How do you get romance back
 

OK I am married for about a year, but we've been together for 7 years. Weve lived together for about 4. I know we love each other to death and we get along so perfect, but its like he was so romantic for the first few years and now its like he doesnt have a romantic bone in his body.

It used to be hed bring me home cards and flowers and say the sweetest things, now I dont even see a card except on big occassions. I just wish he was more romantic. I cant comprehend how you can just quit doing such sweet things. I know I still get him cards and buy him cute things. Does romance leave after 7 years or what? I just want him back to how he used to be.

Does anyone else have this problem or is it just me?

Has to be a married thing I swear. I guess I need attention and like alot of it lol. We do have time where we watch seperate shows, but we try to spend time together each night after work so we can say we still see each other.

I know about the card stuff. He reads them and says awww thanks Shan and then I end up putting them away in the house.

Were going on vacation this coming week so I hope we can try to get some time to spend and maybe have some romance. I dont know though. I just want some romance and some things that show he cares and really put thought into stuff.

hehe. that is so my relationship! he works on his computer about 75% of the day. somtimes he'll take a break and go out with me to the mall or something. sometimes, we'll chat online when we're right next to eachother. lol. but yea, i used to get dinners cooked for me, warm towels when i shower, cards for no reason.

role play role play role play role play! the excitement of fantasy...

sex in public sex in public sex in public! the thrill of getting caught...

i will now give a quote from FRIENDS, except twist it up a little.

" Have you ever thought about being there, FOR HIM."

ok now i have to throw another one in....

" you're over me? ...when were you under me?"

hey shannon, i hope that helps. if not. get divorce. jk

I am not sure you can.

I mean I know of both parties try you can. Even if the male does it alone you usually can.

Males are considered the initiators of romantic stuff in relationships. Generally lol.

All that I can think of is look at your sex life, remember that men approach feelings of intimacy through physical contact. Sex play.

So in a 7 day week, if you aren't having sex or serious sex play 4 or 5 days of it, the man is probably a bit mentally disengaged.

Here is another trick, try to prompt some serious foreplay without actual release for the guy at least once a day.

I know you guys say you do romantic stuff in this thread, but you don't. We do that stuff for you, because we know you think its romantic.

We don't like cards and stuff all that much, so why are you treating us like girls? If you want to be romantic towards us as guys, you have to think about what a guy wants.

You wouldn't want us to buy you a box of tools just because we like tools would you?

I'm afraid that mr. honeychile has been slacking in this department and we're not even married yet! We've been dating for almost 9 years, granted, but would an email to say "hi - thought of you" kill him?

*sigh*

And he wonders why I think we need counseling before we set a date.

I'm in the very same boat with you ladies!

I've been dating my bf for 5 years now and he has turned into a dud in the romance department. (I love how he thinks that saying "Hi babe" will suddenly get me in "the mood" :rolleyes: :p)

I did talk to a friend (who has a LOT more experience than I do) and she said the main cause is he doesn't think he needs to romance (aka impress) you any more. He may not realize that you still want that type of attention.

So, she suggested.. try doing little things for him. That should (unless he is the least bright bulb in the package..) encourage him to do things in return.

For instance, my bf and I are long distance currently, while I finish up school. He stop sending me cards, or flowers, or even asking how my day was when we talked. Then I realized that I had stopped doing the same things for him. So, I started sending him cards and calling him in the middle of the day just to say "hi" or see how his day was going.. and it has started to work.

Try that? It might work.. it is worth a shot?

and if all else fails.. smack him upside the head and say "Whaddaya, stupid?" ;) :p (jk..jk..jk!!)

Valid point. Men like sex, homecooked meals, their chores done for them, and toys they like bought for them. While some men do like "romantic" things like cards, flowers, etc., they are in the minority.

Men do the romantic stuff because WE like the romantic stuff.

Have you talked to him about your needs? Maybe, as someone else pointed out, maybe he thinks he doesn't "need" to do romantic things for you anymore because now you know he loves you. Maybe he still feels he's doing things to show he cares, but in a different package than you expect or want?

Talk to him and let him know that you know that he needs great sex, a pot roast and tickets to the hockey game to feel loved and fulfilled, and you need gebera daisys, a love note left on the kitchen fridge and a "thinking of you" card from time to time to feel the same.

very valid points.

^ that is probably right on the money.
I'll retract 80% of what I said to agree with that statement:)

women are so hard to please....

:(

Romance without finance is a nuisance... :rolleyes:

Take a "unity bath" together... Make an aphrodisiac drink...

If all else fails, go to a romantical place--by yourself--like Jamaica where ALL the men are wondering what you are--it is an ego boost...

OR

Cheaply--find out where the "boys night out" is on a Friday and wear the hoochie mama outfit from Frederick's of Hollywood and see what his boys say... Then play on his "senses" all night long...

I dunno what it is, but Dolce & Gabanna perfum--the pure $100 perfum--is an aphrodisiac for men...

You all need to do something more with your lives, besides work and housewifeing... You need to help someone less fortunate than yourselves. Your panties would be all up in a bunch if you had something more to your lives than worrying 'bout how your partners ain't flowing the love your way...

Then it may have never been there in the first place...

Get involved. Be engaging... Move forward. Make a difference. If you man doesn't see that, he will never respect you for all the things you think he married you for...

OR

Maybe you all need a date night (or day or weekend) and you make a ritual out of it that you both share...

Your men ain't into you...

In 12 years, we have had some wonderful moments and some dry spells...let me correct that..dry years. We both have flashes of brilliance and moments of utter bordedom.

One way that I defintely got his attention in the romance department.....
I played Mr. Silver that song, "Buy Me Rose," from Kenny Rogers REALLY loudly OVER and OVER...AND I sang along.

Sad thing is....he brought home roses one day. My mom was visiting; we both turned and said in unision, "What did you break?"

Actually, Mr. Silver and I have made a conscious effort to revitalize our marriage. Turning off the TV and the computers was the first step.

IMO, a weekend retreat to a B & B that DOES NOT have a TV or telephone is a good start.

In his flashes of brilliance, he is a rare find indeed. For example, last year on my birthday, I went to AOII IHQ to give a tour to a friend. When I walked in the door, everyone there knew it was my birthday. I was presented with a rose-wrapped box containing a jeweled 1945 AOII badge from my chapter!

But, boredom is equally bad...guys, a USED harvest gold blender is NOT an appropriate anniversary gift no matter how good a deal it was.....

Silver

Chage up your routine what you do, what you say to him ect.. He is libel to change and the romantic flame might restart. Doing the same ole stuff you both take each other and everything for granted.

so i take the normal come on:

"babe, lets smash"

won't work?

I can distill AKA_Monet's post down to that one sentence. What she says is really true. Your men aren't into you. When they were into you they did wonderful stuff right? Well there you go, the question is what YOU can do to get them to be more into you, because you can only control yourself.

Don't ever expect them to do the nice things when they aren't feeling into you.

Could be. Lots of girls let themselves go to seed once they're comfy in a relationship. I frankly don't blame guys for looking elsewhere, if this is the case. At the very least, being less affectionate and doting.

Make more of an effort yourself to remind him how lucky he is to have a wife/gf like you - give him cute gifts, do something wild and new in bed, cook him dinner, get tickets for him to go to the game with his boys.

Talk to him and agree that you both will put the work into it. You shouldn't expect him to do everything.

This is my philosophy... it didn't work for me last time, but I have every faith that it eventually will.

:D

Mr. valkyrie hardly ever gives me cards (except for special occasions) or flowers, but you know what -- I don't care about that stuff. I think it's more romantic when he makes dinner or rubs my feet or brings home beer or does any of the little things he does all the time. I think that defining "romantic" as cards and flowers is too limited -- romantic can be the every day things that we do for each other. And lots of really good sex doesn't hurt either.

I got to know, are you in your 30's yet?

lol Thanks for all the replies and some good advice.

I will say this, whoever said they dont blame men for looking somewhere else, I dont even get started on how wrong you are and how rude that was.

As for the sex, that sure isnt lacking AT ALL... We may have been together for 7 years and married for one year, but we are still like we met in that aspect. Lets just say that is not a problem at all in creativity and times in a week lol.

I think someone said this, but I think its jsut a guy does things for a girl to get her to be with him and he does the romance thing and the mushy stuff all the time and all of that, but after you are with him for so long, he doesnt think he needs to do that as much cause he has you now. I think I lost sight of that cause I never had long term relationships before my hubby, so I was always in the first stages of it and the guys I dated we all mushy then.

I need to just remember he married me and loves me so just cause I dont get mushy poems or love letters anymore, it doesnt change how he feels about me. The other night we talked about it and he said Shan, I dont have time to go out and get you cards and flowers, I leave work and come straight home so I can spend as much time with you as I can. I thought that was very sweet and very true. Id rather him be home with me then out shopping for cards. Plus he does still have his moments where I get cards and flowers. I need to realize just as our relationship has grown and matured so has the romance and its just as sweet and caring that he calls me everday from work to tell me he loves and misses me. :)

ok. in other words...this guy doesnt have to spend money on you with flowers and cards, all he has to do is call you and tell you he loves you and he get to sleep with you every night? THIS GUY IS MY GOD!!!!

jk. sorry...i was trying to make it sound like Joeys quote from Friends. oh well.

Granted I am not married, but I always let him know when I am feeling a little underappreciated. I'll sit him down and tell him what's up. I'll remind him of all the nice things I do for him (wash and fold his laundry, cook dinner when he's working late) and that I don't have to do them at all. (We don't live together....we live about 2 miles away from each other.) Usually he gets the picture and he shapes up. And if he doesn't get the picture, I will get all dressed up for him, treat him like a king in bed, and then tell him after the completion that if he doesn't shape up, that could have been the last time for everything. ;)

Now, he gives me fresh flowers every week! :D

I don't really understand this concept . . .

Ok, when you first start dating usually the guy is extremely attentive and affectionate because he is seriously into you.

If after a week or two he stopped being that way, you would correctly assume that he is not into you and move on to the new boy.

If after a month or two the same thing happened, you would again correctly assumed he is not much into you and move on to the new boy.

But after 6 months, a year, or two years or whatever, when he is no longer into you and therefore not being all that attentive or affectionate you want to stay and somehow make him focus on you again.

IS there some magical time of investment that makes it just really hard to move on, even though the guy is showing you by his actions that he is no longer into you?

I mean its like once you have an official "title" or he says "I love you" he no longer has to be into you or act like it for you to stay.

Now as a guy, this works for me, but is it rational?

Judge how people feel about you by their consistent unprompted actions towards you.

LOL, yes. ;)

lol James. I think most girls would know if he wasnt into them cause he was being rude and ignoring them and just showing hes not interested. I think in some of our cases its not he isnt into us, its he just isnt the bring home flowers everyday guy anymore. I know my hubby is still interested in how he treats me, the way he is with me, the things he says, and how he still listens to me even if its about the stupidest thing. He shows me everyday he loves me and I think if he didnt want to be with me anymore he wouldnt be so much in love with me and so attentive and all. Besides I would say if a guy wasnt interested in a girl and didnt sit down and tell her, then he is a butt. Its not fair to pretend to feel some way when you dont. I would hope guys dont do that after years and years just cause they dont want to hurt the girl. Id rather be hurt then led on. You cant get the time you lost back if someone were to lead you on. Better to know...

Agreed. Its nice every once in a while to get a surprise. We all love them and romantic ones at that. Girls just need assurance. I know he loves me but I love to hear it thats all....

The Five Love Languages
 

Just recently, my husband and I both read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

It's really good and was very informative for both of us.

I had never thought about the different ways that people "speak" love before this. It does explain why some girls just love a phone call, flowers or a card and others would prefer a back rub, doing the laundry, or a nice Sunday drive up the parkway. And it applies to men as well.

In addition, it addresses the "in love" vs. "love" thing.

I'd recommend it to anyone asking.

Re: The Five Love Languages
 

haha, I was going to bring up this book, but thought it would be too "mushy" for James. ;)

I was quite surprised...I read this book after a friend recommended it to me (well, okay, I haven't finished it yet...but I will eventually). But anyways, I was talking about it w/ another friend one night at dinner...and Mike (husband) was there w/ us. He said, "What is this you're talking about?" and I said, "Oh, nothing. Just this book that was recommended to me and I started reading it." He then proceeds to tell me that he knows exactly what I'm talking about b/c he saw it laying on our dresser and started reading it himself when he couldn't sleep one night! :eek: I was so shocked that he actually took the initiative to check this out for himself. Neither of us have finished reading it yet...but what I've read so far is pretty helpful, and I also would recommend it to anyone.

Great minds...
 

Great minds... and great sisters think alike.

You're right... much too mushy for James.

He's probably out of ideas. I can give him some, but if I tell you, it will be ruined.

Sorry if this is a bit of hijack but I heard this song last night and it made me think of this thread and your situations...women just need attention...duh :p

Shake the Sugar Tree - Pam Tillis (full lyrics)
Love, you're getting lazy
You're forgettin' to give me
Sweet sugar words that I wanna hear
You've been neglectin' me
You know jealously, it is a bitter as a green spring berry

And just like fruit from a fickle vine
You turn sweet in the nick of time
Love you only come alive when you're losin' me
And it's a childish game
I've got to shake you up just to wake you up
To make you love me

I'll shake the sugar tree
Til I feel your love fallin' all around me
You've got to tend to what you planted
And if you take my love for granted baby
I'll shake the sugar tree

This is way late and all...

But a wise ATO once told me

"Be the change you want to see"

Try it, you'll be surprised at how many times it works.

So true...

I just passed the same words along to a friend earlier this week!

I have to say I'm really impressed.

Great advice, and he was quoting Ghandi.