struggling with Greek life
 

I have been Greek for a year now and there are times when I both regret and not regret about accepting my bid. I've built everlasting friendships with sisters from my sorority along with other Greek organization members and I thank God for putting them in my life. I'm sure that all organizations have a bit of drama going on within. It makes me wonder if this is what true sisterhood is all about. When members don't participate in events, backstab each other, spread rumors, or even come to disaffiliating, don't warning bells ring in people's minds? You'd wonder why people disaffiliate.

I get it that when we recruit or rush potential members, we of course leave out all the negative aspects. But is it fair to anyone? Is it being just to suck innocent bystanders into our world that may be filled with lots of drama and more than they bargained for? Then there's the whole financial crisis. What if a potential member has all the endearing qualities but lacks sufficient funds to pay her dues? Do we just turn her away? There are those members who ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVIELY, LOOOOOOOOOVE their organization. Good for them! I personally feel that being Greek is a part of my life and not my entire life. We as human beings have other things going on such as school, family, relationships with others, religious affiliations, work, etc. When those take more precedence over certain Greek events, we are penalized.

Am I the only one who feels the way that I do? I've been struggling with this thought process a lot lately.

know how you feel
 

yes- i definately know what you mean... i love my sisters but a lot of the time- i really feel like there is just way to much drama to deal with- this girl doesn't like this one- or she slept with him so she's mad at her- or whatever.... we had a lot of problems with one particular sister this past semester and summer and now she is dissafiliating..... in some ways this is a good thing because she is not good for us- she is a very difficult person to get along with- but it is sad that it came down to that- and i am rush chair this year- and i know it will be hard to talk of all the good things but i hope they realize that with a group of girls- its not always fun and games but there are a lot of upsides.... idk its something you struggle with- and you are right- there is more to life than just greek- outside stuff- and its very important to (keep your sanity) to include these other parts- encourage other girls to do the same.... idk i know exactly waht you mean and i wonder why i stay in it sometimes b/c it gets really upsetting... but one breath and one step at a time and take the good with the bad- its like anything else i guess... you can PM me any time if you wanna vent! lol :)

hmmm well the frat boy point of a few is if i knew about all the drama and stuff i dunno if i would have joined, i think its something you just need to get eased into....about the money thing, i think that going in you know what your financial obligation is, and you are letting your bros down if you arent paying it. i know it sounds mean, but frats/soroities arent for everyone

As the New Member Educator of my sorority, I know at first it must seem a little deceiving but it isn't done with bad intentions. My philosophy is that the New Member Period should be one of the best semesters in a Member's Sorority Life. No matter what may be going on within the active chapter, I stress it to the actives that active business stays active business. It's not a time to burden the new girls. As far as when they become actives (or if they happen to hear stuff as a new member) and are introduced to situations that may arise, you have to teach them (and I do this throughout the New Member Period) that this is LIFE. Not everyone will get along or agree all the time, but no matter what organization or job you are in, it will happen and part of being in a sorority is learning to be tolerant and respectful of one another. If they have a question about a situation, I do my best to explain it in terms that they can understand but general enough not to start gossip or rumors. In our chapter I think interpersonal issues are handled pretty well. I think the way we handle matters such as personal, financial, scholarship, etc. is great because we're very positive and try to find a solution, or mediate between members if it gets to that point. Our president has conferences with each girl to see how she thinks things are going, gets suggestions, and really takes a personal interest in her opinion. We always stress "communication". If someone offends you, be a sister/grownup, and talk to them. So many things can be solved by communicating. Morale is something that should always be kept up and I think our chapter does a great job with it. But all that is something that you learn, and I teach.
So basically, keep it real, and positive.

I've thought about this too... I mean... honestly, no it isn't fair.. HOWEVER.... do they tell you all the cruddy stuff about the job at the interview ? Do the potential members come in saying "hey you know.. generally I'm a good person.. but I sometimes get posessive/ moody/mean ? COURSE NOT.... everyone has their flaws.. just as the org. *probably* has some flaws... everyone is showing their best side... I mean personally as long as the good out weighs the bad (which in most cases, it does) then it's all worth it and no body is hurt.. it's not like we're hiding our ritualistic animal sacrifices here... and besides what group of friends doesn't have it's own personal drama anyway ?? we women just kinda like to create drama... it's nothing new. This brings up a question though... how do we as active sisters keep up the new member spirit ? I mean I know personally I was in a little bubble when I first joined and def. had a moment where it "popped" I mean it wasn't like a horrible pop... but my eyesight def. became 20/20 and I think we need to make sure new members still have that love for the org after all the attention is taken off of them you know ?

I went through the same thing and it was kind of rough for a little while, but that's just how it is, you know? My "real" sisters and I fight, so it naturally follows that sorority sisters will fight sometimes, too. One thing that I've always thought is a little unfair, though, is glossing over exactly how much a sorority can cost...I know we don't want to discourage PNMs by trotting out these scary astronomical amounts of money and saying, "Well, this is what you gotta pay, or you're out!" But singing the praises of payment plans and making PNMs think it's cake even if they don't have the cash isn't good, either. Nearly every chapter on my campus did this, and the first bill came as a shock to my parents even though my sorority was nowhere near being the most expensive.

Our panhellenic gives out a flyer along with a rush brochure to PNM's that states all the sororities dues. I'm sure it's not 100% accurate since different sororities add additional costs like formals, etc. to their dues but it's a very close estimate to the actual cost. So the new members know right away what the cost of everything is and it's all broken down to Pledge Fee, Badge, Dues, Housing Corp., etc. At least they can't say, Oops, I had no idea. They also go over it at The Recruitment Orientation for the PNM's.
One other thing that I stress to our new girls is that this is THEIR chapter now. And their experience/chapter will be what they make it. I tell them that if they see things that need improvement, let exec know and we will figure out a way to change things. I think our exec is great with that, always trying to find new ways to do things and trying new ideas that eventually work out really well for the chapter. I always tell them you get out what you put in. I purposefully place responsibility on them, because they are the one's that will be here to carry on our chapter and I believe in teaching them young how to do things AND giving them the opportunity to hold responsibilities - in their pledge class (ex. social chair, campus activities, community service, etc. for their pledge class) and when they become actives they each have a responsibility, whether it be birthday chair or Intramurals Chair. Then if they can do well with what they're given, they'll move up to bigger positions. But overall it's great because it spreads the work and gives each girl a sense of responsibility. That improves the overall morale of the chapter because they want to make the chapter the best it can be and are more focused on team work than bickering and fighting with each other.

We're human
 

There are some very good comments already written above. As an alum that saw this 25 years ago, I can assure you that the same questions will be asked 25 years from now.

College and your GLO are a trainng ground for life. Just as there is drama and problems in life, your GLO will reflect them also. You are not going to be best friends with everyone and there will be those that you may have problems with. But we are all joined together in our love for our organization and its ideals----that's what forms our common bond. And believe me, that bond will last.

There will always be some that just don't fit. Our recruitment process won't always make it possible to know that until afer they've already joined. It is a brave woman who can admit that and leave. Conversely, we also have to face it when we have to ask someone to leave that we were wrong on our side. We have to recruit honestly----not just tell about parties, but about activities, time commitment and responsibilities. That does not necessarily mean all the "drama."

College is hard work! Learning how to priortize your time, classes, activities, schedule and finances is hard! Everyone has to give in at times, including our sisters, boyfriends, friends and families. Life is a learning process and you have to learn to deal with all its aspects.

Unfortunately, finances can restrict some women from joining. Many know when they give join that they will have to sacrifice to pay the bills----just like real life. Money will restrict you from doing many things your entire life.

And the most important----membership is not just during college, it is forever. The lifetime commitment is the most rewarding of all. College is only the beginning!

We during Rush, try to be up front on How Much The Dues, Parlor Fees, Initiation Fees are. If (new Frosh cannot live in the house) you live in the House how much it will cost.

But with the High Cost of College these days, it is something to be sure to look at when joining. We try to place it ove a pay plan if need be.

The Greek Organizations need to be up front to all costs.!!

But to get back to the original post:

Fraterity/Soroity Life is a simple microcosim of the real life ahead after Graduation. I did not get along with all of My Brothers and I founded the Local!:(

Still dont get along with some. Reason being, we are not all alike, but have the same values in mind for our Chapter and our Fraternity. :cool:

Drama is real life as it is here on GC and all across the World!
So you must decide: Go for it and learn what life will be like through training learned in You Greek Life Experience or just Graduate and go Holy S--T what fork do I use?:) How do I dreass for a Formal/nonFormal Function?

I don't think it's necessary to hide all the drama from PNMs. When they go through recruitment, let them know about all the good stuff. Tell them about your friendships, your mixers, your philanthropies, etc. Everyone wants to hear about all the good times the sisters have. But also let them know, that like life, nothing is perfect. Yes there may be times that you are frustrated with your chapter. There may be times when things get very stressful (like recruitment), and things are not always a bowl full of cherries. Tell them that not everyone will get along, and even though that some may not get along, you all try to be respectful of one another. I think it's ridiculous to think that just because you're sisters that everything is sunshine and roses. That's not the way things work in real life. Now, you don't have to go into detail, ie. Sister Susie is a b**** and she slept with Sister Samantha's man and now we all hate her and if you join our house you have to hate her too, and we want her disaffiliate, etc, etc. No one needs to hear about that. But I don't think it's a problem to say, yeah we have our problems every now and then, and we all do our best to try to work them out in a civil manner. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I don't think that there are too many naieve PNMs that will be going through recruitment thinking that all the houses are drama free, just because you're not discussing the problems with them.

to the original poster, I have often felt the exact same things you are...don't feel alone.

I think part of this has to do with the fact that so many Greeks are so desperate to counteract the negative Greek stereotypes that they play up the great parts of Greek life and ignore the bad parts. Because of this, so many girls join their sororities thinking it's going to be this perfect thing -- and it's not. The new member period does little to counteract that idea, because with all of the anti-hazing laws and the fact that we don't want to scare these girls away from the organization before they're initiated, the view they during pledging is generally just as idyllic as the one they're shown during rush. It's not until sometime after initiation where we start seeing the holes in the facade, and sometimes that comes as a big shock.

Because of the "perfect" front that we put up, it can be hard to tell whether the problems we see within our GLOs are normal growing pains or the signs of something seriously wrong.

thats life
 

I see this is a very interesting topic based on the replys...
Anyway, I think all sororities are upfront about costs and dues. I know mine is. We also give PNM the option of fundraising their fees.

As far as drama within an organization... It's everywhere. Where you go to school, where you work. Within groups of friends and family. (My family at least.) That's life.

Maybe you should consider having a discussion where everything is out in the open. Talk about how you feel. If someone is habitually late for meetings, say something! If so and so is talking behind someones back, say something. If you cannot be open with the sisters you love, then whats the point? Until you talk about how you feel--you will feel miserable. Honesty is going to be very important.

A sorority is going to have drama. It's a bunch of females with different opinions, personalities and ideas. Females that work, go to school, spend time with family and friends and boyfriends. And still get up on time to go do community service, study for a test, etc...and probably all during that time of the month. It's hard! Whatever, it's hell! But it's all worth it. Talk it out with your sisters or else it may never get resolved.

Re: thats life
 

I agree.

People need to stop looking at things through rose colored glasses.

Interestees don't need to know the internal operations of your organizations until they are on the inside. Don't scare them by telling them about all the drama. That's none of their business and they will also view it as more extreme than it really is. They need to know BASIC info, which includes dues, etc.

They also need to SEE people, within that org. of their interest, being "sisterly" and "brotherly" to one another. But, there's nothing wrong with simply saying "we love each other and we have a lot of good times mixed with all the hard work and hard times. Our organizations are not utopias."

If the interestees want you to elaborate, tell them you've said all there is to say.

These organizations, and our experiences within them, are what you make them. If you're unhappy, the problem may lie partially with the organization and/or some members. But, the bigger/biggest problem might just lie within you.

I felt all of these things about my org, and I did disaffiliate.

There were constant rumors going around and a lot of backstabbing. Our dues never seemed to be a problem, but I know of a lot of women that were turned away from orgs they were perfect for because they couldn't front hundreds of dollars on such short notice.

At rush the actives told me all about formals, socials, and sisterhood parties. They told us about the fun philanthropies.

They didn't tell us about all the mandatory stuff that would take us away from family. They didn't tell us about the mandatory community service projects that were boring and hard manual labor.

They left out all of the negative stuff, and in my mind, once I had been in for over a year, the negatives did outweigh the positives, and I disaffiliated.

I also think that this isn't really a situation comparable to a job interview. After all, during a job interview you're expecting the job to include things you necessarily want to do -- because you're getting paid to do them. With GLOs, you're the one paying -- and you shouldn't have to pay money to do things you don't want to do. You could do those things for free! ;)

Shine, I am very sorry to hear about your situation:(

I know there was and mybe still an ASA who was/is on GC who did the same thing!:confused:

I talked to her in hopes that I could give a little better perspective, but she Did disaffiliate anyway.!

We had a Brother at my Chapter Who did the same thing and would not talk to me or our advisor about it. I had become quite close as an Alum to him!

Sometimes it does happen!:(

Life is life! Life during your college years is full of drama, no matter WHERE you are - believe me, I saw plenty of drama in the dorm before I pledged. Everything is so amped up compared to how dull life eventually gets. :p The lows are lower, but the highs are higher.

If you are in a smaller chapter, you can't hide whatever drama there may be from the pledges. If you do hide things from them and they get in and are upset, you haven't opened up to those women. You haven't truly thought of them as your sisters. If you keep your chapter a sterile environment where no one ever gets upset or pissed off, or where people might have those feelings but are afraid to share them, you have a very very shallow sisterhood - if it can even be called a sisterhood. I'm not saying more drama = closer sisters, but if you are trying to be perfect all the time it's hard to be real with anyone.

This is a big reason I have a problem with how watered down the pledge programs have become. For their whole pledge time the girls are told they are perfect and special, they don't HAVE to do anything, and anytime they are upset someone will handle it for them. Then they initiate and find out they have mandatory events, some people don't like them, they have to fight their own battles. Pledging should not be unnecessarily hard, but to make it too easy misleads a lot of people.

As for $$$ - that really depends on your school. Most groups now have payment plans. It is up to us to make rushees comfy enough to ask about that, or better yet, to provide the info through the Greek life office or on the website.

To the original poster - Yes, I understand just where you are coming from, as I have felt the same way sometimes too. How to solve the problem? I don't know. If you avoid pledging girls until the internal drama is caused....well, the internal drama won't matter because you might not have a chapter by that time. There isn't really a way to incorporate, "Hey, sister XYZ gets drunk all the time" "Sister ABC has been accused to talking behind people's backs and stealing." *shrugs* I just don't know!

33girl: Great point about if they don't know the internal dramas by the end of the pledge program, then you haven't opened up to them. Every girl who pledges a Greek org wants to make her house better through her special skills, personality, etc...If new members have a chance to see the internal dramas, which most of the time are completely normal!, they might dispel some of it.

Yes life is life I agree. *sigh* There have been really great times tho with lots of laughs and all the sugar and spice. We actually had one of those talks where we just get our feelings out in the open and I think it's helped some. When there are such negative energy floating around I have to honestly admit that I'm not so proud to wear my letters sometimes. And even though we're a diverse group, a good majority of the group is of one ethnicity and I think they forget there are other ethnic groups as well.

I'm just glad that I'm not alone in all this. I try real hard not to think too much about things. I just do whatever I need to do and give my 100%

I would encourage you to take a look at WHY things in your chapter feel the way they do. WHY is there backstabbing, etc., and what can I do to change it. This way, you make the sorority a better place not only for yourself, but for PNMs as well, and then you're not hiding anything, are you? I agree with what ChaosDST said...they don't need to know what goes on behind closed doors until they are members.

To the original poster....and your last response

That is all you can do. Believe me I understand how you feel and what you feel. ;)

Scooby

Team Dynamics
 

A long time ago, I attended a management training seminar on team building. Of all the classes I've taken throughout my career, this one has had continued relevance to me in both my professional and personal life. I think this is relevant to this discussion because, with new members coming in and others graduating, the dynamics in a GLO are always changing.

The premise of the class was that, when a group of people come together for a common purpose, there are four quadrants of team dynamics. The first phase is getting to know each other--in this phase people tend to be polite, and there's not much drama because folks tend to ignore any issues that may occur.

The next phase is the drama phase. Lots of infighting. You bring up the issues, but don't do anything to effectively resolve them. In this phase, there's lots of distrust.

Ideally, you move beyond drama to the third phase. The group members decide they're tired of the drama and begin to work things out. They come up with approaches to resolving issues and stick to them.

Finally, you're a fully functional team. The problem resolution processes work and the team is able to deal with issues and resolve them. All team members contribute to whatever the group's goals and objectives are.

Just because you got to phase four it doesn't mean you'll be there forever. It's possible to slip back to the drama when new members join the team or when new things need to be accomplished.

Whenever I'm in a situation where there's a lot of backstabbing or frustration, I remember this concept. If it's a new situation, I tend to be encouraged that we're moving forward. I realize it's possible to get beyond the conflict, if you really work at resolving the roots of the conflict. Continuing to be polite, and ignoring the elephant in the room, only prolongs the drama, it doesn't get you past it.

Probably one of the reasons that fraternity and sorority members tend to do well in their careers is that through their membership, they learn how to deal with group dynamics and are ahead of the curve when they get out in the real world. :)

I'm not in a sorority anymore, but now that I'm out (I knew this before dropping out though) even at work or amongst other affiliations rumors etc still go on. My mom is in her 40's and she has come home upset due to drama at work; so it doesn't just happen in sororities. I think in general drama happens whenever a group of people are together. Heck drama and rumors even go on at church as does separate groups.
So when you look at life this way you realize if the other stuff in your sorority is good then the drama will only make you stronger.

whenever you get a group together regardless if its men or women...problems will start because everyone thinks different.

When you go into a group you are told all the good stuff that they went through....and how you can be a part of it too...what they don't tell you is WHAT they didn't expect to happen, and sometimes are ashamed it did. I don't think anyone would join something if they knew what could happen, we all just go into it hoping the best, and the members take us praying for the same thing.