Is he too cheap?
 

Okay, here's a sticky situation. Got a call from a friend today who has a problem. She was using her boyfriend's computer (don't know why, didn't ask) and stumbled across a link saved in his browser for what appears to be her engagement ring. Good news in and of itself and Valentine's Day is coming right up. The problem is that it's a really cheap ring ($650 for the engagement and band set) despite the fact that he makes about $40K per year, it's much more garish than the simple little solitaire she'd always wanted and (I think this is the worst part actually) it looks like he's buying it from a picture on a website instead of even going to a store.

Two questions: Is it wrong to be disappointed with your engagement ring? Furthermore, is there any way to express your disappointment without sounding like a horrid, horrid person?

I need a wider variety of perspective here. Personally I think she could do better than this guy anyway but I'm trying to be supportive. So, what do you think?

Oh, that's awful.

Now, I don't mean that because I think that guys should always go out and spend a fortune on a ring. I don't think that a ring should have to be outrageously expensive at all, although I have to admit that I am thinking that that is a really cheap ass ring. Sorry, but it's true. I mean, buy what you can afford, but dude can probably afford something much nicer.

However, the real tragedy here as I see it is that he is buying her a ring that is not her style, and that it doesn't seem that he has consulted her as to what type of ring she would like. Of course, it is *sort of* romantic for a guy to pick out an engagement ring all on his own. However, if he is going to do this, he should at least do some research -- like, ask her what she likes. He could even be subtle about it so as not to ruin it. That said, I really think that the selection of an engagement ring should be something that a couple does together. Yes, he's buying it, but she's the one that's going to be wearing it for (maybe) the rest of her life, especially if it is intended to be worn with the wedding band.

If she really intends to marry this guy, I think that she should try to somehow bring up a discussion of engagement rings before he actually gives her one. It's probably much, much easier to make a change before he gives it to her than it would be after.

Of course, it may not be her ring at all. Maybe he saved the link to mess with her and he's really planning to get something amazing. ;)

LOL. This is wrong on so many levels.

1. She looked at a link on his computer and saw her engagement ring. NOSY. I know this is going to be a point of contention, kind of like checking your significant other's voicemail, caller id, etc. But still. If she wasn't being nosy, she wouldn't have come across the ring and she wouldn't have anything to worry about (until he proposed to her, lol).

2. Cheap at $650? And he only makes 40k a year?? What do you expect that man to do, shell out an entire car note and house note when he is barely making it as it is?? 40k is NOT that much. And for an engagment ring, I am SURE that $650 can buy something that doesn't look "cheap".

3. Ok, so the ring is ugly. Have your friend and this guy ever taked about marraige before? Or is this supposed to be a big surprise? If they have talked about it, tell your friend to approach the subject of ring shopping with him and how she would rather go together so they can pick out something they both like. If it is supposed to be a surprise, whoo-hoo she ruined it! lol

Well, I wouldn't jump to any conclusion. Perhaps he is interested in taking the photo to a jeweler because he was interested in some aspect of the ring.

$650 is exceptionally cheap for a guy making $40K/year. That's exactly what my boy makes and the rings he said were in his price range were about $6500+

If you consider that a platinum setting should cost, at most $300, that's leaving $350 for a stone. That doesn't buy you too much of a diamond. It's probably one of those rings that has the "pave" look, except its a million tiny diamonds that equal one carat total.

I don't know the guy's total financial situation, but if he's young and doesn't have too many expenses (my guy lives at home and his car note is only $300/month), it sounds like he's skimping for a quick-fix engagement.

How much you spend on a ring doesn't equal love. But it does show the level of commitment a guy has for you when he takes the time to know what you like, your tastes, and whether or not he's willing to take a little bit of a financial hit for you. If he's buying himself stuff left and right, and then doing this, then, yeah, its really cheap.

If she was looking at his bookmarks, that's not really that nosy- maybe she was looking for a site she knew he had bookmarked. If he was worried about her finding it, he could have kept it hidden. Come Christmas and anniversary time, my boy and I are very careful about all that, because we use each other's computers.

I personally don't think your friend should worry about it just yet. What if he didn't buy the ring? He could have possibly just been looking to see what some places had to offer and bookmarked a place he thought was interesting.

It's always better to go to the store (and take a good friend of the bride-to-be [that can keep a secret]to make sure you get something she likes)-- to make sure the diamond is perfect :)

I don't really think it matters how much he spends.. but that's just my opinion.

*shakes head and sighs* Girls, girls, girls.

If she truely loves this man, it shouldn't matter how much the ring will cost. PS...40k still isn't that much when you're young and trying to pay bills and paying back school loans. (If that's the case) Or this could just be a 'starter ring'...I know that when me and Mr.TKE209 get engaged it'll be a small ring..then..when we're together longer I'll get the ring I -really- want. :p

On the other hand, if he truly loves her, I would think that he would put more time and effort into picking out a ring so that he could be sure that it is something she will like. If he just picks out something off the internet that she doesn't like, that could be an indication that he is not in tune with her in general, kind of like the time I was dating a guy in college and he got me a gold necklace for my birthday, and I NEVER wore gold. That relationship ended soon after -- of course not because of the necklace, but because I guess we really didn't "get" each other and that was just one instance of that becoming apparent.

I think also that there are plenty of women out there (myself included) who don't like the idea of a "starter" ring. To me, the engagement ring is a symbol of the relationship and is not something that I would want to just trade in later for something "better" -- I would want the best that I can get and keep it "forever."

Of course, now that I think about it more, it all depends on the people involved. When I got engaged (a long time ago) I wanted the biggest, most perfect, impressive ring I could possibly get, and I got it. It was a struggle financially but I loved it. Now, if I ever get engaged again, I really wouldn't care so much about the ring, and I might not even want one at all (I'm a little bothered by the traditional symbolism of engagement rings). I would, however, want to design my own wedding band, and it would have to be something very beautiful and symbolic. However, if a certain type of ring is important to a woman, I think that the guy should do what he can to get something that would make her happy while not causing him too much financial strain.

Take into account the guy could be in hella debt and 40k a year isn't really all that much if you think about it all. He may live by himself in a pricey apartment? There are a million things that could factor into it all.

$6500+ on a 40k a year salary? After you factor in what the government takes from you, that could come out to almost 1/4 of his take hom pay. Is that the price range he feels he should spend on you or is that the price range of a ring you would like? I think I recall you describing a Tiffany's engagement ring, I could be mistaken.

Maybe he's just plain broke but still loves her and wants to marry her? He could buy another ring in the future, when he can afford it.

I hate to say it but some women should feel happy/lucky by simply getting a ring.

My rant of the day...

I agree. I live in NYC and sorry but 40k is just about enough to live decently if you have no kids, no car and no loans. Add in any of those things and you are struggling.

This is all come about because this girl was nosey. She does not know what is going on at all. If she had minded her business this would not be a problem.

But most people don't live in NYC . . . and in smaller -- generally less expensive -- cities, $40,000 goes a lot further than it will in NYC.

librasoul22 LOVED your answer!

OK-some of you know this, but Hubby did NOT buy me a diamond!
I have a band. Oh cry me a river....he doesn't LOVE me! HA!
Had to get the sarcasm out of the way.

It sounds like she's embarrassed about the ring, perhaps more concerned about what others will think.
I have to go along wth the crowd though and say 650 is a vey LOW amount to pay for a diamond ring. Yet, maybe it IS all he can afford. Believe it or not, some people don't LIKE to carry debt.
Has he ever skimped on her before?

Now from a Mother's perspective-That cheap a$$ boy better not give you some piece of junk!;)

Maybe he really doesn't have a clue about engagement rings and
honestly thinks the set is beautiful! Let's at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, if SHE really loves HIM, it shouldn't matter. There may be lots of diamonds for her in the future. It would be a shame to lose the REAL "jewel" over somthing like this.

OH my, loved your answer Librasoul. Good for you girl!

And I think Justamom may have hit the nail on the head. The engagement ring is something showed off, and obviously she doesn't want to show off what she considers an inferior ring.

Is that shallow or normal?

And Valkyrie with the surprisingly girly answer that the ring should be financially more significant. A surprise! ;)

Now for the true fact: She is screwed!

She snooped on his computer. It takes a bit of effort to go to a book mark. She came to a conclusion and now she is upset. If she is like most people she will sit there and dwell on it making herself unhappy and putting a cancer in her relationship.

This is no small thing to her. This is forever after! I love it! She and he will suffer because she went where she shouldn't have and jumped to a conclusion without asking him.

If she wants to salvage anything she should probably make an innocent comment about finding a link on the computer . . . or immediately show him some magazine with the type of rings she actually likes (as well as their price tags ;p) otherwise this might be a real problem later, because as others have pointed out, there are a lot of assumptions here.

PS. If a girl I was dating seriously reacted this way. I would drop her. Even if it was a misunderstanding, and that wasn't the ring I was looking at for her.

Yeah, well. I can be a girly girl sometimes. You should see what I spend on makeup and handbags! ;)

Just don't make it a habit gorgeous, your brisk common sense is endearing I would hate it to be overshadowed by girlish gushing ;).

My husband is, in my opinion, the greatest! (and, no, it's not just because he puts up with me, although that's always nice) and, yes, I would have married him even without my 1.5 carat Tiffany's dream ring. But, if he had been unable to afford something like that, I would have rather not had any engagement ring rather than walk around wearing something I was embarassed of.

It's no different than if he had bought me an orange and bright green striped acrylic sweater dress with silver and gold threads running through it. It wouldn't mean that he didn't love me, but I STILL wouldn't wear it in public!

http://www.click-smilie.de/sammlung/.../lachen003.gif

who knows... maybe it was a gift for his mom... a promise ring... ?

I think I'm in love . . .

This thread was just wallowing in stereotypes until a very solid contingent of women stepped up and spoke for real.

It doesn't matter if you live in NYC or Grand Rapids, MI - 40g doesn't make you wealthy. If "being cheap" is a dealbreaker for you, perhaps there are larger issues . . .

She ought to be happy she's even getting a ring! I agree that $40K is not very much, and if it were me, I wouldn't give a kitty about how much the ring cost. It would be a different story if the guy was pulling in $100K, but come on. I'm not dating a millionaire and if he proposed to me, I would rather have a less expensive ring so that we wouldn't start out in debt! Even though I prefer sapphires, if I wanted a big diamond engagement ring to show off, I would just ask for a fake one. They make very nice "fakes" now that are the same as the real thing only they didn't come out of the ground, and who in the hell would know? Surely there will be time later on for him to give her a "better" ring once he's got more money.

Very Practical :)

I honestly dont think it matters how much the ring costs. The only reason she even knows how much it is is because she was being nosy.

If you REALLY love the guy, you should be proud to wear whatever it is he got you because of the fact that it came from him.

Who cares what other people think of your ring? Atleast you are happy and in love- well that is the general idea!

I think $6500+ is a little too much to spend on a ring when you earn 40K a year.

:rolleyes:

:eek: Whoa, can we say "shallow"? $40K isn't that much, unless you're living at home with Mom and Dad...the real world costs money and like the amazing justamom said, not everyone wants to carry debt (besides, what if he has student loans?). I think there are deeper, more serious issues at hand...maybe the fact that she's nosy ?

I think it would be funny if he planted that ring to see what she would say. :D

As for me, I know that my partner has started looking at rings already, but doesn't have much to spend (and neither will I...architects and teachers don't make a lot). They know my style and what would look good on me. Plus, neither of us is trying to impress anyone with a 3 carat solitaire from Tiffany's--I have a tiny hand! So, my partner and I have communicated enough about this issue for them to know what I want, and for me to know what they can afford.

Bottom line, if it matters that much to her, it can't be the beginning of a successful marriage.

I think I remember hearing that the "standard" for engagement rings is two months salary. That would put this guy in the $6000+ range.

But then again, I am pretty sure I got that from a De Beers commercial.

Well, here's my $0.02...

Traditionally, the cost of the ring should equal 2 months salary...that is the custom. Over course, you can spend as much or as little as one likes or can afford. The cost of the ring doesn't equal how much the man loves you. I don't know his financial situation, so I can't say.

Now you say the ring is ugly. Well in my opinion, if this is the ring is ugly, this looks like that this guy really doesn't know this girl at all. If they have never discussed each others personal tastes, what else don't they know about each other? Maybe the 2 of them need to step back and look at the big picture. They probably aren't ready to get married.

As for the snooping. If she was snooping, that's in poor taste and it looks like there are some trust issues. If not, accidents happen. What's done is done.

Frankly, if this is such a big issue for the girl, the 2 of them need to sit down and have a long conversation about their relationship.

She said the ring cost $650 NOT $6500, but I still don't see the difference.

2 months salary at 40k a year woul be between 4-5 thousand take home.


Or the equivalent of a nice chunk of my student loans.

40K/year isn't a ton anywhere, but a lot of it depends upon where you live. In Lousiana, as a starter salary, that's very good.

The figure my guy came up with was what HE wanted to spend. All I really decided was the shape and setting. He is the one that's decided everything else. And he is using the 2 month's salary guideline.

We don't know this guy's whole financial situation - he could be up to his ears in debt; or he could be like my boy who has no student loans (thank you Gov. Foster!), a credit card that's paid off monthly, and a relatively car note.

I agree with KillarneyRose - I'd rather not have something I was embarassed of. It doesn't mean I don't love him, it just means that I don't like the item.

Love doesn't equal money. But if a guy isn't willing to put himself out just a little bit on a purchase that his future wife will ostensably wear every day for the rest of her life, it says a lot about his level of commitment.

I understand what you are saying Juniorgirl and others. I am just not sure the bearing on "committment". Unless you think he is buying a cheap ring so when he breaks the engagement he doesn't lose much by it?

Which would mean he was already planning an out .. .

I don't understand all the hoopla in engagement rings.....

Does it really matter to you girls? I know to me, I don't care. Every women has a right to get what they want, but to me an engagement ring is just a piece of jewelery. As long as my man makes me happy and loves me, I have nothing else to ask for.

Maybe I feel this way because I got my grandmother's 2 carat diamond ring when she died....

Anywho...

Ivory

Thank you everyone for your input. I especially wanted to hear the male perspective which seems to be, as I expected, that the ring itself isn't as symbolic and emotional as some women make it out to be.

Anyway, from what I understand it really was discovered accidently while looking for something else but I agree that they may have much larger issues here.

I think most people are missing the issue at hand. The problem isn't that he's getting her a cheap ring -- it's that he's getting a cheap ring when it's obviously important to her to have one of better quality, and that he's getting her a ring she hates, so obviously he's not too in tune with her taste. If he has no idea what kinds of things she likes or wants, that speaks volumes about their relationship, and I wouldn't be surprised if they have significant communication problems.

Obviously the sentiment of the ring is what matters, not the price. But there is also obviously a difference between a ring from a crackerjack box and a $6000 Tiffany's ring. If the ring didn't matter, why bother having one at all?

2 months salary traditional!?!

Only since the diamond sellers decided that it would be a good idea to tell people it was traditional.

Anyone remember 15 years ago when 25 year anniverseries were not a call to buy a diamond ring or else be an inferior husband?

2 months salary is a good starting point.

but here's the thing, and it's a problem I see a lot of my friends having. if you can't afford more than $650 for a ring, how are you going to have a life together? you need a place to live, the wedding costs mega $$$, food, cars, and then add a baby into the picture. if you can't afford to get married and start a life, wait until you can. my friends make me crazy when they talk about how they can't afford anything but are paying $20000 for a freaking wedding.

now, 650 is too cheap in my opinion. but if that amount will break the bank, how will you ever be able to make a mortgage payment???????

just wait until you can do it without declaring bankruptcy.

Just my opinion, but she shouldn't have been snooping around in the first place but what should it matter how much a ring costs? To me, love isn't measured in how much you spend on someone.

No No No.

The men are not saying that the Ring is not an important piece of symbolism that is imbued with a romantic theme.

What the men and the women in this thread are saying is that:

1. 40k a year is not much money, especially if he has bills.

2. She shouldn't have accidently been investigating his bookmarks.

3. We don not see the direct correlation between the price of the ring and either his love or committment.

Think about it folks . . . beyond the obvious, this is not what I fantasized about theme in this thread, is the idea that the guy should prove his love though his purchase lol . . .

So the wealthier you are the more love you can show. OR
perhaps, regardless of your wealth, you should spend enough money on a ring to make a serious dent in your economic viability.

I'm not so concerned with the cost of the ring. I just can't believe some of the prices of the rings so of the girls in my sorority have. I'd be scared to wear them out of the house for fear I'd get mugged. And, I'm so scatterbrained that I'd probably misplace it. Something that costs over $6000 is not something I'd want to misplace. But, I'm also more simple...I don't want anything over a carat (too gaudy).
The main thing in this situation is that he picked out a ring that the girl doesn't like. I think that they should've discussed exactly what she wants for her ring. Also, he needs to look at her other jewelry to see if her style is more conservative or eccentric. Another idea would be to ask one of her friends for an opinion. My boyfriend told me that the day he goes ring shopping that he'll take my roomie with him so that she can help him pick a ring that I'll like.
If he can only afford $650 for a ring then that's fine. Maybe one day he afford to upgrade.

I think part of the problem is that people are way too shallow. This girl probably saw MTV's Wedding Story or one of many other shows where people spend 5K on the cake alone....

All I can say is that those are not real people. They just have more money than sense. However, it seems that the impressionable audiences that watch those shows think that if they don't have a five thousand dollar cake and a ring that costs $15k, they will be shamed in front of all their friends.:rolleyes:

Obviously, as it has already been pointed out, that if the girl is questioning her relationship because the price of a ring there are other problems. I know that I could never marry someone that is that shallow and superficial. I would almost guarente that this isn't an isolated incident-there are probably many other situations in life where her insecurities will crop up.

Not to double post, but I was reading through the thread and this stuck out.

I'm a kitchen boy for a sorority on campus and I've heard discussions that blow my mind in their house...I have some serious trust issues to say the least.

Anyway, I was talking to one of the sisters and like this came up. She basically told me that she expects to get a ring that is at least 7K, even though she knows her boyfriend can't afford a ring even half that price. Her reasoning behind it was 'If he spends that much, he will have to work all the time and not go out-so he won't be able to cheat on me.'

I was dumb founded to say the least...

He should just buy her a cubic zirconium or one of those lab diamonds.

-Rudey
--I would slap a White Castle onion ring on the girl's finger and that'd be splurging.

I always used to tell my ex-boyfriend (when he was my boyfriend, of course), that if we got to that point, and he gave me a Cracker Jack ring, that would be enough... just because it was from him. (Also, it's SO Breakfast at Tiffany's...)

So, money-wise, I don't see a huge problem with this situation. I work, and I know $40,000 is not that much money. However, I agree that it is a problem that he is buying something that is so obviously not her style... Marriage is a HUGE step, and it should be something that you have discussed at length, and that you know you both want. So, if this couple is serious enough to discuss marriage, I would think the topic of the ring could casually come up.

Maybe she should admit she wa SNOOPING (Naughty!) and they can talk about it... just kidding.