You know you are in a black church when....
 

I saw this on a Christian forum and it was hilarious! Some of the things they said were outrageous. I know you all will have some outlandish things to say! One of the things that was said was you know you are in a black church when....the ushers taking up offering counts it and says, ok one more round, we need fo' mo' dollars!

First I would like to say hello to all the ladies of Alpha Kappa Alpha. Now, 1 N A Million you know your in a black church when... you smell chicken or fish frying when you walk in the front doors

You know you're in a black church when there has been a building fund offering for 50 years, and the church still isn't payed off.

You know you're in a black church if the usher hands you a Martin Luther King fan before you're seated.

You know you're in a black church when during the announcements, the cost of the plates cooking in the back are mentioned (fish, chicken and dressing, macaroni and cheese, etc.)

You know you're in a black church when you are served saltine crackers and welch's grape juice for communion.

You know you're in a black church when your feminine male choir director is always the head of the church fashion show.

You know you're in a black church when your preacher not only gives the word, but his cd is on sale in the fellowship hall after church and it's at the top of the gospel charts.

[This message has been edited by Total Elegance (edited September 08, 2000).]

You know you go to a Black church when:
1.) the choir marches in;
2.) they have a building fund and don't even have plans of putting new locks on the church;
3.) somebody gets up and says, "the choir will now bring us an A & B selection;
4.) the Mother's/Missionaries sit on one side of the pulpit and the deacons/trustees sit on the other side;
5.)they take up tithes, offerings, and "PLEDGES";
6.) there's a picture of the current pastor and all other pastors that have ever pastored the church;
7.) they have a church anniversary, pastor's appreciation and everybody else who holds a position has an appreciation/day(ushers, musicians, deacons, etc.);
8.) you walk around the table for the "public offering";
9.) they vote members into the church; and
10.) you get an invitation from other church for an activity they're having and they request that two of your church members BY NAME represent your church. If they can't attend please send two representatives of your choice.

I could go on and on this one. Black churches, be they: Baptist, Methodist, Pentocostal, Apostolic, etc., you GOTTA LOVE 'EM!!

You know you are in a Black church if the tithe/offering envelope has a box to check marked "Post Dated Check"

Last week our choir sang at a church and I picked up an envelope off the seat before I sat down...I looked at the envelope and almost laughed out loud!

When the pastor and his wife both have jeri curls and when the offering sounds like an auction.....The preacher starts off by saying I got 50.00 can I get 75, can I get 80? You know you are in a black church when the choir takes a song like Amazing Grace and remix it and it lasts about 30 minutes. And this has nothing to do with you know when, but what about 2nd Sundays and the ole' folk choir?

Nooooo Soror Catwoman!

A post-dated box!?!? That is tooo funny.

1)You know you are in a black church if you have choir dresses made to match the Reverend's favorite robe. (Y'all know what I'm talking about. You know - you go to the cloth store and pick out a pattern and then your aunt or somebody gives you a messed up sewing job)

2)You know you're in a black church if someone gets up during service and holds up their index finger (as to say excuse me for disrupting service).

3)You know you're in a black church if the teenagers sneak out during service to go to the corner store.

4)You know you're in a black church if you have to wash feet during communion.

5)You know you're in a black church if the musician plays at the end of the sermon to emphasize the Reverend's point.

6)You know you're in a black church if you sing "All things come of thee..." to bless the offering.

7)Or if you sing "Reach out and touch, somebody's hand..." at closing.

8)If you get sick from eating at the covered-dish dinners after church.

9)There are a whole bunch of kids there that walked to church and their parents stayed at home.

10)Reverend says: God is good. Congration replies: All the time.

-----------------
Alpha Kappa Alpha
17-Alpha Phi-91



[This message has been edited by Taykimson (edited September 08, 2000).]

LOL! You guys have said it all http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

You know you're in a black church when "testimony service" lasts longer than the sermon.

You know you're at a black church if:

1)Before every speech someone says, giving honor to God whose the head of my life
2)If the person who always leads all the songs in the choir (y'all know the one i'm talking about) gets up and says the Devil's busy. I started getting a sore throat after choir practice yesterday, he didn't want me to sing my song. But church I'm here to tell ya, the Devil is a liar. Then they go on to do a remix of the song. One of those 12'' murder remixes, the kind you only hear at the club.
3)The usher board got matching suits
4)The church is broken up into districts.
5)You have cakewalks for fundraisers.
6)You have Friends and Family Day.
7)I can't forget Harvest Day
8)At some point in the service you sing "What a Fellowship".
9)The choir got a routine for every song
10)The communion wine (I mean grape juice)is in a shot glass

------------------
KAPPA ALPHA PSI FRATERNITY, INC.
SPR 97
XI LAMBDA

How could we forget this one, you know you at a Black church when "you're visitor and they ask you to stand, tell who you are, your church home, and your pastor's name if possible."

You know you're in a Black Church when the minister has 2 churches, therefore church A has services on 1st and 3rd Sunday, while church B has services on 2nd and 4th Sunday.

You know you're in a Black Church when Vacation Bible School lasts for 2 weeks.

You know you're in a Black Church when the sister's try to outshine one another's touching by Holy Ghost/Spirit.

Hello Everyone:
I'm a silent forum participant but I've got to give chuckling "hellos" to everyone on the board as I wipe the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard.

OOOOOh 1NAmillion----Be Shame (As my big-momma says)! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

I am currently attending an AOG congregation (relocated to a small town--in ministry--lonnng story) so you know I'm both missing my Black Church and ROTFLMHO at the same time! In fact, I'm supposed to be interceeding right now as I type. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

Are we really that funny? Oh Lord, we need to repent! LOL LOL LOL

Have a blessed Weekend everyone---get to church! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Shalom!

When there's a big, fat sista sitting on the front row blocking everybody else's view with her fruit-bearin' hat!

Hi Everyone,

I was sitting in church this morning thinking about the things that we posted on this board and it was so hard not to burst out laughing. Sitting there are thought of a few more.

You know you're in a Black Church when:
1.) the ushers stand in the aisle to direct you to a seat;

2.) the pastor tells the ushers that they may be seated during his sermon;

3.) the ushers sit and the musicians move to a seat after the pastor has announced his subject;

4.) the ushers pass out the hymnals and take them up before service is over or they ask you to leave them on the pews;

5.) the fan that they give you during service has Martin Luther King's picture on it and was donated by the local funeral home;

6.) there is a bottle of Olive Oil on the side of the pulpit;

5.) the first Sunday or whenever Communion is observed, everybody has on white; and

6.) What are these programs: 100 Women in Red and 66 Books of the Bible?

I may come up with some more a little later. I hope everybody is having a great SONday!!

[This message has been edited by Elite Ivy (edited September 10, 2000).]

You know you're in a Black church when it is packed,(you can't get a seat anywhere...not even the folding chairs in the aisles..) on CME: CHRISTMAS, MOTHER'S DAY AND EASTER....

You know you're in a Black church when church starts at 11AM and ends at 3PM...

You know you're in a Black church when everyone is coughing to hide the rattling of the peppermint candy paper...

You know you're in a Black church when deacon Jones and deacon Smith get up to do the devotion and you can't understand a word they are saying...

OR...during devotional @ like 10:45, the JUBILEE choir always sings: Let us go back, let us go back, back to our father's praying ground...

Or...there are a WHOLE bunch of vacant seats BEFORE Benediction, because ERR'body leaves after Alter Call.

Or...the water fountain is ALWAYS broken.

Or...the balcony is always the LOUDEST place in the church, where the pre-teens, crying babies and chatter-boxes are located....And why is it always so HOT in the balcony?

Or...you swear that is the latest R & B jam the organist is playing and the choir is HYPE...not to mention they burst out into the Reggae remix.

Or...People holding up the line at the offering plate while the deacons look through the plate to give them change.

Or...When the preacher gets GOOD into the sermon, he says..."Oh, I wish I had 10 more minutes to preach this!" And everybody is like "Take your time, Pastor...preach it!!!"

Or...The preacher says something like, "There are more demons in the pulpit than there are on the corner"...then he adds, "But I ain't talking 'bout this church!"

Or...The song isn't finished until they break it down, meaning, the organ stops, and it's just the drums, and the sopranos go first, then altos...etc.

Or...it's loud as I don't know what during the announcements. SHUT UP>>>>THIS AIN'T INTERMISSION!

Or...people give DIRTY looks at the usher because he's trying to fit 3 more people into an already overflowing pew. You just HATE when he stands next to your pew and holds up 3 fingers to his fellow usher...and all the people on that row are looking around, like where in the world are they gonna sit.

Or...people hold up that infamous one finger on their way to the bathroom.

---
Ya'll I love this thread, I LOVE my church! I wouldn't have it any other way. I guess I have said enough though...See ya later, I'll add more soon.

U know you are in a black church when the same folks start shouting at approximately the same time each Sunday or the 'shoutfest' last longer than the sermon itself. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif.

You know you're in a black church when the pastor says, "I know I can get a witness up in here."

You know you're in a black church when the congregation shouts "Preach Preacher!"

You know you're in a black church when at the end of the sermon the preacher says, "the doors of the church are now open."

You know you're in a black church when the preacher has a handkerchief in his hand and a glass of water in a wine glass on the podium.

You know you're in a black church when the secretary hands a note to the preacher and he says, "if you're driving a Lexus license plate LPO984, you left your lights on, and people driving a hoop-ride or those who walked to church leave out the like they are fooling someone.

You know you're in a black church when the choir dances in the choir stand, and even the old folks are raising the roof.

You know you're in a black church when the minister takes over a song after the sololist sits down.

You know you're in a black church when the choir starts to sing and the congregation shouts, "that's my jam right there."

You know you're in a black church when all of a sudden someone sings....I love the Lord, He heard my cry....ahhhhhh.

You know you're in a black church when the entire congregation leaves before benediction because they want to beat the traffic.

You know you're in a black church when you have 50 associate pastors and only 3 went to Divinity school.

Oh my goodness, talk about flashbacks.

Ypu know u in a black church whenn...

1. People get the holy ghost and the ushers take their time gettin to them.
2. The little old ladies try to chestize everyone..shoo be quite.
3. The deacon sings a song then everyone has to sing after him..
4. The choir sings a song and the lead person starts to add their own verses in the song.
5. They have one air condintion.
6. They put 5 dollas in the offering and ask for 4 dollas back lol.lol
7. The preacher tries to *force* everyone to come to the alter and get saved.
8. When preachers think that church is an alllllll dayyyy eventtt especially on 1st sundays.
9. lol.Preachers try to make u feel gulity cause no ones saying amen.ex*if yall was at the football game yall wouldn't be able to close ya mouth.
10. My absoulate favorite...When the preacher chestizes u in the pulpit in front of the wholeeeeeee church.visiters and all
..oh yeah.. when they think smiling or laughin in church is a sin..lol
.. these are things only we could do..lol

Now y'all know I have to get in on this one! By the way, Monique #7 is the funniest thing I've read yet! LOL!!

You know you're in a Black church when:

1) After every few minutes or so during the sermon, someone yells out "WEEEEELLLLLL"

2) the organist tries to "cut off" the person that always testifies too long by starting up a tune (just how they do on the award shows when the winner's speech goes over the allowed time)

3) there's always that one woman that testifies a little...breaks into a song...testifies some more...breaks into another song..."Giving honor to God, the passah...ya know Church...the Lord has been so good to me, and I thank Him"...(starts singing)WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERRRRRVVVE...WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE..." (testimony resumes)...this scenario is repeated until..see #2

4) there are at least 10 different offerings in the course of one day

5) people rhyme during their testimony (My church is Mt.Zion FBH church...the FBH stands for Fire Baptized Holiness. On any given Sunday, someone says "Passah, as sure as I walked through that Do... I want you and the church to know that I'm Saved...Sanctified...Holy Ghost filled...and Fi Baptized" http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif

Only us Black folk can have church like this! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

I had to add this one......
You know you're in a black church when near the end of service the pastor has to say...."I know errrrbody's hongry, but nobody leave until the benidiction." http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

You know you're in a black church when you look at your watch and it's 11:30 A.M., and service still hasn't started. You know you're in a black church and you look at your watch and it's 3:30 P.M. and service is not over.

Ha Ha Ha!


Conskeeted Skee Wee

You know that you are at a Black chuch (yes chuch) when:

1) the name of the chuch is
Greater St. Paul Institutional Missionary on the Road to Calvary Higher Faith Church of God in Christ

2) when the elders and the deacons/ mothers board ask your permission to whip your chile/ chillens because you cannot step down from the choir stand to do it

3) the little kids start laughin and imitatin the people who get hit with the Holy Ghost

4) they call it "Getting Happy" when you receive the Holy Ghost

5) you have to pay the "Donation" fee of $5.00 to eat the after-service dinner; but if you don't pay the "Donation" then you don't eat

6) they couldn't afford to buy sodas to go with the dinners so they bought that huge cooler with the spigot, concentrated punch mix, and it was on from there!!

7) if you got lucky, the punch had SPRITE or 7-UP mixed in with it (mmmm-mmmm GOOD!!!!)

you know that you attended a Black chuch when

8) the family members that didn't attend chuch ask you who "Got Happy"

these are just a few of the goins-on here at my chuch in California....

Classy_Diva5

You know you are in a black church when the
1. Deacons always sing "A charge to keep..." We all know that they hum the whole song.
2. Choir members take their children in the choir with them.
3. Your moma or grandmama leave out the choir to pinch you for playing in church.
4. Everybody knows who food to eat and not to eat.

LOL AT ridiculous2000!! Like DL Hugley said in his HBO special "Who made the potato salad? did Big Momma make the potato salad? If Big Momma didn't make it I ain't eatin' it!!"

LOL

A friend just sent these to me and I thought about this post...I've tried to take out the redundant ones..

You Know You're In a Black Church When...(NEW FUNNIES!!)]


3. The congregation is preaching along with the preacher!!
> >
4. When the special prayer request time is used to spread gossip!!
("I'm just mentioning it because I want y'all ta pray...")
> >
5. Mothers will be shouting the place down in the Spirit and stop abruptly to beat their child!!
> >
6. When folks wil fall asleep snore and blame it on the baby on
their lap, the child sitting next to them or an evil spirit!!
> >

10. You pass the offering plate without putting anything in it and
the usher passes it right back to you and waits for you to put something in it!!
> >
11. You testify for more than 5 minutes, the musicians will start playing shouting music to shut you up!!
> >
12. During the communion folks be grabbing extra crackers for the
kids and sipping the grape juice before time!!
> >
13. You have to shout with your pocketbook in your hand!!
> >
14. The evangelists shake under the Power and have to readjust their wigs!!
> >
15. The mothers forget their teeth and say "Let everything that
haves breasts praise the Lord!!
> >
16. The deacons sing during devotional service and you can't understand A WORD!!
> >
17. The leader forgets the lead of their song and starts shouting so they won't be embarrassed!!
> >
18. You run around the church in the Spirit, trip and fall and pretend you fell out under the Power so you won't be embarrassed!!
> >
19. There are 30 people in Sunday School and the offering was only $3.25!!
> >
20. The preacher has a cape!!
> >
21. The bishop comes to town and the necklines drop and the hemlines rise
> > (HMMmmmm)!!
> >
23. You see a publicly displayed bulletin board listing the members
of the church and the amount of their tithes and offerings!!
> >
24. A prophet is identified as the "bow legged prophet" or the "barefoot prophet" or the "singing prophet"!!
> >

26. The choir is singing a song that has "whatsonever" in it!!
> >
27. The only way you get folks to come back in the afternoon is with those six magic words: REFRESHMENTS WILL BE SERVED AFTER
SERVICE!!
> >
28. The choir sings hard before the preacher preaches and then when
it's time to sing after the preaching, there are two choir members
in the stand!!
> >

> > 32. A person dies and the family members try to climb into the
casket during the last viewing!!
> >

> > 36. Sis. Palmer gets up to lead a song and she cracks and is off key and someone in the audience shouts "Take ya time,baby...sing for the Lord!!"
> >
37. The preacher gets his whoop on and spit is flying e'rewhere!!
> >
39. Sis. Johnson gets up to make an announcement about a program
and she keeps on saying "Bear with me saints, I'm nervous!" and you're in the congregation saying "I wish she would go 'head and make the announcement and sit down!!" And the Pastor is looking around
all flustered wishing she would just wrap it up!!
> >
42. The ushers lock the front door during offering!!
> >
> > 43. The members try the ushers patience by trying to open the front
door during prayer and the usher looks back through the door window with a look like "Touch this door again and you will die"!!
> >
> > 44. You bust the back out of a tambourine you borrowed without
> > permission and try to slip it under somebody else's seat!!
> >
> >

Ya'll, I had to bring this back up, I thought about this topic today.

I went to a church today, and I swear while the preacher was praying, the organist was playing 'Just Friends' by Musiq in the background. You know when the song first comes on and he's snapping his fingers and everything. I looked up and several people were jammin' like..."yeah, that's my song!" I thought that was sooooo funny b/c I couldn't even concentrate on the prayer anymore, I was trying so hard to keep from hummin along with the song!

------------------
'Cause I'm a woman,
Phenomenally
Phenomenal Woman
That's me

Maya Angelou

i was an usher for several years and i know all about that!!! you'll never believe me, but i got cussed out because i wouldn't let these women in during devotion. the evil in her said "she act like she can't open the d*mn door!" I AM SERIOUS!!



------------------
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind

Ya'll, those church usher jokes are a trip....

At my church back home, there was a jr. usher board and an adult usher board...we were serious!!!

I know folks cringe when we stand next to their aisle too... "Excuse me..do ya'll think three more people could fit in this row??, Excuse me, is your fur coat holding someone's space??" http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

------------------
"I am not yet the author of my life; I am still it's unenlightened protagonist"
---Unknown

You know you go to a black church when the homeless man comes in and sits in the last pew. Everyone starts getting nervous http://www.plauder-smilies.de/uhoh.gif then the deacons rush over to him and take him to the "back".

[This message has been edited by crayola (edited April 30, 2001).]

You know you go to a black church....

when the members of usher board #1 are the SAME people who served you your Hennessy on the rocks the night before and all the next week....

when the deacons are the same people you saw on the "dance floor" a few nights before at the club....

ALL OF THIS IS TRUE!

I don't know about y'alls churches, but at mine, they serve REAL WINE for communion. Here's the catch though...

1. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when you see one of the church's 10 assistant ministers stopping off at the liquor store on Sunday morning to pick up a couple bottles of $1.99 BOONE'S wine for the communion wine. Now you know he picked up an "extra" bottle and saved it in his car for after church.

2. You know your're at a GHETTO black church when the pastor and his other preaching buddies roll up in church in their Sunday best pimp suits - ICED and BlINGIN' from head to toe. Why did this one visiting preachers (friend of our pastor's) roll up in the pulpit on Easter sunday in a PINSTRIPE PASTEL PINK pimp suit? Where do they even make stuff like that?

3. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when there's calendars, announcements and pictures still on the walls in the fellowship hall and sunday school rooms dating back to the 1980's.

You know you're at a black church when...

1. On Usher Day (which seems to be held 3 times a year) the ushers break out in a STROLL. I had never seen this before, but was in awe when our ushers broke it down with their stroll.

2. You're church has all of the following "special days":
- Pastors Anniversary
- Pastor & Wife's Anniversary
- Church Anniversary
- Usher Day
- Mens Day
- Womens Day
- Childrens Day
- Musicians Day
- Choir Day
Not only does your own church have all of those days, but you are fellowshiping with other churches who also have those same days!

TOOO funny
 

Up to the top

P.S., can you tell I am at work, trying to kill time...digging up old posts?

Sort of related
 

http://www.nytimes.com/2002/12/01/fashion/01HATS.html

Fun article about AfAm milliner who makes church hats. Now, being cheap, I'm not one who's going to drop $200 or more on a hat, but a nice read anyway.

You know you are at a Black church when after the sermon, the pastor not only tells you that his sermon is available on CD and cassette, but you can buy the BOOK too!! I went to my parent's church back in MS about a year ago (they are Church of Christ) and the minister had a table in the church lobby selling his book that had his picture on the cover. My daddy bought the tape, CD, and book!! I bet the next time I visit, they might have it on DVD, too!! :rolleyes:

You know you are at a black church when....

....the pastor and all of the top mens in the choich drive Cadillacs.

....there is a brotherhood choir and everyone sings in the same key. Baritone.

....the pre-teens and young adults spend more time downstairs and outside than in service.

....the pastor has security like the president.

....mid-week service has 4-5 people in the congregation.

You know that you are in a black church when........

1. Someone starts "shoutin" and is slapping you all across the head as you are sitting in the row in front of them.

2. Alright church, I need help on the offerin table, we got bills to be paid, yet he is driving a benz and yours is still at the mechanic because it failed inspection once again.

3. You have an offering for the church fund, sunday school fund, church picnic(mind you it's just October of the previous year), Deacons Board, Building fund(and you are still wondering that after 44 years why are they still owing the building anything).

4. Mother Johnston has to testify every Sunday for almost 2 hours because she has lived to see another Sunday.

5. When the pastor is reading his sermon from scrap paper.

6. When the pastor has to have organ music to help him get through his sermon.

7. When the only sermons that are preached are on Fornication and Adultery.

8. When your church is selling dinners but the main usher has that SERIOUS MASH POTATAS and CAWN attitude (like the cafeteria lady on Cedric's show)

9. When you only have a few members going to or putting in the collection plate, yet their hair, nails and clothing are off the chain...

10. When you can party until the break of dawn, but are barely holding up at church for two hours.

11. When your pastor preaches on something you just said to him that was confidential.

12. When you come home from church you call your non church friends and dog out the entire church from the pastor on down......

13. He has just completed his second hour of preaching and asks the congregation can he take his time.

14. When some sista says "I KNOW THASS RIGHT" to everything the preacher says during his sermon.

:D