Would you date someone with a "mental condition"?
 

Would you date someone with a psychological or neuroligical condition?

I don't think I would date someone who schizophrenia, bi-polar, or someone with a personality disorder.

Maybe I would date a guy w/ OCD or ADD. It depends what form and how severe it is and how much control he has over it.

I would. But it would all depend on his condition and how severe it was. Was he on medication and was it well controlled. All these would be a factor. I wouldn't date him if I thought his condition was a danger to myself.

I agree. I've met many people who think that they are normal, but I've never actually known anyone to truly be normal. I'd rather date a woman with her problems up front, and reasonably under control.

This is a really interesting topic (Dionysus always comes up with good stuff :))

Schizo? No. That could pose a danger to my safety, if they're suffering from hallucinations and living in a reality that doesn't exist. Tourette's? No, and only because Tourette's is usually not controlled very well, even with meds.

I don't consider myself judgemental, and I definitely agree that everyone has their "weirdness" about them...all I will say is that I seriously dated someone who was depressed, and based on that I can't EVER imagine dating someone with a worse mental condition. Don't forget that depression is an illness, too.

The last guy I seriously dated was bipolar and while it was only for a few weeks, I would not do it again. He chose not to take medication and thought he was fine. I only saw him in the "up' stage but it was crazy. He should have been on the meds.

Now he also had a problem that if you disagreed with him ON ANYTHING he took it all personally and thought you were insulting him and insinuating that he was stupid.

And, thought I should take him out all the time and spend money on him (since he was unemployed).

So, he had more than a few issues...........

Re: Would you date someone with a "mental condition"?
 

As an individual diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression I really do not like the idea of this post. I understand it is your opinion and you should be welcome to that, but please remember we are no different than anyone else. To me this is like starting a post that says would you date someone who is black or white, depending on your race. I do take medication and have control over my disorders-- but please remember that mental illness is now waaaayyyy more accepted than it has been in the past. So do not stereotype us and make it even harder to break out of the negative stigma mental illness has carried with it in the past.

Re: Re: Would you date someone with a "mental condition"?
 

I understand your feelings, and I hope I didn't offend you with my post.

But I don't think she was grouping all people with mental illnesses together- hence the discussion.

I don't really think you can compare the state of someone with GAD or mild depression, vs. someone who is, say, violently schizophrenic....I don't know, I'm not trying to sound ignorant or make light of your medical condition, I just think that there are major differences that would change the route of the relationship.

I completely understand what you are saying and what you all mean. But the first sentence in the post-

"Would you date someone with a psychological or neuroligical condition?"

applies to all individuals with a psychological or neurological condition.

I know I am not as severe as some of the other disorders, but someone has to start to make a difference somewhere by protecting all individuals who suffer by no choice of their own.

Drug Addicts
 

Some may consider this to be a mental illness. I dated one drug addict, and that was one too many. Never, ever again. Get successfully treated before we even go out for coffee. Also, my father was a cocaine addict, so I have a real difficult time forgiving and tolerating drug addicts in denial.

Re: Drug Addicts
 

I feel the same way about alcoholics. A close family member (not either one of my parents) is one and if I see ANYTHING resembling that type of behavior I won't give the person a chance.

Speaking from the point of view who has had major issues with depression and anxiety disorders herself . . .

It almost entirely depends on how controlled they are. I have bipolar friends who you would never know weren't 100% healthy, and I have bipolar friends who can be borderline psychotic. I would never ever knowingly start dating someone with a serious problem, even if it's "just" depression or "just" anxiety, because I know I could never deal with some of the isht I've put people through at my worst. Depression and anxiety problems, if left uncontrolled, can be just as bad if not worse than some of the supposedly more serious problems like bipolar disorder.

The problem is that many people who deal with issues like this are pretty good at covering it up. The chances that you're going to know someone is bipolar or whatever before you become close to them are generally relatively slim. And I don't think that if I started to care for someone I could ever break up with them just because I found out they had some kind of "mental condition," even if I knew it would save me a ton of pain and work in the end.

Yeah because i think they're easier.

-Rudey

Shame on you.

But it is true. Very true.

Re: Re: Would you date someone with a "mental condition"?
 

I have both ADD and mild anxiety disorder. :)

So, I'm not judging anyone. However, I do know that things like this can effect relationships and I do think this is a relevant topic to discuss.

Tourette's, like many mental conditions, varies in severity. For some people, it's the spontanious swearing, for other people it's nothing more than an occasional eyebrow twitch. I never knew that until I met someone with Tourette's and he explained it to me.

I feel compassion for people with mental illness. I have a cousin who is schizophrenic and has been since college. It has really limited his life. It took years to get his illness under control. When he went on medication, he became phyically ill to the point where he had to go off his meds which made the voices and delusions come back. It was a terrible cycle. He is doing really well now since he had his spleen removed and his meds adjusted. He works and has a girlfriend and lives in a place with other people with his condition.

I know plenty of people who have had problems such as eating disorders, generalized anxiety, depression. The great thing is there is help out there from psychiatrists, psychologists, and medicine. There is no shame in getting help especially when suffering these illnesses cause can be alleviated with a prescription.

When I first read started reading this thread, I'll have to say, that I found it to be very offensive. As I have one of the "major illnesses" you listed, I again remembered how close-minded people can be. I have to say that I think that Dionysus's initial post was kind of hurtful. And the same for AXJules. Not all people with these disorders act any different from the rest of the population. Not all people choose not to take their medication. I can't even imagine choosing not to date someone because they told me of a mental illness. Think about what you are doing when you do that. Obviously, they trust you enough to let you in on some problems. If you were to reject them after that, can you only imagine how much that hurts? Obviously not. You are too busy thinking about yourself. And just because you had ONE experience with someone who was depressed and they didnt take their medicine, do you have to generalize and group every person with a mental illness together, even if that person is on medication, and seemingly well put-together?? And what do you do if someone gets depressed for a few days? Do you run away, like an immature child, scared, because you can't handle it? Or do you behave like a mature adult, and accept it as part of that person?

ALSO...what happens if someone you love all the sudden develops one of those said illnesses (many, esp. bipolar and schizophrenia, don't manifest themselves until adulthood)?? Do you just leave them because you are too scared to deal with it? Because thats the vibe I'm getting from people on this message board....and frankly it shocks me that anyone could be that close-minded.

I could date somebody with a minor illness. I don't think I have the time or patience to deal with something like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

THAT IS MY CHOICE.

It is a choice you make to not date fat people, ugly people, rich people, whatever. I date what I'm attracted to.

That's not mental illness, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I also wouldn't seriously date a Republican or somebody from an extremist religion that conflicts with mine. Again, my choice.

I don't think it's close-minded to be worried about your personal emotional or even physical comfort/safety. People suffer from these illnesses to varying degrees, and I think that it's anyone's right to not date someone with a condition that they don't feel that they can deal with. I've suffered from one of the listed "illnesses" myself and can honestly say that I was better off not dating anyone at that time, because I had to worry about me in order to even begin treating what was wrong. My relationships were dysfunctional because I was.


It's like adopting a baby with AIDS. Would you criticize a couple that didn't want to take that child? It's not a reflection on the child, it's a reflection of what the parents feel their abilities are. Or for another example, would you criticize someone who didn't feel comfortable dating the deaf? or the blind? Some people are honest enough with themselves to know they aren't ready to handle that kind of relationship or the heavy emotional investment that dealing with someone who is ill can often require.

Anyone who told someone they were interested in of their condition should be mature enough to understand that the person they are telling might not be comfortable with it- that is after all the point of telling them, no? Finding out if they are in it for the long haul and willing to deal with the issues of dating someone mentally ill, whatever they might be? Being mad just because that person decides they can't is kinda pointless- the person who is ill is better off finding out that the individual can't deal with their illness this way than later.

I cosign with everything Kath said except replace Republican with Democrat for me.

Some of you are so quick to jump all over people and say they are being offensive.

I too am one of "those people" with a mental illness. I have dysthemia and major depressive disorder, also known as double depression.

However, I don't think anyone here is being offensive. I would not date a person who's mental illness was untreated/so out of control that he was a danger to me, himself and others. No matter how wonderful a person he may be, if his illness wasn't under control and I feared for my life. I could not be with him. It's purely a safety issue.

But sometimes it's also a mental health issue. I went out a few times with a guy who I knew suffered from depression. He was very sweet and I liked him, however at that time in my short life, I was just pulling my self out of the gutter (so to speak) and I was coping with my depression. I was doing a lot better but I did not have the emotional strength to also deal with someone elses depression. Our first date he didn't say more than 10 words to me and then had the nerve to get upset when I wouldn't let him crash at my place.
I suggested to him that he seek professional help. I told him that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wasn't dealing with their depression because I was having enough trouble dealing with my own. Could you imagine that relationship? Two extremely sad people together...oh yeah what a barrel of laughs that would have been.

So, it's all about balance. I couldn't date someone who was in a deep depression and unwilling to give it a chance. I gave this guy plenty of chances but I couldn't help him because he didn't want any help at the time. We remind friends for a while (until we go into an unrelated argument). He eventually did get some help, and found himself a new girlfriend.

I don't think I was being mean, or offensive or selfish. I was looking out for my own mental health. He eventually looked after his own and found the happiness he was looking for. If I had continued to date him I would have become his therapist, not his girlfriend.

What in my post was hurtful? I said I would not be with someone who is a danger to me or others. I listed two diseases which bring out extreme behavior in people- it is in my best interest not to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Quote:

I can't even imagine choosing not to date someone because they told me of a mental illness.

Again, my personal choice. A person's race doesn't affect their ability to be a good boyfriend; certain mental diseases do. **Notice I said CERTAIN.**

Can you imagine how much it hurts when someone you love is laughing and crying and yelling at you at the same time?? Can you imagine how much it hurts to have someone irrationally lash out at you, or hurt you physically, and you don't know why? That is NOT being self centered. That's knowing what's good for you and what isn't. Why do you think that's any different than being with someone that's abusive?? **AGAIN, I'M NOT SAYING ALL PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS. I'M SAYING THIS IS HOW I FEEL IF THE PERSON HAD A SEVERE CASE- AND MANY DO.** And, wouldn't you say it's a little self centered to know you're harming someone else and jump in the relationship anyway? It goes both ways.
And, you make it sound like, anyone with a mental illness automatically deserves a significant other. God bless you for having to deal with what you deal with, I'm sure it's not easy, but that doesn't mean I have to agree to go out with you. Just to spare your feelings I'm going to agree to be your girlfriend? Like that wouldn't lead to worse problems down the road....Are you attracted to people in wheelchairs? What about someone with no legs? They have it pretty f'ing hard too.....so using your logic you better be dating all of them to make their day a little easier. That doesn't make any sense.

. Again, I never said all people with depression were like that. Re-read my post- I said it was a horrible experience and I can't imagine being with anyone with a WORSE illness. WORSE. Not SAME. Depression is unbelievably common- many times the person that has it doesn't even know. I didn't rule it out, just said that it's a red flag for me. Personally. And, I do not want this to turn into a personal attack b/c I think this is a great discussion, so I am really biting my tongue here, but how dare you claim that those of us who are "healthy" (and I know you were referring to me) run away like scared children b/c we can't handle it. You know nothing about me-nothing- and I sat by for 2 years as someone I loved more than anything else on Earth hurt me, others, and basically self destructed. It was everything I could do to get him help. You say that all of us are being judgemental but you have a lot of harsh things to say for someone who's so 'open minded'.
The question was WOULD YOU DATE someone with a mental illness. Not "would you marry a seemingly healthy person, only to have them develop a mental illness, and then leave them for someone better." And, in advance, no I would never desert someone like that. But to know in advance that that's what they're dealing with.....in situations, no I would probably not get involved.

I think this is a frustrating topic for people with mental illnesses because there is already such a stigma in our society and it's hard to face the fact that at a point when you are at your loneliest and saddest/angriest/whatever-est, people want to walk away from you because of something you can't control.

I also think that a lot of people avoid those with these problems, or with certain problems, because of what they perceive them to be rather than what they are. Like I said before, people assume that depression and anxiety and ADD are "easier" to handle because they are so common in our society -- but somebody with untreated depression/anxiety/ADD is going to be 101 times harder to be with than somebody who has their Tourette's or schizophrenia or bipolar disorder under control.

And as somebody who has had major issues that still aren't under control, I am well aware of the "martyr complex" that many people involved with those who have these problems develop. There are a whole lot of people in your life who suddenly think that all their suffering while dealing with you is so terrible that they deserve a medal. If you think what you have to deal with is bad, try being the one with the disease. Yeah, I'm sorry the fact that I have insomnia and wake up with nightmares means that you can't sleep very well. Would you like to trade places with me, because, you know, I'd gladly do it? I'm sorry about the fact that dealing with my panic attacks means you don't have as much time as you need to study. Have you checked out my GPA lately? Yeah, so maybe you should shut up. I'm sorry that the fact that I'm depressed means I'm no fun to be with anymore. Try being me.

If their disease is that hard for you to deal with, you aren't doing them any favors by being with them.

All that said, there is no way I would ever get involved with anybody with a mental condition who didn't have their isht under control. Because I know what it's like, and I know how hard it is. My most recent relationship ended partly because my boyfriend tried so hard to deal with my panic attacks and depression and tried so hard to fix things for me that he ended up burning out and lashing out in a way that hurt me (and other people) far more than just simply breaking up with me would have done.

I am of the opinion that anyone who has a mental illness -- or a drug problem, or an eating disorder, or any of these things that are sooo hard to deal with for everyone involved -- should not be in a relationship until they get things under control. And that is hard because a lot of the times those with mental illnesses or drug problems or eating disorders are the ones that feel like they need people most. But you spend so much energy on the problems that there is no way you can give as much to the relationship as you need to be giving, and it's bound to end up really ugly.

It's incredibly cool of you to share with us what you've gone through.
Those of us who answered honestly appreciate it.

lovelyivy made a wonderful post, and i agree with all she said.

i don't know what i would do if put in that situation. i think it totally depends on severity and type of illness and how much that person wants and/or receives the help he needs.

Is it awful for me to believe that 99.9% of Greekchat has a mental condition?

-Rudey
--I fall in the other 0.1% and now I'm going back to finishing this pitchbook and listening to Flashdance.

A) No, b/c you're right.
2) Ooops that Flashdance comment just whisked you into that 99.9 %.

Good post. Thank you for sharing your story.

---------------------------------------------

I dated someone for a brief time who was severely depressive. The relationship didn't last long, and it wasn't because of that at all--it was just for fun, and it kinda burned itself out. Had it gotten more serious, I don't know whether or not the condition would have been too much for me. I was 18 years old and clearly not ready to deal with the ins and outs of loving someone with such a condition.

Acknowledging that you can't do it isn't being selfish or offensive. It's simply knowing how much you can handle...what would happen if you began to lash out at or resent your significant other because sometimes s/he was seriously depressed? The relationship would do more harm than good in that person's life.

My boyfriend suffers from clinical depression. He also goes through short periods of mania, although he's never been classified as bi-polar, because the mania is very mild and only lasts for a few hours at the most.

For some reason, I've always attracted and been attracted to people who have psychological problems. (One reason I decided to make one of my majors psychology.) I probably have some myself. Maybe it's because I find psychological disorders so fascinating (my field is going to be abnormal psychology) or because I understand what it's like to differ from the norm (or a little bit of both), I don't have a problem dating people who do have psychological disorders, as long as they aren't a danger to themselves or others.

But then, there was always that one that tried to run me down with his car... :rolleyes:

My last boyfriend was bipolar, and he decided 3 months into our relationship that he "didn't really need his meds". :rolleyes: I dealt w/it for 2 years, lots and lots of heartbreak dealing w/that condition. I will never never never date someone w/a condition such as that again, too much stress.

To the offended
 

I think this is more of a responsibility issue than people looking down.

Also, I think this boils down to not caring what others think. If a guy won't accept me for my problems, or worse deny them, then I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

Ok, I'm borrowing some things from the "3 DealBreakers" thread here...

-Excessive tardiness
-Being rude, pessimistic, negative to others
-Has no sense of humor
-Does not retain his heritage/ethnicity (at least have some idea of your roots)

-if we just don't click at all
-leaving the cell phone on alert mode (unless ur on call) during the date AND if left on silent mode, you check the cell constantly for any missed calls or voice mail while we're still on the date

1) has more hair on his back than on his head
2) is skinnier than me
3) has issues- ex: ex-girlfriend he can't forget, 5 kids, drug user...freaks out after sex

refuses to shave or wax body hair

1. Poor (Wears Mudd jeans or another such variant).
2. Stupid (Can't understand Kant or do multi-variable calc).
3. Ugly (Doesn't look like Paris Hilton).


Then there were extensive discussions in another thread about not wanting to date someone who has a child.

Then we ask the question about mental illness... you could even ask it about a chronic medical illness too.. compared to some of the above, it's a more serious issue. Some people's dealbreakers are pretty mild things, some are more serious. The thing is, everybody has different things that they can tolerate and live with.

Knowing what you personally are capable of coping with is an important skill in life.

Dee

All of the sudden, I'm thinking of that awful movie Pumpkin, that makes sorority girls everywhere looks like the biggest b!tches alive.

I don't think this thread makes us look like bitches. I think if you look over all of GC, you're going to see some pretty excellent examples of womanhood.

I agree -- you have to include chronic medical illnesses, too. I have von Willebrand's disease, which is a bleeding disorder. That means when I get cut, I keep bleeding. Also sometimes I'm very tired and pale and achy (you know... certain weeks of the month.)

It's too much for some guys.

When my mom was sick and I was so sad.... that was hard for some guys too. Serious issues are not something everyone wants to deal with.

Uhm, I don't even like to be friends with people that are moody, touchy, or overly sensitive.

They get on my nerves because they make their issues your problem.

So as far as mental illness goes, well as long as it didn't effect the relationship, i.e. their inability to control that facet of their life didn't make me miserable, then its all good.

If it was uncontrolled than its no different than the above moody, touch overly sensitive people i mentioned earlier. . . the illness is just a label.

Did you know that some bipolar disorders are tightly correlated to type 2 diabetes??? It is called Wolfram's Syndrome.

So, some mental illnesses may be a result of underlying diseases that many people get as they age. So if you all keep living, you will age too...

Generalized Anxiety Disorders may have something to do with Hypertension... Like one of the Salt Transporters in the kidney is not genetically coded properly or is mutated, so there is an increase in blood pressure and an imbalance in sodium. When a similar transporter in the brain malfunctions, it initially causes anxiety... Then the prognosis is poor as one age.

Some learning disabilities and mental slownesses tightly correlate to the incidence of cancer. A child with down's syndrome is more likely to die from malignant melanoma or other cancers than normal individuals as they become adults...

Most cancer patients suffer from depression as a result of treatment... Chemotherapeutics kills all growing cells and some senescent cells, dehabilitating mental function, including the chemicals that control emotion--seretonin, norepinephrine, GABA receptors, NMDA receptors...

Some other disorders could lead to Alzhemiers and Cardiovascular Diseases...

So, I do not think it is an issue of dating someone who has a mental disability is the question that one ought to be asking...

My question is can you manage the care of an individual that actually does have an ill-described illness that begins to manifest itself as an effect on thought habits and emotions???

Moreover, should folks who actively seek help with their disability be having children, when it probably a genetic disease to begin with...

As Rudey would say:

We are all mutants...

Well Damn AKA_Monet, I think you have now terrified all the members of GC that have some mental issues by suggesting that it could be some deeper and more sinister physiological problem.

Telling people that have some type of anxiety disorder that there really MIGHT be some horrible dehabiliting disease in their future that their enxiety is merely a symtom if is . . . well it should get some funnny reactions from people during the deep watches of the night.

Good for you lol:)

Much terror from a brief post.

Pick your poison...

Cancer or Heart Attack??? Or stroke??? Or Alzheimer's???

The fact is folks need some level of treatment. Either chemical, spiritual or whatever allows them to function in today's society.

There is hardly a person that has the perfect genetic structure without some ailment. And then, if our genetics doesn't get us, the pestilence will.

Some things can be overridden with the will of the mind. But when it is clear that for proper development of the mind, appropriate treatment and nurturing has to occur--or that luck of the draw, you are what your genome says, happens to be that way, then, why not seek something out that can help???

The point is that in the ebbs and flows of relationships, we all have to deal with folks idiosyncracies, neurosis, psychoses and probably serious illness...

What do you think "they" mean "in sickness and in health"???

It is a part of the human condition...

If folks know they cannot deal with a person who speaks and curses at a wall, then hey, more power to them for at least acknowledging that issue in themselves...

I cannot deal with a man that has baby's mamas dramas... That's why I did not marry a man that had children...

I could not marry a man with a criminal record. But many African American men have had altercations with the judicial system... So, if I chose to be alone for the rest of my life because I could not meet a Black man without a parole officer, then hey, I would have had deal with that...

Luckily, I did marry a man that did not have a criminal past... However, that does not mean he never will have an altercation... Although I doubt he ever will...

But just like not choosing someone who has a mental disability, would you really not choose someone if you knew that they would get a serious illness later in life--that would probably leave them bed-ridden???

Could you be a caregiver???

I know I could because I grew up in that environment and actively saw it as a teenager in the nursing home where my grandmother resided... Then having to watch my mighty, extremely intelligent grandfather suffer through a dehabilitating stroke only to drool because he had diabetes. And he probably had stroke onset because he was under stress--because he worked too much and didn't stop... Obsessive-compulsive-type A personality...

But, hey, if folks cannot deal with progressive loss in health as one ages, then at least they know their "weakness"...

But, one without training, ought not actively help another if at the time that is not something one should deal with... Meaning, if you are in college trying to get a degree, why should you deal with a boy or girl who decides to take his or her life if they choose not to get treatment???

Ever hear of codependence and enabling?

I already helped take care of two terminally ill people, that was quite enough thank you.

Codependance and enabling are usually rationalizations for weakness and being fed up, respectively.

It just occurred to me though . . . isn't it generally conceded that all women are neurotic? Especially about relationships? And food? And weight? And handbags? And shoes?

So isn't worrying about some labeled conditon merely secondary to the normal psychosis that men have to deal with all the time?

IF we can deal with the above quirks, mere psychotic delusions and small things like bi-polar should be easy :p