Mother Drama Dilemma
 

Greetings Everyone,

I need some advice from SistaFriends.

What do you do when you have a conditional mother? Meaning, it's her on her terms or none at all. And if there not her terms your disrespecting her?

Every since I was a child my mother has said "The Bible says honor your mother and father..." If she doesn't agree with me or likes something that I'm doing, she says, "The Bible says...."

Now I don't think I disrespect her; I've never talked back to her, I'm not on drugs, I'm 33 single and w/o kids (don't like that, but that's where I am right now:( ).

I tried surprising her on Thanksgiving (b/c I haven't seen her face in about 3 years or so), but she didn't answer her door (and I know she was there). When I spoke to her the following day, she says, "I'm not one for surprises you should have called." Then she goes on a tangent with, "Why do you and other people think that I'm suppose to be sitting in the house waiting for someone to come over." Now, I never expect her to sit anywhere and wait for me, but I thought I'm her only surviving child, what's the big deal.

She asks me did I surprise my father (they've been divorced since I was 8 yrs old). My father doesn't care when I come over, just come. And the other thing, she constantly compares me to a man she says she hates and "Stupid."

I want to tell her that I'm tired of her comparisons, and making me feel horrible when I don't agree with her, but if I do, she'll condemn me to HELL with the, "The Bible says..."

I know this is a lot, but it's been bothering me and I need some advice from impartial/unbiased women that may have gone thru this before or currently going thru it.

Thanks in advance for your help.

SF,

I hope I"ll be more of a help than a hinderance here, but where she's right about the Bible saying that you should honor your mother and father (that your days will be longer upon the earth) you shouldn't honor anyone that doesn't honor you. It also says that parents shouldn't provoke their children to wrath! Wonder if she read that part?

Anyway, I'm not in your position, but it seems as though you've done what you can as far as a child trying to get closer to their parents and she's turning from that. It may be time to back off a little. If she doesn't want surprise visits, then fine. Maybe just phone her every once in a while, but do what you've done knowing that you have done the best you can do. No one can fault you or blame you for that. Don't let her continually try to take you on a guilt trip. And who knows? Sounds like she may be feeling guilty about not being the type of mother that you needed (or need) and the only way she knows how do deal with you is with a long-handled spoon.

My biological 'seed donor' tried that mess with me about 10 years ago, telling me that I need to call my grandmother. Well, I never had a relationship with them, and I told him that she could have just as easily called me as I could call her. Why wait until I'm grown, married, with a child of my own to try to become my grandmother?

Anyway, I digress. . . as I've said, don't take a trip anywhere you don't want to go.

Hey,

First, I am sorry to hear about the relationship that you and your mother has.

I agree with Btb87 and just wanted to add that you can "honor your mother..." by of course praying for her and just continuing to be nice and kind to her, even though you may feel that she doesn't deserve it.

SF,

I am so sorry to hear what's going on with your MOm. I know it must have hurt when she didn't come to that door...but my advice is that...

Your Mom is right... that is what the Bible says...and though she may be treating you wrong...and provoking you...that doesn't mean that you should not do what you are supposed to do (according to the Bible). Continue to be kind and love her....but from a distance if necessary. You can only control and be accountable for your own actions. If she's wrong let God deal with her, but do your part as the daughter by respecting her and loving her. YOU should want to have a clear conscience if anything should happen...

Hope I was of some help.

Mother drama
 

First off I'm a male so I can't be a sister friend:) but I can offer a little advice if you want. In life there are some people that you can only love from a distance(meaning if your around them to much either your blood pressure will shoot pass the roof or you'd kill them neither which is good) Secondly your mother seems to have some deep rooted anger going on,if possible maybe you can get her to open up and talk about it.You may be surprised by some of the things that happened in her life, if all this fails rest knowing you did all that is humanly possible to help your relationship. You'll be some what sad but live life to the fullest never allow anyone to steal your joy even if it's family member.


Disclaimer:All my views are only from the stand point of a male a female may totally disagree w/all or part of the above statements.

I agree and I just want to add that you have done your part as a child. Maybe it would help YOU to write her a letter telling her how you feel, but when you are ready you can decide if you want to mail it to her.

Question: How is her relationship with her own mother? You said you are the only surviving child, how was her relationship with your siblings while they were alive? What is her relationship like with people in general?

StrangeFruit,
It sounds as if your mother might be suffering from depression and holding some deep seeded resentments. Do you look like your father? Maybe she experienced a deep hurt and deals with it by surpressing all emotions. You said you are her only surviving child. Did other children die at birth or more recently?

Regardless what the Bible says about honoring your Father and Mother, you do need to tell her how you feel. This is a matter of generating respect between two adults and she needs to recognize you as such. If this does not work than you need to put some distance between you and she and work on repairing your own self esteem that can't help but be damaged by this situation. And I am telling you this from the perspective of the mother of a 32 year.

Good luck.

Thank you all for your advice.

To answer some questions:

My grandmother (mom's mother) died when my mother was 18 years old, but from what she tells me, their relationship wasn't that ideal.

My mother had my sister when she was 16 years old and my sister was killed in 1973 (she was 7, I was 2-so I don't remember her-only thru photos). So I know that will always be with my mother and I understand that.

My mother was almost raped when she was a child and as an adult was in an abusive marriage (my father was abusive towards her).

I get all that and understand that she's in pain. But she would never really come out and say that. I've been told that she may need or may have needed counseling in regards to my sister, but I don't think it was common -kids killing kids, in 1973, so there wasn't a lot of support groups as today. And I don't think she would have participated even if there was.

From my eyes, my mother doesn't think anythings wrong with her, she's always right, someone is always doing something to HER, not her doing anything to anyone.

Let me say that my mother (before she put me out in 1992) exposed me to a lot of positive things, and protected me to the best of her ability.

But once she put me out it was as if she rid herself of being a mother. She doesn't really know me as an adult. We haven't had a solid relationship since I was 21 and as mentioned I just turned 33.

She constantly compares me to my father, whom she says is a pathological liar, selfish, stupid, etc.

I don't know how to tell her that I don't want to be compared to my father, that I don't want to be part of a conversation where all she's doing is throwing verbal daggers at me (She has a knifed tongue) in way that she doesn't take it as me being disrespectful and dishonoring my mother.

To the brotha AXEAM: I appreciated what you gave. I addressed SistaFriends b/c it seems that the son-mother relationship is much different from the daughter-mother relationship. And it's seems unnatural to have a distant relationship with your mother. I understand and know this and have such relationships with others, but it doesn't seem right when it's your mother.

To Crimsontide: I think I answered your questions, but one other thing is my mother often compared me to my sister. She would ask me to give her a "pedicure" almost everyday. Some days I didn't want to and she would say, "If Lisa (my sister) was here she would do it." So sometimes I felt like I was competing.

I want to be able to tell her how I feel w/o her saying, "The Bible says..""
And if I told her the part about the parents don't provoke your kids, her reply would be, "Well that's not in the Ten Commandments, the first commandment says honor your mother..."

This situation makes me WANT TO HOLLLA :eek:

StrangeFruit,

Wow!! Thanks for sharing. It seems like you and your mother have survived/endured a lot in one lifetime. From what I can gather, sounds like the relationship that your mother had with her mother might be a parallel to your own. Plus having lost an older sibling further embittered your mother. I am truly sorry that you have had to go through this. But you know everything happens for a reason (hate to be clicheish but it is true). . . I hope that this relationship that you have with your mother will be an example of what type of mother not to be to your own children if you ever become a parent.

Do you have a mother/daughter like relationship with any older women that you know or work with? Ask God to send you that type of woman into your life because it sounds like you need one.

I am really sorry about this. Do you have a journal? You are truly in my prayers. :(

I have one of those mother's a true love/hate relationship. The only thing that keeps me from seriously just completely cutting her off sometimes is the knowledge that I would be held accountable for those actions. I completely agree with the advice that LoveSpell6 gave you above, I find that I have to limit my time around her and curb the conversations with her away from sensitive subjects. One thing you must remember though, YOU are grown, and the way that your mother acts isn't a reflection on you. I had the hardest time with that, I would be embarrassed because of some of her antics...until I realized that we are two different people and I can't control her thoughts or actions.

Sometimes you really must learn to love people from a distance. This is the only mother you have, so I wouldn't suggest just severing ties with her, just limit your exposure to the point of less aggravation.

PM me if you ever need to talk!

StrangeFruit,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I agree with all of the advice that everybody gave.

I just wanted to add to not become bitter with your mother. I hate to say this, but sometimes, we have to go through something in order to humble ourselves. I would hate for your mother to endure that, but if it happens, make sure you're there for her.

I'll be with you in prayer!

Strangefruit

I understand you don't want to have distance in your relationship w/ your mother and feel it's wrong, but sometimes in life things are not wrong or right just the only way.


Good luck.......but if you feel yourself wanting to kill her, or you feel yourself about to have an heart attack......move back.

Strangefruit,

My heart and prayer goes out to you and to your mother. If only we are all aware of our own actions and the affects it has on our loved ones.

There is a book entitled "Daughter" by Asha Bendele (sp?). It is a fictional story but it touches among some of the things you are dealing with from the Mother's point of view. It may help you see her perspective, but more importantly I think it will help you realize that this is probably not about her not loving you, but rather about her own issues.

StrangeFruit,

I know it may be hard to hear, but you can't choose your mother. Sometimes you have to make a decision about what is healthy for YOU. If your mother is being that cold to you, maybe you should rethink your relationship with her. Many people may oppose what I'm saying because many people believe that you should never say or think anything negative about your mother but I don't believe that. The truth is the truth. You wouldn't accept that type of behavior or attitude from anyone else, would you? You should never allow anyone to take away your self-esteem or joy. You should try your best to eliminate all negativity. Be happy!

I agree
 

IMO, being a mother is a priviledge, not a right. Thus, I owe certain responsibilities to the child I CHOSE to bring into this world. Two are unconditional love and respect. If I don't live up to my end of the bargain, I certainly wouldn't expect my child to honor me. I have a relative who borne three children and left them all to be raised by other relatives in another state 3,000 miles from where she lived. Now she is bedridden and wonders why they aren't at her side. Sad.

Re: I agree
 

See *smh*, that's exactly what I mean. You can't treat your kids any kind of way. You will grow old alone! I don't know why some people don't realize this.

As far as my 'parentperson', she's always chosen to take up with her man, my stepfather over me...I hope they live a long happy life together. I would hate to think how it would crush her if he ever decided to leave, she has basically put off the entire family for this man. *SMH*

Karma is a bia....

Are our Mom's cut from the same tree?
 

SF,

I am truly saddened to read about your situation. I experienced a not so positive experience with my own mother this past holiday.

Like another poster, I believe Carolyne, said it best, you can't choose your mother, but it is imperative that you honor yourself first and foremost and if necessary rethink your relationship with your mother at this time. I have experience first hand what it is like to have a parent who feels that she can put her children through emotional rollercoasters. She (my mother) feels completely justified in being disrespectful to her children because she after all is our parent. What she and so many other parents including yours seems to forget is that not only are we children, we are human beings and grown-up who have the right to be respected and treated with kindness and love.

My advice to you is really evaluate what it is you want in terms of a relationship with your mom. Ask God to give you the strength to make the right decision for you. SF I know this is hard, but always remember that you are accountable for you. IF anyone can love and respect you for the person you are, you must simply bid them peace and move on. The issues your mother has go far beyond you and you are not responsible for her and helping her work through them. She has to be the one. There is nothing wrong with loving her from afar.

I am prayin for you! If you want to talk some more, feel free to e-mail me or PM me. You are not alone.;) ((hugs))

THANK YOU ALL for your words of wisdom. It certainly has helped emotionally and mentally.

I spoke to a BrothaFriend of mine that was around me and my mother during the earlier years (before she booted me out). Actually this friend was my "first" and when my mother found out that I was doin the do, she called me a bitch and said, "I hope you don't get AIDS and he only wants you for you puzzy."

I still remember standing there thinking my own mother just called me a female dog. Now mind you I was a sophmore in college my first time. Although I thought I would marry this man (he married someone else last year ), he and I are still very good friends and he's proably the only outsider that knows the story.

He says (just like a man) :) says my mother needs a man.

I think the type of relationship I've envisioned is unrealistic. I earned my master's degree this past August and didn't tell her that I was even in school; I wanted to surprise her. I planned on meeting her in NYC and taking her out to dinner and SoulCafe or Mecca's and to a broadway show, but since I didn't find that bangin' job right away, my money wasn't right, so I called her and told her and she said she wanted to see it, did I go to a fake school that hands out degrees for knitting. I thought she was joking (she has a dry sense of humor at times) and laughed it off.

I just want a healthy relationship with my mother and I don't think it's healthy right now. I still feel that it's my fault and that I need to do something other than distance myself, but that's what I may have to do, as so many have suggested.

Thanks again for listening or reading.

Peace, Power & Infinite Blessings

StrangeFruit,
Its not your fault that your mother cant/wont respect you for the person you are. For your own sanity and well being, you need to cut her off for a while and get your own self on solid ground.

I agree with Darling1 that you are only accountable for you. If this relationship is draining you, then you need to let it go. That is harsh, but true.

As for the "honor your mother", I always thought that honor, like respect was something that one earned to keep. She has not honored you.

Pray on it, and I'll be praying for you AND her as well.

be blessed.

are we siamese twins??
 

I think I was also a sophomore in college when my mother called me out of my name. I couldn't believe it!!

I know you want a healthy relationship with your mother. What daughter wouldn't? However, you must get to a point where you look at you at your life, who you are and what it is you will and will not accept. You have got to reach a point where you CHOOSE YOU, healthy, happy and peace and you must choose to surround yourself with people that will help you achieve that. Your mother at this time in incapable of that for a variety of reasons. She is a grown woman and it is not your job to help her through what ever stuff she is dealing with. We honor our parents by taking the positive lessons we've learned from them and applying them to our lives. We honor our parents by being good parents. We don't honor them by enabling their behavior. My mother believes that by virtue of that fact that she gave birth to me and my siblings, it entitles her to act like a child and not respect us. It is safe to say this thinking is true for your mother. That is simply not so. Our parents don't own us.

SF, I think that there is guilt running all through you. For me, I had to cut ties, surround myself with positive people and go through some serious therapy to get to where I am today. This may not work for you but it has helped me and many of my friends who have dealt with dysfunctional families.

Whatever you feel may work for you to deal with this, I suggest now is the time to seek those methods out. You need to take care of you so that you can ultimately forgive yourself and then begin the process of forgiving your mother. It is then can you truly enjoy your life and all that it entails.

I am praying for you!

Unless both of you are laughing its not a joke, if you have to question at all the intent of the punchline its not a joke. Making excuses for your mom's bad behavior is not going to land you in the good daughter category - it will only leave you confused, angry and bitter.

In order to have a healthy relationship both parties have to want it...and from what you have written that doesn't seem to be the case right now. Please don't take on responsibility for your mothers actions or choices she has made. You are only responsible for your own. Seek out and accept the type of nuturing relationship that you need elsewhere. It took a long time for me to realize that the relationship I was seeking was there all along-people who supported me and stood behind me no matter what. I just had to stop feeling guilty about having this type of relationship with someone other than my mom....and guess what? in time my mom has started to treat me as an adult. I have no idea if we'll ever have the type of relationship that I'd want to have with my own daughter...but I've accepted that she's doing the best she can...even if her best isn't good enough for me...and there's nothing to feel guilty about acknowledging your own needs.

Nothing about this is your fault. Its just the hand you were dealt with. I agree with the others who have encouraged you to pray on this, the correct answer for you will come.