Men and women and breakups: Dissapointment vs. Betrayal
 

Ok.

I was talking to some people the other day about break-ups and we saw a general pattern that I wanted to run by you guys.

When a long term relationship ends and its deifnitely over, there seems to be a slight difference in perspective between men and women.

Most men I know feel dissapointed that the relationship didn't work out, maybe even a little relieved that it was finally over assuming the process of breaking was unpleasant.

Women i have spoken to, and watching posts on here, seem to feel almost betrayed by the end of the relationship. Almost like there is some implied contract that the guy has broken by not being a better mate or making sure thinks are worked out.

I was wondering if thats why women seem a tad bit more vindictive after a relationship is over . . .

This is also assuming that cheating is not involved, I think most people feel betrayed when someone cheats.

Anyone else notice this difference at all?

I think I can say that this is pretty much how my ex and I feel about our relationship ending. He feels happy it's over and I'm wondering where the heck he was when I was trying to make things work for the last month or so...

can't believe i'm agreeing with you James...

Dammit. I wanted to be the first to admit that we do feel betrayed and become vindictive little whores! Delete your post and repost it after mine! :p

Anywho, I know I have to be James' muse, cuz he's my free therapy. And nobody has drama like the Bunny ;)

I know that a lot of girls might try to argue his point, but the fact of the matter is, in most cases he's right. Everyone has their own experiences and I'm not going to speak for anyone else, just myself. Even now that my marriage probably won't happen, I'm upset at him... and I'm the one calling it off!

Anyone who remembers the virgin dude I was dating back in September remembers that I wanted him drawn and quartered when he dumped me, and he never even cheated! So yeah, we can be slightly bitter and vengeful...

The young man that things just ended with, it was a disappointment. However it was mutual because he has a lot of personal stuff going on, and he didn't spend enough time single before we got involved. I genuinely care for him, and he cares about me, but it just isn't the right time. We're going to see how things are at the end of the summer and take it from there. if I get involved with someone else, then it is his loss.

However...
If I was cheated on and/or lied to, that is a combination of betrayal and disappointment. Betrayal is obvious, because lying and cheating is low and classless. Disappointment is deeper. Why couldn't he be the man I thought he was and either end things, or be honest? I am highly disappointed in people who can't be an adult and have a relationship.

I've actually never gotten vindictive towards any guy I've dated. I've really hated one, but it was for far more than the break up (which I did).

I figure, no matter how things end, at some point in time I really liked the guy and I really enjoyed being with him otherwise I would have ended it before he did. What does it say about my taste in men if I suddenly decide he's scum of the earth......

I don't know about betrayed...but disappointed, oh yeah. Now, you have to take circumstances into account, but generally I think everybody feels disappointment, not just guys.

Sorry, James...I guess you might have to tickle me into submission after all, because I'm disagreeing with you again. ;)

I think that whenever somebody gets dumped and they didn't see it coming, they feel betrayed. And more likely than not, this tends to be the girl. However, I've seen it with guys too.

I think it depends on the people involved and the nature of the break up. I do think that the feeling of betrayal comes when there has been cheating going on, or the breaking of what were interpreted as promises. "I'm going to love you forever", "There will never be anybody else for me", "When we get married.." etc. It also feels like betrayal if there was expression of deep affection just prior to the break up. Boy says "I love you" and "makes love" and then breaks up shortly after.. that gives rather mixed messages. It's like "So you loved me two days ago and today you never want to see me again?". I think that a lot of the time, the break up was a long time coming but the person continued with the same habit of saying the same things and acting the same way, thereby blindsiding the person.

The only time I ever really felt betrayed was when I had been dating someone for a few months and he got on my case because I wouldn't assume there was a future between us. I said I wanted to buy an old pickup truck in a couple years just for Home Depot runs and he said something like "Don't you realize that in a couple years my truck will be your truck too?", implying he thought we'd be married. We had a talk about my cynicism and he swore he'd prove to me that he was a man of his word, would be around forever, etc. He broke up a week later, with some lame excuse about moving out of state.

Dee

I don't think that I have ever been betrayed by anyone. I have been hurt, disappointed, sad, and angry. Upon reflection and with time, I have been relieved that I got out before more damage could be done and more pain inflicted.

My friend was betrayed about six months ago and is in therapy about it. It's strange how a capricious gesture of one person can devastate someone else.

I'd have to say the end of my relationships are more marked w/ disappointment than a feeling of betrayal. I feel bad that things didn't work out, but gradually I come to find the reasons it didn't, and I accept it and then move on. The thought of contacting an ex (especially right after breaking up) just makes me laugh. I wouldn't be an ass, but I wouldn't be a friend either.

Re: Men and women and breakups: Dissapointment vs. Betrayal
 

**tongue in cheek**

But he could have at least tried to work things out, instead of just ignoring me!

**/end cheekiness**

Have you ever seen "Vanilla Sky" before?

Cameron Diaz: "You f***d me four times the other night. You've been inside me. I swallowed your cum. That means something!" and "Don't you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not. "

NOW... let me clarify immediately - I am not psycho! But, I think these quotes support James point, and I agree wholeheartedly with his argument.

I don't think sex is a promise, not for most anyway. But, when you say you love someone, it is, at least to an extent. It means you care, and you don't just give up on things you care about. So, when a so-called "loving" relationship ends, I feel somewhat betrayed that perhaps he didn't really love me in the first place. And if he had, he wouldn't have given up. That's my theory anyway.

But, I don't get all crazy, wacked-out, vindictive on his ass or anything. I just get sad.

bump

betrayal often has nothing to do with what someone does. the worse betrayal is when you thought someone KNEW you and they had no clue. they weren't loving YOU, they were loving who they thought you were and they're disappointed when that's not the real thing, because that would be easier.

Thanks oodles, James, my day is effing depressing enough and then you bump this isht.

Odd time to bump this, as I just happened upon my Ex's facebook page this morning. (I kept saying that I would not join facebook, and then one of my chapter sisters sent me an invite and I gave in.) I haven't seen anything of him since we broke up - we haven't talked, IMed, seen eachother, etc. He did mail my class ring back to my parents house, but that's it. It's been almost 5 years, and I broke up with him, and yet, when I saw his main facebook pic was him kissing his girlfriend (the only other one he's had since me), I did feel betrayed.:confused: Of course, it could have been because in the pic, he was wearing the shirt and tie that I gave him.:rolleyes:

Boooooo! I've been there, and it sucks.

I think guys definitely feel relieved, but I wouldn't go so far as to say all women feel betrayed - I just remember feeling very sad for a long time after my first college boyfriend and I broke up.

I broke up with my X because he cheated on me. I never caught him in the act but I knew he did. He even admitted to it, after I broke up with him. Well, after I broke up with him, he kept begging to get back together, so I did, but I just couldn't stop thinking about what he did, so I broke up with him again. He thinks I betrayed him the 2nd time because I broke up with him for no reason. I should have never taken him back the 1st time.:rolleyes:

All my break ups have been complete except for 1. Totally complete. No contact order is in effect... Better for my thought process.

Anyhow, if I broke up with my husband, I would move far away and change my hair color because that's what I usually do with I break up with someone. In this case, I probably shave my head like Brittney Spears and extremely lighten my hair color.

When I had break ups they were due to betrayal and disappointments. Folks break up for various reasons.

Simply put,
DISAPPOINTMENT:you feel sorry for them 4 a minute.....
BETRAYAL:you just gotta get down to it....and call CHEATERS just for the CONFRONTATION which is the best part.....

JOEY GRECCO IS MY HERO!!!!!!

Who nutz???????DEEZNUTZ!!!!!!!

I think it depends on the breakup. I just ended things with a guy who we were having some issues. We discussed them over the phone and everything seemed okay and we were still making plans to see each other, then 3 hours later I get a nasty email and he is just chewing me to peices. He took on the "womans" role that James mentioned. What happened was that I was honest with him, I told him that I wanted to continue dating him to see where it would head but at this point in the relationship that I wasn't seeing marriage, kids and growing old together, which he was. My honesty hurt him and he lashed out. He started blaming me for everything that went wrong in the relationship (which I had said that I definately was at some fault). When I told him that I thought we should break up and take a step back and if we were truly "meant to be" we would be two weeks to two months from now, he did a 180 and started begging me not to break up and was saying everything was his fault.

I can't say I feel betrayed or really even disappointed. As crazy as this sounds I'm somewhat relieved. He was rushing the relationship (and all my friends and family are telling me it was because he has no family of his own) and I just wasn't ready to be "his family". Plus, I'm not sure how I entirely feel being with someone that insecure.

I can say though in other relationships when things end I definately have felt vindictive and upset, so I do agree with what you have said James.

Ditto. That's exactly my brain in words. ;) The only real relationship I have been in, I ended myself and was relieved to do so, so I can't really give you personal opinion on it. The only example I can think of right now is my friend's relationship ending after almost 4 years. She's very vindictive and bitter, however he was an a-hole about it, so I see why.

This is EXACTLY why I ended my last relationship. Were we with the same guy???

Eh, I think it's based more on who's initiating the split, and not gender-specific.

I was freaking relieved and happy as hell when I broke up with my boyfriend of 5+ years, and he was the one who felt a little betrayed.

I recently experienced a betrayal. My boyfriend of 12 years just started a relationship with a mutual friend that treated me like a friend and i love her son...took him to parks and had. I felt like I wasn't worthy as a woman since it was all a big shock to me. The last month he has broken all communication with her. We are tying to get passed this but it is really hard. i recently wrote her a letter letting her know that I feel betrayed by her as well and she went beyond moral and ethical boundaries as a friend a mother etc... how painful this esperience has been and how it has affected both of us negatively etc... Should I send this to her or not? I'm not sure it would be appropriate or not. I guess i'm looking for advice or answers to feel better.

decided to take it slow huh? ;) (sorry, couldnt help it)

umm seriously, call me naive and idealistic, but if you two were friends like that and you with the guy for 12 years, im going to need you to not write her a letter. be a bigger woman and confront her head on. i mean she took your man! 12 years and you punk up behind a letter?

Was he your boyfriend while he was seeing her at the same time he was with you?:confused:

It sounds like he cheated on her with her close friend, but then again it sounds like they had already broken up. I'm just trying to figure out which one it is.

It sounds like she planned on stealing him from her all along without her knowing it. I'm surprised she didn't see any signs? I guess I would have to agree with you. Either way, I wouldn't write a letter either. It's not like it's going to change anything. 12 years is a long time, and I know it's easier said than done, but I would try and move on.

Your friend didn't steal your boyfriend. He left on his own. You can't make him stay. Write a letter to her? Why? That's pointless. You literally thought about wasting your time to write a pointless letter to a trifling low down slut who claimed to be your friend who cares nothing about you? Move on to newer and better things. There's a lot of good men out there, and you'll find one. Just whatever you do don't go back to that low down joker you were with for 12 years. He'll be back, and you'll probably take him back.:rolleyes: Most women make this stupid mistake, but if you do, all he's going to do is do it again. He's going to cheat on your friend too. Watch.

Good luck to you.

i know you meant well PB but dayum if i aint LOL... and why the friend gotta be all that for? lol

When we read about her shooting her friend we'll think back to your post ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7uLmEqeAk0:D

no one is saying she has to resort to violence. but writing a letter... would be ok if she stole your man... in high school. which is probably how long yall have been friends/dating.

even if you did confront her, theres nothing she could say that makes it right. get another best friend. get another boyfriend. thats what myspace is for.