living together
 

hey folks....i mean, can anyone tell im in a fairly new relationship because i ask about when you say "i love you", and now this? ;) haha

heres the new question. for those of you who live/have lived with your significant other...how long were you together before you moved in? my boy always hints/jokes about it...and i never know what to think! i stay there all the time anyway...and he always says "you might as well move your stuff in and start paying rent" but who knows? hes moving from a 3 bedroom, to a one bedroom loft at the end of november...dum de dum! lol thanks for everyones help :D

roxydiva

My advice to you:

DON'T DO IT!!

I have seen relationship after realtionship fall apart after a couple move in together.

I say wait for a LONG LONG time. Believe me, in the end you wil totally understand.

Mr. valkyrie and I were together for 7 months when he moved in with me. I haven't regretted it once, not even for a second. :)

If you are young-- that is anything younger than late 20s, as a rule, I agree w Firecracker-- wait a long time. Years.

If you are late 20s - older, trust your instincts. Mr amycat and I moving in together after holidays, will be a year and a half.

don't do it.

wait for marriage or if you're really pushing it, engagement with a wedding date ;)

I agree! Be careful.

Ok I'm going to go against the majority here and say you should definately live with a guy before you marry him. Mr. MereMere and I lived together for about a year before we got married and I'm SO glad we did (we did it because I felt it was ridiculous for me to pay rent in one place when I was always at his house!). Just little things like what side of the bed he likes, how he does his laundry, his daily routine in general. I was already used to everything when we got married so it made the transition go alot more smoothly. My parents lived together before they got married and they have been together for 30 years now. If your relationship falls apart because you move in together then it was doomed to fall apart anyway.

Besides, I think its a great way to save money :D

I moved in with Mr.SilverTurtle roughly 9-10 months after we were together.. .and until that time we were in a long distance relationship. I was hesitant (more because of my parents than anything). But it was a practicallity/money issue for us. It is silly to spend all of your time @ one location, but be paying rent, utilities, etc. @ 2 locations.

We've been together 6 years now and are going strong.

I think it really does depend on both people involved.

dont do it.

I've never lived with a guy, but I would suggest that if you do it, try to sign a short term lease, just in case the relationship does fall apart. I have a friend who had been with a guy for 2 or 3 years and they moved in together in June, and they've recently broken up, but they're stuck living together until next June.

Just do it.....

What is the worse that can happen: You NOT like it, break up and move out. Its not that big of a deal. If you dont do it then think of all of the fun you may be missin out on?!

Its a big step but not the end of the world..People do it all the time.

That's how I feel, too. But I'm only 22. Maybe I'd feel differently if I were older (like late 20s).

I think it would be a mistake at a young age (early 20s) unless you had very clear intentions of getting married in the near future- i.e. engaged with a date set.

I don't think it's smart for a woman to move in and 'play the wife' if the guy hasn't stated any clear intentions of marrying her. It seems like too sweet a deal for the guy otherwise.

What I mean is, there are things I would expect to do for a guy I was living with/married to... such as doing some of his laundry, some of his grocery shopping and errands, picking up around the house, some of the cooking and dishes, etc.... that I would probably NOT normally do for someone I was dating but not living with. I don't think I'd want to do all that stuff for someone on a daily basis-- wifely stuff-- unless we were serious enough, and he were committed enough, that we were planning on marriage.

I feel like you can learn a LOT about compatability without formally living together before marriage, assuming you're sleeping together and spending the night at each other's places a good amount of the time.... or at least you know enough about that person's habits/cleanliness/etc to know if there are any major 'deal breakers.' I guess you wouldn't be sharing the bills, but it seems like you'd know how the person was with money (spender vs. saver, huge loans/debt or not...) if you had been dating for a long time, anyway.

And I feel like my parents would hate me shacking up with someone, even if I were 30 and engaged.

I agree with Ivory, unless you are a person that finds it easy to leave bad situations AND you have some place to GO.

LOL. There must be nothing worse than two people economically trapped together.

My boyfriend and I were together over 5 years before we moved in together. Since moving our relationship is actually better (not that it was bad to begin with). After 5 years, however, you really do know someone and were completely aware of each other's idiosyncrasies, so it has worked well for us.

ooh, i like that justification. i would like to move in with my s.o. before marrying him. however, i can already hear my mom screaming bloody murder. it is like the weird unspoken sin. my mom actually did say that the thought was just ridiculous and something she rather not think about.:rolleyes:

I think it is a good idea to live together. Yes it would be nice to have that new expierence when you are first married. The only thing is if you get married and can't handle living with each other drving each other nuts you can end up divorce. I think its better to find out if you can work out and compromise things while living together before marriage. I plan to get married once and stay married so I rather do everything I can to know it will work out more than likely.

Move in together, but only if you're one of those girls that have to clean all the time. I love those girls. They just come over and cant stand to see a mess, they gotta clean.

I really, really agree with this.

When I was 20, I moved in with a guy I had known for one week. Yes I know that's a little extreme, crazy even. Of course it didn't work out, and the relationship lasted for about 6 months. Do I regret it? No, it was an interesting experience, and I believe that it's better to do something than to regret not doing it.

I would also never marry someone without living with him first. I don't think that you really know what you're getting into until you live together, and I think it's pretty darn important to know what it's like to actually share a home with someone. I couldn't live with OR marry someone who expected me to do ANY of his laundry or do more than half of the work around the house, and you don't really know how a guy is going to hold up his end of the deal until he actually does it.

Any of his laundry? C'mon Valkyrie, isnt that a little extreme? Chicks are supposed to do some of it. Thats just the price you pay for not developing a penis.

Hahahahaha!!! You're funny! I've never done a guy's laundry and I never will. Mr. valkyrie doesn't seem to mind, either. ;)

I wouldn't know how to respond to a girlfriend that told me that.

Well, cash, I think it goes without saying that a guy like you and a woman like me would never date. ;)

I said I would never do a guy's laundry either.......ha lets just say things change ;) Thats all I do now....between my husband and our son discovering dirt is portable, laundry is a part of my daily routine - only a tiny portion of it is mine.

Since I've been married and divorced twice, I can honestly say that I'd have saved a lot of money and heartache had I lived with either of my exes first. I would not have married either of them if I had lived with them first!

As for laundry.. it's ok to do some of his laundry as long as he does some of yours too. It's got to be a two way street! Same with cooking, cleaning, etc.

Dee

My fiance and I are living together... but we didn't move in together until after we got engaged (with a wedding date set), and we had already been together for 3 years. After we got engaged we decided to go ahead and move in together, so that neither of us would be stuck in a lease with another roommate at the time of our wedding. I don't regret it at all, we get along great.

I think it's decision that only you and your boyfriend can really make, because every relationship is different. However, if it's a new relationship, I do think it's a little soon to get that serious.

This is something I've been grappling with as well. Although my relationship is not new or fairly new (3 and a half years this week), we're going to wait until we have set a date.

The reason for the relatively long wait? I'm pretty young, and I wanted to see what it was like being a young woman living on her own in the city. I remember there was an episode of "Friends" where Rachel's mom regretted the fact that she went "straight from [her] father's house to the sorority house to [her] husband's house." If you've already experienced life on your own (outside of college!) and a few heartbreaks, I'd say go for it. Otherwise, it really can't hurt to wait.

If the relationship is "worth it," living together can wait--especially if you're very young and the relationship is new.

Off Topic: I bet you are usually the more dominant one, in a relationship Valkyrie?

If we do your laundry we are going to ruin it.

We wash everything in Cold. And believe the dryer solves all clothing problems.

Let us wash at your own risk. We ruin our own stuff.

Thats why I send my laundry out.

Well, roxydiva, you've gotten lots of advice (I won't say good or bad!) on this issue. I will throw in my two cents in a minute, but I do want to make one important point to you. EVERY relationship is different. Only you know where your relationship is, and what could make or break it.

With that said Mr. ajuhdg and I lived together for six months (good idea to have a short lease, just in case!) after we had dated for a year. It was TERRIBLE. He was a spoiled rotten brat...okay well I am too! Neither of us was prepared, and the six months ended with me kicking him out and him moving into his frat house. We were broken up for about three months, and it allowed us both some time to reflect. (I know it sounds cheesy!) We both knew that we wanted to be with each other, and our living together made us realize that real relationships are about compromise. We dated for four more years, and we've now been married for a little over two.

Here's my point...I personally would have killed him if we would have never lived together before we got married....it's just TOO different! Plus, living together lets you see how much work you have ahead of you! ;) It took me a year to train him to put the toilet seat down!

aj

Hahaha!...lol. Thats pretty funny.;)

Valkyrie? Dominant? Niiiiice.:)

well thanks guys for all of your opinions and ideas. i dont really know..he jokes about it but well see! we are pretty serious, even though its only been about 5 months. the kicker is that next sunday we are going to florida for a week. technically, with my parents, but we will basically just be by ourselves the whole week. yes, i stay with him 4 or 5 nights a week anyway...but this week its gonna be nothing but me and him...so maybe that will be some kind of make it or break it deal! lol. who knows! i was just curious in general. it seems like people i know move in with boyfriends way early (like 2 or 3 months into it) or way late/never at all in a relationship...just like with the "i love you" thing, i know everyones different, but its always interesting to hear how other people are! :)

roxydiva

Something to think about:

They've done a lot of studies on couples who lived together before marriage. They've found that couples who lived together before marriage have a 50% higher divorce rate than those who didn't. Read about it in both TIME and Cosmo magazine. They did give the reasons behind it in the articles but I can't remember.

And this is why my Mr. ZetaMan does not want us living together. So we now live on opposite sides of NYC and commute over an hour to see eachother LOL.
Whatever works for the couple I guess...

Here's a good article on cohabitation.

At Discovery Health, they have an article on the top 10 myths of marriage.


ETA:

I wouldn't recommend living together if you aren't planning to get married. I've seen those situations end badly.

My pastor said that one would go to hell if one shacks up with a girl/boyfriend.

:(

This is extremely true. Studys like these are statistical horrors.


Living together will not increase your chance of divorce.
It will NOT ruin your marriage afterwards.

Why the higher rates? People who live together have more socially liberal views. People who have socially liberal views are more likely to be open to the idea of divorce.

Let's review.
Socially Liberal Views --- more likely to be --- okay with living together.
Socially Liberal Views --- more like to be --- oKay with divorce.

It all depends on the people involved

If it's a good relationship then living together can be a wonderful thing. You'll learn to enjoy each more every day. You will be extremely happy.

If it is not a good relationship .... welll.... you know.

Don't let people scare you with statistics or anecdotes. You know your relationship and only you will know whether living together is right for you. Also, you'll need to talk to your boyfriend. What does living together mean to him? What does it mean to you? What are the expectations involved?

Mr. Kappaloo and I moved in together 1 year and 4 month after knowing/dating eachother. We were not engaged, we are not engaged. We started living together knowing that we would not get engaged during our university career, and that living together did not mean we would get married right away or anytime soon. We had clear expectations about what living together meant for our relationship, and what it would not mean for our relationship.

We also knew that living together would not be all sunshine and bliss and that those would not mean that we didn't love eachother any less. My mother gave me the best advice: "There are time you may not like your signifigant other. That does not mean you don't love him. Loving him is working through those times." We knew that serious issues might arise and we would have to deal with those as they did.

As for divorce, I will not divorce my husband when I marry unless there is absolutely no other choice. But I really don't see this happening for me. Why? I know that relationships take work, and I will work on my relationship everyday to ensure its health. That is one of my most important values... and Mr. Kappaloo shares it.

Wow. I'm sorry guys. This was a bit of a rant. I just hate when people slam living together. It's my lifestyle and it's my choice, and when I see blanket conclusions put on it I do take it personally. (Some of you Christians might understand how this feels). As much as you might not like to admit it... living together can work when the people are right and they work at it.

I do intend on getting married... but food for thought: I have and aunt and an uncle who have been in cohabitating relationships (not to eachother) for over 20 years each. That's better than a LOT of marriages.

Edited because I dropped a lot of 's's

I second this. I know everyone will have their "exception story" (whether you're ok with living together or whether you're not ok with it), but I believe that in general, living together is not a good idea.

Maybe you could get a roomate if the economical issues are a concern? Paying half price is better than paying full price for a place that you spend little time at. :p