What would you do?
 

Ok, here's the situation.....a couple married a few of years ago.... husband had an affair the first year...actually it began before the marriage (wife didn't know) and husband-to-be invites other woman to the wedding...and she came! To add insult to injury, husband claims that he made a mistake and wont do it again, but doesnt think that counseling is needed.

2 and a half years have passed and TRUST is bleek as well as the warmth that should exist within a relationship/marriage. Husband still feels that counseling isn't needed...everything is fine. Yes, there are a few areas to work on, but counseling isn't necessary. Wife still feels unheard, unloved and unappreciated. When she tries to discuss her feelings with him, he brings up the fact that 2 Years have passed and she is still on this!! Any words of wisdom?

Re: What would you do?
 

Well if the wife feels that way, and he refuses to go to counseling, what more can be said? Leave him or stop complaining.

Re: Re: What would you do?
 

What she said. I'd vote for leaving him, but if she's going to stay, it sounds like she's just going to have to accept him for the cheating ass that he is. I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that, especially when he's not willing to go to counseling.

I think that you have been here on GC last year asking the same question. http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...5&pagenumber=1

I thought this was a thread about that Nickelodeon show What Would You Do from the early 90s. GO PIE POD!

Leave him. Any guy who won't admit that there is a problem in the relationship, especially on based on infidelity has a problem. Maybe he thinks if he ignores it, it'll go away and she will just stop talking about it. But that is the kind of thing that doesn't go away. And the fact that he had the balls to invite her to the wedding, that's just, well, there aren't appropriate words for that.

I was also in a similar situation to Hootie. I was in an engagement for about 2 years, and we went through a rocky point. He turned to another woman, I tried to talk it out. Well, I suspected him of cheating, but also couldn't physically prove it. He wouldn't answer his cell in front of me, or go out of the room to take a call. He suddenly had all these new female friends that he spent lots of time with, telling me, well, I can't talk to you about stuff sometimes, so I talk to them. After a whole drawn out thing, he finally admits he has been cheating and with a girl I had known personally. He promised to change. I never did see that change, and ended things much too late. The trust was gone, and he didn't feel the need to fix what was broken. It took me a great while to realize that this kind of thing wasn't going to get better, and he didn't care enough to work on it. The hardest thing was realizing that I could do better and have a healthier, more positive life without him, but it was so very true.

Like Hootie said, he should be bending over backwards to get her to stay. If he doesn't want to fix something that is obviously causing her distress, and the marriage is floundering, she should get off the sinking ship while there's she can. Why stay in something that doesn nothing but bring heartache?

Feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

This man is very deluded if he thinks the marriage is fine. I am sorry, but if the warmth and trust are gone, where does the marriage stand? I was outraged when he had the nerved to invite the other woman to the wedding. Someone should have objected to the marriage taking place or asked her to leave.

I think the woman should have left him immediately. This wasn't worth the 2 and a half years she wasted on being married to a man who not only cheated her, but had the nerve not to do his part to salvage whatever was left of the marriage. She should consider seeking legal advice. Separation, Divorce or Annulment is probably the best option to end a relationship that is beyond repair.

:mad: http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/angryfire.gif http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/screams.gif http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/confangry.gif

If you asked this question last year, and didn't heed the adivce, why should any of us believe that you'll listen this time? Of course I don't know the entire background, but as far as I'm concerned, you know something isn't right, obviously have known for Over a year, and everyone, when asked for their opinion, has told you to leave him. If you don't respect yourself enough to do it, I don't know what anyone else could possibly tell you....

This is obviously not a healthy relationship. She needs to get out.

Agree 100%

I think you know what you SHOULD do. Do you honestly want to be asking this same question in another year?
Without trust, it just flat out isn't worth it. You see, the real payoff comes down the road when each of you look like "The Velveteen Rabbit" worn, but loved so deeply. That's the point when you realize God's gift to you for your commitment and sacrifice for each other is the return of passion. Trust is a major part of this renewal. Don't waste your days on a relationship that is without trust. Go for the gold ring.

Leave him. It won't get any better. The only thing that will happen is that you'll become more miserable.

I would've left him the minute I found out that he had an affair and that he had the nerve to invite her to the wedding. It is nearly impossible to regain trust after something like that. You will probably always have in the back of your mind "will he do it again?". The answer is, without counseling, he probably will.

Ok if SHE complained about it last year, there are 2 choices:

Stay in the sorry excuse of a marriage and shut the hell up

or choice #2 (my preferred choice)
Get the F out http://superbabies.homestead.com/files/Bolt.gif

(edited to change pronouns)

Exactly!!! Jill, you always say exactly what I'm thinking (which is good, cuz it saves me the typing :D )

Lets cut her some slack yall!

Seriously, marriage isn't something easy to get out of. It's a lot easier to say leave the bastard than actually doing it. We're talking about love that was at one point it time quite evident...but has been blurred by this situation.

I've been away from my ex-fiancee almost a year (it'll be a year on the 28th). It still gets to me because you believe you know someone so well and you remember the things that initially attracted you and you want to make things work because damnit that's just what us women do. It's so easy to see this woman needs to get out of the relationship but without walking a day in that person's shoes we don't know every detail. Not to mention the fact that so many of us women are dependant on men without realizing it. And sometimes we just need reassurance.

So I can understand why someone might ask things twice (a year apart). Hell I had people telling me all the time that I didn't deserve the crap my ex put me through. Did I listen...yes but did I leave...not until I had to.

There seems to be an incredible lack of trust and respect in this relationship. I believe that the foundation of any relationship is trust and respect. Without these, the relationship is going to leave at least one person dissatisfied. I won't tell you what to do. I think that you know deep down exactly what you need to do to be happy. Follow your instincts and your heart. I wish you the best.

If he won't change, or at least agree to counseling, why should she have to suffer and be miserable?

I agree with you Leslie! If he won't get counseling...then GO TO COUNSELING BY YOURSELF!

Thanks Jill...
Maybe individual conseling is a step in the right direction. At least it might help the person realize how serious the situation is.

Going along with the self counseling idea . . .

Uhm, we don't know that there is no trust, warmth or whatever else in the relationship . . . from his point of view.

To her all those things are missing.

Basically she sounds bitter. I am not saying she doesn't have cause, but bitterness, and you older wiser GC'ers might know this better, is a wierd emotion that does nothing for you but make you miserable as well as make it hard to move on or simply enjoy life.

Bitterness taints everything.

When I read her words it looks like she just never got over it. Never got her personal closure.

Never got an emotional reaction from him that equals or validates the pain, bitterness, and betrayal that she felt from that situation. Whatever talking they did just didn't get it all out of her.

Goodness, I can imagine those conversations, we have all seen them, the constant "But Why?" even when the person just answered, because the argument has little to do with the details, its about the sheer emotion. The Rage.


In this situation it looks like she is actually suggesting counseling for them just so she can have that emotional closure on the issue (if that is even possible) to hurt him with words the way she was hurt before.

I can't really blame the guy for not wanting to go. Especially, if he concluded the affair and hasn't done it again.

*shrug* To him the issue would be over. She had the option of leaving then or any time since. She needs to get over it and stop letting her bitterness ruin any future, if it already hasn't.

what an awesome show

oh sorry back to the post, her husband obviously doesn't want to put much into the marriage, i'd tell her to leave him right now cause he's not gonna get better

I definately agree.

Many, many, MANY female friends that I know that have serious problems in a relationship don't feel like they are strong enough to make it out on their own for some reason.

One of my good friends, that I even just talked to yesterday, was telling me all sorts of terrible things about her boyfriend. They broke up briefly for a few months last summer, and honestly I can say then, she was one of the happiest people I know.

Now that they are back together, all she does it complain about how terrible their relationship is, and it really makes me sad :(

I know she could do so much better.. even SHE told me she could do so much better, and find a guy that actually treated her right, but yet she's still with him? :confused: And they aren't just little trivial things that they are having problems with.. he is WAY psycho-possessive and just doesn't treat her right.. so it's so hard to see her stay through it :(

I definately agree that maybe some kind of help can help you in your situation and help you realize that this relationship isn't worth staying around for.