Ok With Celibate Male Mate?
 

Ladies,
There was a thread in the Alpha Phi Alpha forum asking whether each man would be willing to forgo sexual relations with a woman that he is dating until marriage if she is celibate.

I pose the same question to us:
Ladies, would you be willing to forgo sexual relations with your man until marriage if he was celibate?

SC

YES! That would be a blessing from God!

Yes I would.

Mmm-hmm

This question wouldn't apply to me any more, but waaay back when it did...
 

NO. There are too many men out there trying to "pass" (gay but in denial) with girlfriends or fiancees on their arms. My mind would automatically run to, "he's hiding something." He would be suspect - especially if the celibate thing was his idea. If he was respecting my wishes, that would be a different story. Double-standard? Maybe, but that's life.

Re: This question wouldn't apply to me any more, but waaay back when it did...
 

Co-sign.

wow...you all would be like that for every guy? there are some genuine men who are actually trying to live their life properly as a Christian (this is the perspective that I'm looking at it). You all still have that view point?

In reply to delph998
 

Yes. They would be more suspect than ever!! :o

Speaking for myself alone on this one, any man with that viewpoint would not be the man for me.

I don't believe in religion. I believe in holding onto an ethical system that allows you to treat the people around you with respect at all times. God has little to do with how I treat the people around me.

Any man who genuinely believed strongly enough in his chosen faith to be celibate would therefore not be the man for me because I have no such corresponding beliefs. We would make one another miserable.

Since I rule out religion as a reason completely, a man who just didn't want to have sex "just because" would be mighty suspect in my eyes.

I do agree! But Reading the post about being suspicous make me think...

Yes(if I had one)! Actually, my whole thing now is that I won't date anyone who isn't a virgin/and or celibate. I just took the vow of purity last march(to God and myself), and I would need someone who would not just agree, but be walking in the same beliefs as I have.

YES! That wouldn't be a problem for me. :)

YES! MOST DEFINITELY!!!

Since I'm not putting out, I don't need anyone putting pressure on me. A celibate guy would be ideal. If he isn't, he will be when he's with me.

But now that the "suspicion" has been mentioned, I'd just have to pray he is what he says he is. That and do some serious background investigation.:D

NO, I would not stick with him. I'm sorry, but I have to keep it real. Sex is an important part of a relationship. It's not everything, but it ranks high. I, for one, don't want to wait around for x amount of years only to find out that it is wack. He may not be able to perform, might be lacking, etc. Though some guys are trainable, I KNOW that I don't even I want to take that chance. I may stand alone on this one, but that's how I feel.

Re: In reply to delph998
 

What, if he is a minister who is really trying to pratice what he preaches until he finds a wife? Just because a man is celibate does not mean that he avoids intimacy. You can have intimacy without sex. So, just because a man is celibate, I will not think he was suspect.

Re: This question wouldn't apply to me any more, but waaay back when it did...
 

That is nuts, no pun intended. :( I'm sure there's a such thing as a man who isn't ruled by his @#$% and is hetero. I co-sign with delph, I would think that is a blessing!

Yes, especially if he is doing so for religious/faith reasons. :)

Okay Lovelyivy...I kinda :confused: understand why you would have that viewpoint.

But I truly believe that God can touch a male to be celibate. I have a friend who hasn't had sex in three years because he isn't in a relationship. And he says that when he does get in a relationship, he wants to wait a while before he DOES have sex. There are men who are concerned about STDs and HIV as well, and I appreciate when men have that precaution in today's times.

I don't doubt that you believe that. But I would not date any man who felt God touched him to be celibate. Absolutely not. Not because of the no-sex part, but because I would be uncomfortable with someone who felt that level of religious fervor. Extremely uncomfortable.

When you get down to it, I like sex. I don't feel that having sex or not reflects on my relationship to a higher power, reflects on the amount of respect people should or should not give me, or to any cultural/social norms about how a woman or man should act. I have sex with my partner when I feel comfortable with them, and it is an important part of our relationship, a part of our intimacy and bonding. I don't think everyone has to feel the way I do, but that's just how I feel. In regards to preventing disease, proper use of a condom can do a lot, and you should be comfortable discussing your past with your partner before you become intimately involved anyway. If you don't trust what they're telling you you shouldn't be having sex.

A man who I had an emotional connection to who wanted to deny a sense of physical intimacy would not be someone I would get involved with. It's like men who don't kiss- very offputting. I would think that they were hiding some part of themselves from me or involved elsewhere.

I like you Lovelyivy!! You keeps it real. Because you don't believe in God (I'm right, am I?) I can understand why you have that stance.

To the Christians, like sister soror Abaici said, you can be intimate without having sex. And I know a lot of people who believe that sex confuses everything. So not having it, makes it less complicated.

Summerchild, do you mind if we open this up to the fellas? I want to know how the men feel about the subject matter.

I am a theist. I believe in God, but not in any particular religion.

I believe he's out there, just don't know his name :-)

gotcha.

OK, abaici...
 

I see your point. I can't imagine that the courtship would be prolonged, though. ;)

I wouldn't either. For the exact same reasons mentioned.

Soror LovelyIvy
 

I co-sign on every word you said. I don't believe that having/not having sex is any measure of my worth or value.

And I, too, do not believe in any particular religion but God (or whatever one choses to call him/her) is everything in every aspect of my life.

Dionysus...
 

In my experience this is not "nuts." It's practical wisdom.

TO ALL: I would like to know how many of you ACTUALLY KNOW a man who has voluntarily committed himself to celibacy until marriage (not relationship, but MARRIAGE. I can understand why a person would want to be in a committed relationship before having sex).

If you do know a man who has taken this vow of chastity and has adhered to it for more than 1 year, tell me, what is he like?

I MUST HIJACK

I think this is the MOST Soror Choo Choo has EVER posted on GC @ one time. :D :o :cool:

I had to put it out there.

hijack ends

resume hijack...
 

Ha-ha, Soror. You made me laugh! Yes, there are some things I feel very strongly about. :D Between that and waaay too much free time at work, this is a very interesting topic!

end hijack

Re: OK, abaici...
 

uh, naw. lol


ETA: I know someone who's been celibate for over a year. It's not an easy thing for him at all, but he has his convictions.

Re: Dionysus...
 

Honestly, and this actually discourages me when I think about it, but I don't know many brothas that are abstaining. Even the ones that I know that are in church/on the choir, etc...are still trying to get up in somebody's draws. The ones that (from what I know of them) ARE seemingly abstinent are umm...less than desirable anyway. These days, I find it hard, VERY hard to come across a man who says that he will be completely abstinent. I know several brothas that will WAIT for you, for a established amount of time, but not many that will stay with you for an indefinite amount of time without sex when you are NOT moving toward the prospect (i.e. marriage) of such.

Well...
 

Pesonally, I love sex (with my man)!!! I'm a firm believer in sampling the milk before buying the cow. I mean, really, who wants to get stuck with a cow that can't "produce"? Having said that, as much as I love having sex I have been walking towards the path of righteousness...notice I said towards the path and not in it. So if my boyfriend came to me right now and said that he want to stop having sex until we are married I wouldn't have a problem with it. It would be hard, but I would give it up in a minute. I don't know that I can start off that way (meaning dating a man who is celibate) because I got to know what a brother is working with before I can commit to it. Sex is a very big part of a relationship and if you aren't sexually satisfied I really believe that problems will arise. As far as a man being "suspect" if he doesn't want to have sex, I feel the same way. Especially if the brother is in Atlanta, GA. Whenever I meet a guy in Atlanta, "Are you gay/bisexual?" is always the first thing that I ask. If they immediately get offended by the question, that to me is deserving of a red flag.

Re: Dionysus...
 

No, I don't know any man who has voluntarily committed himself to celibacy until marriage. I have not ask, nor has anyone volunteered that info to me. Even if he did, he could've been lying. Or, the other way around, he could be lying about not saving himself. But, that still won't prove your point. Because you, me, or anyone else in this thread doesn't know any man who has done this, it doesn't mean that there is no such man who saved himself yet isn't "funny".

I am celibate and in a long term relationship, so therefore my man is celibate too (lemme find out he's not, y'all will see me on the news). Anyway, speaking as someone with experience, I can atest to the fact that celibacy is not easy, for either partner in a relationship. If you think that a man's reasons for celibacy are "suspect," you will be able to either confirm or deny that belief soon into the relationship. If you have been together for two years and he hasn't had a hard time restraining himself, at least once, that probably means that he doesn't want you like that in the first place. If you have been together for two years and you have had to remind him, and yourself, why you chose celibacy, then he probably is not on the DL.

Re: Dionysus...
 

I do! (Actually I knew a couple, but one got married so I presume he's not celibate anymore. I should hope! :D ) He is not super-religious but he has strong moral beliefs about this.
He's been dating another friend of mine for a couple years who also doesn't believe in sex before marriage (she is a very religious Catholic) so it works. Of course that is not the only reason why they're so good together, but it's one of them.

As for me, I totally respect anyone who feels this way, but it doesn't mean I'd want to date them. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like sex and didn't think it was an important part of a relationship. After all, before I marry someone, I would want to make sure we are compatible in all sorts of ways, and sex is an important one. I didn't buy my car before I test-drove it, and with luck I'd be committed to a husband longer than to my car!

Dionysus, you're right. Just because we don't know him doesn't mean he doesn't exist. Stereotyping all men as "funny" because they not only believe in but adhere to a vow of chastity before marriage would be wrong. I was referring to my experience and asking others what they've experienced; I wasn't trying to prove a point by asking the question, just curious to see the responses.

Classy Lady: I admire yours and your mate's willpower. Being on the same wavelength and giving each other strength in order to stick to your beliefs will build a strong marriage if you end up there.

Sister Havana: It sounds like your friends, too, are on the same wavelength as Classy Lady and her significant other.

SkeeWee14, I agree with you.

Delph, I don't mind opening it up to the fellows but there is such a thread on the Alpha Phi Alpha forum. However, it seems that it would be informative to be able to compare in a single thread. Happy posting fellas!

SC

Soror LovelyIvy84,
I also believe in G-D but am not a follower of any organized religion. You are not alone. :)

SC

Re: Soror LovelyIvy
 

Soror Choo-ChooAKA,
I totally agree!

SC

Re: resume hijack...
 

Yay and it was my thread that she posted so much on!!! :)
Just kidding. :)

Ladies,
I guess that I should answer my own question.

I would respect a man that wants to maintain an abstinent lifestyle and try to work with him to the best of my ability. I think that *physically* I could go without and seek other avenues of intimacy.

However, I don't know how happy I would be with this sort of relationship b/c I believe that sex can be a deeply emotional and bonding experience. I think that I'd want to have that experience and bond with him on that very deep level before I marry him. I wonder if I could feel close enough to a man to marry him if I have never had sex with him and therefore never had that deep experience of bonding with him in that intimate way that (to my knowledge) only sex brings.

SC