Men and Women - Inherently Dysfunctional?
 

Lately, from all of my experiences and observations, I am beginning to wonder - is this the case? Or is it just that I am too young and the men I associate with have not matured enough to work through the issues that arise in a relationship? (Sorry to blame the men, but really...) It just seems to me that the women I know are willing to invest time and effort into relationships, whereas the men just seem more likely to bail.

Is the human race doomed? Somebody please offer some encouraging words... I'm awfully down about this right now!

Re: Men and Women - Inherently Dysfunctional?
 

I totally understand where you're coming from. People our age (early 20s) are usually sort of dysfunctional in the sense that they are still growing and learning the ropes of the world. Unfortunately we stick our hands in too many pots and our relationships suffer for it.
I'm not trying to rest the blame solely on you, because it takes two to tango and it takes TWO people to make a relationship work or fail. Maybe you should step back or enlist an objective friend to analyze your past few relationships. What is something you consistently do? Find a pattern. Then see if this pattern is healthy. It could even be the types of guys you choose that's a problem. I know lots of guys who have gone to great lengths to make a relationship work, while their girlfriend isn't contributing a darn thing.
It comes down to this: as much as we hate to admit it, at our age we are not ready for a serious long term commitment, but yet we're programmed to believe we are. This is our time to live, to experience, to experiment. If a relationship has lots of issues to work through, it generally means it's not meant to be. You will find that special someone. It could be tomorrow. It could be five years from now. When it happens, you'll realize all the heartache was worth it!

I took a class last semester that a part of it talked about issue between males and females.

I'm going to go with a YES on the inherently dysfuntional question. And my reason is.. men and women communicate in different ways and have different needs. (Different inherent needs) The reason men and women have issues is because of those different needs. Let me see if I can find this "cheat sheet" we got on the differences I mentioned. After reading it.. LOTS of things made a lot more sense to me.

Don't worry.. it is not just you!!!

:)

Re: Men and Women - Inherently Dysfunctional?
 

This may sound a little wierd coming from me but here goes:

After observing couples who have made thing work and stuck things out (my parents, other friends who are married, long term couples of 5+ years) I've realized something. Usually the couples who seem to be working, somebody in that relationship has given something up inorder to attain that "picture perfect" relationship. Either it was something along the lines of one of the two could have landed someone who looked a whole lot better but chose the one who would make the best long term companion OR one of the two had enough money to where the other puts up with the other's shit inorder to stay together and have a good life. Somehwere along the line somebody has to give something up. Thats why you don't see couples out there who are both hotties and who are both rich and actually last through 20+ yrs of marriage. I guess people fall into one of two categories, 1: those who want the 20+ years of togetherness and will do what it takes to achieve that or 2: Those who don't care about it enough and just go with the flow.

This idea may sound a little out there, but it's definitely not just the men who are more willing to bail than women. I, personally, know a lot of women who have bailed on men. I highly doubt one sex is more likely to bail than the other. I firmly believe its a commitment thing. I think there are people out there who feel trapped when a relationship hits a certain point and the only way to rid themselves of that feeling is to bail out. Seriously, think about....In each of our lives we've had someone talk that "crazy-pyscho" talk where the other person says they want to marry you or can't be with anyone else or blah blah blah blah blah. And, somewhere along the line you've been that crazy person too. Whether or not you actually said that crazy stuff or were thinking it is irrelevant. Fact is, it crossed your mind. And when that happens you/they start acting differently in the relationship....to the point where shit starts feeling too serious. And if both of you don't feel the same way...what happens? You break up.

What people need to understand is, take shit for what it is. Once you can learn to do that, your relationships will be so much better. You wont be stressing out over shit. You wont be checking up on them. You wont be second guessing yourself. You wont be trying to interpret the other's actions. You wont be reading too deep into what they do/say. Trust me, it'll be alot better.


Craig

Wow. I used to not like you, but after that post you've redeemed yourself.

Yes relationships are about sacrifice. But don't you think that in good relationships *both* parties must sacrifice something? Are you saying only person should or both? Too much sacrifice makes you bitter and unfulfilled. Too little means you're not putting yourself into it like you should. One sided relationships are baaaaad news.

Thanks for your comments, guys! I know I was being a little bitter in the original post, and I know I have been to blame for problems in some of my relationships (and, yeah, I've taken the easy way out and bailed on guys before too - maybe unfairly). I guess I just had a certain someone in mind and was overgeneralizing. I am having a good day today and just saying F**K IT in reference to him and the situation.

I do think there is some validity to my dysfunctional theory though... There is obviously a problem, which is depicted in many ways (i.e. divorce rates). Speaking of which, does anyone know about what "divorce" rates are for same-sex life partners? Maybe it's just that people are dysfunctional together, not just men and women.

Maybe I could get a grant from Harvard or something to research on male-female relations? (They could pay for all my going out - in the name of science...) :)

Re: Re: Men and Women - Inherently Dysfunctional?
 

See I think that is what causes me problems. I don't read into things guys say. I believe what they tell me. I don't ask for details.

Like with Navy boy.....I was like hey I'm kick ass maybe this dude does love me after a few weeks.....and I end up fucked and not in the good way.

Sometimes you HAVE to read into stuff a little deeper.

Re: Re: Re: Men and Women - Inherently Dysfunctional?
 

I agree with you, but I also really agree with Craig. See, my last relationship was the first one where I just took it for what it was - didn't think about the future, didn't read into it everytime he talked about it, etc... And it was great to be able to be so relaxed and to not feel like my happiness for the rest of my life hinged on what happened with this guy - to just enjoy him and what we had, you know? To think about him as my "current boyfriend" rather than a potential husband, or whatever.

Granted, things didn't work out and I am a little discouraged by that, but I am taking it better than when some past relationships have ended. Despite the fact that I was not planning a future, I did value his company and it's almost always sad when relationships change/come to an end, no matter whose choice it is or if it needed to happen.

Anyway, Craig knows his s**t, even if he doesn't always practice what he preaches! :)

Well, in most "good" relationships I think both parties should....but thats not always the case. In a sense I think both do, but usually one person ends up sacrificing more than the other. Thats just how things work.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Men and Women - Inherently Dysfunctional?
 

Hey, nobody is perfect. Just because you know what you should do doesnt mean that you'll do it.

I've just given up on guys. Fuck it, just party and go home alone.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Men and Women - Inherently Dysfunctional?
 

That's good. :)

Sounds good to me, except that going home alone part... it's just such a lonely way to wake up. :(

I know right, you get use to it.

Well, it's been a few weeks of a big empty bed for me, and it is getting easier - although I still miss him as I fall asleep and wake up. Maybe I don't miss him... maybe just the idea of him, of having somebody.

I hope I get used to it quick!!!

Well . . the problem is that we don't look at things in context.

Women are probably 6-10 years ahead of men when it comes to relationship ability.

If you look at the way boys and girls develop socially there are major differences.

In elementary school girls are already practicing getting along with each other. They do more group activities and tend to be less competitive with each other for control, at least within their social units.

Girls also play more cooperation oriented games and more games that seem domstic in nature. Such as playing house etc.

Boys really don't do stuff like that much.

I think what happens is that when girls start dating at 15-17 you start dating guys your own age that are years behind you in maturity. And we burn you . . . a lot.

When guys finally start catching up, probably late 20's early 30's you have been burned so many times you are gun shy.

Plus, until you hit your 30's or 40's you are probably still ahead of the guy emotionally, he is still learning about where you have already been. Must be frustrating.

A lot of relationships i see where the girl and the guy are about the same age usually has the girl in emotional control . . . and not always happy about it. A bit like parenting.

For some it goes away real quick....for others, it takes a LONG time. My advice, find a rebound...they never last but they sure help a lot.

I agree with James. Basically, that's what my sister has tried to tell me for years, only he said it better. :)

Perhaps people are just unrealistic about what to expect?

Think about this... most people have numerous relationships and only 1 (our expectation) leads to marriage. The divorce rate is 50%. Some marry a second time but that divorce rate is even higher.

My best friend relies on me for advice with men. The last time she called I asked her "Why do you think I'm an expert? I have never had a successful relationship!". (Bottom line, she knows I weed out the idiots quickly)

MOST relationships fail. Those that don't are a lot of work. The Cindarella story just isn't happening. Happily ever after is very rare!

Dee

Yeah, rebounds do help... I am on the prowl! :)

Okay, I know that so far I've been the happy bride-to-be... well here's where it all falls apart (and James goes "I told you so," but that's okay). I've come to realize lately just how important communication is in a relationship. JR will not talk about his problems, period. I have mounds of issues stemming from our past breakups that I've tried to resolve before we get married. What's his answer to everything? "Don't worry. It's all gonna be okay." I hate it when he says that. Using "it's all gonna be okay" is just a way of avoiding the issues at hand and having to deal with them. He just tells me I worry too much. I won't go into our particular issues, but if you knew what they were, you'd think I have every right to be concerned.

Are men and women inherently dysfunctional? Maybe. I just don't think that humans are cut out for monogamy. I knew that when I could openly admit to my maid of honor that I didn't want to lose my freedom, that I shouldn't be getting married. I'm still too wrapped up in myself to even think about another person. I'm not ready to give up everything I have here. Marrying JR means that I have to uproot myself from my hometown (that I love with all my heart), move in with his family temporarily (that I can't stand), and leave my grandmother behind. I'm just not ready to do it.

As for the difference in age vs. maturity... he's almost 25 and has not changed a bit since he was 20. If anything, I've at least discovered who I am and what I want. I think he's just afraid to be alone and won't let go of me. I'll admit that I hurt him in the past and he's told me "that's okay because I love you." SO not healthy and it's not fair to me to take advantage of that.

So anyway, yeah y'all are seeing a relationship fall apart right before your eyes... I still can't get the guts to confront him and call it off, even though I know it's what I need to do. But, I don't think that it's so much confronting him- it's confronting my family that'll be the hard part. Okay, end of my hijack....

No, things will not just be okay. Marriage solves absolutely nothing. Not knocking it, but ultimately it will create more problems than it will solve. The fact that he's unwilling to deal w/ them now tells me that he knows the relationship isn't functioning but he doesn't want to admit it now.
Just remember this adage: Better a broken engagement than a broken marriage.
And good luck.

You always have a way of making things so much easier to swallow. Thanks :)

I actually took my engagement ring off and put it back in the box a few minutes ago. I don't feel that odd without it on. I just hope he doesn't want it back. It's pretty :p