Arranged Marriages
 

How do you feel about them? What about so-called "modern" arranged marriages, ones where the bride and groom meet each other well before the intended wedding date, get to know each other, and then get to make the ultimate decision on whether to marry or not? Would you consider an arrangement if it were at all possible?

I am not down with arranged marriages. I am an adult and I have the right and ability to make my own decisions.

If ya want to do that, that is your perogative

Have you ever gone on a blind date? The latter, the modern version of an arranged marriage is basically that.

I personally would never take part in one, but I could never say that good things don't come out of it.

My mom met my dad one week before they got married. Six years later, they had me -- and they were married for a very long time. :)

my best friend is having an arranged marriage. he is miserable. i posted the story around here somewhere, but he couldn't stand up to his parents and say that it wasn't what he wanted. of the girls he was introduced to (in a one week period btw), he picked the girl who in his words was "resonable, practical and had a nice personality." yep, that is exactly what i am looking for in a life mate!

Perhaps people aren't reading my question correctly. I don't suppose that anyone would mind if your parents' friends set you up with their son/daughter, and you guys end up dating and eventually marrying. Modern arranged marriages are just that. A girl (who came from a culture where arranged marriages are the norm) I went to high school with met her future husband when she was 16 and "dated" him for six years. She could have said no after she finished university, but she didn't and married him. Another girl from high school (who isn't from a culture where people have arranged marriages) recently married a guy she met at a ski trip. He's the son of a family friend.

i guess we aren't. when i hear arranged marriage, i think of my friend's parents going to india, meeting a few women, deciding which ones they liked and then introducing them to sam. sam met them, decided which one he liked the most and then got engaged. and this all happened within the course of a week. it will be one year before they are actually married, but she lives in india and he lives in the us, so they do have some time to get to know one another.

eta: when his older sister got engaged, his parents narrowed it down from 72 men to 12. and she didn't like any of those 12, but had to pick ONE of them.

as for people who end up marrying a friend of the family, that is totally not an arranged marriage. arranged marriage implies that the couple has no choice....or very little choice in whom they marry. to me, that sounds like a cute coincidence.

where the bride and groom meet each other well before the intended wedding date, get to know each other, and then get to make the ultimate decision on whether to marry or not?

Isn't this what is supposed to happen in any relationship? You get to know someone before you decide to marry them? :confused:

Sign me up! An arranged marriage would eliminate all the drama that results from my parents not liking the guys I date, and trust me, for that reason alone it would be worth it. :)

I don't consider the situation you described to be an "arranged" marriage. I have a co-worker who is from Pakistan and his marriage was arranged. His mother and sisters got to choose his bride. He was thrilled that they picked one of his sisters' best friends because it was someone he knew and felt comfortable around. He went to Pakistan to marry her and they have a baby now, but she still lives in Pakistan because, since 9/11, it's very difficult to get anybody from the Middle East over here. Regardless, he had no choice and could not back out. THAT is an arranged marriage. The other is just a blind date and those have been happening for a long time.

Dee

My best friend is Persian, and her mom and dad had an arranged marriage. They've made it work, but because they came from very different backgrounds and have somewhat different values, it has definitely been a struggle. I can't imagine an arranged marriage!!!

The latter is actually how many more modern families in South Asia do thier marriages.

So families in South Asia arrange blind dates, then?

I think the majority of us have a similar idea of what arranged marriages are: two separate familiies that set forth on arranging a marriage for a bride and a groom, where, in most cases, the bride and groom don't have a say.

The families call it "marriage" because they aren't really supposed to date other people the way we date other people. How I believe it works is that the families decide that their kids are good for each other, then arrange for them to meet, go on "dates", from anywhere from months (if they're older) to years (if they're teens) and then have the kids decide later on. Most do decide to marry, but some do not. That's how it works in the more progressive/modern families. Of course, there still are more traditional families that do it the "old fashioned" way. I would prefer to marry a man that my parents approve of than someone that they do not (but would allow me to marry him because it's "my choice"). Too many people today just marry someone because of THEIR feelings, which may very well lead to "issues" with the family.

Another note: I guess the "modern" arranged marriages are really semi-arranged.

I'm curious, in those arrangements, how comfortable the "kids" would actually feel saying "Sorry Mom and Dad, but the boy/girl you picked is a pig" or whether it really just appears to be a choice. In other words, do they feel too pressured by the situation to say no?

Dee

I've always thought arranged marriages were like everyone else has said ... two families basically decide who their son/daughter is going to marry.

The movie "Bend it Like Beckham" kind of illustrates that idea because the family portrayed in that movie is from India.

Another example of an arranged marriage is kind of like how "back in the day" the King and Queen of ABC country would make a contract with another King & Queen and basically say their children will marry each other. :confused:

The second part to the arranged marriages question does sound more like a blind date than anything.

TauAlumna, what you're talking about sounds like what some people are calling courtship. I've seen it done several ways. In one, the 2 sets of parents are involved and one set goes to the other and asks permission for their child to become involved in a relationship with the goal of marriage to the other. This bothers me and I don't know how much choice their children have--or think they have. I hear that many American and Canadian homeschooling families pursue this.

The other form is done by the young people themselves...I've seen it undertaken by several college-aged couples. They don't really date anyone until they meet someone they're interested in pursuing marriage with and then they date with marriage in mind from the very start.

If that's all that you are aware of, it could work. In a sociecty where we are aware of our choices, I believe that an arranged marriage equals arranged misery.

Taualumna....
So are you saying that you agree with arranged marriages? Like you would want one yourself?

Sorry, but I believe marriage is about me and my loved one and if our families truly love us, they'll make it work and if not, screw them....OK, I'm a bit jaded and bitter right now because my Dad hates my boyfriend, but my mother said she just wants me to be happy...thanks Mom:)

Yes I definitely would agree to one, as long as we (the guy and myself) have time to get to know each other and we get to make our own decision as to whether to pursue the marriage or not. I would never marry a man my parents don't approve of. I don't like disappointing my family.

I agree with you. I'm not looking for someone who fits my parents views....because THEY'RE not the ones marrying him. And I know, that no matter what, my parents just want me to be happy, and they trust me....so any decision I will make, they're going to support me....eventually.

Only in backwards areas do people have arranged marriages where you have no say. Most Arab countries where women have no rights are like that. Iranians introduce you and you're expected to marry them shortly but you can say no and see other recommendations. There are no long times for falling in love and more than likely you don't marry just for love so it doesn't happen before the marriage.

You don't have people marrying and divorcing, marriages in Vegas, a wife that hates the husband's family, etc. There is much more stablity and you don't have the problems that hound American couples.

-Rudey

Rudey, I PMed you!

I knew a girl in highschool who spend her senior year engaged and married shortly after graduation. She said that she was lucky that she was allowed to graduate. In her culture girls were married immediately at 18 or even younger. She was sincerely happy and excited about her wedding and her life as a wife. While my classmates and I were applying to college, she was planning her wedding. When we graduated, the school had a list of the seniors and our colleges. Next to her name, they wrote "Wedded Bliss." She said that she could choose the groom, but they were introduced when she was 16 and engaged the summer before senior year. I am not sure how much choice she really had in the matter. I have no idea if/how this worked out because I haven't kept in touch.

I'd so go for an arranged marriage. I've already proved that I don't do a good job of picking my own men... I trust my parents' judgement. I don't really believe you "fall" in love, I believe it develops and is mainly decision and action, so I think it could work.

actually, you don't have divorces because you are not allowed to get divorced. you will shame your family...and you will be damaged goods (so to speak). what you do have is a high rate of adultery- although it is the man who is the cheater bc the woman isn't allowed. you also have very unhappy marriages because two people don't have anything in common. you also don't have the happy family thing you may expect. in my friend's family, his mother is completely mistreated by his father's family. his parents have been married more than 30 years and it has never gotten better. mainly what you get is two people who are forced to stay together even tho they don't want to and they are basically miserable...and then bring that miserableness to the family that they are supposed to have becuase their parents said so.

That makes no sense and you have no statistics on it, just the experience of one friend. I don't care if you had the experience of 10 friends. I have the experience of someone in the culture. Someone that knows parents have the child's interests at heart. Parents that know it's not good for either party to be miserable. I don't even know where the adultery came from. What culture is it where adultery is easy, whore houses plentiful, and arranged marriages the norm? I'd love to know.

Nobody is claiming in these countries that there aren't backwards cultures where women are treated badly - just that these marriages have worked out well for many people and avoid divorce as well as the problems leading to divorce because they force you to consider the immediate and extended family as opposed to yourself.

-Rudey
--And I would know about a couple hundred families who enjoy life more and never fight - all arranged marriages.

Well, there were definitely lots of brothels in pre-communist China. However, guys were allowed to have multiple wives as well. In China, back in those days, having lots of wives was like guys today having lots of techy-gagets and cars (and I guess us girls having lots of shoes and purses?) But that was a long time ago when women didn't have as much freedom as they do today.

Rudy,

But isn't it true that in cultures that practice arranged marriages, it is done out of necessity. But I wonder rudy, how easy is it for women in Iran (or other countries that predominately practice arranged marriages) to get a divorce if they are unhappy with the marriage? there are all sorts of stigmas attached to divorced women. Its not easy. I am from one of those countries and trust me, families (extended) get involved..and most families try to avoid that..so they don't get divorced. drama drama drama.

But to each his own. I know of many people who have had arranged marriages, and they seem to be getting along (or so I think ..)

i dont consider it an arranged marriage if either party can say "thanks but no thanks" at any time during the courtship

AOcutie,

But nowadays most arranged marriages you can say "thanks but no thanks"! you might get pressured..but you can opt out of it.

I read an article about arranged marriages in the Utne reader. If I can find it, maybe I'll transcribe it. Pretty much, the author said that in most "successful" arranged marriages, a deep respect forms between both parties--which is essentially happens in most marriages.