Soror, this is too much. I was just in the exact same situation!!! Hopefully, it's not the same guy http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif! Where do you live again??? But seriously, I know what you're going through. The guy I was dating was very masculine in some ways, but in others, he had a sista worrying. Luckily, we were watching a show together one night that was dealing with homo/bisexuality and I straight up asked him. He very nonchalantly said no, but I still don't know. I've seen or heard nothing to confirm my suspicions, but some of his mannerisms and speech patterns had me wondering. Not to mention that he was very fashion conscience. Not just your typical brotha that likes to look good. He wore the type of stuff that only celebrities would dare to wear.

Anyway, I say all that to say don't sleep on your intuition. Especially if you plan on having a sexual relationship with this man. It's scary enough to think your man may be cheating with another woman, but when you have to worry about the fellas too... After about 2 months, I decided that I just wasn't comfortable with the situation anymore and I ended it. Not only because of my questions about his sexuality, but because he wanted a whole lot more than I was willing to give. If you live in a small community, ask around about him. If you have these suspicions, I'm sure you're not the first.

This reminds me of a friend who began dating a guy until she found out he loved to use the Raspberry scented products from Bath and Body Works. She thought that was too strange and decided not to see him again. Honestly, I would distance myself from him and end the relationship because I wouldn't feel comfortable.

Soror SkeeBunny,
Girl I must put out my disclaimer that this is not my situation. The radio station that I listen to has a scruples Wednesday and the listeners call in. I think that the situations are very interesting so I wanted to piggyback them and put some of the questions on the forum for discussion. I will certainly let everyone know when the Scruples question is about me! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

Oh, now that I've put my business all out in the streets, I find out I'm in this alone??? I take it back, this didn't really happen to me http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif!

I don't think I have ever met a guy who like to wear the scents from Bath & Body Works or Victoria's Secret. That would really raise my brows!

I'm a very up front person and I always ask if a person is gay or bisexual when I go out with them. That's just one of my standard questions. Especially after reading E. Lynn Harris' books. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

First off, I am LOVING these Scruple questions PinkCashmere!! SkeeBunny, you are not alone girl. I briefly dated this man who made me raise the people's eyebrow as well. He was awfully feminine at times, but what really did it for me was when he casually told me one day that this gay guy hit on him at a club.(What club was this anyway??) Now, most men would have been like "It took everything in me not to knock that mother.....out!!"...if they dared tell a girl that story in the first place. I don't know, maybe I have read one too many E. Lynn Harris books. Now...about the Bath & Body stuff....I don't know what's going on, but I know a lot of brothers that go to town on some Victoria's Secret body spray and bath gel! Oh Lawd! Please don't start me thinking the wrong thing! What ever happened to Old Spice ane Brut? All the manly colognes!!

Oh! I got so into the feminine sprays and gels that I forgot to fully answer the question! I dropped this "man" like a bad habit! Always listen to your instincts!!

ARE Y'ALL SERIOUS? Do you honestly think that what bath and body products a man chooses to wear or his "mannerisms" or "speech patterns" will determine his sexuality? *Shaking my head* Some of the most masculine brothers out here are gay-didn't y'all read E. Lynn? I get concerned when we start stereotyping speech, clothing style, BATH AND FREAKIN' BODY PRODUCTS, etc. as signs of gayness. And given our collective homophobia, do you really expect a guy you "suspect" as gay to actually TELL you, "yes, love, I'm gay"?

Besides, it always strikes me as odd when men or women start denying very vehemently, or saying stuff like "it took all I had not to knock that mother...out!" Seems like the gentleman doth protesteth too much, if you ask me...

DG

Uuuummm...DG, I said this reminds me of a situation that a friend of mine was in. Forgive me for bringing it up. But I did answer the question honestly.

Aside from the Bath & Body stuff, which, I personally, didn't take as meaning to be proof that a man is gay...I agree some of the most masculine men out there can be gay,but are you saying it's nearly impossible to tell if a man is gay, even after being with this man for a while?? I can not speak for anyone else but...When I have to constantly wonder about it, there has got to be something to it....when I have strong instincts about something...it's best to heed it...when it acts like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck....chances are.......

[This message has been edited by Sexy Mocha (edited August 10, 2000).]

No, I'm not saying you shouldn't go with you gut, or that you can never tell, but just because the brother doesn't show "signs" doesn't mean he ain't gay. And just because he does show "signs" doesn't mean he is. That's all I'm saying, ladies.

And yet, we wonder why we can't find a "good man"....um!

I'm sorry, I love a manly man and a man who I can share my beauty products with is not a man I want. Let's be real. A brotha who outwardly "acts" gay, in my opinion, probably is. And let's not front like we don't know what "acting" gay is. Don't get me wrong. I know that very masculine men can also be gay, but believe you me, the first time he gives me reason to believe he lusts after other men, he's gone too.

And no, I don't expect any man to openly admit to me that he's gay/bisexual. That's why I have to use my own techniques. When a man gets pedicures and gets COLORED POLISH ... I'm sorry bruh, you're out the door and you just might be gay.

[This message has been edited by SkeeBunny (edited August 10, 2000).]

I totally understand the fact that people may not necessarily answer truthfully about their sexuality due to their fear of how others will treat them. I have gay male friends that have told me this. To this day they have not openly admitted their sexuality to their families and friends.

I do believe that you should not be with a person that you have to question their sexuality. If you are uncomfortable about something -- let it go. It is not worth it in the long run.

I know guys who may appear to be more "sensitive" than some men. This doesn't make him gay. It simply makes him more sensitive than other men. One of the callers in the radio station had a very sexy deep "manly" voice. He was gay. You never know.
However, if you have your suspicions - again I ask - What would you do?

If I had reasons to be suspicious, I would leave him alone. If you ask, he may deny. If you go by appearance or mannerisms, you may be wrong. Your own feelings are all you have to go on unless he is honest with you or someone he knows tells confirms your suspicions.

Hello Ladies of AKA and SFs:

AKAtude:

Well said. It does boil down to personal feelings and nothing else. Following instincts will never steer you wrong. If you thought he was gay and he wasn't then you can always say "Well, I can't deal with a brothah all up in my Plumeria from B&B anyway so whatever."

I like a manly man also and don't appreciate homophobes, but a man can usually tell when another man is gay also. Just as a woman can tell if a woman is gay.

There are mannerisms that are red flags to either gay-ness or an oppen-ness to exploring gay behaviors.

Sad to say that if a woman takes your man, you can compete with that BUT a woman cannot compete with another man. It is impossible...we simply don't have the...uhm...proper...tools!!!

I would bail QUICKLY if I had to question it, too much risk involved.

AKA2D'91 wrote: "...and yet we wonder why we can't find a "good man"...um!"

I do not see what going along with your instinct and choosing not to date a man that acts more feminine than you do...has to do with finding a good man. It will be a sad day indeed, when women become desperate enough to accept anything and everything...all in the name of having a man around. ANYONE can get a man...it's a good, God fearing man that a sister like me needs! Not some tight pants wearing, Peach Blossom smelling, eyerolling, prissy individual who likes to gossip more than anyone I know!

"Judge me all you want, just keep the verdict to yourself"-Unknown

[This message has been edited by Sexy Mocha (edited August 10, 2000).]

Greetings Ladies of AKA and SFs.

Just because a guy likes B&B doesn't neceessarily make him feminine. It just means he likes B&B. I know a guy who likes B&B and he is by no means feminine or gay!

PinkCashmere:We listen to the same station.

What I meant by my comment was that we "look" at some of the most trivial things when deciding if we should or if we should not. Who knows, that person that has the fragrant lotions could be our soul mate. We DO NOT know who God has for us. So we should be more concerned about other things...

Now, a man who wears vaseline intensive care lotion COULD very well be that GAY man. They don't always have to "possess" certain tendancies or mannerisms. We need to open our eyes and be more careful. FRANKLY, WE (as women) DO NOT KNOW WHO IS GAY AND WHO IS NOT.

But let us not miss out on something which could be WONDERFUL! Just because our "gut" tells us. That "gut feeling" could just be "GAS". http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif


[This message has been edited by AKA2D '91 (edited August 10, 2000).]

I probably would not even ask the guy. I would just stop dating him. I absolutely love a MANLY, MASCULINE, man. There is no room for feminine qualities. Bring on the testosterone!! And what? Bath and Body works? That is just cause for a dismissal. He's fired. Now Hiring.

I can tell some of us have not read the novels by E. Lynn Harris. Just because a person is MASCULINE and full of TESTOSTERONE, that does not mean he CANNOT be gay. WWWWAAAAKKKKKEEEEE UUUUUUPPPPP! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

If I was in a situation like that (a man exhibiting gay mannerisms), I would definitely ask him straight out "ARE YOU BISEXUAL" (I say bisexual 'cause if he's trying to persue a relationship with me or any female he can't be gay- or can he)anyways, if he claim that he's not, then that's on him. I, personally would move on. I WILL NOT GET INVOLVE with a man that have gay tendencies!!

I feel that God sometimes talks to us, and sometimes we choose not to listen. Which is why we sometimes end up in situations that could have been prevented...if only we had listened. I'm the type that usually never hears what is being said, so I really try hard to go with my God given instincts these days. Like everyone is saying, there are those baggy jean and timberland boot wearing men, reeking of Brut cologne who are gay/bi-sexual. If a woman gets caught out there with one of these men, then she can't blame herself because there were no signs...no way she could have known. Now, if all the signs are there and she still doesn't do anything, then she has no one but herself to blame. Kind of like when all of the signs are there that your man is cheating and you just ignore it...all because, despite the infidelity, you may be missing out on the other wonderful things he has to offer.
The gut feeling could be gas??? (LOL)AKA2D'91, you are too much girl! I understand your point though!

I know a man also that likes one of the B&B scents and he's not at all gay. He just thinks they have a "clean" smell to them. So, that factor alone wouldn't make me suspicious. But, if a guy started doing other things as well (lip gloss, clear nail polish) and seemed effeminate in nature, I would have to leave him alone. Why? Because even if I asked him he'd probably say no.

[This message has been edited by tickledpink (edited August 10, 2000).]

SkeeBunny, LOL!

I got your back, girl! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

Scruples #2
 

Here is Scruples Question #2.

Situation: There is someone that you have been dating for a couple of weeks and you find yourself really attracted to this person and he/she seems to be attracted to you as well. Then you start to notice the person exhibiting mannerisms, characteristics that you feel to be gay tendencies.

Question: What do you do? Do you ask the person straight up if they are gay/lesbian/bisexual at the risk of offending them? Do you get someone else to ask? What would you do?



[This message has been edited by PinkCashmere (edited August 10, 2000).]

Well, since this keeps coming up... if a guy must use Bath and Body Works I hope he considers the line of products they have just for men.

LOL

You make valid points. . . I'm certainly giving it more thought

Ok, I think I should rephrase some things that I previously said. This whole topic really has nothing to do with whether a man is bisexual or not. It has everything to do with me not wanting to date a feminine man. I don't care if he is heterosexual; if he is more of a "pretty girl" than I am, I don't want him.

No, acting feminine does not mean you're gay (just as acting masculine doesn't mean you're not gay), but I do believe the chances of a man being bisexual are a lot higher if he portrays such an image. And if anyone still has questions as to what "portraying such an image" means, I'll be happy to fill you in.

AKA2D'91:
You are absolutely correct that simply because a man is masculine and full of testosterone that does not mean he is not gay. I never said that. One of my good friends is a linebacker in the NFL,(you can't get more masculine or full of testosterone than that) and he is gay. If I happend to date someone like this and he turned out to be gay, I would, in fact be fooled by his masculinity. Yet, once I found out, I would no longer date him. My point is this, if a man is BLATANTLY showing signs of femininity, wearing women's perfume, makeup,etc. there is no room for that in my relationship.

I feel ya there sista!

Ok at first I wasn't gonna respond for fear of somebody reading this I know (well he knows), but I gotta tell my story now.


I was seeing this dude who has hair longer than mine (which I guess I could live with) but dude went to the hairdresser mor than me. He got a touch-up all the time and had to get his split ends cut and stuff

He even arched his eyebrows!

And all the time I'm thinking well if there is something with him, I mean I know his bruhs would have said something, right?

He used up all my apple victoria secrets shower gel and had his own pear that I couldn't touch. And once he started talking about anal beads.

One day it just all got to much for me and I was like why don't you shut you p***y ass up and he hung up on me and when he called back I was like I don't think this is working let's just be friends.

now I know he likes women, and I say about 90% of me thinks he is strickly hetreo, but I still have my doubts. and i am just glad to be rid of him.



[This message has been edited by blu_theatrics (edited August 12, 2000).]

http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif Whoa! I don't know if he's gay, but he certainly is "adventurous".

[This message has been edited by Serenity (edited August 13, 2000).]

LMAO

http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif I'm LMAO too

ya'll I cannot get enough of this board...everytime I am having a 'situation', no matter how, off the wall, I can come on the board and ya'll will be talking about it.

[b]Situation:[b/] I have a regular customer who comes in, he is like 65 or so, and his nephew is always flirting with me (and he is too, for that matter, always saying if I were 40yrs younger...). He, the nephew has offered to take me to some of his fraternity sponsored summer events, and etc, etc. Now, I always said no, b/c it seemed like everytime he asked me out, there were a lot of my co-workers around, and I just didn't want everybody in my business.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to the uncle, he caught me, when I was leaving after my shift...and we stood outside talking for like 20 minutes. He was just asking me about my major and my future plans, and asking me why I am not married or dating. I casually mentioned that his nephew had asked me out, and although he kept the playful tone, he basically said, well, I am not gonna say nothing about that one, but if you are looking for a real man, you need to keep looking. Now, like I said, he still had a joking tone, and everytime his nephew is flirting with me, he, the uncle, always tells me that I need an "older man".

Now the other day....bear with me, I know this is a long story....the nephew caught me while I was outside, coming back from lunch. He was talking to me, and telling me how pretty he thought I was and just saying that he wanted to take me out fot a belated birthday outing. Now, I think that maybe I have read too many E. Lynn Harris novels also, but something about the way he said..."Alright, 'girlfriend', I will defintely call you.."...screamed GAYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Now, maybe it was just my imagination working overtime, but I kept thinking about Basil, Kelvin, and the rest of them, and I also kept thinking about his uncle saying that I should keep looking if I wanted a real man...

AM I OVER-REACTING????
Maybe his uncle was just joking, or maybe he was saying, don't mess with him, I know something you don't....

HELP!!!!!!

blu_theatrics and onesavvydiva,

I don't know what to say but this sh_t is funny (no pun intended) - - LOL

know you know i am LMAO....when i started reading this thread.

i'll make comments later as soon as i can get a hold of myself.
http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/tongue.gif