Engaged sorority sister acting as though she is single at the bar
 

I not sure where this thread would go but here is my deal

my roommate and sorority sister is engaged but yet she was out tonight with our male neighbor (who drove us to the bar tonight). She was holding hands, hugging, dancing, etc with this guy all night. I do not know if she kissed him, I was not around her all night but I feel as though she not be hanging out with this guy and she should tell him or let him know that she is engaged.

He fiance is the sweetest guy in the world and I really do not think he even knows that she goes out and flirts with different guys such as the hockey team every time she is at the bar.

I think she should act like she is engaged. I have no problem with someone who is engaged going out and dancing all night but when you are acting as though you are single and hanging on different guys then you should just make a decision if you want to stay engaged.

I just feel dissappointed that she is not being true to her fiance but it is her life.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I've seen many an engaged sister do what you've described.

Still, I feel that you should tell your sister your concerns, especially if she was drunk (or something like it) when she's flirting with these guys.

Hanging on to, kissing, holding hands or what not...is nothing to sleeping with someone, but that's just my opinion.

It could be because she knows she'll be married soon and she's testing the waters or whatever reason. I don't agree with it, but at least let her know that you don't think what she's doing is right...and let her go from there. Try not to sound judgemental or mean about it, just let her know how you feel and assure her that you'll be there for her if she ever needs someone to talk to just in case she needs to let it all out.

After all, you are her roommate and sister. :)

Still, whatever you do, it's not your place to tell her fiance, no matter the outcome...no matter how close you are to him.

Good luck!

I definately was not going to tell him. I'm not sure If I should talk to her because she is an adult and should decide for herself what's right and what's wrong.

Thanks for the advice. Right now I just don't want to get in the middle of it. Her fiance is also one of our roomates. So you see what could happen if he just decides to show up at the bar and surprise her.

I'll let you know if she decides to come to her senses.

Edited because I was thinking faster than I was typing

It's sweet that you're concerned, annice. But yes, she is a big girl. And no, you should not tell her man. Many people (guys and girls) who are about to get married get sort of cold feet and just want a reminder that they are attractive (to their mate as well as others). Since there wasn't kissing or "inappropriate touching" going on, I'd say it's fairly harmless. Some people are inherently a little more touchy feely than others. Plus, it was in a bar. As long as she is not getting seriously involved w/ another man in a physical or emotional way, I'd say it was just harmless.

I understand and appreciate your concern for your friend.

However, I think all you can do is let her no her bahvaiour is inappropriate. If you've done this, that's all you can do.
She's a big girl and you have to let her make her own decisions, even if they are the wrong ones.

It's definitly not your place to tell the fiance.

Basically I co-sign with what everyone else is saying.

Me, too. Just tell her that she might want to watch, just to make sure her fiance doesn't get the wrong idea.

Well I will chime in a say she's a silly little whore and he should know this before he gets married and divorced after she bangs the postman.

-Rudey

If he's one of your roomies why isn't he at the bar???

She's playing with fire if he could show up at any moment...whateva.

He does not go out that much he's kind of like to hang out at home or with his friends at our house. They seem like the perfect couple until she goes out and get flity. I just don't want to see her hurt.

I want to say something to her because everytime I come back from the bar I just feel a little dissappointed in her and lose a little respect for her. Other sisters will make comments like "Isn't she engaged?" "Who is that guy?" etc. She is one of my favorite sisters and mean the world to me. But I know I have to let her deal with this.

Easist thing to do to make her quit it for a little while: Next time she's all up on some guy go over and ask her how her fiancee is or have her show you her ring :p

I agree with Rudey. He needs to be told so he can kick that rubbish to the curve.

She would probably be all pissed off if he did that to her.

What a flake.

tell the boyfriend...who wants to be the guy who wifed the village bicycle?

not me.

Seriously, girls that act like that are two bit tramps, I like them and all . . but two bit tramps nonetheless.

Check it out, you don't have to "tell" him if you really think about it. Set her ass up. Go out to the bar one night and tell the dude that you'll call him later because you want him to come out (or some other bs like that). When she starts getting her whore on, call him up and be like come over and meet us or say something like "you have to come see this."

He comes, he sees, she is busted.

Hookeroni, what, what?

I am definitely going to say this within a week's time. It's too funny to pass up.

How do you "act like your engaged" - do you have to act like a wallflower who is totally boring and never have a fun time again?

I don't know the girl... maybe she is out of line. But honestly, I'm not going to judge the girl based off just your opinion and it's not really your place to either. Some girls are friendly and flirty, no big deal. As long as she and her fiancee don't have a problem with it - leave it alone. Hell, even if they do, it's their problem to deal with.

I am a friendly girl and may sometimes appear to be flirty, but that doesn't mean I am a cheater. Did you ever think of the fact that maybe she is considering the reality that she is going to be married soon and have to "act like she is married" and maybe she is just using this as a coping mechanism?

I'm sorry - I just hate when everyone thinks it's their right to judge people who act differently than they would, or think they should.

so would you be ok with your fiancee being all hugged up and holding hands with some other woman?

While it would be ideal to out this girl to her guy, I think it'd be extremely cruel to do so (in the ways our lovely GC males are suggesting) considering SHE'S HER FREAKING SORORITY SISTER!

Would you treat your own brother that way? I don't know, I just think that if I was the hookerish engaged girl in question I'd want it so that the situation was handled in a more discreet and less tacky way.

But that's just me.

and isn't that one of her roommates and friends? i'd want my friends to let me know if the chick i supposedly love is in actuality a skeezer.

When I found myself in a similar situation, I never questioned my LOYALTY to my sister.

Simply put, it's not her place to tell him. She first has to tell her so that at least she's mindful of what the eff is going on.

When I think of the words "skeezer" and "tramp", I think of a girl who probably lists "whoring around" as her hobby. I don't know, I re-read the original post and she didn't mention that. annice wasn't even sure if she kissed anyone.

I mean isht, I flirt with guys at the bar, and I'll bet $$$ that the boy flirts with girls at the club. Anything beyond that is wrong, and annice's friend is probably too drunk off her ass to know the difference.

If she pulled a Shaggy-"It Wasn't Me", then I say you guys would have grounds to say that she should do what you suggested. But for now, I think some of you guys are just being a wee bit judgmental considering you don't even know everything that's going on.

Is this a consistent pattern? If it is, maybe she is a bit skanky. If it was an isolated incident, let it go at that. Her fiance will definitely find out, one way or another.

I would assume that if we are engaged, I would know what his personality is like - and I wouldn't agree to be engaged unless I knew and loved his personality. So, if his personality entailed his being VERY friendly to other women, I would either be okay with it or would never have said "yes" in the first place. Really, it's all about trust to me - I would not be engaged to someone I can't trust. I don't think that someone being flirty and outgoing means they are not trustworthy and I wouldn't rule them out for just that.

If he all of a sudden started acting like that out of nowhere and it was out of character, I would not be okay with it though because I would see it as a sign of a problem.

Does this make any sense? It's kind of a convoluted post...

Apparently my sorority sister has not learned anything, she is still going around hanging all over guys while she's out. Now a lot of sister do not want to go out with her anymore myself included. I really want to tell her about her behavior, but I know that it will not make much different except for her getting made at me. One sister already talked to her about it and still no result because she was hanging all over some of the guys from my school's hockey team. I thought that maybe she had learned her lesson and felt bad about her actions, because during homecoming she was hanging on the president of a fraternity and flirting with him like crazy. So he kissed her and she felt all bad the next day. Another sister (her lil') told her that she should tell her fiance but she did not. All she kept saying was that her lil is too judgemental and she not judge her.

Last night we went to the bar and she was all over this guy (who use to date another sister and in a fraternity) instead of getting a ride with us she decided that she was going to go over to the guy's house. I'm not sure what time she actually got home. Now I cannot even really look at her because she really disgust me. I know that you're not suppose to judge anyone but she really needs to grow up and either tell her fiance she does not want to get married or stop acting the way she does at bars and parties.

Two weeks ago last Saturday a few sisters went to the bar and I had to leave early probably around 1:30a.m. to get ready for bed because I had work. So my newly initiated lil decided to stay at the bar and the sister in question was going to take care of her and make sure she got home. Yeah, right she did not want to leave the bar before our DD stoped running to get herself and two newly active sisters home. She left one newly active sister at the bar and walked my lil to a fraternity house trying to find a ride home, then proceed to walk her to another fraternity house to find a ride but decided to stay there instead. She did not even care about the fact that my lil wanted to go home.

My lil finally found a ride home from the fraternity's DD but the sister wanted to stay because she wanted to get flirty with one of the brothers. The only reason she got home was from another sister who was sober stopped by the fraternity's house to make sure two of our other sister's made sure they got home safely. The sober sister pretty much had to drag her out of the house because she was getting a neck massage from one of the brother's. I was mad because this is my lil who is newly active and you said that you would take care of her and make sure you made it home safely. Now my lil does not want to go out with her either. See I made the mistake of not talking to her about it the next day. Because I let if fester and now I am really mad at her.

Don't get me wrong I am not jealous nor are any of the sisters of her we're just disappointed and mad with her. We just feel bad for her fiance, because he is a really nice guy. She doesn't even tell any of these guys that she is engaged. Well I guess the old saying is correct nice guys finish last, especially in this case. Also, I am truly sick of worry about her and after last night I will not.

Sorry I know that this pretty long, thanks for letting me vent.

Edited because I forgot to add some additional information.

while I understand your frustration, your eally shouldn't be publicizing your chapter members drinking underage in a bar, etc.

Yeah I know I edited that out. Sorry :(

"You can give a slut a ring, but you can't stop her being a slut."

If it really bothers you and you don't want to tell the fiancee . . just cock block her.

You and the sisters that care just everyone when you are out that tshe is engaged. Gossip about it during the day to random Greeks.

It will get around fast and make it harder for her to get an audience to act the way she does.

i thought it you can't turn a hoe into a housewife.

i don't get it....if it's one of my friends....i'd snitch. warn her that you'll snitch unless she stops.

i agree....talk to her first, but with an ultimatum. sister, friend, whatever.....if my blood sister was doing this isht, i'd tell her fiance in a heart beat. wrong is wrong, no matter who it is.

I think you have two choices here:

1) accept her behavior and continue being her friend, or

2) stop being her friend if her behavior bothers you that much.

The thing is, although it's frustrating, it's really not your place to police her behavior or to report it to anyone. If it bothers you, don't hang around with her and tell her exactly why you're not hanging around with her any more if she asks.

For what its worth. If the genders were reversed, I would never break the Guy Code and tell a girl her Fiancee was being the little social butterfly.

Even if that girl was a friend. You just don't break the Guy-Code. ITs wrong.

Besides I would think the girl was a little slow-mentally if she was that out of step with the person she thought she was going to marry.

Oh God, no, do not tell her fiance!! She's your sorority sister so unless her fiance is your biological brother, it is in no way your place. The only people who know the ins and outs of their relationship are your sister and her future husband. Even if you were to find out that your sister were sleeping with other guys, its STILL not your place to say anything...its not YOUR relationship! (Although, you could always advise her to get tested so shes not passing anything on to her fiance..its only fair..)

It sucks to feel stuck in the middle, but if you said anything, then you'd REALLY be in the middle.

Pick one of the nighs where you guys are out . . and then have someone call the fiancee and invite him to meet you . . or better yet to give you guys a ride . . that way when he gets there he can see the way she acts . . .

A questions though. Shouldn't he realize she is like this? I mean thats an enormous misread for people about to be married.

Maybe he knows and doesn't care...or LIKES it.

While I agree that her irresponsible behavior regarding her sisters is an issue to the sorority, I don't see how her relationship with her fiance is anybody's business except his and hers.

I think if it really bothers you, you should talk to your friend. She might not see that her actions could hurt someone else.

However, I think is bs to "act like you are engaged". What does that mean? Once you have a ring, you can never talk to men again? A man in a bar can never buy you a drink? You can't dance with anyone who isn't your betrothed? Suspend the judgment of youth, you never know what might happen to you.

Guys - they're engaged to be married!?!? Married - like they are each others' decision makers in life, death, financial situations, etc. Do they have a wedding date picked out? Are these two people who should be starting a family - I don't mean with kids, but obviously they are on different pages when it comes to spending their free time.

It would seem that this guy doesn't go out to the club to flirt with other women and this girl makes a habit of flirting with other men. They are at a disconnect. I have a few friends engaged, from college and post-collgiate life and while I don't think there are 'engaged' behavior patterns, there are actions that a person who respects their relationship to another would not engage in. This guy trusts this girl - but does he know how touchy-feely she gets around others when drinking? Is his trust based on a full picture and understanding of her social behavior and how it makes others feel? And, on another note, this woman is not a very good friend or a sorority sister. Guy code - trust of sisters - if this guy is ready to stand in front of a priest, minister, rabbi, whatever and declare his heart, mind, finances, future, and health to this woman, he sure as better know how she might be during her bachlorette party.

I would not but my nose in if they were dating, even seriously dating. They are engaged - he took two months' of his salary or his savings or his family heirloom and gave it too her. If there is no progress, I would confront her finace with a co-ed group and ask him how comfortable he is with her social behavior. Why don't you talk to his friends and see what they think about her behavior?

Truer words...

dphies00--

Although I understand your sentiment and agree with most of it I do think that the ultimate responsibility for a maritial relationship is on the two who are to be married...

annice22--

Yes, you are this girl's sorority sister. Yes, you made a pledge to her to be real. Yes, her fiance is a friend and roommate of your group of friends.

So why did this "nice guy" ask this "floozie" to marry him? Obviously, he must of known she was the way she was before he asked her... Or is he that clueless? Whore smell can only be burnt off... Ain't no amount of Lysol gets rid of that smell. So to me, I have to agree with Valkayrie, your boy probably knows all about her bangin' the Hockey Team... Your boy might be setting gwirlfriend up for alter jilting... Or call the whole thing off... Don't discount your boy to fast now... He cain't be that stoopid... Can he?

Or there may be an "swinger" relationship going on that you and your sorority sisters ain't privy to know that information...

They may just like to "share" and "wife swap"...

True. This is more common than many people realize. Heck, maybe she's bringing guys home and they're sharing them.

If you feel she's doing things that are besmirching your sorority's reputation, bring her in front of standards board and terminate her. There's really nothing else you can do about it.