Put Your Offensive or Sick Joke Here (not for the faint hearted)
 

Can't think of any, but put urs.

Q: Why do men have assholes?

A: So they won't be total pricks.

This is bad...
 

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

A: "See you next month!"

Q: whats better then winning a gold medal in the special olympics?

A: not being retarded

HOw can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before swallowing

(This isn't bad at all but its like the only one I can remember)

Q: What is Green and smells like Pork?

A: Kermit the Frog's finger

:D

Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees?
Because the Germans like to march in the shade.


I have a genuine French rifle for sale. It's never been fired, and only dropped once.

I have interest in joining the French army.
I even have my own white flag.

Where is the best place to hide money in a Frenchmans home?
Under the soap


What do you call four white people in a car? White Power
What do you call four black people in a car? Black Power
What do you call four mexicans in a car? Grand Theft Auto


Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?
Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the United States.


Why are camels called ships of the desert?
They are full of Arab semen.

Why don't they teach drivers ed. and sex ed. on the same day in the arab world?
They don't want the camel to get worn out.

GRRROOOOOSSSS! KERMIE!!!! :p

ok, this is so not good being read, but it's my fave joke, and my only joke really....so i'll go ahead and post it. use your imaginations and think meg ryan in when harry met sally at the diner.....it's the best sounding joke ever to be told around a group of guys.....

there are 4 types of orgasms:
the really, really good kind--"OH YES!!! OOOOOOH YEEEEESSSSSSS!!! YESYESYES!!"
the really, really bad kind--oh no....nono.....noooooooooo....awwww"
the holy kind--"OH GOD! OH GOOOOOD! OH! MY! GOD!"
and the fake kind--"oh, KITSO.....mmm........KITSO!!!!"

bwahaha! ;)
*always tell in a big group of ppl, make your noises as realistic as possible for best effect, and pick a guy out of the group that needs to be taken down a few notches.....not that kitso needs to be taken down or anything.....but he's best for "effect".....;) :D :p

what did adam say when he first saw eve naked?
'stand back! i dont know how big this thing gets!!'


monica went to the dry cleaners:
monica: i have another dress to get cleaned.
(the owner of the dry cleaners didnt really hear her) so the owner says, 'come again?'
monica: no. its just mustard.


why is the navy ship the best place to get laid?
its crawling with seamen.

:p

LOL, smiley....but can we add a lil "lewinsky" to the end of that "monica".....these jokes traumatized my life in hs......still a lil gun shy! ;)

i think you were going for:

"What's better than winning a gold medal in the SPECIAL olympics?"

anyway . . .

why was jesus a hit with all the ladies?

because he was hung like this (*put hands out wide like a crucifixion*)

how'd they identify the guitarist from great white?

he was wearing charcoal pants and a smoking jacket.

what'd jfk jr say to his housekeeper before he left for the airport?

you feed the cat, i'll feed the fish

why didn't jfk jr take a shower before he went?

he figured he'd just wash up on shore




ok i'm gonna stop - the last time we did this, the thread got a little out of control, then closed, then started again as a huge fight . . . so you're all going to have to miss out on the bloody clownsuit jokes (for now)

Oh, goody, an opportunity to use some of my jokes in very bad taste.

What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts.

I may have another couple, but they're really horrible, so I'm leery of posting them. I'll see how this thread goes and then consider it.

What do vampire use for a teabag?

Tampon

aight....this one is real nasty....

(Iota Phi Theta Fraternity, INC. is not responsible for this, i heard this on the bus when i was in 3rd grade...taking off my beautiful letters and placing to the side for the moment)

girl asks dad for a prom dress

dad says "aight cool...but you have to give me brain."

girl does her thing, and then says "dad, you're stuff tastes like shit..."

dad says "sorry about that, you're brother needed a tuxedo."

i suddenly feel squeemish....

the teacher walked into the classroom and saw the word 'penis' written in very tiny writing on the chalkboard. the teacher looked at the class but nobody fessed up. so she erased it and started class. the next day she found the same word written in bigger letters. slightly annoyed, the teacher just erased it. the next day, she walks in and finds the word 'penis' written in even larger letters. she turns to the class and one boy says 'the more you rub it, the bigger it gets!!'.........(okay that was bad)


i apologize ahead of time for this one.

How do you get four gay guys to sit at one stool?
Turn it upside down.:o :o


oh woe is me...

it's a lil long but here we go:

3 guys go to heaven and meet with St Peter at the Gates. St Peter says all 3 of you will have a means of getting around heaven depending on how faithful you were to your spouse. Man #1 approaches Peter. Peter asks how faithful were you to your wife? Man #1 says "Not too faithful, I slept around with 10 other women during our marriage." Peter says "Ok, you get that beat up Pinto over there." Man #2 approaches Peter and Peter asks the same question. Man #2 says "I was pretty good to my wife, but I had a one night stands but was completely sorry for it." Peter says "alright you get that '89 Honda Civic." Man #3 approaches Peter and Peters asks the same question. Man #3 says "I never cheated on my wife. I loved her dearly." Peter says "ok, you get that 2003 BMW convertable."
Later that day, St Peter finds Man #3 in heaven on the curb crying. Peter asks Man #3 what was wrong.
Man #3 sobs and says "I just saw my wife riding around on a skateboard!"

alright so it isn't gross, but it's one of my favs and all i can think of now :D

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

yeah, thanks...>i< must have been mildly retarded yesterday :)

You guys are going straight to hell. :p

this joke offended me after i read it so i took it off

:( i didn't have the heart to post it

Not so much as a joke but a demonstration on how they USED to talk in the military years ago before political correctness reared up its ugly head. And we all know the Ooooooooold Army was the BEST Army (or Navy (the chain store doesn't count :)) or Air Force). Quoted from Tom Wolfe's The Right Stuff, p.143:

A couple of Arkansas newlyweds are starting to make out in their honeymoon suite. The wife suddenly turns to the husband and says, "Honey, I gotta tell ya something: I's a virgin." The husband says, "You's a WHAT?" He gets up and runs out of the room, leaves the hotel, and goes back to his parents' house. As he walks into his living room, his father says, "Whatcha doin' home, boy?" The husband replies, "Sorry, Paw, but we was about to do it and she tells me she's a virgin. I didn't know what ta do, so I ran." His father says, "Boy, you done the right thing. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours."

a guy is jogging down the beach...sees a lady with no arms and no legs, bawling her eyes out.
guy "whats wrong?"
lady "ive never been hugged by a man before"

the guy looks around to make sure no one is looking. bends down and gives her a hug.

next day, same scenerio
guy "whats wrong?"
lady "ive never been kissed by a man"

the guy looks around to make sure no one is looking. bends down and gives her a kiss.

next day, same scenerio

guy "whats wrong now??"
lady "ive never been screwed before"

guy looks around to make sure no one is looking. he picks her up, throws her in the ocean and says "now your screwed!"

A group of church girls die following a bush crash and they meet St Peter at the Gates heaven. St Peter asks the first girl if she had ever came in contact with a penis. The girl replies "yes, I have, but I only touched the tip of it with my fingers," St Peter tells her to stick her fingers in the holy water and her sins would be forgiven and then she was admitted. St Peter asks the the same question to the second girl if she had ever came in contact with a penis. The girl replies "yes, I have, but I only played with it with my hands," St Peter tells the second girl to stick her hands into the holy water and her sins would be forgiven and then she was admitted. Suddenly, St Peter hears a commotion from the back and sees a girl rushing to the top of the line. He says "what are you in a hurry for, you can wait your turn" The girl replies, "I want to gargle the holy water before Mandy sticks her ass in it."

A man is very concerned about only wanting to marry a virgin. He figures that any woman who knows what a penis looks like, is obviously not a virgin. So whenever he takes a woman out on a date, at some point he pulls out his penis and asks, "What is this?" The woman invariably replies that it's a penis, and that's the end of that.

One evening he takes a young woman out on a date, and a little while into the evening, he pulls out his penis and asks her "What is this?" She replies "A pee-pee." "She must be a virgin," he thinks. He proposes to her on the spot, and they get married.

On their wedding night, in the bedroom, he gets undressed, points to his penis, and asks her "What is this?" "A pee-pee," she replies. "No," he corrects, "it's a penis."

"Like hell," she says. "A penis is a foot long and black!"

(Yep, I'm going to hell. :eek: )

Warning:::: I heard this from my mom!

This woman walks into a car dealership showroom and all the salespeople were busy, so she started looking at a car. She found one that she really liked and opened the car door and leaned inside. As she bent down, she let out a fart. She looked around to make sure no one had noticed and no one was staring at her, so she figured she was in the clear. A salesman walks up to her a few mins later and asks her if she likes the car. She said yes, and how much was it? The salesman said, Lady I can ask my manager, but it you farted looking at the interior, you're gonna shit when you hear the price.

Bah dah bom!

An old man and a little boy are walking into the woods. The old man says "I don't know what you're so scared of I've gotta walk outta here alone!!"

A reporter goes to a rural town to investigate "home remedies". He's standing around the courthouse square and sees and old codger walk up to a mule, stick his finger in the mule's rectum, and then wipe the same finger on his lips. The reporter rushed over and said "Dear lord, what on earth are you doing?" The man said "Well...I gots me some chapped lips" The reporter says "Ah...well, is there something in the "residue" that moisturizes them?" The old man said "Nope, but it keeps ya from lickin' 'em."

Please hold...this isn't working as I want it too :mad: :mad:


(can anyone upload a pic for me to post???)

bad jokes
 

really bad jokes, so ignore my fraternal letters at the end, i am sure i am going straight to hell anyway. won't be on the bus, i'll be driving it saying to all the other ghouls, "HURRY UP, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!!!"


how do you get a 9 year old girl to cry twice?
wipe your bloddy dick on her teddy bear.

what's the worst part about fucking a 9 year old girl?
knowing that the 7 year old is tighter

what's the best part about fucking a 7 year old girl?
hearing the pelvis bone snap.

what's the worst part about fucking a 7 year old girl?
getting blood on your clown suit

what do you do after fucking a 9 year old girl?
turn her over and fuck her like a 7 year old boy

how do you stop a toddler from walking in circles?
nail his other foot to the floor

what's red and bubbly and taps on glass?
a baby in a microwave

what's red and bubbly and taps on glass every 10 seconds?
a baby in a rotating microwave


sorry again. i am not a pedophile or a baby killer, i just find these jokes disturbingly funny

oh my...i used to think that i was not faint of heart but i may have to take that back now...

and I am officially extremely sick to my stomach. EW

Q:what's the easiest way to bump off a homeless person?

A: slam the toilet seat on his head while he's quenching his thirst

I totally agree... EWWWWWWWWWWWW

What does it mean when the Post Office flies the flag at half staff?


They're hiring....


(I'm so sorry....:p )

heard another good one:

a mexican was getting ready to become an american citizen. in order for him to pass his citizenship test he needed to take an english course.
on the day of his exam, the official asks the mexican to use the words "green, pink, and yellow" in a sentence.
the mexican thinks for a bit and then says:

"well, the telephone goes 'green green' i pink it up and say 'Yellow?'"


it sounds better with an accent... just imagine it k ;)

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


To a different bar.....


(boooo)

1. yo mama so fat, she cant even jump to a conclusion
2. yo mama so fat, her cereal bowl has its own lifeguard
3. you mama so fat, when she turns around, she gets a welcome back party
4. yo mama so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to take two trips
5. yo mama so fat, her ass has its own congressmen


When a couple went to bed, the husband wanted to read a book. As the wife was trying to sleep, she felt her husband start founding with her vagina. When he stopped, she sat up to take off her clothes. Her husband asked, "What are you doing?"
The wife said, "Dont you want to do some foreplay?"
The husband, "No, I just wanted to get my fingers moist to turn the pages."


A man walks into the doctor.
The man- " Doc, I need you to take a look at my penis"
The Doctor- "Alright, just hop on the bed and take it out. I will have a look at it.
The man unzips his pants and takes out his 12 inch penis.
The doctor- "Well, I dont see anything worng with it. It looks perfectly healthy."
The man- "I know. But isnt it a beauty!"

:p :p

What do peacocks have sex with?

Peacunts.

LESS OFFENSIVE
 

here are some better jokes.


this deaf couple are having trouble communicating when they go to bed, so one night, before they turn off the lights, the woman signs to her man "if you want to make love tonight, squeeze my left breast once, if you do not want to make love, squeeze my right breast twice." the man signs back, "ok, if you want to make love, stroke my penis once, if you do not want to make love, stroke it 150 times"


this old man walks into a doctor's office and says to the receptionist, "i need to see the doctor right away, something is wrong with my penis." the receptionist gets all embarassed at how open the man is and replies, "sir, don't you think you are a little too open? lets try this again, but instead of the word penis, say ear." the man leaves the office only to return right away and goes to the receptionist and says, "ma'am, there is something wrong with my ear, i need to see a doctor right away." the receptionist says "ok, what is wrong?" the man replies, "i can't piss out of it!"


a little better?