Tips to Brighten Your Day
 

THESE ARE TIPS WE CAN ALL USE!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the
toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock
will prevent you from rolling over and going back
sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

:D

LaDeia
"...jokes, jokes and more jokes..."
-poster on a comedy club

Re: Tips to Brighten Your Day
 

CT4,

This is TOO funny!:D

My favorites are 2 and 6.........:D

I am going to print this list out and post it in the student lunch room. Way to funny!!!!:D :D :D

That was funny - thanks CT4!!! I have to send it to my friends. :D

Always Remember
 

Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.

If You woke up breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside
me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish and he can eat two meals in a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.

12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
windshield.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips
are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
butt... then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it
too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age
11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

CTFU!!! CT4 you kill me, I love it!!!! Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night. BWAHAHAHHAHA!!!

I did not write these. I got them in an e-mail yesterday. That sleeping pill/laxative one was hilarious.

Oh, I know it - - It's just that so many people get these kind of emails and never think to post them - - I'm glad you do! :)

** Thoughts for Today **

1. Birds of a feather flock together.....and crap on your car. :mad:

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for IF you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. :(

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. :o

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs." :eek:

BWAHAHAHAH...Bout spit out the kool-aid on this one. Too funny. :d

Me and You are Friends.......








You Fight, I Fight........








You Hurt, I Hurt........







You Cry, I Cry.........








You Jump Off a Bridge....























I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb azz!!!!



:p

No you didn't!!!!!!!!
 

Ladies vs. Real Women
 

Ladies - If you accidentally spill over salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt foran instant "fix-me-up."


Real Woman - If you spill over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you Will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to create a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Woman - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman - Leftover wine??

And remember... good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dang...that was fun!"

3 Words
 

OUT OF CONTROL!!! "Leftover wine??"

I'm still CTFU @ the "never sleep and take a laxative" joke :D

I gots two words.......
 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...