Could this be an abusive situation?
 

OK, I have a brother which is 6 years younger than me which means he is 16 years old. He calls me fat every chance he gets and makes a big deal out of it. He says things like. "She's fat. She needs to get away from me" or "You need to lose some weight because you're so fat and ugly."

Whenever I say something, he makes it a point to say that either I didn't pronounce it right or it wasn't the way I should have said it. Yesterday, I was talking about Abercrombie and Fitch and when I said Abercrombie, he felt it necessary to point out, in a sarcastic and loud manner, that is was such and such way instead of the way I said it.

About five minutes before I sat down at my parents computer to type this, he jerks my arm practically out of the socket and he jerks me out of the chair onto the floor. He then proceeds to sit in the chair and knocks me off of my screenname on AOL. My dad finally made him leave and now I am typing this.

I can say yes.

I know you said he's 16, but he needs his butt whipped. Teenage boys are supposed to be a little bratty (I've taught classes full of them), but it sounds like this is way beyond that, especially the physical violence part.

He should not be using ANY kind of physical force toward you...I had to reread this because at first I thought you said he was 6. That would have made sense.

yea my arm still hurts and it's been a good 15-20 minutes since. My parents don't do anything about it. They just tell ME to get over it, and I should just walk away from the whole situation. It wouldn't be so bad if my dad hadn't been abusive so my educated guess is that my brother learned it from my dad.

My brother thinks he's the sh*t and is above and beyond what people tell him to do and can't do. His excuse for jerking me out of the chair was that he hadn't been on the Internet and that I had probably been on the Internet all day, which I hadn't. This is my first time all day of being online. I got on to check my email and greekchat. Right now, he's not allowed on the Internet for the rest of the night, I think. If it were up to me, I'd jerk his license away and kick his butt from here to Altoona. Unfortunately, I am only his older and only sister/sibling and can't do anything because I am not the parent.

I realize he shouldn't resort to physical violence for anything no matter how large or small the situation is. What should I do? The police where I live won't do anything because they are small town cops that don't know how to do their jobs and are afraid of reporting anything due to the fact they don't want anyone they know or are related to to be front page news on the local rag they call a newspaper.

You definitely need to talk to someone who can help you get out of the situation. Maybe your minister? Or is there a teacher at your old high school that you trust?

Unfortunately, people with abusive tendancies don't usually get "better" without intervention, so I don't think you should count on him to outgrow the way he's acting. It's waaaaay beyond teenage brattiness. For goodness sake, the kid's old enough to drive and he's doing that?!?!?!?

According to your first post, you are 22. Will you be graduating soon? Is there anyone else you could stay with when you're not at school? It really sounds like you would be better off staying somewhere else.

I'm truly sorry about your situation :(

Thanks, KR. No, unfortunately, there's no one I can stay with for any length of time while I am not at school. Yes, I am graduating in 3 weeks on December 20th. When he was little, he would kick me, pinch me, hit me. He still does it. My parents said I should move back in with them after graduation but that would be an unhealthy proposition simply based on the fact that now both my dad and brother are abusive and I'd be almost 23 years old. Also, I am a true believer that once you reach your twenties you should be on your own unless there are extreme reasons why you should be living at home for any period (i.e. divorce, loss of home due to disaster, etc.) They want me to move back in with them so I can save money even though they said they'd pay the rent and utilities and health/car insurance/taxes until I get through with law school. BTW, I am graduating with my Bachelor's in December.

I didn't go to high school or church here where my parents now reside. They moved 2 hours away from my hometown. I can't go back there because I may have a job lined up in Charlotte, NC and I am originally from the Greenville, SC area. There is no one I can go to to try to intervene in this horrible situation. I am really stuck in between a rock and a hard place with this one.

I agree with ya KR that he's old enough to contain his temper, especially about Internet usage. He says that I have my own computer (which is at my apartment) and he doesn't come over and use my computer (which he does). He said I shouldn't take over when I come here (which I don't . . . I have other things to do). What he means by taking over is, I shouldn't be using HIS bathroom (which is supposed to be shared between me and him)(this also includes taking a bath, drying/curling my hair, and doing my personal business), use my parents computer (which I have full permission to do so by way of my parents), sit in the computer room which he claims to be his extra room because he has his TV, DVD, and Playstation in.

This is a highly abusive situation. You need to learn to control it, or you will find yourself sliding into abusive relationships for years to come. You need to talk with your parents and tell them that if they don't control your brother (this is not your job), and you are physically asaulted again, then you will call the police. And you must follow through and do this. Calling the police on your brother will help him out in the long run, and its better that he be arrested while he is still a juvenile. If you do not feel comfortable taking charge like this, then you need to seek the help of a counselor immediately.

You can also tell them that you won't return home (even for visits) unless he is not present or they keep him under control.

As the previous poster said, with those conditions growing up you are at high risk to end up in an abusive relationship and, even though you might be doing well now, counseling to try to counteract that is not a bad idea. We are so affected by the household in which we grew up.

Dee

Calling the police for jerking you out of a chair and hurting your arm sounds a bit extreme. Thats an assault charge and can follow him even as a juvenile offender.

You didn't mention other violence? He sounds verbally abusive. I am not there so I am not sure if it goes beyond normal-extreme sibling teasing and you are just maybe ovesensitive. Especially if no one else sees a problem. I understand Dad is abusive, but you would think that would make him want to control your bother more rather than less.

At 22 you shouldn't need to run to your parents for protection . . I don't know. It sounds like the people who suggested you move are right.

I am not trying to run to my parents for protection. They should have bitten this in the bud a long time ago. It is not my job to punish him because I am not the parent. I am turning to my parents to punish him, help him, or whatever for his actions. To me, this isn't running to my parents for protection. It is trying to bring it to their attention he needs extensive help, more than I or they could do. He is the baby and they treat him as if he is such even though he's 16 years old. He paints a pretty good picture of himself to others and resorts to blaming me or others for what he did.

I am a pretty tough person but when I am called a b*tch for not doing something exactly to his orders then I am offended by his verbal antics. This morning he said, "Visiting here isn't a fat ride, just to let you know." This was after not doing something exactly to what he commanded for me to do.

Your brother is a teenager and as such is having a hard time controlling his anger that you are "invading" his space and he has no control over it. The next time he does something like that you need to put a stop to this, by telling him that you and he are getting too old for this, if he needed to use the computer all he had to do was arrange times good for both you, and if he can't start treating you with some respect that you'll avoid him at home and he can't come visit you. Tell him who that a brother is supposed to be the one protecting his sister not the one who makes you hurt/feel bad. And finally (if nothing else is getting thru) you should tell him that he is becoming like his father and if your brother can do this to you he'll do this to a girlfriend some day. A lot of times people don't realize what they're doing is what their parents did and they swore they would never do. At least by having this conversation your treating him like an adult now, and hopefully the tide will change.

I hope these talking points work, I just tried to think what would have gotten thru to my older brother when he almost killed me a couple times (suffocation, drowning, hurt feelings, etc). We have a good relationship now, but he still pisses me off when he makes a remark. But then he always apologizes because he can't stand my not talking to him.

I've been thinking about your situation, and it just seems to me that your parents should be the ones to "do something about" his behavior. You are not his mother; it's not up to you. Talk to your parents. Insist that they work with him to get his behavior under control before he turns into something worse. And I like whoever's idea it was to tell your parents that you will not be coming home until your brother is straightened out.

Agreed!!! I once had to tell my parents that I wasn't coming home for christmas unless my mom got some help (she was definitely verbally abusive due to a mental imbalance). I believe it worked, because she has gotten sooo much better since then!!

Oh my! Everyone has offered such good advice. I really hope you take it! It COULD improve if your brother gains some maturity, but it could also escalate! If you were his older brother,
I bet you would have knocked the you know what out of him by now.

Either or both-he knows you won't retaliate- he knows your parents are closing their eyes-denying a problem exists-hoping it will go away! Take care of yourself.

From someone who is a child abuse survivor, let me tell you this:
Unless the cycle is stopped with you (ie you ain't gonna take this isht), history will only repeat itself!

Press charges and DO NOT BACK DOWN FOR ANYTHING! If you do, it will show him that he can get away with it. And he will continue to do it. If he ain't abusing you, it will be his girlfriend or someone else. You have to nip it in the bud and if it takes his butt going to jail, then that's what it has to be!

Make a pact that you are mad as hell, not scared to follow through (ie scared silent) and you will not take it from ANYONE anymore.

Take it from someone who has been there. Hugs to you and good luck

Sorry to those who have said otherwise, but from someone who volunteers with a domestic violence organization, this is a classic case of "learning the behavior". It's very common for a children in DV situations to think that the behavior they see is perfectly acceptable and to copy it. And in a DV situation, the verbal abuse is often worse than the physical stuff. It's all about control.

I would call a domestic violence hotline, they can probably give you a host of local resources/options to pursue and the police should be at the top of the list. Staying away may be your best option, but that's for you to decide.

I would find a way to get the hell out of that situation in a hurry. If it mean two jobs to support yourself on your own then so be it. It will only get worse if you stay.

You deserve not to be abused physically/verbally/emotionally. You deserve a sense of security. You deserve peace of mind. Dont settle for anything less....ever. Further more, dont open your doors to your brother or anyoen else abusive. Call the cops. Who cares if they are small town and someone's rep is on the line. Who cares if your parents will get pissy. You need to take care of YOU....

Simply put, if one has has to ask, then yes it is! :(

I really appreciate all of ya'lls help and advice. I am researching local domestic abuse hotlines because I really want my brother to get help. I think what is most frightening is approaching my parents because I have told them, especially my mom, he and my dad have problems. I have told my dad and my brother they have problems and they, of course, deny it.

I am glad I can get on greekchat and people are there to support me and others when we can't go to anyone else.

I am moving out after graduation to my own apartment in Rock Hill. In the fall of 2004, I will be going to law school to specialize in family law to represent those men and women that are in the same position I am or in international law to join the CIA. Either way, I'll get out of dodge and won't be back. Both jobs will be healing experiences for me.

BTW, I have only been in one abusive relationship that lasted 3 months and, fortunately, I am out of that!

I think I'd walk away from the whole situation... the whole family. Get over it my A$$...