it has to do with the person. If he or she is sound. But I can tell you from my personal experience it never turned out so good. Its even harder when I try to better myself and the man can not get with the program. First thing out of his mouth is, "What you think you are white?" or "If I wanted a white girl, I would have gotten with one."

I guess my question is, when did black equate to ghetto and no education?

Maybe I got off the subject but it was burning inside of me.

And I read the Essence article. It was well done considering it was Essence (sometimes they have off months of good content).

One thing that I have always noticed in my graduate classes is that there are tons of women and only a few men. It is a single man's dream of course(lol), but I can imagine that it doesn't make the single women think that there are a lot of prospects out there.

Marrying Down
 

Honestly, it should not be a problem, but society makes it a problem. It all depends on the individual. Both individuals are basically learning from each other. Look at it as an opportunity to share your life with your other. Marriage is about compromising, understanding, learning together. You are suppose to intertwine (make connections).

Re: Marrying Down
 

i agree with you but alot of people don't see it that way.

Re: Re: Marrying Down
 

Thats true. People will not see it that way. Thats why it should only matter with the individuals involved in the relationship. The problem with relationships are that people don't communicate with each other, and they let everyone outside relationshipd decide what they should do.

Now think about the single sistas in the workforce.

I know I get picked up by the bike messengers all the time. Not to knock them but I did go out with one. Guess where he took me? So place with a midday special. I didn't mind that. But after that we didn't have anything to talk about. His thing was when he could move in and stop working so that I can take care of him.

That is not cool move. I mean its hard enough out there without dealing with all that. :mad: :rolleyes:

I'm single!!!!

ARTICU-LATE hit me up and let me see what's really good!

I am single also.

98, you can hit me up too. I'm still accepting applications!

love in the dove,
Zeta_Ace2003

Zeta_Ace...Don't start nothing you can't finish. You are my CLUB too! I see you are from Cleveland. Check out www.fypment.com. By Pi Chapter bruhs are sponsoring this event at Randall Park Mall.

Hit me up on PM if you can make it.;)

Who is taking applications?

That would be me! let's here it GC. Who else is accepting applications? Maybe we can get a GC love connection going on! lol

I'm single, but all of you live too far away :(

Nobody said you can't start a love connection within these confines. Who knows what the future may hold!:D ;)