Married Men . . .
 

Scenario:
You are good friends with a married man. You too often spend time together and for some reason, you have developed STRONG feelings for him.


What do you do?



Me myself and I would pray those feelings away and distance myself from my friend. I know that those feelings would not be ordained by God.

First of all, I wouldn't be spending a lot of time with a married man in a social context. I feel very strongly about this. I despise it when men/women date someone that they know is married. I highly value the institution of marriage, and would therefore never put myself in the situation where I could develop feelings for a married man. But if I did....It the thought of what goes around comes around would be enough to slap me back into reality.

I had a friend that "dated" a guy that was married, and she rationalized it saying that HE was cheating on his wife...SHE wasn't doing anything wrong. She liked the fact that he didnt sweat her because he had obligations, and she liked the fact that she could call him when SHE wanted "some." Its sad, but I know more and more women who ONLY date married men or men in relationships for these reasons...

I understand your point Soror Love Spell and agree with you.

To clarify or to put a spin on it: what if it is a guy who you have been friends with for years, not just someone who you meet after they are married and then become friends with that person. Not trying to excuse it AT ALL, but just want to clarify that this is not a situation where a woman intentionally seeks out the married man.

But again, if I found myself ever in a situation where I found myself falling for another woman's man -- be he married, engaged, or what have you -- I will be spending some serious time praying those feelings away.

Soror I would have to take myself out of the situation. I wouldn't be able to look Myself in the mirror if I gave into those feelings. Some things I just feel really strongly about...and this is one of them. I would take comfort in knowing God would bless me for sticking to my morals and respecting the marriage. Its so easy to give into the temptations of the flesh...and much harder to be strong and walk away.

TOTALLY!!! :D
I want to be blessed. I know I sin enough as it is but some things I am just not going to willingly do. :eek: :( :o

Girl u aint lying!!:)

CT4, been there, done that. It's not a good situation. I had a crush on a guy for years and apparently he did too. I didn't find out about it (the crush) until he was in a relationship. We fell out of touch, then got back in touch, and that was when he was married.

He's called me since and said that he still has feelings for me, but I had to totally remove myself from that situation. I still care for this guy and would love to see him, but I know me--:rolleyes:

So pray those feelings away girl. Shoot, I'll help you..."In the name of Jesus, I bind that demon..."

Distance yourself!
 

I'd step away.

A few months back, I met this guy (a soror's in-law). We all were kicking it and having a great time. We both sense feelings. He knows he is engaged, I don't know at this point. After he reveals to me he is engaged:

1. I congratulated him on his upcoming nuptials
2. I told him, I wasn't LIKE THAT
3. I said I respect his fiancee', because that could be ME in the reversed situation.
4. Karma is a byatch, therefore, I wouldn't want something similar OR worse to happen to me or those close around me.
5. If he cheated on her to be with me, he will cheat on me to be with someone else.

I also distanced myself from him. I told him to remain focused on what he had with his future wife and not let a few social outings (with others) cloud your judgement. However, if it was meant for us to be together, then that will occur. So far, it hasn't and I'm with someone else. I learned that when one door closes, another opens. Boy, did it open. :D

Do not ever sell yourself short. If ole boy is married and is trying to 'holla', he is DISRESPECTFUL PERIOD! Don't EVER sell yourself short, not for a piece of (private parts). Basically, that's all he wants. After he gets you, he's going to discuss you across the table from his boys and you'll become a joke.

DATING MARRIED MEN= DRAMA! LEAVE IT ALONE!

disclaimer- I've never been in a relationship with a married man, but IT'S WRONG!

Tell him to flirt and holla when you see the divorce decree! ;) :D

My bad CT4...I read the HC thread and I figured that's where you got that. I'm SORRY!!! :(

I posted THIS topic because of the how comes. That's all. No need to apologize. I just wanted to clarify before folks started praying that I get the adultery monkey off of my back. I started this topic out of concern that a SF was contemplating being with a married man.

Being married myself I must post something. My husband has female friends that he had before we married and one that he met after we were married. I feel that any FRIEND OF MY HUSBAND IS A FRIEND OF MINE TOO!!!!!!! These friends also know their "place" in the grand scheme of his life. If I'm not familiar with a certain woman that my husband might know...then he & I talk about the situation. And one of two things happens...either they are introduced to me and we become friends (when I say "friends" I mean that they might call once and a while and do lunch or something) or they get ghost!!!!!! My husband and I have always communicated about everything and whenever one of us feels a certain way we resolve the situation right away!!!!!!

Girl I am not even married and I hear you loud and clear on the above statement. My cousin got married 4 years ago and his best man was a Woman. This girl has been close with my cousin since they were six. My cousin's wife can't accept the relationship because she is beautiful for one and for two they spend soooo much time together it really is a shame. But that his how they have been for as long as I can remember. She did express her feelings for my cousin years back and he simply told her that she was the sister he never had and he would never but their relationship in harms way. And from what I can see, she took what he said and has never crossed that line ever again.

If it were me.. I would pray that the feelings be taken away and I would distance myself, but not totally remove myself.

Re: Married Men . . .
 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
[B]Scenario:
You are good friends with a married man. You too often spend time together and for some reason, you have developed STRONG feelings for him.


What do you do?



Run!!!!!! Remove yourself from the situation. You're playing with fire and you WILL get burned.

TTT
 

What is cheating?

If a married man/woman hooked up with a person of the opposite sex and they didn't have sex, is that cheating still?

I was reading this article in Essence and it talked a little about this. I wanna hear your thoughts...

That is CHEATING. That is emotional and physical infidelity and it is wrong on every level.

On the original question: I think that you should always take yourself out of this situation. I do my best to make sure that I am friendly with all of my guy friends girlfriends. Anything else is an insult to the relationship. If I started to catch a feeling I would make myself scarce, because no one should voluntarily put themself in that position.

I deserve waaay better.

Re: TTT
 

I dont believe that the only way you can "cheat" is to have sex. I would feel cheated emotionally if my man starting sharing all of his innermost feelings, dreams, etc. with another woman vs. me. There is a such things as having "friends" while you're married or in a relationship (Iguess ..:rolleyes:)but I'm sorry,..you cannot maintain the same closeness with a friend of the opposite sex once you're married....I think problems will arise eventually... the friendship should be modified in some areas

Re: Re: TTT
 

I agree. Just wanted to se what ya had to say about it.

Re: Re: TTT
 

Ditto!

In fact, I think that I would be more hurt if my husband was having a relationship with someone else than if he had just had sex with her. The fact that he felt more comfortable and was more willing to talk and spend time with a woman other than me would crush me. That means that his feelings towards me had changed.

Cheating to me is doing anything that you would not want your spouse to find out about. If it is calling someone on the phone, sending emails, kissing, or whatever. If you didn't want me to know about it and you did it anyway- you cheated.

Re: Married Men . . .
 

I agree that I would not be spending lots of time with a married man - he should be spending that time with his wife IMO. If I was "caught up" with feelings however, I would let him know the deal, that I think that it is inappropriate, and cut off contact with him.

SC

I agree with everyone. However, are we extending this to people in a relationship period. Not married or engaged. Just in a relationship. I had a discussion with a couple of friends a while back about this issue. Two felt that they honered only engagements and marriages, men with girlfriends were fair game. I had a little problem with that.

I would have a problem with that too. A man who does his girl wrong with you will end up doing it again. And where is your self-esteem that you would want to be affiliated with that person in any way?

If the man breaks up with his girlfriend and then you date that s a different issue. Messing around with someone who doesn't have the courage to just break up with his girlfriend if he is THAT eager to move on is wrong.

But in some ways the rules are different for guys with girlfriends. I would flirt a guy who had a girlfriend. I would still try to be friendly with the girlfriend, but wouldn't feel awkward about having a deep friendship with the guy in that case. I just wouldn't encourage him to cheat.

Look at your motives, honestly...are you close to that man because you had feelings for him all along? Are you trying to wait and see how his relationship goes so you can be there to 'support him' if he has problems?

If so, respect yourself, respect the institution of marriage, and get the he** out of the situation. Don't disrespect yourself by fooling yourself and pretending that it's cool to be close to this man that you have feelings for. Why are you tempting yourself and him? Develop other relationships and focus on single men, no girlfriends or wives.

Cream of the Crop....
 

Ladies,
As I read our responses, I can't help but think that we must be the cream of the crop when it comes to women....or some of us are just not being honest. There are so many people cheating and being cheated on....so many of us that do not respect relationships, marriage etc....so many of us that see a "good" brother and will go after him at all costs because he is a good catch...and because of the shortage of good brothas...regardless of if he is involved with someone....

If more women thought the way we are saying we think...there would be a lot LESS infidelity..

You are right, as well as Love_Spell...

If he is doing more with his "friend" than you (his wife)...yeah that's cheating.

HC I know of a situation where the husband bought his BEST FRIEND a Coach Briefcase, but hasn't purchased anything by Coach for his wife? :rolleyes: They have been friends for yearsssssss, but still...

As the best friend, would you have accepted the gift especially if you know he hasn't done anything like that for his wife? ETA

HEck No!
Any woman that would does not respect his marriage and probably wants him for herself... I always treat married men the way I would want another woman to treat my husband...

I honestly don't know. That is a FANTASTIC gift, and my first instinct would probably be to keep it, lol.

But I also wouldn't be comfortable with that kind of gift giving. It would definitely make me wonder about how my friend saw me to give such an extravagant gift. If his wife got BETTER stuff then that's no problem, but if he's buying her Gap and me Coach I would really wonder....

I would also wonder if he was expecting a Coach bag for Xmas too- and nobody but my sweetie would merit a gift like that! :P

So I would probably tell him to give the bag to his wife.

But sadly. Very, very sadly.

This is going to be me...
 

Hey yall,

I just had to reply to this thread because I can see this is where I'm going to end up one day. I have a couple of males that are my friends. I'm talking, never dated, never flirted... anything! But as we get older I see them engage in long term relationships it made me think, "he's going to get married one day!" What do I do? Fortunately my best guy friend seriously dates anything one of my good female friends but although we're friend (she and I) I can tell by some of the things she says that she's jealous of our (he and I) relationship.

I'm just not sure what I should do. I mean, these guy have been my friends for years and years... I do understand that I will have to step down and we won't spend as much time together but should I expect our relationship (he and I) as a separate entity to end?

What do you guys think?

TruePursuit
 

I don't think that your relationships with them have to end entirely, but you need to take a step back. I would say try to objectively think about how you would feel if your significant other had a female best friend. Consider what you would and would not be happy with. The thing is to be OBJECTIVE about it, not making excuses. Also, I think that a good thing to do is for you to double date. If you have good male friend who is seriously dating someone else, you should double date. That way, his girlfriend has the opportunity to see you with someone else and that will kind of qualm her issues with you wanting her man. Hopefully she will see that there is no romantic interest between you and her man and that in fact, you are very much involved with someone else. Plus, if she is really that important to your friend, you should respect her as such and maybe even seek out a friendship with her. This discussion reminds me of the movie Brown Sugar.

Re: Distance yourself!
 

Amen!

I am not going to preach, I am just going to be practical.

If you feel yourself having feelings, returned or not, towards someone already taken, its important to recognize that and make a decision.

If you are willing to pursue a relationship with him . . well you keep hanging with him. And you might as well do everything in your power to win.

If you don't. If you think its wrong or too much trouble. Your best bet is to run away and sever ALL contact for some time. Until you get over it.

Unless you are one of those people that like the torturous drama of unrequited love. blah. Thats a nasty evil, hurtful place to be, because you are neither coming nor going, merely trapped in a perpetual state of frustrated hope and unhappiness. A place where your emotional well-being is in the hands of someone else because you can't leave and don't want to pursue.

OH, if you have trouble severing contact for a period of time, thats telling you something right there.

Re: TruePursuit
 

Thanks for the feedback.
My main concern is because the girlfriend is my friend too. I've know the guy for about 5 years and then I met the girl about a year ago because we worked together. They actually met one another at my house for a gathering before I moved out of state. So it's like, they're both my friends... that's what makes it a little more weird. It works out when she's having issues with him and she can talk to me about him (because I know him so well) but it's kind of uncomfortable when things come up that he told me but didn't tell her.

So what advice do you have for me considering they are both my friends?

I know plenty of men who got married after knowing me
and informed their new mate that I was there before and
will be there after so accept me as family or don't because
I'm not going anywhere.

Deltadred,

I invite you to introduce yourself in the appropriate thread for members of Delta Sigma Theta. That is protocol for any new member of Delta to GC to do so.

No, and I will have to tell him about himself!


@True--- Stay out of it!! I do not engage my male friends in conversations about their wives/girlfriends. If they want to vent, fine, I'll listen. But, don't drag me into it. I don't want some woman hating me. I always speak honestly, but cautiously. Relationships are complicated. After weighing in with a general, neutral piece of advice, I end with, "I really think this is a discussion you should have with her."