Should I be upset?
 

Okay I know that guys can't be changed, but lately I have been very fed up with my bf who lives an hour away. He rarely calls--he used to call me everyday. When he does call it is only for a few mintues, yet he always has time for his friends. He sees me usually once every 2 weeks sometimes a few more times. Whenever we go out to eat--he asks his friends first and then calls and asks if I want to go. In the 21/2months we've dated we've only gone to dinner by ourselves 3 times. He also never compliments--which I tell him drives me nuts--I want to be told that he finds me attractive etc. I feel like I constantly bitch at him bc he doesn't compliment me, doesn't spend alone time with me etc so does this mean our relationship is doomed? I like his friends bc I grew up with them, but how can our relationship grow if we never get time to communicate?

Sounds like he isn't interested in dating. You sound like his back up and possibly a booty call.

I think only you can answer this. Different people ,different needs. I would be upset if a guy would put his friends first majority of the time. I would kick him to the curb for that. However, compliments are such a non-issue for me that I wouldn't even notice if he didn't compliment me...as long as he didn't insult me.

Have you talked to him about this?

Communication is key to any relationship..as you know. You can't force anyone to do anything that they don't want to do...they'll only resent you for it. This might sound harsh....and I really don't want it to....but I would be wary of a relationship that is having communication problems this early on. Usually relationships are still in the "honeymoon" phase at 2.5 months. Maybe he is starting to see you as more of a buddy??? Only you can know the details and true dynamics of the relationship....but it's something you need to examine now instead of dragging out an unhappy situation (if that's indeed what it is). I'm sorry your relationship is having trouble right now though...I hope things work out for the best.

I agree that communication is the key here. Tell your bf what you want and need. The reality is that he might want something different from what you want.

I do tell him what I need. He told me has never been good at giving or receiving compliments. Also I know that he has issues with females because his mom walked out on his family when he was 13, when he was 17 he dropped out of school to support himself working since his dad was laid off. Also, his ex-gf cheated on him and got pregnant. (IT has been a yr and half since they broke up--he is still friends with her though). SHe is married and lives in another state.

You've been together 2 1/2 months, and you don't feel like you're a priority. (at least that's what I'm hearing.) Most likely, this won't change. If this is his "best behavior" as the first few months often is, he's leaving alot to be desired. Why waste more time? If you know that you want someone who wants to spend time alone with you and compliments you, then find them. Don't stay with someone who is the opposite.

Just my $.02.

Edited to say - we all have issues with the opposite sex somewhere. Has everyone had nothing but perfect relationships? How many women have dealt with their fathers leaving, and how many men have dealt with their mothers leaving? If you want a healthy, loving relationship, find someone who is already healthy and loving.

Crystal

I agree with Crystal - if he is like this now, then whats to be desired? I mean, every guy that I went out with that started off stupid, just became more idiotic as more time passed.

I wouldn't make excuses for him either, I mean we ALL have issues! - if you keep finding reasons to stay with him, you'll forget why you wanted to leave him and you'll end up miserable

Ok, I agree with those who have said that it is probably not going to get any better. Since you're only 2 1/2 months into the relationship, now is the time to break it off if he's not making you happy. You should be happy in a relationship, not constantly frustrated because the person isn't being what you would like them to be.

That said, I would like to say that *sometimes* a guy can start off this way and then later change. When my fiance and I started dating, we lived 3 hours apart. There were times when I got so frustrated with his seeming to not care that I almost did break up with him. Even now I wonder why I never did. But now we live together and we're happily engaged, and I know that he loves me very much. In our situation, he pulled away before because of the distance.

So now that I've given two sides to the issue, I think it's clear that only you can decide what's best for you. But it seems to me that if he doesn't make an effort to spend time with just you when you ARE able to see each other, then this isn't a relationship that's going to work out.

To be blunt... as little as you see him/hear from him, WHAT RELATIONSHIP?

Re: Should I be upset?
 

If you bitched at me constantly, I wouldn't spend time alone with you either.

Are you kidding me?

Look at it like this - you've been 'going out' for almost 10 weeks - that's nothing, in a realistic sense. Also, this time has been "distance" relationship, making it even less than that. So why would you expect to suddenly take the place of his friends?

Simply put - they were there first, and if you continue to bitch at him, they'll be there last.

It sounds like you have horribly unrealistic expectations of this boy. It also sounds like you want him to capitulate, without you having to change at all - ie "give me what i want, you bastard, or you're an insensitive, incommunicative asshole" . . . that sounds fair huh?

Bottom line - don't expect anything unless you ask for it, and are willing to give the same in return . . . and NO, you're not doing that right now, although you think you are.

agree with KT on this one. Too early to make a sound judgement. If it's this bad now wait until the later stages. That's when u really find out about a person. Good/Bad things come out. The first few months are mostly a facade anyway. IF u don't like it now get out.

KSig RC - She said she feels like she bitches at him - sounds like she realizes that's not great. Don't you think you're being a little too harsh? At least she's telling him her expectations, which a lot of girls don't do. Most of us expect you to just know. And surprise - if he's a good guy, these aren't unrealistic. She's not asking to come before his friends, just to be a priority and have time with him. Spending time together is one of the points in having a relationship.

AlphaSigLana, have you talked to him yet, or how are things going?

Crystal

I'm pretty sure he dumped me. I talked to a mutual friend and he had talked to Jason, but Jason never talked about me. Ive called Jason numerous times . I also left a msg saying that since he hasn't returned my calls I'm assuming that is his way of dumping me. He won't return my calls and I know he isgetting them bc his cell will ring a lot then I leave a msg. I called back later and his phone was off. I'm really upset. a Lot of gc'ers know from previous posts how important it was to me to be in a relationship. MY #1 dream was to find someone and marry right after I graduated college. Well I graduate in a year and I know that I am not getting married by then. I feel like a reject for being 21 and the longestrelationship of my life was 3 months. I made it out of bed,but I keep getting teary eyed and crying and I'm trying to compse myself before class. Life feels so hopeless.

Lana - I used to have that same dream, but it did not come true, thank God!!! Or I'd probably be a divorced single mom by now.

You have a whole world in front of you - everyone goes through different experiences at different times - don't feel like you are on a timetable. The more you want something, the more it will elude you. I feel like I'm just spewing cliches at you but trust me, there is NO reason to feel like you're a reject.

I'm not trying to be a douche bag here, just trying to (bluntly) point out that there are sides to this she's not looking at, or has and hasn't told us about. If it came off as harsh, well, that wasn't the intention, but that's how it is.

Remember - there's three sides to every story - hers (which we have), his, and the truth.

In an aside - Lana, you probably shouldn't be worried about not being married after college, and your lack of 'experience'. Everyone progresses at their own rate - however, use even short-term relationships as building blocks toward future improvement.

Listen to what people have said - EVEN IF IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

hahahaha - just caught this one . . .

Poorly worded; hopefully that was simply insinuating that I'm a dickhead, and not how you truly feel.

Spending time together is a necessary element of a relationship - but in this situation, where the guy lives removed from the girl, it did seem, to my mind, that the girl was primarily pissed b/c he "seems to find time for his friends, and not for me."

Well, SURPRISE! - your guy might certainly value his friends more than you, at the start of a relationship, if he's a "good guy" and well-adjusted. This is NOT a bad thing - this shows that he values the time and energy he puts into maintaining his close relationships with other people who value him in the same way.

This bodes well for the girlfriend - first of all, the girl can step into this reciprocal bond over time, as it is built between him and her. Second, the guy has developed (to a certain extent) those social skills which help when a relationship gets rocky; these may not be polished, but they are at least nascent in his personality.

The downside would be potential insulation of his feelings and views - sort of like what happens on this message board, come to think of it . . .

Anyway, it's not as much of a downside, or an element of being a "bad guy", as I think some are making it out to be. Personally, I would prefer a girl to tell me she was going out with her friends, especially early on in a relationship, rather than cutting them out to be with me - while it would be flattering at first, after about 10 weeks I would think it to be getting old, or indicative of a nature I'm not into.

Again, no offense meant to you, MTSUGURL, or to AlphaSigLana - hopefully this is enlightening as to how guys think, and where my earlier post came from.

Lana, I'm sorry that you feel bad. Many women go off to college and hope to meet and marry after graduation. I know only one couple who actually did that. At 21, I had very little experience also. There is nothing wrong with that.

It can really take a toll on your feelings of self-worth if you have unrealistic expectations. Do you want to get married right after college or do you want to marry the right man at the right time? I think the latter. Focus on yourself, your happiness, and your education. The rest will fall into place. A friend of mine had a similar dream. She wanted to get married right after law school, and she did. She soon became a mother. Within a few years, she became, as 33girl described, a divorced single mother.

I'm rambling a little, but my point is life is not hopeless. There will be wonderful things out there for you. One day you will meet someone who wants the same things as you. it is definitely worth waiting for Mr. Right. :) Right now you are in pain which is understandable, but this too shall pass.

Yes there are two sides to the story. let me make it clear also that I told him I would try not to complain as much, but needed him to make an effort. He lives an hour away so often I would go stay at my parents house bc he lives near them, we would have plans to go out, but then he'd fall asleep or something would come up and they'd be canceled. I understood the first few times, but after awhile it gets hold. BTW-I don't have a car, so it wasn't like I could just go right back to my apt and hang out with my girlfriends. I have know Jason for 9 years, well I haven't seen him those whole 9 years and obvioiusly he is different from when he is 13, so maybe I expected more from him because I was comfortable with him. Anyway I am feeling better-- moments of sadness do creep by, but my friends have been super supportive. I also realize that I was unhappy too (as stated earlier). So maybe it is for the best even though it hurts and I thought I could make it work. But better to quit now than date him for 2 yrs and then find out he doesn't want me( that would really piss me off--cuz then I'd feel I wasted my time).
Oh yeah-- when Jason and I talked when we first got together-- I made sure to inform him that I was high maintenance (when it comes to relationships) I said that I need to spend time with my guy etc--obviously not every freaking minute bc that would drive me nuts. SO he knew from the beginning that I wanted a lot from him. Maybe my expectations are too high.

smartest thing that's been said so far in this thread, in my opinion

sounds like you're on the right track - use it to your benefit in the long run

Life is never hopeless...believe me. And after all of the things I've been trough, I have the right to say that. Life is never hopeless. There is only a person that gives up hope and that's something tat you can't do.

You are 21 years old, to most people life hasn't even started yet. Many say that life begins after college. You don't need to be married right out of school. Of course it is always good to have that special soemone and be in a relationship, but that isn't the world, that isn't all that matters.

You have to get down deep inside yourself, there is hope there, you can find it. Find yourself in the things you enjoy most like reading a book, watchign movies, hanging out with friends.

Know what I do when I get down and depressed and feel like things are losing hope? I go to my picture album and look through all the pictures that I have. The ones of when I was a baby, then the ones when I was in my younger years. Then I look at the ones of me getting a little older and finally the ones that have been taken around my college years. I look at my pictures from two years ago and even last year and it already seems so far away and I can tell that I look different. THings are progressing.....you are growing up, you are starting to encounter things in life that you never had to deal with before. It's all part of that "growing up" phase.


Don't let some boy hold you down.......pull you down or bring you down. Get back up, brush off the dust and keep truckin.

alphasig girl i know exactly how you feel. me and this guy have been seeing each other since thanksgiving. and i have known the boy since i was 5 we grew up together in a really small town. well i hadn't seen him since we graduated in 98 and when we ran into each other we just hit it off.. i also think it was a comfort thing. and just like you i tried to tell him in the beginning becuase we live 4 hours away from each other when i am in school but i told him i expected a lot and other things about me that would have probably scared someone off ( i over react to everything) but i tried to warn him if he wasn't in it to be for real then lets not start anything. well we did and almost 4 months later we are barely speaking to each other. he just stopped calling and i was always complaining about things he didn't do. i know some of it is my fault but i am not taking all the blame. he obviously isn't worth it and if he is then it will happen.
and like you said much better to end now then know 2 years from now. he graduates in may and is moving to myrtle beach for a job and when i graduated in december we had talked about me going there to live with him.. that was a pretty stupid idea and thank god i did not actually do it...

Well I talked to him last night. We eventually decidedthat we are just going to have a trial separation. Basicall we aren't getting with any other people. We're not dating,but we're going to still talk and refocus on being friends and then eventually we'll decide if we should just be friends or more than that. He said I really hurt his feelings in the msg Sat and that he wanted to see how I'd react if hedidn't call. he didn't like the msgs I left bc He didn't like me putting a deadline on when he needed to call me etc. Of course I cried during the whole conversation. He said is life is sh*t right now. Anyway I feel a little better bc at least we are going to try to figure out our problems.
This morning I went running and I have't ran hard since when I was on the cross country team.

Lana,

I know it's none of my business, but by posting it here you sort of made it all our business.

First, I want to say that by making it your goal to get married right after college... you are sort of setting yourself up for an unhappy marriage. Instead of waiting for the right person, you would just take what comes along to meet your timeline? Don't do that, you'd be selling yourself short. And, as someone who just graduated from college, I can tell you that you'd be missing out on a lot of fun.

Second, by making it your goal to get married, you probably freak boys out a little. They can sense this stuff and when you start getting all relationship-y real quick, they want like it unless they are ready for that.

Third, I think you should take this time to focus on yourself instead of on this boy and on "being friends.' Think about what you really want... you may realize he's not it.

Good luck...