Cry Me A River... should I?
 

You know that stupid Justin Timberlake song? Yeah, that's my ex-boyfriend's new anthem.

I went to college, joined a sorority, got a little excited and ignored him for a couple of months. Then things went smoothly again, and although we weren't officially together, we pretty much acted like we were. Went home for winter break and it was as if nothing has changed.

Then two weeks ago he tells me he's met some other girl. Apparently nearly two years of history doesn't mean anything to him now that he has somebody new, although as of now they're not together.

His spring break and my spring break are at different times. He told me that IF he has time, he'll drive down to see me, but I absolutely cannot go to his school the way I used to. He didn't really specify why.

I KNOW that he's not going to make time to see me while I'm home. Should I drive up to see him at his school even though he told me not to?

This may sound pyscho (it sure does to him) but I honest to God love this boy and I can't lose him. Any advice?

I'm not asking for sympathy or anything because I don't deserve any since I was such a stupid girl for pushing him away in the first place... I just want some advice.

Editted to Add: Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'm pretty sure his fraternity that he just pledged may have something to do with this. I went to their semi-formal and we had a horrible time together, and I was publically campaigning for my ex with another GLO at his school. URG, STUPID GIRL, Annie.

Thanks.

XOXO,
Annie.

Maybe if you "ignored" him for a few months he is deciding to do the same to you? I mean if you love him, how could you ignore him, even if you joined a sorority? That might have shown him that you cared about other things more than him and maybe he's showing you that now.....

Re: Cry Me A River... should I?
 

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

You should NOT, under ANY circumstances, go visit him. First of all, by saying "If I have time..." (when you know darn well he won't), he is saying that he's not interested in seeing you. Also, I think that by telling you not to come see him at school, he is really saying that he's got something going on there that you don't want to see, or that he doesn't want to lose because you show up there.

I pretty much agree with what damasa said. By ignoring him, you already showed that you're not that interested, and he's already moved on. I think it's time for you to do the same.

you sound like half of our new class

memo to you: THERE ARE OTHER BOYS!

i think that i can say on behalf of the girls on here
that you will break up with your high school sweetie
and it's better that it happened now
rather than later. . .you catching him cheating
hopefully, you'll get over this
and learn that there is life outside of freshman and sophomore crushes
in fact, when you turn 21, guys will be on you like a heat-seeking missile

just remember: THIS TOO SHALL PASS. . .

You're not going to score any points with him by coming to visit him after he told you not to. Basically, what everybody else said is true -- any attempts you make to be clingy and "win him back" are just going to be deemed stalker-esque and lame in his eyes, and make it even less likely that he'll want to get back together with you. The best thing you can do is take some time out, convince yourself you deserve better and get over him. No matter what it seems like now, there are many, many other boys out there and I'm sure you'll find one who will treat you better.

My advice...

Guys are a dime a dozen but friends are forever. Spend some time hanging out with your sisters, do girlie things, have fun, live it up, make lots of fun memories, flirt with guys without feeling guilty, and when you aren't expecting it...some new incredible guy will enter your life and it will be happily ever after.

And trust me...I know that ending things after 2 years of history together has to hurt, but sometimes letting go is the best thing in the end...plus he sounds like he's being slightly jerkish at the moment and who needs that?!?!?!

NO GUY IS WORTH IT!

Don't go!
 

Yeah, he has another girlfriend. Dump him. You will find other men near you.
-M

It's been my experience...
 

that guys like it when you ignore them and treat them like crap. Sad but true. Not crap all the time, but once in a while just to show them you aren't under their thumb. unfortunatley I know a lot of girls like this too. Can't be happy unless their b-friend is being an ass. Anyhoo. Ignore him. If that doesn't get him back, then date other guys. That almost always works!If not, well it wasn't meant to be. Sorry:(

My best friends philosophy:
"Men are like kittens. I can get a new one for free any time I want."

Re: It's been my experience...
 

What are you talking about "get him back?" I don't understand it!!!!!

SHe stated they aren't really together anymore anyway. Not to mention the fact that she joined a sorority, got all excited and "ignored" him for a FEW months. I don't want to sound like the ass, but in all respects to the situation, she brought it on herself.

I mean think about it, maybe he is just doing to her what she did to him. Because he doesn't want her to come up doesn't mean that he has "something on the side." Of course it could be, but that's not FACT. He could just be ignoring her like she did to him for a good amount of time.

I still don't understand how someone could just ignore the person they love for a long period of time like that. Maybe it wasn't reall love? Maybe he was just there to cocupy her time?

I had a very similar situation my freshman year of college. I got into the whole college scene, making new friends and everything, and didn't have as much time for my then-boyfriend anymore... especially since he was still in high school (I was a year older than him). I'd go through periods where I'd totally ignore him and then when I realized that I was effectively pushing him away, I'd suddenly start paying a lot more attention to him. It went back and forth like this for about 3 months, and then he finally got tired of it and dumped me for another girl. Looking back on it now, I know I really brought it on myself. But the bright side is, I started dating my best guy friend at the time shortly after my ex and I broke up and now we're engaged and very happy together! So look at it as being free to find Mr. Right :)

Re: Re: It's been my experience...
 

Okay, you can try to do a Freudian assessment of what my subconscious is really thinking, that maybe he's just to "occupy" my time, but is that really fair? All we have here is each other's word, and I'm saying that I love him. Sorry, but whether or not that statement is true isn't for you to judge.

I already stated that I didn't want nor did I expect any sympathy. I certainly didn't expect any kind of overemotional reaction such as yours, Damasa, either.

I just wanted ADVICE as to how I can improve the situation... you stated your opinion, and then you got personal. If you have nothing to say that will help, why add to this thread? I've already said that I accept responsibility for what I did, that I don't need anybody to cry for me, and that all I want is a little advice... I don't need you to judge the validity of my feelings for this guy.

XOXO,
Annie.

Re: Re: Re: It's been my experience...
 

You never received an over-emotional reaction from me. I have no reason to get over-emotional, I have no idea who the heck you are and to be honest I don't really care. I'm not giving you sympathy, but it seems like a few others in this thread are. My point was YOU brought this on yourself. I don't judge your statements about you loving him or him loving you. BUt if he doesn't love you, can you REALLY blame him? I mean if you did it to you, he could sure do the same to you. And if he is possibly doing that, do you want to attempt to put yourself in that spot?

Look, I'm not trying to get personal here, so just take a step back and chill for a minute.


Don't set yourself up for hearbreak you know? So you did what you did, fine, but if he doesn't want to be with you anymore, you just have to accept that and move on. Basically what I'm saying is you shouldn't expect anything right now. Take time to step back from the situation and see how things go. If you two are meant to be, you will be. Do you kinda see what I'm getting at now?

Let him come to you.....don't go to him.

I think it's time to move on...

Regardless of what happened in the past he has made it clear that he doesn't want you to visit him. So don't. If you do you're setting yourself up for not just heartbreak, but a potentially bad reputation as a stalker that WILL come back and bite you in the ass again, especially if you have mutual friends.

And on another note: you asked for opinions on your situation. Attacking damasa for giving his makes no sense. Either accept his advice or ignore it, don't get mad at him for doing what you asked: responding.

Geez.

If he doesn't want you to visit, don't just show up and surprise him. He is involved with someone else.

Trust me, if he says he doesn't want you to visit him, that means he is with another girl. And if you show up, you are going to get yourself into a situation that you really don't want to deal with. I have done this before, and it really made things horrible between us. I also agree with what some of the others have said about moving on. My high school sweetheart and I were together when I started college, and I slowly started to realize that we had nothing in common anymore. He had different plans for what he wanted in life. While it was hard to let go of the 4 + year relationship, I let go and didn't look back for awhile. I stopped hanging out with the people that we hung out with together (they were his friends to start off with), I put everything away relating to us, and I removed his name from my IM list. I basically alienated myself from him to make the transition process easier. Now that I look back at our relationship (it's been over for 3 years), I know that I made the correct decision and that I really didn't feel for him the way that I thought I did. He wasn't the person I loved...I just loved the security of knowing where our relationship stood.

I am assuming that you are a freshman or somewhere early in college. Trust me, you are going to have the best time in the years to come. You will meet many new people and meet plenty of guys to flirt with. Enjoy it while you can. You never know when you will meet the person of your dreams. But if you don't separate yourself from him now, you might just get stuck in the routine of the relationship and hate yourself for passing up the prime years of college.

I hope all of this makes sense. I am writing this at 3 am. Good luck and remember you have your sisters to help you get through the tough times!

Jadey

Logic and emotion? Oil and water lol?

Haven't we all seen this pattern before? Boy/girl date for long time. One of them feels REALLY secure and decides to look around. So she releases her mate back into the wild, secretly thinking that he won't leave the backyard lol. Then he gets really upset when she starts moving on and tries to get him back.

But in reality, while she was free she crushed on various guys and only when those didn't work out did she go back and discover he actually left. IF she had found someone else, she would have just moved on.

Our friends do stuff like that all the time . . . good or bad you know?

So lets be nice about it.

Plus you guys are a little harsh in being like "move on!" The boy did nothing wrong here and he is not being mean. And just because he doesn't want her intruding on his new social life, doesn't mean that he has a new GF. He just has a new life, and doesn't want a surpirse visit.

Annie, just because I said that was the normal pattern doesn't means it fits your situation exactly.

But if you wantt o keep him, you need to keep as much positive contact with him as possible. Preferably some physical stuff also.

The way to keep a guy is a lot of contact that is very upbeat.

The way to keep a girl is a lot of contact that is more negative than upbeat. Odd but true.

So don't get all sad and mad at him on the phone. Boys avoid emotional conflict while women seem to embrace it. Haven't yall figured that out by now? Boys will avoid you if you give them a lot of emotional pain or discomfort.

And dangle positive bait from time to time . . like tickets to something he likes or activites to something he loves.

Always be flirty and a little sexy. There is very little mystery to maintaining a good relationship or the Act of Seduction it usually just comes don to good consistent Social Skills.

Good luck getting him back.

Annie, after thinking more about this, I would guess that you already know what the right thing to do is here. By "ignoring" him for a few months, I think you already decided that you have a lot of living to do while you're in school and don't need to be tied down by a relationship with someone who isn't in the same town while you are so young. I think you already know that you're too young to be tied down already, and were probably taking the first steps away from this relationship. Now, however, that he is drawing back from you, maybe it makes you a little afraid because you realize that, although it's what you want, you don't have as much control over the situation as you originally thought -- although it was, at first, you moving away from him, now he is moving away from you as well. Losing control, to whatever extent, is always at least a little scary.

Of course, I could be full of crap, but it is clear from the posts you make on greekchat that you are a confident young woman with a ton of amazing qualities. Move on and really enjoy your college years.

Good lord, James, what kind of freaks have you been hanging out with that would make you think this is true? I would have absolutely no interest in spending time around someone with whom I have a great deal of negative contact.

Oh I agree, however, you must admit that you don't always answer things on here, "typically" lol.

But come on, aren't we all constantly amazed at how long our friends will stay in negative relationships? People (generalizing) will often stay longer in a negative relationship than a positive one. Think about it.

Yeah, I guess you're right. That's pretty weird, huh?

It's so much easier said that done to "move on". I, too, went to college with my high school sweetheart and then ended up breaking up with him. It was the best decision I ever made although it hurt a lot at the time. If you are a freshman or a sophomore, use your time being single to have fun. Go out on socials, meet new guys, have fun with your sisters. Do all this before your classes start getting more major-intense and your liver starts to hate on you. You'll learn so much more about yourself being single than you ever will being with him. Being single will give you a chance to find out exactly what you're looking for a guy and go searching for those qualities. That way, your next relationship will hopefully work out. DON'T visit him. I know you probably have an intense urge to visit him in hopes that he'll see what he's missing and take you back. To put it bluntly, he'll probably get very annoyed that you visited him after he told you not to and your chances of even being friends with him will quickly diminish. To take your mind off the urge to visit him, make plans with your friends. Hang out with your sorority. Go home and visit your family over the weekend. Anything to keep you busy. Most of all: don't talk to him for a while. It'll just make it so much harder on you. In a few weeks, it'll hurt a lot less. Good luck.

Is it good advice to say the generally accepted thing?

I am not criticizing, but we all give the standard advice in these situations:

Too young to be invovled, long distance relationship . . play the field etc.

I used to also, but as I get older I wonder how good that advice is? Maybe when you are in love you should just ride with it and invest a lot of effort in making it work?

After all in other threads we give advice on maintaining long distance relationships. In other threads we all ooh and ahhh over a candle pass which means some 20-21 year old is getting engaged to get MARRIED.

So if 18-19 year old shark in skirt is too young to be in a committed relationship with her childhood sweetheart (which if she were to end up with him would be a Lifetime movie) Then shouldn't we be telling these women that want to get married at 20-21-22 to run away?

And shouldn't we be telling those women that want long distance relationships to find someone to love that is closer and therefore can fulfill more of their needs without lonliness and pain?

Just curious:)

Here I go...I personally would NEVER ooh and ahhh over a candle pass for a 21 year old. IMHO, that is FAR too young to be getting engaged. Maybe I'm not the typical female, but I can't imagine why a woman in her early twenties would even be THINKING about getting married. When I was that age, I never did.

I'm a firm believer in having fun and being chill about things when you're young, because the college years are a time of self-discovery and if you're in a serious relationship that lasts for a long time, I think that your ability to grow as a strong, independent woman is at least somewhat hampered.

I just can't help but think that those who end up married to the people they started dating in high school are, someday down the road, going to feel frustrated. Of course, this isn't true for everybody, but I think that many of us need to run wild at least a little to get it out of our systems. Otherwise, for women in particular, I think the urge will hit them when they're a little older -- although I'm sure the same is true for guys.

Interesting thought, James.

I don't think the issue is so much being young or the long distance thing. I think it's that they need to figure out exactly what they want in a relationship. Like she said, she ignored him few for a few months and now he's with another girl.
Maybe one day they'll get married and have millions of babies. You never know. But, out of all the people I know who went to college still dating their HS sweetheart (a good 20+ of them), there is just one who is still with hers. It does happen but it's rare.

I think she should use this break in her relationship to figure some things out. Maybe her figuring things out will lead her back to him. But, she won't know until she has that time to herself.

Use this break to your advantage. Have fun and allow him to do the same. It hurts but if you guys are right for each then it'll work out in the end.

This is the best advice anyone will take from this thread.

I know it sucks, but I have to agree with all of the people saying "move on". Honestly, I only know one couple who stayed with their high school boy/girlfriend and went to different schools. They weren't that far apart, and she spent most weekends visiting him.

The fact is, college is probably the most life-altering time most young people experience. It's supposed to be. People grow and change in different ways based on their life experiences and the best thing you can do is realize that and accept how you both have grown apart.

Don't go visit him over your spring break. If he is still interested in a relationship with you, he'll come to you. If not, then chalk it up to experience and learn from it.

Um, excuse me, I'm engaged and I'm 21. :p If I'm ready, I don't think it's anyone else's business. And no, he was not my high school sweetheart. :rolleyes: BUT I should add that I graduated from college last year and now have a steady income with a pretty good job. I will agree that without those things in place, any age may be "too young." So I'll be 22 when I get married... big deal. I feel ready for it. But I know there won't be any children for a long time :p

In response to the age issue...

I think anyone would agree that the difference from 18 to 21 is a big one. You discover a lot about yourself through college.

Now, I, myself, could never have gotten married at 21. It's a personal decision that everyone has to make for themselves.

Age vs maturity
 

I have to say that there has been some really interesting advice on here. The only thing I know to do is post my story and hope someone takes something away from it... the ONLY advice I will give to the original post is DO NOT GO SEE HIM. You will only be left feeling embarrased when he walks by and tells you he has something going on... I agree that you should live your life, let him live his and see if you are brought back together.

Okay, on to my story... I was engaged at 18. It was my H.S. sweetheart and I got all caught up in the whole "first" thing. Neither of us was ready to wed but both of us were scared to break it off. He ended up finding someone else (behind my back) and it created hard feelings between us. In the end, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was able to move on (even though I didn't think I wanted to) and go to the college events I wanted to without having to justify why I was there or getting the 3rd degree about what happened there. My last year of college I was set up on a blind date over summer break. The relationship survived the 500+ mile distance and we were married at ages 27 and 28 (despite both of starting the relationship saying we did not want to get married). By the time we were married, we both knew what we wanted in life and couldn't imagine finding someone so "in-tune" with where we were and where we wanted to be. I think the reason we lasted and have remained as happy as we are is that neither of us pressured or felt pressure to get married. It was never an issue. In fact, when he proposed, I thought he was being cute and giving me a peanut-butter & jelly sandwhich after I had to work late. Come to think of it, I never had dinner that night... :p

Okay - don't know if the message will reach the people that need it but oh well... my last comment is that age is not as big of an issue, as is maturity. While the sometimes are related, they can often be very far apart.

I'd just like to state the fact that I agree that there is a huge difference between 18 and 21. There's a huge difference between 18 and 19! I can see that already and I'm not quite 20.

I already gave my advice but since other people are telling their stories, I've decided to give mine too. When I first went away to college, I broke up with the guy I'd been dating. We'd been together for a year and a half but we were going to be halfway across the country from each other so we figured it wouldn't work. We both ended up being lonely and homesick first semester and decided to get back together over Thanksgiving break. As soon as I got back to school second semester I saw how much of a mistake this was -- second semester was so much better than the first and I was becoming a completely different person. I broke up with him over spring break and never looked back. I should have never gotten back together with him in the first place.

Not a single one of the "high school sweethearts" I know made it past spring break of their freshman year. You just change and grow too much over the course of college, and if you're in different places you probably will grow apart.

Not that this has anything to do with the original topic, but it seems to me like a lot of people would rather live for the good parts in an overall negative relationship than worry that something positive might end. My guess is that if you can deal with the negativity, it's at least consistent, and the only surprises in the relationship are good. The same people, when put in good relationships, get scared about the other shoe dropping and leave before they can get hurt. Yeah, negative relationships hurt too, but it's easier for some people to be in a crappy relationship that they really don't care about than get all emotionally invested in someone great because, at some point, things might get tough and they'll actually, *gasp*, care.

Screwed up, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Re: It's been my experience...
 

No, not all guys like this. My boyfriend would be devistated if I treated him this way. He is much better than that.