How much time single?
 

They say that being in a relationship actually slows maturity as an individual to some extent, and that we assimilate the most relationship lessons given significant gaps between long term steady relationships.

And generally you can tell when you talk to someone the difference between someone who has rarely been single versus someone who has spent a significant time alone developing.

So I was wondering Greek Chatters, counting from your first serious SO how much if your potential dating time has been totally single and in what blocks of time? And this would also not count time spent breaking up only to get back together again because you didn't really move on.

I know people that have been single only a matter of months from 16-22 . . and it shows.

ETA: Its kind of like you can tell who lived with their parents for a long time or who was the most dependant on that support. That has good and bad points.

When I was going through my divorce, I got involved with a good recovery group. One of the main principles was NOT to be involved with someone for two years after your divorce.

At first, I thought I'd die. But instead, I made good friends - of both sexes. I learned more about me, and how I react and mis-react. I am the better person for having waited and am engaged to a great guy now.

I could not recommend learning NOT to lean on someone of the opposite sex strongly enough!

i have dated for a total of ... 3 years 7 monts and im 21 (and 2 months) :shrugs:

I think it depends on the person ... I dont think ive had a problem developing as a person even while being with someone ... but who knows ...
<3

Honeychile...did you go thru "Divorcecare"? i did it thru my church and they say the same thing about the the time that should elapse. I think you should when you feel ready to and not some magical number of months yrs or so forth

Dated for a year
Single for a year
Dated for a year
Single for a month
Dated for six months
Single for two months
Dated for five months
Single for eight months
Dated for a year
Single for four months

No, my group was Fresh Start, Inc. but I did do it through a church.

They stress that a timer doesn't go on or off as to when it's time, but the statistics show that people who remarry within 2 years have a much great (85%) chance of divorcing again. Actually, I waited two years from when I filed, instead of when my divorce was final - and it was time well spent.

Personally, if you don't know who you are by yourself, how will you know anyone else AND yourself if you are in a relationship.

I may have been single and lonely without a "firm" relationship. But I dated, sporadically between my times... I call those flings. Flingin' it lasts for about 4-6 months sometimes a year. Then they become "cyclical relationships" that never amount to anything 'cuz the premise was to fulfill a need--ususally one that is physical, rather than self-soul-searching and reflection on oneself... IMO, it is rare a "fling" ever turns into a more meaningful relationship. I guess it's just the difference between how folks view relationships...

So I guess that's why folks say when a pertinent relationship ends, how can those persons learn from that relationship to move forward?

My last major relationship ended a little over 2 years ago. I have been single ever since. I have been a few dates here and there, but nothing serious. And no, I don't live at home. In fact I just moved into a place by myself. This should be interesting.

Again, I repeat, I would not date any of you.

-Rudey
--Except AKA_Monet.

Hmm... I'm one of those hardly single people, my first serious realtionship started when I was 17.

I guess I should be offended, but I'm not, since I keep finding people who I like, and like me.

Re: How much time single?
 

Who is they?

I've been single for 4 years now. At first I was okay, but now I'm just down right getting sick of it. :mad:

I didn't have boyfriends until after college so I must be very developed and mature. :)

Eh, Rudey, Whassup wit 'cho game, these dayz? ;)

Line 'em up and rack 'em, 'cuz you gonna havta "domino" out my husband first... :p :D

i do agree with james a lot here. i think that a woman needs to know herself as a person before she can learn to identify herself with a man. at least for me, i know who i am as a woman. i know what i like and don't like and i feel that gives me an upper hand when it comes to getting into a relationship.
all this being said, i do think it's important to experiement with relationships as well. that's a great way to learn what you like/need in a relationship. but don't overdo it.
that's just my two cents.

shelley j
sigma k

been single for the longest time. never been married. the longest time I have dated someone was 4 years.

A relationship therapist would probably have a field day with me. I have not been totally single since prior to February 1988...before that I was kind of the typical high school gal drifting from boy to boy, nothing serious. But when I started dating my ex it got serious very quickly. We were going strong for a little over 2 years, when I started to get a bit restless. My ex was pretty much a psycho and I was very dependent upon him emotionally because he really was my best friend....almost like having a cool gay guy to hang out with (actually, if he had been gay he would have been perfect....he'd still be my best girlfriend!) I started going out with someone else behind his back who had no real boyfriend potential in my eyes but with whom I shared a tremendous physical connection. After that I tried to break up with my ex but he wouldn't go....it just got easier to let him think he was still around. So I was still involved with him throughout my first two years of college even though we both hung out with other people as well. He got to the point where he refused to see other girls, no matter what I was doing, and pressed the issue of a serious future. But I just kept on dating other people and actually got to the point where I pretty much abused the arrangement. Fortunately, he transferred to school on the other end of the country, and I was able to really branch out and meet people without having to worry about him. That was when my husband and I began dating, and I finally called my ex and told him I was in love with someone else. Even then he didn't totally leave me alone until after I had been married for about a year! It sounds pretty cold and heartless on my side but I didn't want to make a post that took up three pages, so I just cut to the point. But this guy was a frightening type of psycho, like a major stalker type, and I did what was necessary to have a life. I don't know what I would do with myself if I were suddenly on my own now!

I've been 'dating'/in relationships for 6 years and I'd say only a solid year of that has been spent attatched (total, not on one single guy). I believe James' statement is true.

I have to agree with James as well..........

The longest I've dated a guy was just about a year. I've been fully single for a little more than a year now.

Not sure how we're defining "serious relationship" but I've never lived with any guy and I never got to seriously thinking I could be married to anyone.

Re: Re: How much time single?
 

They is James. :p

Dated for six months and did the stupid on/off thing for six months
Dated for a month and did the stupid on/off thing for six months WHILE doing the on/off thing with the other one two
Single for a year
Dated for a year
Single for two days (meep!)
Dated for eighteen months
Single from then until the present

I wouldn't really call this a single time for me since a lot of it has been spent grieving, but taking my single year as a high school junior was a really good idea on my part.

I really don't think relationships stunts an individual's growth. Maybe only for those who identify themself through the person they're dating but people who do that have more problems than maturity stunted by a relationship. ;) I would also like to know who "they" is. cough*James*cough
When you think about it, it was only really our generation that people wait until they are 25-35 to get married. People were getting married at 18 years old. I know that my grandmother was married at 18 and my grandfather was her one serious relationship. They've been married for over 50 years and I wouldn't call them "immature" or say that a relationship stunted their growth as a person.
Anyway, I have spent much of my time single. It's only been recently that I've had a long term relationship. Let's see my relationship list:
Dated for 1 month
Single for 8 months
Dated 3 months
Single 1 year
Dated 1 year
Single 14 months
Dated 3 years and still presently in this relationship

Hmmm.....I've hardly been single.

Dated for 2 years to M
Single for 2 weeks
Currently dating D for 2 1/2 years

So..I haven't really been single since I was 15 (when I turned 16 I was dating M) and now I'm 20! :eek:

Hmm... well, I didn't start dating until I was almost 18 (I'm 24 now), but let's see...

Dated M for a few months,
single about 2 months
Dated A for a few months,
single about 6 months
Dated J for almost a year
single for about 4 months
Dated a LOT of people, but none serious for about two years
Dated N for 8 months
Did on/off thing with N for another 6 months
Single for about 6 months
met, dated, and became engaged to the final Mr. Ginger!

So thats... about a year and a half single out of 6 years... not counting the two year casual dating stretch.

I agree with James that being in a relationship too much can stunt your personal development.

But I also think that not being in a relationship enough can stunt your "interpersonal development." Like everything else in life, the key is balance.

you said it sugar! i feel i need to date a bit more to help me develop my interpersonal skills. i admit i haven't dated much and i should get some more experience. my longest relationship (not by choice) was only 3 months.

shelley j
sigma k

OK, so there's still hope for me?

Since college:
Dated for 3 months, broke up, started "talking" again for 2 months
Single for 2 years, but went on two dates with a guy
Dated for 3 months
Single for 1 year
Dated for 3 months
Single since December

For some reason, I can't get past the 3 month point.... The first guy broke up with me on our 3 month anniversary, and that's my longest relationship.

There's still hope. :)
There was a point in my life where I honestly thought I was going to wind up being a cat lady. Except I'm allergic to cats.... I was way too picky. I didn't want any of the guys that were great to me and only wanted the guys who were emotionally unavailable. I could've written an episode for Sex and the City with some of the things I went through during my single days. :rolleyes: I think the problem I had was that I was looking at my parents' relationship which is so stable and happy. They were married at 22 after meeting during their freshman year in college. I was a sophomore in college and I was freaking out because I just couldn't find a decent guy. I guess I learned that a relationship will happen eventually and to not worry about feeling like your "prime" years are almost over. I learned not to start worrying about that until I'm like 45 and still haven't found someone. :)
But, currently, I'm happy with the guy I'm with.

Yep this is me. I've been single for way too long. However, I'm mostly cool with it.

Was with my college sweetheart from Feb 86 till November 88. Heart breaking break up. Didn't date (or anything else) for a little over 2 years.

From 1990-November 1997. Hurt finally settled in 1990. I just did casual dating, nothing serious at all

From November 97-met my husband, we dated a little over 4 years and got married in December 2001

yeah, i've been single since august. i've been trying to find a guy, but i just keep getting frustrated with the whole dating scene. i'm ready to just become a bonafied lesbian. lol, j/k

shelley j
sigma k

You could be a nun... That's my next step... converting to Catholicism!

no, i've just been getting d*cked around by some guys lately. i have been putting myself out there for them and get hurt. it's tough cuz that's my personality is to help and put myself out for people, but i'm thinking that needs to change a bit cuz all it's doing is getting me hurt.

shelley j
sigma k

Since I got into my first long relationship at the age of 13 (a year and a half), I've gone from one long relationship to another... I haven't been single for more than a month or so... I can see now how this is becoming a problem for me, but that's a personal issue. This is just my input in the discussion.

at least you're recognizing that and if you choose to, you can change it.

shelley j
sigma k

bump

Well I am going on 4 years of being single and I am sick of being single. Here's my timeline:

Dated 3 years with same guy
Single for a year and a half
Dated 3 months with another guy and broke up because he was emotionally and physically abusive

I guess the 4 years of being single helped me heal from the 3 month abusive relationship because I really poured a lot of myself into that relationship. I was emotionally dependent on the guy because he made sure I was. He would actually keep up with me (i.e. make sure I wasn't hanging out with friends or drinking or dating other people). He would call people I knew and ask them what I was up to because he didn't trust what I told him. He didn't want me to hang out with MY friends because they were "evil" and he didn't choose them for me. The only people good enough for me to be around were his friends or those he thought I should be around. Of course, drinking alcohol was pure evilness. Apparently, I was corrupted when I met him and he was out to bring the demons out of me. :rolleyes:

Now that I know what I want, I want a real man, dang it! No nerds. No geeks. Oh I know who I want! :D Joe Walsh! :p

I have been single my entire life minus 4 months. It's quite sad in a way, but at the same time, I've had much more time to think about me and what sort of person I want to be when I finally am with someone. So the next guy I'm involved with will be in for a treat b/c he'll be getting someone who is able to actually bring something to the table...I'll be bringing me. You can't give yourself to someone if you don't know where you are (in life). Nor can you give someone your heart if you don't what's in there. So I think the next guy I have a relationship with is in for a real treat. But it'll be awhile, I've still got some searching to do, I'm not entirely together yet.

Way to bump your own thread, James. ;)

I'm not gonna include high school, cause that just doesn't count for me... It wasn't anything important.

This started October freshman year of college (I was 19).

Dated J1 for 2 1/2 years

Single for about 3 weeks

Rebound relationship with J2 for 4 months

Single for about a month and a half

Dated G for a year

Spent the next 6 months in a very painful and worthless on-again off-again with G

Finally said good-bye to G and have been single ever since..... 2 years since the first break-up with G... about a year and a half since FINALLY getting rid of him

2 or 3 mild heart aches since then.

Single, single, single!!!!!! (Wishing I could find more guys who are actually worth my time.) James, you have listened to enough of my relationship stories to know exactly what I mean!! Hahaha. :)

why not...
 

Single for 18 years
dated for three months
dated for three months (yeeah, broke up with the hs bf because I met my 1st college bf)
single for seven months
dated for three months
single for two years (but had a lot of fun during that time)
dated then married for almost five years

My longest relationship was/is with my now husband. If the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere, I figured why waste my time on it?

i'm right there with you isukappa. i'mi n the longest relationship of my life right now and we've only been together about 5 months. i'm still with him b/c i actually love him and see a future with him. other guys i've dated were just for fun.

let's see:
freshman yr. college dated one guy very casually for about 4 months.
didn't date sophmore year or junior year (just got around a lot)
senior year i dated a guy for about 3 months.
the year after i graduated, i dated another guy for about three months again.
then until march of this year i hadn't dated anyone. so for nearly three years i didn't date.

shelley j
sigma k