He cheated
 

What would you do if you found out that your significant other had cheated on you? It was a one night thing ( I think) and happened several months before I found out. I don't want to be a bit#h, but this is getting to me. We broke up for a while over the Summer, before I knew about this. We've been back together for a few weeks. I'm not sure what to think. Once a cheater, always a cheater... or ?

girrrl...been there. I would like to say that everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but sometimes that's not always true.

I gave my guy that chance and he stayed faithful for a while...and then he strayed AGAIN.

I think you need to find out WHY he cheated....if someone is in a relationship they value, and they love the other person, there is NO reason for them to go somewhere else. A moment of weakness shows that his respect for you wasn't his voice of reason when he needed it most, which means he might not listen to it again if you let it go.

I think cheating on someone is telling both people that you're not happy with what you have and that means you can't make the other person happy either.

As much as it might hurt....I think you should let go now...if you let it go, you might never REALLY let it go. You'll alwasy suspect what he does, where he goes, what he says, who's he with, etc, etc, etc. and you really don't want to live like that do you......

Story time!

When I was a sophomore in high school, the guy I was dating was apparently dating another girl in a nearby town at the same time.. I found out of course!

We tried to work through it but I could never trust him again.. even in the smallest little things, so I finally just ended it once & for all.

Moral of the story: It is probably something you will always think about :(

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through! If you want to talk, feel free to pm me :)

In my world, if someone cheats, that's the end. Period.

When I was in college, I had a boyfriend who cheated on me. I tried to work it out and stay with him even though I knew better, thinking that I could "get over it" but I realized very quickly that I never would so I dumped his ass and I'm glad I did.

I say

3X4 anyone????


:)

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

Two things.
1) keep in mind that the circumstances around it are shady, sounds like you don't really know if you were together or not when it happened. Some ppl's definitions of that are messed up.
2) Regardless of whether he actually did anything wrong or not, you shouldn't have to put yourself through the doubt and mental frustration you're probably going to experience. You can tell yourself to get over something but the subconscious mind is a bitch.

I don't tolerate infidelity in my relationships. Things are just too risky nowadays to have someone who's doing stuff on the DL. Once the trust is betrayed, there's no way to fully restore it.

I went to a great seminar by the "Dating Doctor" David Coleman at this past year's SEPC (South Eastern Panhellenic Conference). During his talk, he answered many frequently asked relationship questions. One of them being "Why do men cheat?" His answer: Because they know women will take them back. He then encouraged all of us to do better for ourselves, and never take a cheater back. If you do, he will cheat over and over again, knowing that you will always take him back.

I am truly sorry though, I know how it feels. My advice is to spend some time with good friends who will cheer you up and remind you that you deserve the very best!

Thank you all! I know what I need to do, but it's really hard right now. I guess I'll just come out and tell him tomorrow night. I hate this. Thanks everyone.

I've had more than my share of experience with cheaters...
But no matter what they say, no matter how many times they apologise, whatever, they don't get second chances from me. It messes up the trust, and trust is absolutely necessary in a relationship.

Trust me when I say that I've been on the crappy end of relationships. I kept on giving in and in my delusional mind I thought that he was going to change.

Riiiight.

If you do care about him, there's nothing wrong with being friends. And if he truly cares about you then he'll accept it and be your friend too. If, in the long run, you're the ONLY one he wants to be with, it'll happen.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst...but expect NOTHING.

once a cheater always a cheater. no one deserves a second chance...especially when it comes to trust.

ditch him.

I say light his bed on fire or at the very least take all his sheets so he's screwed at night.

-Rudey
--No cheating in this playa's book!

Damn! LOL.... You're forgiven. Oppps, wrong thread. Thanks Rudey.

Ditch him ditch him ditch him. He doesn't deserve you.

I've never had a man cheat on me, but I'd like to give you a different perspective.

I volunteer at a Divorce Recovery Seminar. There are lectures, then small (4-10 people) groups where people discuss in depth what caused the break up of their marriage. At least 2/3 of the people there are divorced because of infidelity. Interestingly, at least half of those whose divorce is final later wish that they had talked about the infidelity prior to running off to a lawyer.

I would have never said this before, but if someone cheats, it's more important to find out the why before immediately breaking it off completely. Since you're not married, it may be just as well to call it quits. But, if this is/was a more serious relationship, I would highly recommend that you both speak to a counselor to try to understand why he felt the need to cheat.

Take care of yourself, Sweetie, and make sure he has every available test prior to any intimacy.

Thanks for the advice. This happened last Winter break when I had gone home. I didn't find out about it until recently. We broke up (not because of this) over the Summer, and then got back together this month. I don't care what he did over the Summer. The break up was my idea. Finding out what he did while I was away really bothers me. I don't know. I didn't sleep last night thinking about this. I hate my indecisiveness.

there is no reason for someone to cheat. so i dont think she should trouble herself with finding out why he did it. even in a marriage, thats a pretty hard thing to forgive and i think people are better off without that person. its just too much to deal with.

cheating and lying are like the worse things ever. id rather be punched in the face then to have someone lie to me.

Even if he does change his cheating ways, will YOU ever trust him again? When he's out with his friends, will you be wondering if he's hooking up with some girl? If he doesn't pick up his cell, will you be worried it's because he's with someone else? When he's acting distant, will you wonder if it's because he's thinking of someone else? No matter how hard you try, if you're like most people, these thoughts will going on in the back of your mind. The question isn't if he will cheat again. The question is will you be able to move on and have 100% trust in him again? If you can't have 100% trust in him (which is so so so so so important in a relationship), than I suggest maybe moving on.

bethany,

i've been with a cheater before, so i have to say ditto to what everyone else has said, but I also think that the fact that you didn't find out until recently does not bode well for his trustworthiness...

i understand that things happen and sometimes people make mistakes, but if i ever cheated on someone i would not be able to look that person in the eye if i hadn't told them, much less maintain a relationship under the pretense that everything is fine!

i say lose him. if he was really sorry it seems like he would have come clean on the issue right away, instead of letting you find out months later. jerk.

there is no reason for someone to cheat.

Actually, if you find out the justification that someone uses, you'll find out a LOT about their character. What if the spouse refuses any intimacy for months or years on end? What if a fatal illness is involved? What if the man is impotent? These are factors that should be explored.

cheating and lying are like the worse things ever. id rather be punched in the face then to have someone lie to me.

Going back to the Seminar, it's amazing how many people do not agree with this statement! Personally, I agree with you - but the final decision is Bethany's, and not ours, to make.

I have strong issues with trust, so I would have a VERY hard time dealing with someone who broke my trust. I just think that Bethany needs to think about her options instead of making a decision based on emotion.

When people cheat, it means that they don't need to be in that particular relationship because they're either not happy, or something else isn't right. That's just my opinion, but I really believe it. It isn't the other person's fault if their boy/girlfriend cheats. I've been on both ends, and neither are very good places to be. Being cheated on makes you feel crummy because it hurts thinking that your SO chose someone else over you...at least, that's what it feels like. And being the cheater sucks, too, because you know you're not happy and you don't have the guts to end it, yet you feel like the biggest weasel ever. I think it's just better if you end the relationship...you're not married, and like others said, it doesn't really sound like you'll be able to trust him again.

yeah-people deserve a 2nd chance but only if you're willing to forgive. if it's totally shattered the trust, then just move on.

i dunno...i just fail to believe that there is any reason that someone should cheat. if things are going bad, you should end the relationship.

Right on. There are so many reasons people cheat. It doesn't make it right, but it's not as if there are factors leading to it. Even something like parental infidelity can cause someone to cheat--even though that parent's infidelity impacted the kid horribly. There are so many different shades of grey. As inexcusable as infidelity is in my book, it's not so black and white.

I know the pain of being betrayed by someone I once loved. I just had to cut mofo from my life, because I was better than that and could stand taller on my own. I know deep down, you might feel the same way.

This is very true, but not everyone thinks as clearly. My BF and I were together for two years and things were getting bad. We were spending every waking moment together and were fighting all the time and nagging each other to death. I'm not saying either one of us was more to blame than the other, because we were both at fault. The only difference was, I was willing to talk it through and try to resolve our differences because I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him. He decided to take the easy way out and made out with our friend's sister. They didn't have sex and he did tell me right after it happened. He ended up breaking things off and we were apart for five months.

Throughout that time we remained friends and realized that before we broke up, we totally took each other for granted and stopped appreciating each other. Our relationship strengthened after we re-established our friendship and after what seemed like a hundred "serious" talks and me questioning my trust in him, we realized that we still loved each other and gave it another try. Sure, there are times when I get little twinges of jealousy or wonder what he's doing when he's not with me, but I do trust him. It didn't happen overnight, but the trust is there. As weird as it sounds, we both needed the break up to realize how much we loved each other. It was a wake up call, and not the best one to experience, but it was necessary. It made us stronger and we're still together and very happy! It's been a year and a half since we got back together and it's been great!

All I can say is do you what is best for you in the long run. This is your decision to make and you can always PM me if you want to talk, vent, or need more support!

aoe,
Jess

OK, I guess that one could argue that men and women are different but...

I've been a cheater.

And I never did it again.

My freshman year of college I was doing the long distance relationship with my boyfriend of about 2 years. I ended up hooking up with a mutual friend's roommate. It only happened once, and our friend knew about it and a few other friends had an idea that something fishy was up. I was so worried about my boyfriend finding out and so guilty about it and so miserable because of the guilt that I would never do it again just because I'd never want to feel that way ever again. My motives for cheating were selfish (I was lonely and wanted male attention) and my motives for never doing it again are selfish. But it's not always true that people are serial cheaters.

I'm telling him bye later tonight... thanks for all your help.

I have to agree with Imthachamp here...did I just say that :D

Anyway, I don't believe there is ever a valid excuse. There are many reasons why people do it, I just don't believe that they are valid. Obviously the person who is cheating or is considering cheating has a problem with the relationship, whether it be unhappiness, poor sex life, whatever, these are all things that can be worked out with a little effort. If the couple can't work it out or won't work it out then it's best to end the relationship. Cheating never solves anything. Why stay with someone you are unhappy with?