Cheating Husband???
 

Please give me your opinion.... sorry might be long...

My best friend's husband cheated on her about a year ago. She had no clue, until she found an email (on their home account) that he forgot to delete. The email was pretty graphic and detailed several meetings that had taken place. There was no clue he had something going on. She confronted him, he admitted. They fought and fought for several days. They decided to work it out, since they have kids (she was pg with #2 at the time). My friend banned him from the computer-- home email, porn, etc.

Jump to current day---my computer at home has been acting up---homepage constantly being reset, overload of porn popup. The only people who use the computer--me, my husband, and my 21yr old cousin. My husband and I use the laptop--cousin uses the desktop- the one w/ problems. I mentioned something about the computer. She told me, "you do know that "Joe" is coming over right, while you are at work" I asked her what she was talking about --apparently my friends husband comes over during the day and uses my computer, when my cousin gets her, he leaves. (We live next door to my friend and her husband-they have the garage door code). This suddenly explained the popups, etc.

The only reason I can come up with for him being here--is he can talk with the g-friend without getting caught. We do have a cable connection , while they have dial-up. So if you are looking at porn, cable is much better. And to never tell me that he uses my computer is kind of strange.

So what would you do--- a.) ignore b.) confront him c.)try to catch him???

And seriously, what would be the reason for him being on my computer without ever saying anything to me?

Opinions please!!
Thanks,
wendi

if he is as dumb as he sounds. just check your computer's history. it should show all the website the pc has visited from the last month.

also, if you want to see if he is writing emails and stuff, put in a keylogger on your computer you think he's using. the key logger captures everything that is typed on your pc and you can either email it or have it stored somewhere.

He sounds like a dumbass. Tell him that he may never use your computer again, or you will go straight to his wife.

Tell your friend about this.

i think she should get proof that he is doing this before she goes and says anything...

I agree. It sounded to me that she was very sure of what was going on. She does not have to accuse him of anything, simply tell her friend that he is using her computer.

No. she needs to document it. It's her computer. Why can't she monitor it?

-Rudey
--Fry the bastard.

I don't think it should be alphagam-alum's responsibility to play spy. She can check the comps history and temp files. Maybe the cookies... I wouldn't know where to begin if it were me. The guy is using a computer behind his wifes back knowing exactly why she wants him to stay away from them. If alphagam-alum knows that much for sure, I think that's enough to start. Tell the friend. Then, if the friend wants some type of proof as to what the husband is doing on the comp, they can go from there.

um, maybe he's not talking with his 'girlfriend' . . . maybe he's just looking at porn?

It doesn't make any sense to me that he's banned from a computer. Looking at pornography didn't make him cheat, and his wife is not somehow substandard if he chooses to look at porno. It's ridiculous that a grown man is 'banned' from looking at pornography.

I think this guy's being dumped on with no proof at all.

I agree that pornography is not the cause for his infidelity. Whether or not he is actually cheating on his wife, he shouldn't be surfing for porn on someone elses computer without their permission.

It sounds to me that he is ashamed of what he is doing, and he doesn't want anyone to know about it, so he hasn't told alphagam-alum that he is using her computer.

Put Windows 2000 or Windows XP on there and don't give him the password.

I agree. Sometimes people tend to resent the person who gives bad news, so maybe you should just keep quiet but make sure he can't use your computer anymore (cheating and everything aside, that's just plain weird and creepy to go in someone's house without their knowledge and use their computer).

Absolutely.

What a selfish jerk this guy's being. Help her put a case together for her soon to be pending divorce. Put this punk out on the street.

Wendi, tell him to stay the hell off of your Computor!

For lack of calling him a dick head, lets call him a jack off!:mad:

You do not need to get in the middle of this mess!:(

Definitely set up some password protection. There are a few ways to do this.. PM me if you can't figure it out on your computer. I'd also want to confront him on the computer use. I would NOT like the idea of someone coming into my home and using my things without permission or without my knowledge! Can you change the garage code too?

Dee

The BAD thing no one's mentioned yet is that if he gets into child porn or something else illegal, it's WENDI that will get hung with it. It's on her computer at her address....no way to prove it wasn't her family doing it.

I personally would be pissed enough to snoop and get some evidence on him. But I don't know that I would use it unless necessary. (If they got a divorce, I would use the evidence to nail him in court if he was actually cheating...but then the friend might get upset because you didn't tell her) DEFINITELY change the garage code, locks, everything...Have all the bad stuff cleaned off the computer, install password protection, keep the password in you wallet (NEVER near the computer) and change it often. (I can't stand the thought of anyone just having free access to my house whenver they feel like it. UGH!!!!)

If you're feeling especially mean, you can spy enough to see if he's going into any porn chat rooms and "soliciting", tell the cops the delimma and see if they want to go into the same chat room and nail him. They would have to come to your house and arrest him while he's there during the day, though.....otherwise he would deny everything and point the finger at you. (Yes....PsychTau can be VERY devious when necessary!!!:D )

Tough situation! :(

I second the suggestion of password-protecting your computer. This includes using password protection with your screen saver, in case you forget to log out. Do this on both your laptop and your desktop.

You can also enable parental controls, either directly on your machine or through your ISP. Parental controls should block at least some of the porn sites, and you can explicitly deny access to anything it doesn't catch.

Then, I'd talk to your friend, and show her your browser's history files as proof.

I wouldn't confront him directly - but be prepared that he may confront you when he finds his access has been cut off.

Take care. :)

(btw, I like ariesrising's idea too ;) )

I wouldn't tell his wife about it. Although she's a friend, the last thing you need is to be involved with something like that. They'll pull you into the middle of it and they could turn it around onto you and make you the scapegoat for all their problems. I went through something similar with a friend. I caught her boyfriend a few times at a party hooking up with other girls. He also confided in me several time that he didn't love my friend. I told her and, of course, he denied it. They turned it around on to me and claimed that I was making it up because I didn't want to see them happy. :rolleyes: People will do weird things when they don't want to leave someone they thought they trusted.

The best thing to do would be to password protect your computer. Next, restrict porn sites from being accessed from your computer. Also, you're going to want to clear out the crap porn websites puts onto your computer. Porn sites are infamous for putting spyware onto your computer which tracks all your surfing patterns. Delete your cookies and then download AdAware. AdAware will get rid of all the spyware.

Good advice here.

I don't understand one thing though. Are you saying he just walks in your house during the middle of the day with no one there to use your computer?

Or someone (your cousin) is there and lets him in to use it?

If the second is true its not that bad.

Side note: I agree with ksigrc, he shouldn't be "banned" from the computer by his wife. Also, he is kind of pathetic to allow his wife to ban him.

Maybe if alpgagam-alum cuts him off he can go find where his wife hid his balls and start using his own computer system. BTW he can splurge for a cable modem. :)

I absolutely agree!!!!!!!!!!

I'd have a little word with him too. Damn cheek of the man! Thinking about it though changing the passwords etc though will let him know you *know* what he's been doing, perving away. Or, maybe you could check the history of visited sites etc, print out the list of recently visited sites and put it up near the computer. Next time he visits to use it he'll find out you know exactly what's been going on! Also second the Adaware suggestion, might perhaps like to use SpyBot, more powerful and better at removing diallers, keyloggers and other crap he's probably allowed access to your pc.

HAHAHAHAH!

Well here's my take. There's some obvious trust and honesty issues in this relationship that will most likely not change. Even if he does allegedly shape up, she'll never look at him the same way again. All the suggestions like change the garage code or password protect are definitely good, but it doesn't really get to the root of the problem. However, that's not really Wendi's job, but I know that if I were being cheated on/lied to, I'd wanna know even if it really hurt. Maybe not everyone is like that, but brutal honesty smells a lot better than bullsh*t. In the meantime however, you might want to take some precautions to prevent this *sswipe from using your computer. Cause you will be the one feeling the heat if there's any really dirty stuff going on there. Make it apparent to this guy that you know what he's up to. It won't totally fix the problem but it will remedy things from your end. Good luck.

Why don't you change the code on the garage door... Or, get a real mean dog and leave him inside one day. Or, get a silent alarm system installed, and have the cops bust him. This guy sounds like a freak-o. Get him out of the house... I would warn your cousin to watch out for this guy...

2 words.


Wet

Willie.

that'll learn him.

Kitso
KS 361

Thank you everyone for your advice.
Here is what I have done, and my sort of plan of action.

I installed a "chat recorded" on the desktop and a keylogger as well. I figured that way I can at least see the frequency in which he is coming over and what he is doing.
I am going to act like nothing is different, at least until I see his history and logs. At that point I will change the garage door code, and pass word protect the computers.

And yes, James, he is coming into my house while no one is here. My cousin is not letting him in, she comes in and finds him here.

I am debating if I should tell my friend, if I do find anything out. I do believe I will be put in the middle and get the blame. She has made the choice to stay with him before, and I believe that she would not leave if she knew he was cheating again.

The only thing I am really debating, and I am sure I will take crap for this. I have not mentioned anything to my husband. He is very laid back, and under normal conditions couldn't care less if our friends were in the house while we were gone. So i don't want to tell him, have him blow it off, or tell either one of them. Don't get me wrong I will say something to my husband, just not yet.

And I have to say, the more I think about this the more the idea that he is in my house w/o my knowledge creeps me out. If I knew he was here it would not bother me. But little things are popping up in my mind. Things I have said while on the phone, when I am home alone after work, that have later been repeated to me, by him. A month ago, my brother came in town--he and I went to lunch with a friend of mine. NO ONE knew that my friend went with us, we picked her up at work--the next day I was asked how my brother and the other friend got along. I was baffled, but now I am wondering--was he here when my brother and I returned home? The computer room is in the bedroom downstairs--you could easily hid in there and no one would see you. To leave, you could go out the sliding door in the family room, if I was upstairs I would never hear the door or see anything.

I do know that my friends husband would never hurt me or anything like that. I really think he is here looking at porn, or chatting with another woman. But I am now thinking maybe he has been in the hosue when I am home, and I have no clue!!!yikes!!!

Thanks everyone!!!!
wendi

Damn, that is seriously creepy! Besides whatever he's doing on your computer, the simple fact that he's sneaking into your house without permission is dead creepy. Isn't that breaking and entering? HOW does he get in? Change your locks, entrance codes, lock your windows, whatever, make sure he doesn't get in!
Not to creep you out, but when you say you know he wouldn't hurt you -- I bet you wouldn't have thought he'd go sneaking into your house without permission, either!!! Lurking around in your house is some seriously shady business. I would call the cops on him!!!

You are right, I never would have thought he would come into my house without my permission. This is my best friend (since 8th grade and her husband)--we are neighbors, they had my garage door keypad code for emergencies and such. You are right, most trusted people would use the information for only such cases-- never in a million years would I think he would just come into my house.

-wendi

So, not only did he violate his wife's trust by being untrue, he violated your family's trust--and safety--as a result of the original violation. Since he's done all that, there's no telling where he'd stop. Maybe it's best to tell your husband--he may agree with you more than you think. :(

See, this is creeping me out the more I read about it. After getting some logs and figuring out a time of day that this might be happening, I might come home in the middle of the day to catch him. Or, get one of those video cameras hidden in a teddy bear or something and aim it at the computer. I have very creepy things going through my head like.. how big a perv is this guy? If he knows things that have happened when only you are there, that could be very sick. Is anything of yours (thinking intimate apparel wise) missing?

Dee

This just sounds way to creepy to me. I am a very trusting person bit I know if something like this happened to me I would change that code right away. I might not mention it to them and then one day tell them it was changed because strange things were happening.
Doesn't sounds like he would every do anything to hurt anyone, but just the fact that he is entering the house with out any ones person or knowledge is wrong

Well, as my mother always said "You don't try to hide things that don't need to be hidden". If said guy is just maybe borrowing your computer for a midday stock update or something, then why on earth wouldn't he just say "Wendi, is it cool if I come use your computer to check my stocks during the day?" I'd agree to it. But the fact that he's hiding it not only from his wife but from you guys as well (and he's USING your computer in YOUR house) leads me to believe that something is rotten in Denmark. I'd say just go ahead and lock this guy out. You're a far more tolerant person than I. Looks like he needs to face his problems and you should not enable him to continue hiding them. You are in such an awkward position but I'd say you're handling it well.

I'm guessing that even if you told the wife, she might or might not believe you and might or might not care. Your first duty isn't to her -- it's to yourself and your home. I wouldn't want to wait to see what he is doing on my computer. I would want his butt out of my house NOW. The fact that he thinks it's okay to go into your house without you knowing indicates that he's more than a little creepy, as does the fact that he has obviously been there while you've been home without you knowing it. I would change all the codes/locks/anything and I would really think twice about being friends with him. He sounds like a creep of the highest order.

Unless your hubby knows and just never mentioned it? There is a guy code sometimes .. .

Yes, I am aware of the guy code.... but my husband and I have had numerous arguments over the computer. I have repeatedly told him I don't care if he is looking at porn (really i don't care, i probably look at more porn than most). But I told him he needs to be careful with what is getting downloaded and the sites that are being looked at. He tells me it is not him--and a loud argument begins.
So while guy code is always present, I am confident that my husband won't take the blame and listen to me bitch when he knows the neighbor is the real problem.

And I just talked to my hubby. He was very laid back abut the whole thing. After me explaining why it bothered me. He said he would talk to the neighbor tomorrow, which I don't want. I know, at this point, it will all get blamed on me. So, we decided to give it 2-3 weeks, monitor the chat recorders and the keyloggers, after we have some evidence we will change the garage door code, etc.

I am hoping my husband does not say anything to them until I can get some dirt on him.

-wendi

I wouldn't want to cheat :(

I want a happy marriage, where we stay up all night snorting coke.

Snorting coke is a sign of a happy marriage?

Well I can't judge your situation, since I'm not being faced with anything similar, but it seems like you're making this kinda dramatic.

It is never a good idea to involve yourself in another couple's relationship. I don't care how good friends you are, you end up regretting it.

Putting ina keyblogger and monitoring what her husband is doing just seems like a bit much to me- I know you want to be helpful, but that is sooo invasive, and even if he is not cheating, you might find out things that are NOT your business, and that you never wanted to know about your friend or her husband.

Like I said, I cant judge cause it ain't me, but I think you would be wiser to just put in a new password for your internet acccounts and make sure that EVERYONE in your house knows that he is not to have it.

don't record the guy's chats or whatever.

That is absolutely, 100% throwing yourself into the middle of things; if he's 'e-cheating', are you going to tell the wife? No? Then WHY log his activities?

If, as you claim, the violation of your space is the issue, just password-protect your PC, and change the garage door code. The guy has no rights to your space if you don't want him there.

If, as I suspect, you're more hung up on the cheating aspect . . . then you've just inserted yourself into anything that comes out of it, whether it be his cheating, or his leather and studs fethish, or whatever comes out of your keylogging.

I wouldn't want to know, either way, I'd just want him off my shit.

I respectfully disagree. Invasive doesn't even come close to describing his actions of sneaking into the house when nobody is home and nobody knows he's doing it. Anything he is doing on her computer is her business. He made it her business when he decided to sneak his creepy azz into her house to play on the computer.

That said, I really don't see the point of waiting and monitoring his computer activity. Why do you need evidence? Evidence of what? You already know he's coming into the house, and I think that's all the evidence you need to put a stop to it immediately. The rest is between him and his wife.