Too Much Baggage?!
 

Okay ladies, help me out! There is this guy that has been trying to get with me for TWO YEARS! We talk on the phone and that's it. He goes to my church (that my father pastors), so I don't want to get involved with someone and then the relationship shatters. But here's the situation. He's 31 years old (I'm 23, but age isn't the problem), and he's been married twice! He has two children by two different women; one his wife and the other when he was 16 years old. The first wife was when he was straight out of high school. She was much older than him and they were married for six years. The marriage didn't work out (according to him) because she started making more money than him and started trying run the house. She doesn't live in MN. His second wife left him after three months, if that and moved to Chicago. So I don't know if we should call that one a marriage or not. Here are the qualities: we have wonderful conversations, he's nice looking, God-fearing, positive, etc. I think that he regrets what's happened in the past, but has definitely regeared his life do what's right.

Like I said, he's been pursuing me for the past two years, and at first, I wasn't even trying to hear him. But now, I've seen the change in him and I feel like maybe he would be a nice person to kick it with.

DOES HE HAVE TOO MUCH BAGGAGE? SHOULD I NOT CONSIDER DATING HIM? HELP ME!!!:confused: :confused: Help your SAWRAH out!

My first question would be to ask HOW is he managing his "baggage"? Does he have a relationship with his children and a cordial relationship with the mothers? What are the dynamics of the relationship (i.e. always fighting with baby mommas, bad mouths the mothers in front of the kids,etc.)?

I need some more info before I can give my 2 cents.:D :confused: :D

Hey Honeykiss! Thanks for responding. Actually, he has a great relationship with his children and baby mothers (I thought I would never have to say that about a potential boyfriend). If we're talking on the phone and his daughters call, he will get off the phone with me and talk to them. He sends them things all of the time, they come up and visit him. I mean the relationship is grand with his children. Help a sista out!

MEN, please feel free to respond too.

Yeah what she said.

Remember we all have baggage. Never limit what God is trying to do in your life. If nothing else, you 2 will have a stronger friendship.

So are you saying that I should give him a try? I'm so scared about getting hurt/him getting hurt. I just want things to be right.

Yes for those that know me, they know that I always said I would never ever date a man with a child/kids. Well my boyfriend whom I love like I have never loved anyone before has a daughter.

Take things slow. It sounds like he is turning his life around. Oh and the way to know how a man will treat you IMO is how he treats his kids. :D

Give it to God. But don't try to block this LESSON/BLESSING that God has for both of you.

I have come to learn that all of my former friendships and relationships were LESSONS to prepare me for my life mate. Had it not been for the BULL, I would not be able to accept the BEAUTIFUL in my life right now. :)

Thanks CT4! That was very inspiring and true. I appreciate it. I had planned on going out on a date with him, so I'll have to keep you all posted on it.

Ok, that helps.

Well, here is my 2 cents (and some change)...

I am going to assume that this man have been "living and doing right" for a long while and not just for a month or two. ;)

So with that said, ask yourself could you see yourself married to this man!:eek: Hold up, I'm not crazy *lol* or moving to fast, but hear me out.....

If you do decide to pursue this relationship and things get REALLY serious, will you be willing to accept his past and all that comes along with it? I friend of mine dated a man in a similiar situation. Although she wasn't to comfortable with his past(he has a child and an ex-wife), she figured that as time went by she would feel better about it. But she never did. So she wasted 3 years of her life and this man's life.

Also, i know you are afraid of getting hurt, but I am quite sure he is too! (Imagine having two failed marriages under your belt and your only 31 :eek: Talk about shots to the ol' self esteem there).

So if you are ok, with it, my advice would be to al least go on one date with him and see what happens. :cool:

Carla gave great advice!

You have to do that.

I also had to ask myself when major life events come like the deaths of friends and family members come, would this man be the one to hold my hand and pray me through my distress. Thankfully, I can answer yes with my current beau. :)

I had to ask is this the man I want to raise children with and love FOREVER. Could he handle it when the cramps kick in? Would I be able to handle arthritis? All of that.

But we jumped the gun, Delph wants to date or no -- I say go for it. :)

a male perspective...
 

D998,
Time is probably your best ally in this. Time shows us our partners in a variety of lights. As you date him you'll see his personality under certain "stressors." How is he when he's angry (temper)? How is he when "baby mama drama" arrives (responsibility)? How would he be with you if you made more $$ than him (our unexplainable manly machismo thing)? Maybe his actions in these circumstances will allay some of your questions/concerns. He can certainly tell you now how he'd react, but over time you'd see it for yourself.

Date him if you feel so moved. Just don't ignore what he shows you as you get to know each other.

peace.

**bowing** Thanks ma'am. You still cannot sing at the wedding. :p

Re: a male perspective...
 

[hijack]

TONY QUOTED!!!! YAAAY!! LOL:p :D :cool:

[/hijack]

But I agree with what he said as well. Good to have a male POV.

Thanks Tony for the male point of view. You're right. I want to go out with him. I mean, he's asked me why I haven't ever given him a chance to see what it could be like, so I think I'm at that point. We'll see and you're right, experiencing all of that stuff with him will be the true test of if I we can be together or not.

Thanks y'all!

CT4, Can I sing at your wedding though?! I gotta voice that you ain't even ready for!! Let me stop!

Re: Re: a male perspective...
 

:D :D :p

Re: Re: Re: a male perspective...
 

ooooooooooooooooh SHOOT!! He used SMILIES too!!! This boy is a bad mamma jamma!!


You can sing CHORUS in the beloved circle during the SONG!! :D

Re: Re: Re: Re: a male perspective...
 

Like that?! Oh okay..I see how you gonna do your Sawrah!! It's all good...I have no problems singing SO-LOW during the Sweetheart Song!:D :D

Dayum!!! :mad: (You mean to tell me I touched up my dyeable red shoes with a red Sharpie marker for nothing? )

**I'm wearing you down man, I'm wearing you down!** :p

______________________________________________ dead

You all are just too durn funny!
 

okay, lemme add my $.08 worth. . .

Seems like everyone's given great advice, and I agree with what's been said. Another thing to think about is your reaction to/interaction with the kids. My husband had a son before we got married, and I'll be honest - I had problems with him at first because I wanted my husband (then boyfriend/fiance) to myself, but as I got older and matured, I realized that it is extremely important and essential that he have a relationship with his son and that he would always be a part of OUR lives, as long as I was married to him.

But I guess I jumped the gun a little too soon. You haven't had your first date yet, huh?

To quote a famous woman (the lady on the train at the end of "Coming To America") GO FOR IT HONEY!

Wish you the best! After all, this date may give you some insight as to how the "relationship" may progress. Keep us posted! :)

ISDiva,

You're a straight mess!

BTB87, thanks for your input. I really don't have a problem with his children. They're pretty little girls. I think he should definitely be apart of their lives. I think I'm cool with it because they're older and not in the same state. If they were here, it probably would be mroe in my face. I have, however, always said that I want my man to be exclusively mine (children, 1st wife, etc.), but you know how that goes.

I will go out with him and I will let y'all know what happens.

ANOTHER QUESTION:

What is too much baggage? I have another friend that doesn't have any kids, never been married, college educated, greek, Christian, great family background, yada, yada, yada, but has SO MANY INTERNAL ISSUES!! He's highly insecure, unapproachable, not sociable, very needy, very spoiled, mama's boy...oh, he drives me insane! He is also trying to talk to me, but I feel more drawn to first guy because he doesn't have those issues. I mean this dude here is OFF THE METER! Hates to apologize, has a bad temper, spoiled, stubborn, so set in his ways, etc. I could go on and on...is that too much baggage?

Leave his no apologizin', bad tempered, spoiled, stubborn, set in his ways, insecure, unapproachable, unsociable, needy, mama's boy self with HIS MAMA! Let her deal with him and wonder in another few years why she ain't got no mo' grandchirren! If he's that way now, just wait until he shows you his true colors!

I'm sorry - I got a little carried away. . .

Getting back to work. ..

LOL!! That was off the chain!

Don't hold back B...tell us how you really feel! ;)

I just realized that I haven't had anything productive to add to this thread! :o I do agree with what everyone has said though. Sadly, it is a fact that there are a LOT of brothers out there with children...that doesn't make them undateable. I think the most important thing is how he handles his responsibility. Hell, I probably SHOULD have had a coupla kids right now, but on the same token I know that I will make a good wife. Circumstances happen to everyone...I would rather have a man with kids that takes care of his responsibility, than a man-whore who just hasn't gotten caught yet ANYDAY!

Good Luck, listen to your head, then follow your heart...and keep us posted!

Well one thing is clear, D998...YOU GOT GAME--menfolk just fallin' everywhere!

Anyway, the 2nd guy seems different. If his game is so tight, why the internals? Re-reading what you listed about him, I gotta ask, why is there even a question?? (unless this guy is a bruh...in which case you gotta reach beyond all these little nit-picky things you just listed and touch his inner genius :D

:rolleyes:


LMAO! I bet YOU couldn't even say that one with a straight face! :p

Hmm.

I think what concerns me, more than the kids, is the reason behind the breakup with his first marriage. Is he still power tripping? Are you going to be ok with a man who so clearly has a need to be dominant in your relationship?

If you are down for the traditional roles in a relationship then go for it! But if you are more independent and he has not changed, that could be a big issue...

Whatever you do with this brotha, STAY AWAY from the other one. Situations are things that change on a daily basis, but a BAD ATTITUDE stinks up the place foreva!

He is your bruh!! I didn't want to say it though! And for the record, I DO NOT HAVE GAME!

Hey Lovelyivy...actually he said that SHE was power trippin' because she was making more money, not him. Thanks for your input girly!

Interesting..rare but I can see where it might happen. I don't know if I would believe him without more info from her or people who saw what happened though. I know more men who would have trouble with a woman coming home and saying this is my money and I'm spending it how I like than women who would push it all up in the man's face (although sistas can be a lil TOO independent at times).

Ok, so drop ya nit-picking!!

No, seriously, while I got luv for my bruhs, everybody's not going to fit for everybody.....but you make reaaaaaal sure you read him right cause usually that A-Phi-A is Top Shelf material.:D

Questions for you:

How long has he been divorced from first wife? Why did she just up and move to Chicago 3 months into the marriage? That sounds a little strange to me. Does he recognize his role in the breakup of his marriages?

If he is blaming his exs for what THEY did and not looking at his role in it, I would wonder. After all, as I say to my girlfriends who are constantly having man drama: What is the ONE constant in all of your relationships: YOU. If he is willing to take responsibility for his role in the relationships I would say he has potential, dispite his "baggage."

Now as far as the other guy, it's all about CHARACTER and I'm sorry Tony, but he needs a little more development in that area!

You made some good points. He's been divorced from his first wife for about six years. He's been divorced from his second wife for two years. He and his second wife came to the church together, but not as husband and wife. They were going together at the time. He said that his second wife left because she just didn't want to be married any more. That's strange to me too. But I know that since, he has hardly ever mentioned her name. He has told me that they really weren't on the same level and both parties tried to make it work, but it just didn't work.

With this first wife, he did say that they both grew apart once she started making more money than him. According to him, she wasn't at home as much, he was taking care of the family more, she started dictating what he could do, etc.

UNDERSTAND, I do know that there are two sides to every story, so I'm sure he was wrong at a lot of things. One, if he knew that the second wife wasn't on his level, why marry her? But like I said, he wasn't where he is spiritually nor mentally then. He's grown a lot since all of that stuff went down.

You're a mess TonyB06!:D ;)

Re: Too Much Baggage?!
 

If the man has more problems/issues than the woman . . stay away.

Good generic advice.

Re: Re: Too Much Baggage?!
 

Well in that case, I need to flee from the scene! I don't have issues like that going on my world.

well, well, well
 

Del,
Hmmmmm. No wonder I haven't seen you in moons--you have been BUSY!!!!:D Do I know either of these gentleman? But to add my motherly $19.13, I say give the first one a little more time and just continue to monitor the situation.

@CT4,
Del can saaaaannnnng!!!!!!

@Tony,
Yeah she got game. The chile is beautiful.

Re: well, well, well
 

Ladygreek,

YOU'RE SO SWEET! You always know how to make a sista's day! But to respond to your funny comments, NO, I have not done anything with the first guy that was mentioned. By the way, I don't think you know any of these guys. I'm going to give it a shot, but will take things VERY SLOW! With the second guy, that's a definite NO! We're not compatible at all. You will see me soon though.

You know it's unfortunate that some of the choices that we make in the past turn out to be horrible future mistakes. Although, children are blessings, quite a few are not planned and there are not that many 16 year olds who plan to have children (other than the rejects on Ricki and Maury).

I am quite sure if brotha man # 1 knew that he would one day be on the mind of a beautiful sister and was trying everything he could to attract her to be his queen 4ever, he would have made sure his plate was clear of drama, wives and children. However, you did say he is maturing mentally and spiritually, so he should be thinking about taking care of his past and future responsibilities. And he HAS TO be able to master the art of priortizing.

I say go for it!!! I mean if nothing else it can be a lesson on what you will and will not accept the next time around should this not work out.

As for Brotha Man numma 2, chal I would rather deal with the physical "baggage" of contestant numma 1, than all of this other guys mess. Because his emotional rollercoaster acting behind has far too many inner issues to be trying to hook up with a woman right about now. He needs to clean his house up first!

Hope things work out for you!!!:D ;) :) :cool:

That was soooooo sweet! You get a big fat THANK YOU! I 'preciate it!

Like everyone on here, I'd say go for it, but with hesitation because you need to go fo it with "2 eyes wide open and some more". I say this because its easy to become oblivious to some things easily, especially when the heart is involved, and not try to be rational. For now, u only know about his interactions and his past based on what he has told you, but by hanging out around him, you can actually see this, and come to jufgement on your own. You mention him having a child at 16, so his oldest should be 15 now. Realize that this is significant, and if the thought of this makes u cringe, then why bother getting serious with him.

On the other hand, life is all about risks, motivational speaker Leo Buscaglia said

"The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing. To Laugh is to risk being a fool. To weep is to appear sentimental. To reach out to others is to risk getting involved. To love is to risk not being loved in return. The person who risks nothing may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot know, feel, change, grow, live, or Love."

Tread carefully, and go for it :)