"The New Wife" according to the New York Post
 

THE WEDDING PLANNERS

By SUSAN EDELMAN
------------------------------------------------------------------------


January 11, 2004 -- She's savvy, chic, well-educated - and hellbent on a successful marriage. New York's "new wife" is determined to get married in her twenties to a good provider. She plans to have children before infertility sets in, and has no guilt about dropping out of the workforce to be a stay-at-home mom.

She probably doesn't work. She wants to look glamorous, shop at Barneys, lunch with friends, and maintain a romantic, sex-filled relationship with her husband,

But make no mistake: she's the CEO of her home and family.

"The new breed of wife has learned from the 80s and 90s wives that 'having it all' is a myth - unless they're confident enough to call the shots," said Susan Shapiro Barash, author of "The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife," (Nonethless Press; $24.95) to be published Valentine's Day.

"Unlike wives of the past, she has a tremendous sense of self-confidence and entitlement. She wants a pleasurable, struggle-free life - and has no doubt she can get it," said Barash, a gender-studies professor at Marymount Manhattan College.

After interviewing 500 wives - including 100 women in their 20s - Barash discovered a surprising "backlash to the future."

Eighty-five percent of young women today believe their marriages will be better than those of their mothers and grandmothers - without the exhaustion, haggard-looks, and divorce that plagued their predecessors, according to Barash.

This, the author says, is because these women have made getting - and staying - married their main profession.

These 21st Century wives, who often hold law, medical and other advanced degrees, feel no pressure to contribute financially to the household or to smash the workplace "glass ceiling," the author found.

"In fact, they feel they have choices as never before - and can move in and out of the work world as they see fit for their marriage and families," Barash says.

New York wives and wives-to-be agree.

"There's a backlash to my mother's generation that says, "That wasn't so much fun,'" says Ashley Lathrop, 29, who quit her job as an advertising account director in Manhattan this year to move to Washington D.C. for her husband's six-figure job as a financial consultant.

In fact, while they were dating, Lathrop bluntly informed her future husband, "I don't want to work now. I want to raise children, and I want you to be the financial provider. If you're not in line with that, you need to say that now."

He was in line with that.

Lathrop expects her first baby this month - and considers it a late start for a couple that plans to have four to seven kids.

And the couple is working on her timetable - Lathrop set a deadline to have kids before turning 35 because she wants to be an energetic, "vibrant" mom.

Any guilt about not working? "No way - why?" she says, laughing.

"We've had it drilled into our heads that women are underpaid as housewives," she says. "But that's a more important job than one with a paycheck every two weeks."

As a girl, Lathrop attended the elite Nightingale-Bamford private school in Manhattan, where many classmates rarely saw their mothers - who worked as high-powered doctors, lawyers and executives.

Lathrop wants to raise her kids in a beautiful home and neighborhood, go on family vacations to France, and train for the next New York Marathon. She also wants to put ongoing energy into her marriage.

"At the end of the day, it's all about having a relationship," she says. "What's important, as we've all learned from 9/11, are the people in our lives, and being a good friend, good wife, and good lover to make every day count."

Lathrop said she and her girlfriends differ from traditional 50s or "Stepford Wives" because they have high self-esteem - and will tolerate no disrespect from their husbands.

"I would walk out the door," she says. "I still have education, brainpower and a mom's multifaceted attention to detail. That's a hot commodity in the business world."

Flexibility and freedom are also important to Casey (not her real name) whose first baby is due in March. She earns $150,000 in a public relations job in Manhattan, but will quit if it becomes "too complicated to work," she says.

"I've seen a lot of women with Harvard MBAs who have chosen to stay home," says Casey, whose husband earns $800,000 a year on Wall Street.

As Barash found, keeping up personal appearance is important. Casey and her friends - some who are also pregnant - attend prenatal exercise classes. It's "absolutely a concern," she says, to regain her shape after childbirth, and keep up with facials and other beauty treatments.

"New York is a pressure city, and you don't want to fall by the wayside," she says. "You want to be the balanced mom who is still put together. If you look disheveled, it's a sign of being out of control."

Like other new wives, Casey considers it crucial to preserve romance, sex and intimacy in her marriage. She plans to hire a babysitter every Thursday evening for a "date night" with her husband.

"I think it's really important to make sure that you focus on each other," she says.

Shannon (not her real name), 24, is going for her Ph.D, but her life plan revolves around marriage and raising kids. She and her boyfriend, who works in finance, plan to wed in the next two years - and have two kids before she turns 30.

She wants a life without stress - and expects her husband to provide all the material trappings. "I want to give my kids everything they want, and take them on vacations," she says, adding that her own wish list includes "nice jewelry and clothes."

Shannon plans to work part-time "because I need to get out of the house for awhile." She chose the pharmaceutical industry because drug companies offer flexible schedules.

"I don't need a power career," she says. "My marriage and children are equally - or more - important."

Have new wives set feminism back to the dark ages? Far from it, Barash says. "The new wife take the best of what feminism and traditional wifing have taught us to produce a young woman who knows exactly how to navigate her life," the author says.

And Barash thinks that such determination is a good thing.

"This," she says, "is a new kind of power we have never witnessed in wives before."

-------------
CAPTION: The 'new wife' incarnate: Kristin Davis' Charlotte on 'Sex and the City' has made it her life's goal to get married and have babies.

Since I posted the article, I guess I'll be the first to comment on it.

Women of a certain means have ALWAYS been able to do this. This is nothing new to me. It was not until college that I met people whose mothers either worked the entire time their kids were in grade school, or resumed working when the kids were in their mid-teens.

If it can be done comfortably, I'm all for mothers (or fathers!) staying home with children if one income can take care of the family. Some people just feel better working, while others want to stay at home, and that's fine.

Just another piece of sensationalism from the NYP. ;)

While I agree with the article on some levels, I don't think this is exactly the new trend. From what I've observed and after discussing this before with my friends, we want this: work for a few years, have kids, take off a few from work to raise our kids, and then go back to work once our youngest child enters Kindergarten. I want to be there while my kids are in their formative years so that I can be there through those important stages of life and I can be the one nurturing them; I don't want some nanny raising them. I've realized that the only way to do that is to raise them myself until they enter Kindergarten. My friends and I all feel that we worked hard to earn our degrees and we are going to use it. Plus, I would be so bored if I didn't work but that's just me. I want to know that the money in my pocket is partly contributed by me. I discussed this with my boyfriend and he said to me, "You know, when we get married, I'll make enough money so you don't have to work." While trips to Barney's and lunch with my friends everyday sounded good at first, I would much rather come home from work everyday with a sense of pride that I'm making a name for myself. Those are my feelings and my personal choice. I don't look down upon any woman who decides the best option for herself is not to work.

ETA:
If you want your cake and to eat it too, the best job to have is a teacher. My mother was a teacher. She was able to take off for a few years to raise me and my sister and jump right back into her career when my sister entered Kindergarten. She was home everyday before we got back from school and she was always home to take care of us during our summer and winter breaks.

Well... If my husband made $800,000 a year on Wall Street, then I'd say to heck with my job, too. Kids or no kids. It's not like you're giving up very much by staying at home. :rolleyes:

You most definitely wouldn't be "totally bored" if you were a stay-at-home mom. Stay at home moms have lots of things to do, from volunteering at the kids' school(s) to grocery shopping, paying bills, etc. My mom quit her job when I was 12, and spent most of her "free" time volunteering. It's still really stressful. Sometimes, I wonder how the working moms I know from the Junior League handle all that. :eek:

Ok, I personally, would be bored. I, personally, don't find things like grocery shopping, paying the bills, or volunteering at my kids' schools entertaining. But that's just me. Notice how I included "but that's just me" in my original post when I said I'd be bored if I didn't work. Thanks.

Haha the guys with some change and brains are going to get pre-nups and dump these dumb broads they support if they get out of line for hot 25 year olds.

-Rudey

I used to think I could never handle being a stay at home mom. "I would be too bored" or "Not enough stimulation" etc.

And I think this was true for a while. But as my daughter gets older, the pressures of organizing her activities, my career & family time start conflicting... I also have begun wonder how some of these stay-at-home moms do it all. I see these women at the rink all the time. Full time family managers. Smart, beautiful and very well put together.

I can honestly say now that she has entered school, this is the time I wish I could just run the household & family full time.

It is the opposite of how I always viewed it. I always thought the urge to be at home & nurturing should be when the child was an infant & vulnerable. But I never felt I missed out on anything working while she was an infant. Back then it was all about watching her eat, drink & poop. But now she has interests, sports, arts and a personality. If the opportunity arose, I would have no qualms about trading in my career to manage a family full time. I am sure I would be just as busy and stimulated.

(PS. I would make sure my pre-nup compensated me for any financial loss that staying at home vs. furthuring my career caused. ;) )

I'm with Rudey on this one. There is something almost demanding about that article. Woe to the man that doesn't meaintain his woman in total luxury because she doesn't really need him anyway . . . but will suck off him if she can like a lamprey, an if he fails she will find a job until a new man comes along that will support her.

For those that want to be a "family manager" thats great. But the money I make I will manage myself thank you. I will pay the bills witht he money so there should be no complaints.

I never understand men that come home and just hand their pay checks to their wives or have the wife take care of all financial matters when they are (the man) making all the actual income.

Boggles my mind.

PS. I applaud ZTAngels attitude. Give me a woman that will take responsibility for herself like that and contribute to the family income.

I agree - that Ashley chick needs a smack upside the head, she sounded horrible. Those kinds of things are supposed to be MUTUAL decisions - that's what being a couple is about.

Staying at home doesn't mean you have to totally disconnect from the working world - depending on your company, you may be able to be more involved than you think, if you are high enough up staying connected to the company/industry as an independent consultant.

Oh and as far as the bills - it's more an issue of one person being able to keep track of the bank account better than two people. You should still both know what you're doing and where your $$ is going.

Correction: Where MY dollars are going darlin' ;)

Then they are also YOUR bank statements and YOUR checkbook to balance to make sure YOU don't get overdraft fees. :cool:

This article just makes my blood boil. :mad:

This just underlines the fact that women, even today, have to choose between having a career and having a family. Men can have both without a problem. I know a guy who came to the office the very day his wife gave birth. But if a mother goes back to work, she gets "What's wrong with you? Don't you care enough about your children to raise them yourself instead of sending them to day care?"

I made it quite clear to my husband, before we even got engaged, that I refuse to be a stay-at-home mom or even voluntarily go part-time. He's less than thrilled - he says that you can't pay anyone enough money to raise your kids the way you, the parents, would want them raised, and he has a point. (I told him that if that was the way he felt, he could stay home. :p ) But he accepts that my career is part of me, and that giving it up would be like cutting off my arm. My mother-in-law, who was a SAHM, does not understand me at all in this regard. My mother understands - but then again, although she went part-time after I was born, she never stopped working.

I did NOT attend a top-rated university for five years, earning bachelor's and master's degrees, to sit at home and change diapers all day.

Liar! You know you just went for the MRS. Degree. ;)

Thinking about this a little bit more....

What do you do when the family is grown? One person in the article stated if it didn't work out:
"I would walk out the door," she says. "I still have education, brainpower and a mom's multifaceted attention to detail. That's a hot commodity in the business world."
I don't think so... When you haven't been adding to your resume for 10, 15 or 20 years, you are not a hot commodity.
I think, even though it sounds cool, you still need to be active in some fashion. They sound all empowered right now... but I can imagine when all the kids are gone, there is no career for them, and the marriage is more comfortable than sexy, that the sense of empowerment they are feeling will turn into some huge insecurities. Especially if they are as smart as they say they are.

I think they are all evil .. .

Whatever... :rolleyes: ;) :p

Bingo.

-Rudey

Those women are living in a dream world. What makes them think that being a full time mom will make their lives stress free? What makes them think that they have any control over whether their husbands stay with them? Going to the gym and getting facials? If that is what makes a marriage work, then why would beautiful celebs get divorced? How many men out there make $800,000 a year? What happens when Mr. Moneybags gets in a car accident and becomes a paraplegic with enormous medical bills? What happens if Mr. Moneybags gets tired of this wife who has nothing more interesting to talk about every day than facials and who was at the spa? A stress free life, while married with kids?????? Guaranteed no divorce? There are no such things. This is reality, not a TV show that we can script.

As to a more realistic outlook, I think that when a family decides together that the woman is going to stay home with the kids, that is terrific. I think when a family decides together that the woman is going to work part time while the kids are young, that is terrific. When a family decides that the best thing for them is both of them working full time, it's terrific. If the family decides that the man is going to stay home with the kids, that's terrific too. The whole point of feminism was to have choices and work out what is best for the individuals involved.

Personally, if I had stayed home with my two colicky babies when they were infants, I'd have gone mad. I agree with Kristin AGD that it would be way more fun to be home with them now that they are a little bit older. I would enjoy being their lunch mom, going on every field trip, helping with the school store, etc. However, as a working (single) mom, I do go to half of all the field trips (that's what vacation time is for). I'm a cub scout leader and was a soccer coach when they were into that. I also volunteer for AGD and work full time. I also know that when I was home on maternity leaves (and a medical leave), I felt as if a large part of my identity was gone. I was depressed and felt isolated from the real world. I can't be kept busy enough or stimulated enough from staying home.

I also agree with the poster who said teaching was the ideal profession. I absolutely wish that I had gone into teaching... maybe for my third career!

Dee

Wow - I know women like this! I don't think this concept is that new.

Having children is the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced. I worked for three years after my first was born, and then decided to stay at home once the second one came along. I was fortunate that my mother kept her, and I never had to experience the world of daycares. For me, it was difficult to work and only have a few hours each night with my children - it never felt like real quality time because I started fixing dinner the minute I got home, and by the time that was over it was time to give my baby a bath and put her to bed. I spent my weekends running to the grocery store, or doing errands I never had time for during the week.

I've been a stay at home mom now for about six years, and have loved most every moment. Being around for my girls and being involved with school activities has been very important to me. It has been a personal choice, and I don't regret giving up my job in the least. I have spent my days playing with the girls, fixing perfect dinners, meeting friends for lunch and getting involved with the community through the Junior League. My youngest will start Kindergarten in another year, and I am now seeking a master's degree in hopes that I can find something part time or a job flexible enough for me to stay involved with my girls. I personally think that while being at home when they are young is important, being at home during those turbulent adolescent years is just as important.

Staying at home is not for everyone. It is NOT an easy job. There seems to be a major misconception that all SAH moms do is sit around eating bon bons and watching soap operas. It is just as challenging and stimulating and busy as working full time. You find an identify for yourself that is just as important as a career.

Working full time with children is not easy either. It's hard to get everything accomplished in a household between the evening hours and weekends. I know some women who could not WAIT to get back to work because they did not want to stay at home with the baby! And that's okay too - work gave them a release and they were probably better mothers because of it. It is not easy juggling everything - career, family, self but many women find a way to manage it all.

I admire both women who choose to stay at home with their children, and women who choose to work after having children. Both situations are incredibly challenging, and neither is easy.

I read an article recently that said the number one reason why new mothers leave their jobs is because they don't get the support they need at work. Support means the option to work part time or from home or having a day care facility on site. They have unsuccessfully attempted to juggle children and careers so they quit. I know a few women who have done this, none of whom are married to men earning $800,000. Being a mother is a really hard job.

My mother stayed at home and returned to the work force when my youngest sister entered high school. She had earned a law degree while she raised us so that helped. :)

I'd really like to stay home with my kids for awhile when they are young - but will it happen? The ideal of a one-parent working family is only realistic for those who can afford it.

In Canada you can take up to two year off when a child is born (split between one or both parents) without your company being technically allowed to replace you - and my signifigant other would love to take a year off to help raise our children (when we have them). But it's totally not acceptable for a man to take a year off yet. Even if he couldn't be fired, I think he's right to assume that such a decision would not be accepted by management.


I once worked with a guy who honestly believed that most women went to university for this. :rolleyes:

Reading some of the threads on here where girls feel a lot of pressure to get engaged or lavaliered before graduation, that doesn't sound too far from the truth . . .

I don't many men at all that feel pressure (except from their GF's) to get engaged or lavaliered before the end of college.

So if you compare it, it looks like many girls do go to school for that MRS. Degree. Although I am willing to concede that they may approach it like a dual degree. :p

One of the girls in the article said that she went to Nightingale-Bamford. For all those of you not from NYC, Nightingale-Bamford is an extremely elite, prestigious, all-girls school on the Upper East Side. Tuition there goes to like the 20 thousand range by the time you hit high school. At least it does now, no clue what it was when she went there. Anyhoo, my point is, I find it a little weird that her family would invest so much money into sending her to an all girls school where she could learn that women can be more than just a housewife and a mother if all she's doing is quitting her job to have children and be supported by her husband. Maybe that's just me, but it really saddens me.

Yeah, I'm actually triple majoring. Econ, PoliSci, and MRS. My GPA sucks in the MRS department. :(

It can happen if you prepare for it and are willing to give up some things. (Unless, of course, you are married to one of those men who makes $800,000 per year!)
If it something you want, work to stay debt-free and put some money into savings for a rainy day. I could not afford to stay at home with my first child, but when I went back to work I used my salary to pay off debts until my second child was born 2 1/2 years later. We pretended that we had only one income - my husbands, and used mine to pay everything off and save a little. It worked. In the process, we learned how to manage on one salary, and were better prepared for when I finally did resign.

There are tons of ways to save money - you definately learn when the sales are at stores, and shop seasonally - buy clothes at clearance prices. I'm not talking cheap clothes either - if you hit the stores at the right time - you will pay $10.00 for the great Chaus or Liz dress instead of the original $80.00. Coupons are like cash at the store. Did you know that Walmart will match any sale price on every item they carry?

We drive older cars (they are paid for), and don't live in a mansion. But I think we are doing okay. We save for vacations, and are able to take some fairly nice trips every year. You may not be vacationing in the bahamas, and you might be doing your own nails, but it can be done. For most, it just boils down to what and how much you are willing and able to sacrifice.

I think that it costs about $10,000 per year to raise one child. That doesn't include private school tuition or saving for college. That is a lot of money especially if only one parent is working. AXO Mom gave some good tips on how to make staying at home an option.

All girls' schools tell girls that they can make a choice, and be proud of their choice. If that girl wants to be a stay-at-home mom, then she has the right. She should be happy and proud that she is doing that, and people shouldn't be upset about it. I went to an all girls' school, and I intend to stay at home as well.

Just so you know, James...I felt no pressure. :p In fact, the Mr and I are the only couple in our circle to survive 6 months after graduation.

Nightingale, in my opinion, seemed more of a finishing school. Knowing a lot of alums, it seems almost natural that at least one would have the aim of being a Wife. :)

As for me, my mommy was a SAHM, and still is, even though I'm not at home anymore. It was good for me, and I'd like to have one parent home with my children at least until kindergarten. Mr is in school to be a teacher, so he will have a compatible schedule, and Mini-Mes are 10 years down the road, so I'll have a considerable nest egg saved. Also, architects can work from home quite easily...

Sometimes I think this just happens! Lots of women get caught up in having a candlelight ceremony of some kind before they graduate! And in a world of uncertainties (getting a new job, a place of your own etc) - hanging on to something (a MR/MRS?) after school seems to be a stablilzing force for many people. A lavalier or engagement ring may offer assurance that some things will remain the same in the midst of many changes. Employment, marriage, and babies are the next steps people traditionally take upon graduation.

I can tell you that I never set out to become a stay at home mom - I was going to work and the babies could go to daycare. I loved my job, and did not plan to let children interfere with my career. This is what I said until I had my first child. Once I had her though - I wanted to stay with her and cried the day I had to go back to work. Becoming a stay at home mom just happened. Sometimes these babies just pull your heartstrings in a way nothing else can.

I personally think it is great that these women aspire to stay home with their children and have family time. But women need to know they can do it this on a much smaller budget too. I don't like the fact that these women are putting so much weight on the financial side.

Great post! I plan to be a stay at home mom, and my fiance and I have been learning to live on one income already, so that we can be more prepared when the baby comes. We live off his income and mine gets saved/used for paying off debts. We feel that by not getting ourselves in over our head now, we'll be much better prepared for living off one income once we start a family.

Me continuing to work after having a child was not something we considered to be an option.

I think these kinds of women that are discussed in this article are kidding themselves. They think they're going to have 4-7 kids (like one woman in the article said she wanted) and stay at home and look beautiful all day long and have time to shop and have coffee with her girlfriends and go to the spa all day long...yeah right! Not bloodly likely!
My aunt is a stay at home mum. Her husband has his own business. She has 3 kids with #4 on the way (due in september). She homeschools her kids, help with her husbands business, helps out with her church, does the grocery shopping, pays the bills, etc, etc...do you think she has time to do things for herself? NO!
Where do these women think they will find the time to shop at Barney's and go to the gym and lunch with the girls, while they are busy making lunches for their 4-7 kids, sending them off to school, doing the grocery shopping, making dinner, paying bills, picking their kids up from school, taking them to soccer practice and piano lessons? These women have no idea!
Being a stay-at-home mum is great if that's what you want to do. But it's a full time job in itself.
I just think these "New Wives" are living in a dream world.

Have you all ever read the book "The Nanny Diaries"? It's a satire of the elite, rich moms in NYC. I could see these women being one of those moms. They have the time to shop, hang out with friends, go to spas, and play tennis because they've hired a nanny, maid, and personal assistant.

It seems to me that you have a problem with their lifestyle. Yes, they're probably imagining things...even the women I know who have nannies at home have stuff to do other than shopping and hanging out with their girlfriends...but I don't see anything wrong with it if it is their choice. I really don't like it when the only reaction a girl gets when she says she "just wants to be married" is "that's very nice, dear". It just sounds so...cold.

Stay at home mums aren't the only ones that get "attitude". How many working mums have to hear, oh you should be at home with the kids, taking care of your husband, a woman's place is in the home...blah, blah, blah, etc, etc.

It just seems that no matter what a woman chooses it's wrong.

Trust me, it isn't nearly as cold if you choose to work than if you are a stay-at-home mom. At least in my neck of the woods.

No, I disagree...it can be just as cold for working mums...it depends on how you take it...some people are more sensitive than others, working mums don't have it any better or worse than stay at home mums, it all depends on the person.

These girls who say "I will this and that before I am so and so age" make me think of the saying "You know how to make God laugh...tell him your plans."

You've doomed them to unplanned pregnancies.

-Rudey
--I hope you're happy.

But the message that girls' schools tend to give their students is "go out and work". My high school has tons and tons of seminars and workshops given by women in different fields. Never has there been one on homemaking. In fact, they abolished Family Studies from the middle school curriculum some time in the 1970s. They expect you to go to university and then find a career, not a job is married or until one has a baby. That's the message that they give you.