Will you put your parents in a nursing home?
 

The "how old is too old living at home" thread got me thinking. Will you put your parents in a nursing home? In my case, NO. Maybe its how I was brought up and my nationality, but I would never do that to them. They will live with me until their time is up. Its that whole cirlce of life thing, they raise you and now its your turn to take care of them no matter what.

Any opinions?

Re: Will you put your parents in a nursing home?
 

I am my mother's only child - reared by my grandparents. My mom and I have briefly talked about this. She has some insurance that would pay for nursing home costs if it came to that. She doesn't have a problem going to a home, if necessary, but I don't think I would feel right allowing her to go to a nursing home; only if for some reason I was not able to handle her care. I would definitely look into private nurses coming to my home if I brought her to live with me (she's in MD, I'm in FL). I've thought about this, and I hope it doesn't come to that point. Right now, she's very healthy, but sometimes you never know what could happen.

I would probably put my parents in Assisted Living Care before an actual nursing home. I know I'll be working a lot, being a lawyer, that I wouldn't be able to really make sure they were OK if they were living with me. The assisted living situation would allow them to socialize with people their own age whenever they felt like being socialable. They wouldn't want to hang around with me and my friends. They would also have nurses around 24/7 in case they should fall or get sick, etc. The nurses would be able to be more sensitive when they are sick, being they wouldn't make something out of nothing if I were taking care of them.

The only way I'd put them in a nursing home is if they had a broken hip that hadn't healed all of the way, they had a really hard time moving around, or they had Alzheimer's. They'd have to have something severely wrong with them.

If my parents get to the point where they can't take care of themselves (hopefully not for a while yet!) then I would look into assisted-living facilities or in-home health care. It seems more dignified to me... you have your privacy, you have as much autonomy as you can handle, and there is medical staff on site if you do have a problem. Nursing homes seem so sterile and hospital-like, like that's where you go to die. And I couldn't take the time to care for an ailing parent full-time. But I would make sure to visit them regularly wherever they are, and see to it that they are well cared for.

I don't think I'd put my parents in a nursing home unless it was absolutely necessary. My parents probably wouldn't like to be in one anyway. However, they did say that they probably would move into an assisted living complex once they're older. My mom's trying to put her parents in one right now, but they both claim that they can still live on their own. I know my grandfather can, but my grandmother's probably better off in one where they have planned activities and that kind of stuff. Right now, she just sits in front of the tv all day. She doesn't drive, so we have to take her places as her English is limited and she can't take public transit. The assisted living apartments that my mom's looking into cater to people who are of Chinese descent.

I am going through these kinds of tough decisions right now. My mom is really too sick to live in her condo independently now. I suggested that we sell her condo and add on her own quarters to my house and she HATED that idea. She said she would be too isolated (she has friends in her condo complex that check in on her everyday, get her mail, etc) and she is concerned about being exposed to all the illnesses my kids bring home from school. She has emphysema and every cold wears her down that much more. I'm a single mom and just able to cover my expenses but my brother makes good money and has no kids. What we have agreed on for now is that my brother is going to pay for a home health aid to come in from the health system that I work for because I can get us a discount. She SHOULD go to assisted living and she would probably enjoy it but it is very expensive ($3000/month). She gets $700/month from Social Security and pays $400 a month for prescriptions. I would rather that she would come here but she has always said that she didn't want to live with me for two reasons. She is worried about role reversal (being dependent on me) and she is worried that she will act like my mom too much (telling me how to raise my kids, etc). I think we'd work through those things but she seems pretty firm on it. It is inevitable that she will need nursing home care at some point and I live 2 blocks from one that is very good. It will be close enough that myself or my kids (hoping they're teens by then) can stop in every single day. Having to have these discussions and make these decisions is very stressful for everybody.

Dee

My parents have long-term care insurance. So that's apparently their wish.

I would hate to place my mother in a nursing home but if she could not go to assissted living then yes I would. Last year she had surgery on her foot and I took care of her for 1 week and that was enough for me. It was physically and mentally demanding. We are very different people ( I am messy and she is very neat) and cannot live together for long periods of time. I think she would be happier in assisted living where there would be people her own age.

We are placing my grandmother in a nursing home this week. She was in assisted living but she has alzheimer's and is now at the point where she needs more care. We cannot provide that care, my mother can barely walk as it is, she cannot care for my grandmother on a physical level.

It's my dad's wish too. My mom said at the very last resort. If she becomes anything like my grandmother w/ Alzheimer's I think it will be in her best interest. Otherwise, I can't really picture myself doing that.

I'd like to think that we would try and do our best ourselves before we turned to a nursing home, but until we're faced with that situation, I won't know. I watched as my parents and aunts and uncles struggled with my grandmother's decline due to Alzheimers. They tried hospice and in-home care before they were resigned to putting her in a home. It wasn't an easy decision, nor was it a fun one, but it was the best one for everyone.

I will just be grateful if my parents are still around at an advanced age and we are living near them.

the last few yrs of my grand dads life he suffered from lukemia parkinsons and a heart condition.. my mother is the only child and had to take that upon herself and cared for both he and my grand mother in her house. Assisted living is a good option...just make sure you get a good quality retirement center because nursing homes are disgusting non caring and horrible. I would put my parents in a aissited living situation if i cant care for them in my own house first

personally I hope euthansia is legal by the time I have to make the decision for myself (or anyone has to make it for me)-I would not want to live in a nursing home. Again I like QUALITY of life not quantity.

Euthanasia, AKA as suicide may be ilegal but as long as you succeed you will get away with it lol . . .

I think, I would fall on my sword if I got to the point you r talking about. But I have learned that you never know what you will do until you are in that situation so who knows?

You betcha! Actually, I probably have a good long time to ponder it at least when it comes to my dad. My paternal Grandmother is turning 85 this year, and still works 30 hours a week, doing the books and running the lunch time register at the same restaurant she's been at for 35 years. Honestly, it's kept her young, b/c she is such people person - very heavily E for those of you who know Myers-Briggs personalities.

I doubt my dad will be going that long out on his own, but I imagine him being stubborn about going to a home. Kansas City has some great semi-assisted living centers, with plenty of activities and a wide spectrum of care options from nothing at all, to complete nursing care. I severely doubt that my parents will move when they retire.

My grandmother has dementia and pretty much has regressed to a child. Every day my mother had to wash her clothes, sheets, bedspread, chair cushion, sometimes scrub the bathroom down because my grandma was unable to control her bodily functions. She couldn't hire a healthcare worker to help her because my grandmother's health care coverage went to an elderly day care. After much heartwrenching debate, my mother decided that it was too much for her to handle. She moved my grandma into an assisted living place on Monday that is equipped to deal with the daily care for her, and I have to say that it's taken a huge burden and stress off of my mom.

While it's wonderful that most people don't want to put their parents into a nursing home, if there is a high level of care, it's been documented that many feel resentment toward those they have to take care of. My mom wants to spend quality time with my grandma (because you can tell she's beginning to fade), but she was simply too exhausted when she had to provide the daily care for her.

If I can afford it, I will try to take care of my parents. My grandmother has lived alone since my grandfather passed away over 25 years ago - and she had a stroke. If she were in assisted living she might be fairing better than she is. However she doesn't have a lot of money, so the assisted living thing wasn't a feesable option.

My other set of grandparents live in a community village, but in their own home. At least they have each other in case something happens.

Both sets of grandparents are over 80! To me it's AMAZING that they're still living on their own.

Right now I'm saying I would not... but this is right now, who knows what circumstances will come up in the next 40 years. My grandmother is in a nursing home, and I really wish that she could just move in with us. My mom feels the same way, but it's my dad's mother and he always brings up the valid point that we're not always around and someone needs to be there all the time in case something happens. My grandmother is a lot better off than most of the people in there. We visit her every other weekend-- it's an hour drive. So since I don't like seeing her in there, my sister and I are always saying, one of us will take my mom and the other will take our dad in.

i think it's very idealistic to say you would never put your parents in a home.

of course no one wants to do it, but it's hard to imagine the money, time, stress and fatigue that come along with taking care of some older people, especially those who can do nothing for themselves.

my father can rot in hell for all i care, but i would hope i could take care of my mother. and if my family can't, we will do whatever is the best option at the time.

As harsh as it sounds, this is true.

When parents and grandparents are past the point of being able to take care of themselves in a meaningful manner there may be no other choice.

Mrs. DeltAlum's father had a stroke not long ago, and now has severe complications and the discovery of cancer. He has to have 24 hour a day care. There is assisted living where he lives, but the family has decided to take care of him (with the help of a hospice) as much as possible. Fortunately, one of her sisters does not have a job, but between her and their mom, both are absolutely drained emotionally and worn out phisically.

If this situation lasts a long time (it is unlikely), it will take a terrible toll on the rest of the family. In some ways, it already has.

You must ballance the good that being home does for the older person against the stress it places on the rest.

this is exactly how I feel as well

As someone who makes her living in geriatric counseling, I know this to be the truth! Senile dementia or Alzheimers are so exhausting to the caregivers, I can understand how so many murder/suicides happen in this scenario. Just changing a parent's diaper is not the easiest thing to do - imagine doing that 10-15 times a day. And for those of you who haven't had the joy of the adult diaper, it's much, much different than changing a baby.

I would do my best to keep my mama home as long as humanly possible, especially since, genetically, she has a great chance of being sharp until the end. But I'd have no remorse in getting in-home care on a regular basis. We've had too good a relationship to end up with bitter memories of each other.

I've already told my parent's I'm sending them to a home :p ;)

Seriously though, my sisters and I are pretty tight w/our parents, with 5 girls they'll get enough help when they need it :) Anyway, it's really whatever my parents feel what's right for them.

They moved him to a Hospice yesterday and he appears comotose today. Just became too much to handle at home.

I'm very sorry for you and Mrs. DeltAlum. It's never easy to watch a parent (or grandparent in my case) fade.

I'm terribly sorry to hear this. My prayers are with you & your family.

Delta Alum, I'm so sorry to hear this. All my prayers to you and your family.


I watched my mother take care of her mother-in-law, my father,
my grandmother, grandfather and aunt. Plus, my sister moved in with her two children after her divorce. She spent the better part of her life caring for people. She has no friends and sits at home all day... I feel so guilty that I have a busy life and can't just sit with her the way she did with others. MONTHS ago she injured her foot and unless someone drives her, she can't/won't go out.
I know she's depressed, but she refuses to go to a doctor.

No one in my family has been sent to a "home". I doubt I could send Mom. In-home care is probably the way I would go if the day comes. If dementia sets in, or she became bedridden, I don't know what I would do. Guess this is one of those "Cross that bridge when we get to it" situations.

The problem I see is that families are so spread apart and broken.
In the "old days" the houses were bigger for utility purposes, family was near and the responsibility could be shared. (But then, I grew up in an agricultural community.) That started changing when I was a little girl.

At a certain point, it's not about what parents feel "what's right for them." Dementia, Alzheimers, and other problems associated with old age take the person you knew, loved and admired and turn them into something completely different. In some cases, they longer know what's right for them.

My father has 9 brothers and 4 sisters, all very close with their parents and each other. They all said they would NEVER send their parents to a home. When my grandmother had a series of strokes, it was easy for them to share responsibilities...in the beginning. Each of them took a week off (they all live within 5-6 hours away) to take care of my grandmother, so the strain wouldn't become so much on the ones who were closer. She also had a home-health nurse. By the time those 15 weeks were up, I have seriously never seen my parents so exhausted, as the bulk of the responsibility came down on the few who were close enough and who could afford to take more time off (my father and two aunts). Diabetics with Alzheimers and a host of other age-related illnesses need more care than children and their spouses there once a week and a home-health care nurse.

So, despite everything they had ever thought, they had to send her to an extended care facility. Those things are EXPENSIVE, but she did a lot better.Qualified people were there to take care of her mentally and physically, and they were able to enjoy their mother during the last months of her life. I remember her being probably in the best condition there than during the entire run of her illness (especially towards the end). It takes an unimaginable toll on the entire family--despite how close everyone was, it's one of the most stressful situations I have ever experienced, and I was just a bystander.

So, never say never, folks. I know my parents are financially prepared for the possibility of having to require outside long-term care, and I know they don't want to put us what they went through.

I'll be thinking about you and your family.

Like munchkin said--never say never. Many people say they'll never send a loved one to Assisted Care or a nursing home. My family did...

Well, my grandmother lived in an isolated beach community. We couldn't keep a caregiver as she grew older because no one liked the isolation. Her physical health was okay but she was becoming increasingly confused.

Then one night, a neighbor saw her out wandering through the marshes.:eek: :( She could so easily have drowned. Against her wishes, we had to put her in Assisted Living because the doctor warned us that the wandering would get worse--apparently, some older people just do this and it really would've been dangerous where her children lived.

Until you've dealt with a wandering elderly loved one...never say never.

Yes,
this was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life!!!!!!!:(

I got Mom our of the Hospital and took her out to eat. I had to tell her that I was going to check her into the Nursing Home.

Dad Was still in the Hospital and there was no way She Could take care of her self.

I was Strong until I had Checked Her in and then Cried like a Baby.

I remeber hating each one over different times of my life as a Kid.

But it is amazing how one finds that they were so right about what to expect in life.:( They Were So Right!:)

Love and Cherish Them while you are alive, They will be gone so damn soon:(

Small Town Nuresing Homes SUCK just as bad as the Big City ones do!:mad:

I will put my mother in a nursing home because I am evil........

Nah she's bad off and will probably die before I can send her to one anyway.

I would if I can not take care of them. My parents are too proud to have me take care of them, they would put them self in one.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers.

Middle daughter decided she needed to fly to Ohio to see her Grandfather one last time, so I put her on an airplane this morning.

She walked into his room, and moments later, he passed on.

He was a remarkable man and will certainly be missed by his family and we in-laws, but it is better that this happen now than for him to endure any more pain, humility and suffering.

Rest in peace.

oh DeltAlum, I am so sorry. I least you daughter was able to see him one last time and he did not pass alone.


My prayers for his soul.

DeltAlum, I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

I am so sorry.:(