Wedding gifts
 

I thought I'd throw this question out for debate -

What's the "going rate" for a wedding gift in your area these days? What would you say is the dollar amount where if you spend less on a gift, you come across as cheap? Is it different for a first vs. second wedding? Is it most common to give cash, a gift from the registry, or a gift that's not on the registry but is unique in some way? Or a hand-made gift?

I've been thinking about this because my husband and I have been invited to three weddings this summer. We're inclined to be generous, especially since my husband will be in one of the weddings. I don't think any of the couples are registered (I need to double check) so I'm inclined to find a unique gift rather than giving cash.

Everybody my age usually spends around $50ish, and I think most of the parents spend in the $100 range. When younger couples I know get married, I put together sort of a "care package" off of their wedding registry - I'll buy them one of their hampers or laundry baskets and fill it with all the little things they need for their kitchen or bathroom or something like that - because normally most wedding guests look at the big ticket items, when no doubt they'd rather have handtowels and kitchen tools than a crockpot.

One great gift I saw was a winerack filled with a bottle from the years the bride and groom were met, the year they got engaged, etc. Very cute and thoughful.

I usually get a gift worth between $50 - $70. The registry is the way to go, especially since items are often on sale and you can get a $120 place setting for $70.

I think it depends on a few things, such the age of the person giving the gift and how well you know the couple.

My parents are old (my parents are the same age as my husband's grandparents) and they tend to be cheap. Like $25 or $30 on a gift. They did, however, spend about $50 on a gift for my best friend from when we were like 5. They thought that was too much.

We went to a friend's wedding (the type of friend you see once or twice a year, maybe?) back in September and we spent about $40. No shower gift (weren't invited).

My previously mentioned best friend - I spent $50 on her shower gift and $50 on her wedding gift. Similar rates for another friend who got married in June...and I was in her wedding.

Ok. This is from my personal experience of getting married in 2002 and having at least 10 friends get married in the past 3 years.

Here, most people my age (25) give gifts in the $25-50 range. Older folks and parents tend to give $50-100.

It depends on how well you know the couple. If they are a friend, I spend the higher of the range. If they are just work, school, or church acquaintances (sp?), then I usually spend the lower amount.

As for the registry issue: most people around here try and ask if you are registered. If you are, then 90% of the guests give off the registry. If you aren't then you get whatever people feel like giving you. (That also opens people up to getting a lot of recycled gifts, though...)

i say between $50 to $75 and if they are close friends i say between $50 to $100

I'm with cutiepatootie. But, if the couple is registered, I'd go with something from the registry. I know that I'd prefer to get a single spoon in our pattern than a "charming" mailbox with our married names on it.

Another great idea is to buy a nice basket (I usually go to the home depts of stores like Ross or TJ Maxx - then you can get a really nice basket for $10 or less) and then buy some nice ribbon in a color that matches their home. I usually then buy a lot of the towels and roll them up, tying with pieces of the same ribbon. You can also get other kitchen/bathroom stuff and wrap them in tulle and the ribbon. So you end up with a beautiful basket they can use again and all the little stuff.

This is probably best for a shower gift, not really formal enough presentation for the wedding.

Another great option if you're crafty but a little broke is to take those great sorority skills and make a photo album for the couple. Just get more formal fabrics than you would for little sister projects. For a friend that got married several years ago, I took burgundy satin and really nice beige lace (wedding colors were burgundy and beige) and satin flowers and made a really nice, professional looking album for her. Don't do this unless you can do a nice job though - it would be embarrassing to hand someone a pile of wrinkled fabric and glue gun marks. For my best friend's wedding, I gave her an album the morning of the wedding, it had some calligraphy I'd done with poems and quotes about marriage, photos of the couple, funny stories about them, and (best of all!) letters of good wishes from her friends and family that I had collected. She was really touched.

Can't you just give them cash? Like a hundred or so dollars and call it a day?

I like to exceed the cost of my dinner . . . .

I aim to spend $100 as a gift - always from the registry. If they don't have a registry I'll give cash. No point buying something they could hate. I'll guess on a shower gift, but not the wedding gift.

Currently it's $100 for me and my guest (as a pair). Once I graduate I'll probably up that to at least $150 or $200. Of course, depending on the couple. If you're having a huge wedding with your 300 closest rich relatives, I may be less inclinded to give a lot.

If I'm in a wedding, I'm less inclined to buy a gift. For people that I don't really feel that close to, and I think I was invited just to give them a gift, I give them a card at the wedding, and a nice first anniv gift/wedding gift. I am firm believer in the 1yr rule when I don't know the couple well enough to know if they'll stick together or not.

In terms of registry, I use it for family members, b/c I don't always know their personalities. For friends, I generally know what they want/need/will use. One friend in particular had only registered for flatwear b/c her mom made her, but my pal has NO interest in it, so I got her something naughty from Vicky's Secret.

If you think you were invited just for your gift, and you don't know the people that well, then you should just not go. IMO, going and getting a really nice FREE meal and entertainment for an evening is just as bad as inviting someone just for the gift. Heck, if they invited you, they at least shelled out some bucks in return to pay for your butt.

There is no 1 yr rule.... that's just an excuse for people who can't be bothered to get a gift together Traditionally, you're not even supposed to bring the gift to the wedding, you're supposed to have it sent to the bride's house (or parents' house) before the wedding. I know there's a thread on this stuff somewhere.

As for money, it really does depend on who it is. I was in college when my cousin got married, we're not close at all, and I was a broke college kid, so I spent about $25. Keep in mind that my parents did give a nice gift. Two of my close friends are getting married in the next year or so, and I'll definately spend more on them. When you're younger though, a non-bridezilla should understand you don't have the bucks. My friend Lisa is getting married in St. Croix, so if I go, not only do I have to pay for a wedding (and shower) gift, but for the trip itself. She totally understands that her friends don't have much money, and make sure to put inexpensive stuff on her registry (which we had to fight with her to even make- she thinks its tacky (as do I), but she has every kitchen gadget under the sun and no one had any idea what to get her).

One way to address costs...
 

If the couples have registered china, find out the maker and pattern then call Barron's. they are usually MUCH cheaper than even "sale" prices in department stores. I also check out ebay. I once got a HUGE vase in a Lenox china pattern (over $200 in the store) for $70 new in the package....
Silver

I'm with cutiepatootie in terms of dollar amount. I also always go off the registry rather than giving cash because I think it's more fun to open gifts, and also if you give cash, it will probably go towards bills rather than buying stuff they need (although bills are important, too).

OUCH!!!!

My dad's sister waited 15 years before coming up with a wedding present, because she didn't think they would make it. My brother & I grew up knowing that my dad's family disapproved of my mama (she's a Baptist, they were Lutheran). Now, we have to be forced to have any contact with them.

Re: One way to address costs...
 

Doesn't Ross-Simon's do the same thing?

Living so close to the Lenox factory, I just love it when friends opt for Lenox! :) Just remember to let the Registries know what you've bought, though!

This is a great thread. One of my best friends is getting married in June and I was wondering how much I should gover her.
I'm giving her cash because she really doesn't need any household items. Her and her fiance have been cohabitating for almost 2 years now so they've already collected the household items that they need.
But I wan't sure how much cash to give. I don't have a lot of money, but I don't want to seem cheap either.

that's exactly what i think.. two of my closest friends from school both got married last year. i gave them gifts off their registry of around $100 for the wedding, as well as getting them engagement and shower gifts. when my sister got married last summer, i spent a bit more on her gifts.

wow - this thread just made me realize how expensive Brooklyn weddings are. As a poor college student I spend around $75. When I have real job I would expect to spend at least 100-125. A bit more if its a close friend and also a bit more if I come with a guest. For showers I usually spend around $50.

Areas
 

I think the area of the country makes a difference, too. A nice silver or silverplate frame is considered a gift in good taste here in my area of TN.

Weddings vary so much. Mr. Silver and I renewed our vows with a full-blown wedding for 100 people this past summer. I even bought most of the dresses for the bridesmaids, etc. and the whole thing was $2,000 including the flowers, reception, a huge photography package with 4 albums and gift photo for each family who attended, and the dresses for almost everyone.

Silver

I also think registry is tacky. Does anyone else? Although I am not sure why I do . . .

ITs basically just a way for a department store to clean-up.

This should probably be its own thread, but I went to a shower once where the four bridesmaids gave the bride a washer & dryer!! Even divided by four, that was a LOT of money for a shower present, IMHO!

My mom is very anti-registry. I don't particularly care for it either, but I don't have the animosity towards it that she does. I think my distaste for it has something to do with this idea that you are asking for gifts (which, really, no one is obligated to give although its a very thoughtful and generous thing to do.). The Greek custom is not to register, because most first-generation Greek families will give cash as a gift.

I registered over my mom's objections because that's the custom of my husband's family and friends. I have no complaints--we received beautiful gifts that are treasured mementos of our wedding.

Depending on who is getting married, I usually purchase something off the registry (like a place setting of china) or give money. We usually end up in the $100-$200 dollar range.

I think that while registries can seem like you're fishing for gifts...it also is very very helpful to the guests. No one wants to get a duplicate or a pattern/color the couple hates.

Plus nowadays, people have often lived on their own for a while and might have certain things...it's no longer the bride getting married at 18 straight out of her parents house and having NOTHING so that pretty much anything you got was fine.

For example, if the time ever comes for me :) I have my mom's china and my grandma's silver. I would hate for people to purchase those things when I don't need them.

Being that I don't know too many people my age who have gotten married, I haven't had to figure out how much to spend on wedding presents. My sister, who had 2 of her best friends marry within a 6 month time frame, spends about $250 or so...but then again, those were local weddings, so there were no travel costs.

Thanks for the info! :)

It seems that weddings in the Northeast US usually call for a more expensive gift. I think average for my wedding was around $150, and that was five years ago. We got some very generous gifts, and then we got gifts where it was obvious that the giver didn't put much time, effort, or money into it. But you get that with any event that calls for gifts.

I'm in favor of registries. We picked out china and silver patterns and registered for place settings and some serving pieces. I don't look at it as "asking for gifts" so much as "if you want to give us a gift, here are some things we'd like". We made sure to choose a wide range of items in terms of cost, since we had a number of poor starving grad students among our guests. Each of our guests gave something, and we totally understood when our poor starving grad student friends didn't give much - the important thing is that they were there on our special day.

What I don't like is when a couple includes those little slips of paper in their wedding invitations that say where they're registered. TACKY. A guest should call the couple or their families and ask if they're so inclined.

I completely agree - shame on the stores that hand out business cards that announce where you're registered! When I got married, I included gifts from $5 to around $200 - mostly on the low end (with the exception of china & silver). I also got a chance to suggest colors, so that I didn't end up with any *shudder* orange towels or such. Oh, and I'm using the singular since "that man" is out of my life now!

i have $50 weddings and $100 weddings. once i spent more than that, but she is one of my closest friends...and i was in the wedding. anyway, i prefer to give money for the wedding, but depending on what they have on the registry, i may pick something off the registry. ultimately, i use the registry for the shower. i really try to give a gift that is 1 1/2 times what they paid for my dinner. i certainly don't call up the bride and ask, but i try to guess based on where it is being held and how old they are. there was only one wedding that i am POSITIVE i didn't meet this expectation, and to this day i am embarassed. it was my first 6 months out of school and i had a very low paying job, plus, her father was this well respected surgeon, as if i had a chance to give a good enough gift! i am sure that some of their other guests more than made up for it!

since i live far away from most of my college friends, i tend to not get invited to their showers, bacholarette parties, etc. i do end up making it up in travel and hotel costs!

Why is that? IMO, being a bridesmaid shouldn't absolve someone from buying a present, simply because they spent money on a dress, travel, etc. Even if its a smaller gift because of the other expenses incurred, I think its gracious to give something to the couple as a gesture of good wishes.

When I was in a wedding last year, I spent about $200 on the dress and shoes. I gave her a $25 gift card as a shower gift, bought drinks for the shower and my FI and I bought her a place setting of china as a wedding gift.

Down here, cash is a big no-no. In general, I'll spend about $50 on a gift, more if I'm close to the person. The average wedding in NOLA probably runs about 35pp, so I feel like a $50 gift is fair.

I'm going to be in the wedding of my friend since sixth grade next year, and I am definitely still going to get a gift - I would never dream of not getting them something! However, I am probably going to crochet them a blanket instead of buying a gift; it's relatively inexpensive but it will mean a lot more to them.

I think it's okay to ask the bride and groom if there is anything in particular that they need.
I asked my friend (and she has been a close friend for 13 years now) what she needed and she told me nothing. I'd have to say she's right though. Her and her husband already have a house and household items that one might buy as a wedding gift. They have lived together for almost 2 years now and over that time they have received the things they need. They have received gifts as christmas presents, birthday presents, or they have purchased the items themselevs. I'm not going to buy something they already have. Therefore I don't see the harm in asking if there is anything they need. I've decided that $100 dollars cash is a good gift (I'd probably give more if I could afford it but I can't).

Mr. Bunny and I are hoping to get the essentials more than anything else. Yeah, that quesadilla maker may be pretty cool, but we need sheets, towels, and something to iron with. I know that my dad and his gf are going out of their way to make sure that we have the dishes, pots & pans, and bedding accessories that we need. My mom, on the other hand, is hoping we get the crystal and china on the registry. I really don't plan on serving Christmas dinner for a bunch of people for a few more years, so that can wait. Our pattern is a classic. Hopefully it won't be discontinued anytime soon!

btw: we're registered at hecht's and target if anyone's feeling generous enough to actually purchase that quesadilla maker.... :p

weddings in new york easily cost $100-125 per person. and that's on the moderate side.

for the shower i give a 50-75 dollar gift from the registry. for the wedding i give 100 dollars or 150-200 if i'm taking a guest. more for my closest friends though. if i'm not buying from the registry, i refuse to make up a "charming and delightful" gift that is probably neither charming or delightful for the couple. it's like getting 4 baskets of bath and body works crap at christmas. you don't want any of them and the baskets themselves are a waste and you're stuck with the smelly junk for the next 10 years. don't make your own present. use the registry or give a check

for whoever said to just give a card and then send a present a year later...tacky. you can't go to a wedding and not give anything. talk about cheap.

and bridesmaids absolutely still have to give a gift. even if it's small.

F*^& the quesadilla maker....give an ANVIL LOPPER!!!!

How much I spend on a wedding gift really depends for me. I try to look at all the factors - ie., shower, bacholorette party, actual wedding, how well I know the couple. All the weddings that I've gone to for my sorority sisters in the past few years - we're all pretty recent graduates so getting married just seems to be in the water (unless you're me and single), so life is starting to get pretty pricy.
Most of my friends have all been registered somewhere - Target, younkers, Crate & Barrel, Bed, Bath & Beyond, marshalls - so I generally go off the lists just because I figure it's stuff that they want and need. One of my good friends is very adamently against the lists, she gets most of the couples a nicely engraved 8 X 10 silver picture frame or a vase. I generally spend low end $25 all the way up to around $75. And by that I mean per gift - so if I go to the shower and the wedding I spend at least $25 per gift. I've only ever brought a guest to one of the weddings and I factored in for that when I purchased that respective gift.

I've also been told that you should try to spend as much on a gift as you think the couple is spending on you for dinner, etc.

I'm in my best friend from college's wedding in September. I was so honored to be asked at first but now it's becoming a hassle. She expected us to have the shower (in July) planned by Christmas... wasn't happening.

Last night I got a call from her MOH asking me for a check for $200 to cover the shower and the LIMO?!?! I never agreed to pay for the limo, the MOH was going to get it (she works at a funeral parlor and was going to get it from there, but something about that's illegal or something, so she told the bride she would take care of it and pay for it herself) and this completely caught me off guard.

What should I do? I spent close to $200 on the dress, shoes, alterations, etc. Plus I live 200+ miles away and have to drive there for the shower and wedding and take a couple of days off work. I don't want to complain to the bride, she has a very short temper and will tell me off, plus I don't want her to stress over something kinda petty, but I don't think this is right.

So for the gift, is it ok to give something small? Or will that offend the bride?

Question:

My cousin is getting married tomorrow. I did not get an invitation, but I guess I was covered under the "Mr. & Mrs. Pom & Family" invitation that was sent to my parents because I saw her a couple of weeks ago and she asked if I was coming. I don't live at home, haven't for more than a year, and was offended because my younger sister, who is married, got her own invitation.

Do I buy a gift? I want to but I'm so mad that people still include me in my parents' invites but my sister gets her own just because she's married. I also did not receive my own invitation to the shower but again was included on the one to my mom. I could not attend anyway and did not send a gift.

Thanks!

I agree that that was quite rude of her! Any etiquette book for will tell you that. If you were in college or something,maybe that would be okay (i'm sorry, I don't remember if you're still in undergrad or not!)... maybe! But that's very rude.

My family and family friends have finally started sending me things to my own address. I think it can be hard when it's a college kid changing addresses twice a year. But for something like a wedding invitation, a simple phone call could be made to find out your address.

Perhaps you can go in on your parents' present to her? Or may I suggest buying her a copy of Emily Post's Etiquette Book? ;)

shake it off...go, bring a gift and try to have fun.
you'll make more of a point by your prescense.