calling off a wedding... who pays for bridesmaid dress
 

I searched to try to find any posts on this before.. plus i looked on the internet and couldnt find anything.. but maybe someone can or they know better than me..

this is actually a story about a friend of mine and she was asking what she should do..

she was supposed to be a bridemaid in one of our other friends from high school's wedding. She told her what dress to get and where.. so she bought the dress thinkng nothing of it. Well about a month or so later.. the friend wrote her and told her that she had called off the wedding. It turns out at the time she was having doubts and had started talking to/seeing another guy. She never told her that she was having doubts when she was insisting that she go buy the dress nor that she was seeing this other guy..

so my question is.. is it wrong for her to ask her to pay back the money for the dress.... since she cant return it.

That is a tough one!

I would say if the Bride was the one to call it off and considering the reasons...she (the Bride) should have to pay for the dresses. But I also know that, THAT often does not happen.

I remember feeling SO relieved that when my ex called off the wedding I hadn't finalized the order on the dresses, cuz I just couldn't have asked my friends to pay for them. And then I would have been stuck with the bill.

But as a good friend, I would have, and that's what I think any good friend would do.

I think it would be proper for the "Bride" to pay for the dress, although, I would not press the issue. To me, even though the "Bride" was not acting as a good friend, friendship is more important than the cost of an unused dress.

I'm getting married in 16 days, and the etiquitte, according to Emily Post, is that it is an honor to be asked to be in someone's wedding. Therefore, it is the bridesmaid's responsibility to pay for the dress. Now, if she had given the bride a gift, she would get it back unless the groom died. But since she bought the dress for the purpose of being in the wedding, she has to keep it and just chalk it up to bad luck...at least according to Emily Post!

Me, I would be pissed. But if they're truly friends, she should understand.

I don't really know the etiquette. Yeah, I'd be really pissed too. My parents just went to a wedding this past weekend, and my mom was telling me about it-- she had 12 bridesmaids! I was like whoa, that's a lot of dresses for her (the bride) to pay for. My mom was like no the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. I didn't even know that.

The bride should pay for the dress - especially since it appears that the relationship was in a precarious state when the bride told the maid to go ahead with the purchase. It was a bad faith investment, so to speak.

If the bride is being a butt, however, the best thing would be for all the maids to get together and see if they can sell the dresses as a group. They might at least be able to get some money back that way.

Another suggestion: depending on the style/color, etc., perhaps she can keep the dress and wear it to some upcoming formal affair (if she's the type who likes to attend these types of events anyway). :)

THE BRIDE!


OT- FeeFee , looking at your signature, are you quoting Mommy Dearest or making a political statement??? I always wondered that.

I think the Bride and Groom should pay for the dresses if there is a wedding or not. I personally am not going to pay to be in any one's wedding. In this situation it would be totally rude for the bride and groom not to pay for the dresses. If the wedding party was nice enough to help you'll out by offering to pay for the dresses in the first place why wouldn't you now pay for the dresses. It doesn't matter why there is not going to be a wedding.

I thought she was referencing Queer Eye For the Straight Guyn quoting Mommy Dearest, lol.

As someone who is getting married in 4 weeks, I felt the urge to speak up. :) It is the obligation of the bridesmaids/groomsmen to pay for their own attire if they are participating in a wedding. There are times when a bride or groom may offer to pay all or part of the expense as part of their gift to the wedding party; this, however, is definitely not a requirement. Trust me, the bride and groom have got enough things to pay for as it is. (The average wedding costs around $20,000 these days.)

If someone cannot afford to buy a dress/shoes/etc in order to be in the wedding party, then they always have the option of turning down the request and choosing to be a guest rather than a participant. To me, being asked to participate in a wedding is an honor, and I have never thought of it as paying to participate when I stood up with my sorority sisters over the years. I considered the purchase of my attire to be part of my gift to the couple getting married.

In the instance of a bride calling off the wedding... I don't know the proper etiquette for this particular instance. However, I personally would pay my bridesmaids for the dresses if they couldn't be returned. But, if I was a bridesmaid, I probably wouldn't ask the bride to do so -- I'd accept if she offered, but wouldn't bring it up on my own. Calling off a wedding is a traumatic thing, and I wouldn't want to add to her stress.

Justamom and LI84 - I was quoting "Mommy Dearest". The movie came on cable tv one night and I decided to use NWH as my signature. It's my favorite part of the movie (harsh scene and all; you got to see just how nutty Joan Crawford really was). :)

How is it their obligation to pay to in your F@%&in' wedding? My thought is if you can't afford to have the type of wedding of your dream then have the wedding you can afford. Recognize that it is out of kindness not obligation if the bridesmaids pay for their own attire. Yes, it is an honor to be ask to be in a friends wedding. But if, that friend is broke they need to check their attitude and be thankful that they have people willing to help them.:o

If your friend is broke you shouldn't ask her to be a bridesmaid to begin with, because it is customary that they pay for their own dresses. (The bride usually does give a piece of jewelry or some other token of appreciation.) If you (you being the bride) have someone you really want to be in your wedding and she needs $$ help, you can volunteer to do so. But if the bride and groom had to pay for all the maids and ushers on top of everything else, either there wouldn't be any or they would all be wearing jeans & sweatshirts.

Personally, if that was me who was the bridesmaid, regardless of why the wedding broke up, I would pay for the dress and never ever in a million years even bring up the fact that I spent money on a dress for a wedding that never happened.

Obviously, if the wedding had happened God only knows how many years of heartache my friend would have endured if she/he had gone through with it. It is obviously a wedding that wasn't meant to be and as a friend it's the least I could do for her is not shove that one more issue in her face.

I think one of the most courageous things one can do is cancel a wedding. The closer to the date, the more courageous an act it becomes.

TRUST ME -- paying the fees in lost deposits, etc is in the long run cheaper than divorce fees, possibly getting your credit ruined, losing a house, having to move, paying for kids tuition that now you possibly won't bore because you aren't married etc.

It is the responsiblity of the bride and groom to pay for their own wedding which includes bridesmaids and groomsmen attire. If they can't do this SOMETIMES the wedding party will pay for their own clothes. Really that's something only broke and ghetto people who are trying to live above their means would even ask their friends to do. That is not customary. It's customary for you to save for your wedding in advance. This is an event for the bride and groom. The wedding party is going to get no special recognion for this event. It's not their special day. Why should they be out of $200 or $300 for you. **** that! If you do have the money take your broke ass to the court house!

Whoa -- calm down, thesweetestone. :) You're acting as if brides who have their wedding party pay for their own attire are breaching some sort of etiquette and/or are trying to have a million dollar wedding at the expense of their closest friends. Neither could be further from the truth.

I've been in a lot of weddings and I have never once had anyone pay for my dress -- nor have I ever thought they should. Sure, I've had some brides buy my jewelry, my shoes, etc. as their gift to me. It was their way of saying thank you for participating in the wedding. But I never once expected them to foot the bill for my outfit because it is customary for the bridesmaids to pay for their own dress and anything that goes with it. (By the way, it is also normal for them to pay for their hotel rooms and any other transportation costs that are required in order to be at the wedding if it is out of town.)

All of this is following typical wedding etiquette. If you want to pay for all of your wedding party's attire when your big day comes, go for it. If you've got that kind of money left over after paying for all of you and your significant other's friends and family to eat, drink and be merry, then more power to you. Most people don't have that kind of budget -- even the ones who, like me, are having a "wedding that they can afford" instead of a "dream wedding."

I am VERY thankful for the friends I have, and I am VERY grateful that the bridesmaids who I chose accepted my offer to be in the wedding. When I selected my bridesmaids, I didn't want to ask anyone to participate who I knew might not have the time or money to do so because I didn't want them to feel as if they were letting me down if they declined. If I'd had someone who I really wanted in the wedding party but who couldn't afford a dress, I would have probably offered to help cover some of the cost. But I certainly couldn't afford to do so for the entire wedding party. The cost adds up, no matter how careful you try to be with your budget.

To help my bridesmaids manage the cost of their ceremony attire, I made sure that I only looked at dresses that were in a reasonable price range. To make sure that the girls were comfortable with the price and type of dress, I invited all of the girls to go shopping with me. They made the final decision in what to wear, and they also picked out their own shoes. In the end, they were the ones who ultimately decided how much they would/could spend.

Our gift to the wedding party is that we're paying for one night of their hotel stay, their rehearsal dinner meals, their wedding day jewelry, and a nice thank you basket filled with things they love. This is in addition to the food, drink and entertainment that they will be enjoying at the reception with our other guests. All added up, I'm spending much more on my girls than they spent on their dress and shoes, and that is perfectly fine with me. It's my way of saying "thanks for making the extra effort to be with me on my special day." :D

I've been in 3 weddings, and paid for 3 bridesmaid dresses. I would expect nothing different. They were all relatively inexpensive, and at one the bride made the dresses herself and we bought the fabric.

I assure you none of the brides were "ghetto" or living "beyond their means."

There are inconsiderate brides out there who choose dresses without caring whether or not their attendants can afford them - hopefully they are the exception. But for the most part, brides know the income levels of the people involved with the wedding and choose accordingly.

My goodness - sweetestone, if you dont want to pay for it, dont do it then?

I can't wait until my friends start getting married, and yeah, I'm sure everyone has whined a time or two about having to pay for a dress and I probably will too, but it's the fact that not only are you there, showing your love, friendship, and support for your friend for this milestone in his/her life, but that your friend loves you and picked you out of all the other people in their life to be one of the ones to stand with them. It's more than just a ceremony, or a dress, it IS an honor, and a true sign of respect and love between two friends.

and it IS customary for the bridal party to pay for their own dresses, by the way sweetestone, not the other way around.

i mean, i've been invited to formals and proms before, and I've bought dresses for those, even though for some of them the date is just a friend, or I dont know anyone else there. i mean, i think we've all shelled out money on things that have no *direct* benefit to us... but weddings are meaningful and memorable in other ways.

but as for this situation, i dont know... it's tough. calling off a wedding IS traumatic. but at the same time, if she was seeing someone else and having doubts for a while... eek. I would hope the bride would *offer* to pay, but who knows? it's a tough call. i know i would never ask...

WHOA.....:eek: :eek:

Anyway :rolleyes:

MY experience has been that bridesmaids/groomsmen pay for their own attire. That being said, it should be made CLEAR at the beginning who is paying for what. Brides should be sensitive to their bridesmaids financial situation and plan accordingly. tHis could be anything from paying for the dress/shoes, etc., to not picking their "dream" bridesmaid dress, but a less expensive version.

Just like when you joined your sorority you realized there were certain financial obligations that went along with with, bridesmaids should realize there are financial obligations as well. As someone else stated, if you do not feel it is your responsibility, don't have the money, what ever to being in someone's wedding. Don't accept.

I see it like a wedding gift. You are not obligated to acknowledge anyone's wedding/marriage in any way: don't have to send a gift, buy a card, nothing. BUT, if you agree to participate in the wedding by witnessing the ceremony and going to the reception, do the appropriate thing and buy a gift (off the registry please!) :)

Back to the orginal question...
I believe someone else already said it, but the bride should offer to pay for them, but the bridesmaid should not ask. Matter of fact, if I was the bridesmaid and my friend offered, Iw ould probably say you have enough on your plate, don't worry about it!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by dzrose93
[B]Whoa -- calm down, thesweetestone. :) You're acting as if brides who have their wedding party pay for their own attire are breaching some sort of etiquette and/or are trying to have a million dollar wedding at the expense of their closest friends. Neither could be further from the truth. [B]

In your earlier post you said that is was the wedding parties obligation to pay for thei own attire. I thought that was rude on your part and i felt like you were being very ungrateful for them helping you out.

[B]I've been in a lot of weddings and I have never once had anyone pay for my dress -- nor have I ever thought they should. Sure, I've had some brides buy my jewelry, my shoes, etc. as their gift to me. It was their way of saying thank you for participating in the wedding. But I never once expected them to foot the bill for my outfit because it is customary for the bridesmaids to pay for their own dress and anything that goes with it. (By the way, it is also normal for them to pay for their hotel rooms and any other transportation costs that are required in order to be at the wedding if it is out of town.) [B]


I've been in two wedding and all I paid for was getting my hair done. It is not customary for the wedding party to pay for their own things. Although, I understand that some brides need a little help in paying for the wedding. What I am saying do not act like I have to do this for you or like I'm going to actully benefit by being in your wedding. Be thankful and grateful. Know that this is something I did not have to do. I am a good friend helping you out.

Topic of this thread is a non-issue any bride should volunteer to repay the bridesmaids for their out pocket expenses.

SOMEtimes, people have a tendency to take "rules" too far.

The absolute rules of decorum in ALL situations of behavior, is to make the other person, your guest for instance, feel comfortable-REGARDLESS of Emily Post or Miss Manners. This is the true definition of a gentle person.

Now, lets assume the wedding party was selected with care and concern for all involved. The bride should offer to pay for the dresses. It will be the decision of the individuals in the party as to whether or not they accept. THIS is the refined solution, the courteous solution, that differentiates people from the masses.

OT-FeeFee, it drove me nuts when she took her daughter's place in the soap opera! The commet for the bathroom and Christmas toys were horrid as well!:eek:

Because the bridesmaids dresses I picked out were a little more expensive than I wanted my girls to pay, I paid for half. I'm also buying them earrings that cost about $100 a pair...for 7 girls! It's very expensive to be a bride or to pay for a wedding.

If my wedding didn't happen, I would in no way feel obligated to pay them the other half of the dress cost.

It wasn't my intention to be rude... I was just stating what is typically done these days wedding-wise because it seemed like some posters were wanting to know. Visiting any wedding-related chat board will provide the same info. That being said, I'm extremely grateful and thankful for my wedding party. Having been on both sides of the aisle, I consider it to be both an honor to be a bridesmaid, and an honor to have someone accept my invitation to be a bridesmaid. I believe that my girls know how much I appreciate them making the financial and time-consuming commitment to be part of my day -- and I will definitely show my thanks at the bridesmaids' brunch, the rehearsal dinner, and the reception.

I have never heard of a bride paying for the bridesmaids' dresses. I know my aunt offered to make the bridesmaids' dresses as a gift for the bride. The bride decided to have a dozen bridesmaids. Personally, I think that the bride was abusive of her generosity. She has never offered to make any dresses again.

Back to the topc at hand: The bride should pay for the dresses if that is at all possible, but the bridesmaids shouldn't request it. I agree with 33girl. They could sell the dresses to another bridal party or ebay them.