"The One? Or "Your Soul Mate?
 

Ok so its late and I am tired. I was reading through the Mr. Right thread and something occurred to me . . . but keep in mind its late so it might take me a minute to get you there . . .

Ok. We have the idea of Mr. Right and Mr Right now (Boys have very different terms for these two animals-but thats a different thread).

And then I thought about love. I haven't been alive long but I have been in love with more than one Girl friend.

Although the memories have become a little hazy.

Now I have NEVER thought about marriage even playfully with these chicks, though some have mentioned it (again its a guy thing).

Let me stop hyperventilating.

Ok then. My questions for you are this:

Have you ever been in love more than once? And cast yourself back. Strong love.

Especially you practicers of seriel monogamy. Multiple-multi-year relationship people(you make my skin crawal, I did a thesis on you). You know who you are, you're 22, started at 15 and have had three relationships: 15-19,20-22 oh and the one that just started lol :)

Sorry for the rant.

Ok So how come if you were so deeply involved with some of these kids they were not "The One". I mean some of these people you totally adored. You loved them so much it hurt sometimes. Was it timing?

Because we all know marriage can be a timing thing, so is that a factor in being "the one"?

And if thats a factor, doesn't that negate the idea of "the one"? That one and only soul mate? Your other frigging half?

Maybe "the one" is someone you are in love at the time you are ready to marry?

Chew on that gristle lol. But seriously I have to be making some sense here right?

Should we admit that "The One" is in most cases the person you are in-love with (I hope) or at least with when you decide to marry?

i've only been in love once..i'm not much of a committment girl unless i feel the boy is up to my standard! :)
i believe in destiny.. i believe that there is one person predestined to bemy husband wandering out there in the world somehwere and i am just waiting to marry him.. :) i hope that this is true or else i'm gonna be verrrrry let down.. i also feel that you meet "the one" at the perfect time..
and that just about sums up what i have to say ;)

Re: "The One? Or "Your Soul Mate?
 

I have had the pleasure of both being in love and loved by many.

I'd have to say that timing was the key factor in why we didnt stay togther.

We dated for a couple of years. Although one can easily say that i was the reason why we didnt stay together, I argue that human nature took over and I only did what every other male my age in college was doing at that time.....getting all the a$$ I could.

She called it cheating.

Now, had we met a few years later things might have been different.

With that said, James, I think that "The one" is actually the flavor of the season and if you actually stay with it long enough....you get married. See, "The one" kinda grows on you. It's like a car. At first it's a new thing.....smells good, isn't worn out and you still keep it up.....after a lil while though....you get used to it.....it becomes a part of you. Eventually you just decide to keep her.

Re: Re: Re: "The One? Or "Your Soul Mate?
 

Damn! So let me get this straight.......



You got one chick.....sometimes known as old faithfull or girlfriend.
You don't have to spend much money on her except taking her out once or twice a week and she doesn't run around on you.

Then over here you got your dirty lil hoes on the side. The ones who you can call up at 4am and the actually come over. Their just there for ya when you need somethin a lil different. However, you would never be caught out in public with them.....

which leads to......

That other girl of yours......the one who is cute and sexy....ok in your book....and who could be a potential girlfriend should old faithfull ever bust your a$$.....

Damn, James......maybe I'm a lil tired myself....... but it sounds like you got your hands full.....

Sounds like me 7 months ago......

BTW.....you can elaborate more to me via PM

I guess I'm one of these rare (and I may not be, which would be refreshing) people who don't date around, or even want many relationships. I got into the game late (by society's standards). I didn't have a boyfriend until late into my 20s. But, even when I wasn't dating, I knew that I never wanted to have many "notches on my bedpost". I see myself going through one heartbreak (having my heart broken), one break up (breaking someone else's heart), and then, meeting my husband. I like the idea of not belonging to too many. I'm too special for that (hey, I know I'm a catch)!. My mom only had 3 boyfriends before meeting and marrying my dad. Sure, it was in the 1950's and 1960's when dating around was considered taboo, but I fell in the love (pardon the pun) with the idea of having a few deep, meaningful romances, and then meeting my soulmate.

I guess I'm Goldilocks in a way: he's too needy, he's too distant, HE'S just right!

I know, I'm a hopeless romantic. And I wouldn't change a thing...

Hmm... well let me try to attack this one.

I've hit both ends of this spectrum... I've been in a few long term relationships and a LOT of short-term, and in those I've been in big L-Love twice in my life.

My first long term relationship was with a guy I grew up with. My parents and his parents were good friends, and ever since we were toddlers we were spending time together. He was 5 years older than me, so even though we had feelings for each other, we waited until I was out of high school to date (which meant no dating in high school, blech.). We dated, and got engaged.... and I realized that we were in different types of love. He was in big-L Love with me... and I was in small-l love with him... after growing up with him for so many years, he felt more like my brother than my husband. So I broke off our engagement.

I dated a whole bunch of guys in between for a few weeks/months at a time here and there....

Then I met Jim, and fell in big-L Love. As did he. We dated for almost a year, and I was sure he was "The One". To be honest with you, I still don't know to this day what happened with us... I know that there was a teeny-tiny miscommunication that blew up into a gigantic mess that broke us up...I don't know. (Can you tell I was the dumped here? LOL)

Again with the dating bunches of people for various lengths of time...

And now I'm with my current boyfriend. We are living together and planning on marriage. And I think what we have now is the right combination of Big-L and small-l love. Do I think he's "The One"? You know, I really can't say anymore. I know I want to marry him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I'm not sure what "The One" is anymore, after being so convinced of it previously.

(just to throw this in here... I don't believe, by the way, that your "soulmate" is necessarily the person you should spend the rest of your life with. For me, my soulmate is my previous fiancee. We know and understand each other in ways that I don't think anyone else ever will...we have a connection... but I don't want to marry him!! My boyfriend and I don't have that now, but it is developing, and into something more than I could have had with Guy #1)

my God that was long... sorry!

I don't think there's a "soulmate" for each person. That's too much of a one-shot deal. I've only been in love once, and I loved the guy completely, but there was no way it would work for various reasons and I ended the relationship. I still love him to this day, but I also know that we'd drive each other nuts. I know I'll be able to find someone else who I love, and while it'll be different, I know eventually I'll find someone who I love at least as much, if not more. And, if we're both ready for marriage at that point in our lives, so be it. If it ends, I'm sure I'll eventually find someone else. The guy I marry will be one that, even though he may not be THE ONE, I can't imagine finding something better AND we're both at the point in our lives when we're ready to fully commit to each other.

I think when people think in terms of THE ONE, it puts way too much pressure on relationships. A friend of mine told me her biggest fear is that she'll find THE ONE and mess it up somehow and be alone for the rest of her life. She was putting so much pressure on finding THE ONE that she failed to see all the potential around her.

MY whole point reminds me of what talk show hosts say to parents about to have their second child...they love the first one so much that they can't imagine how they'll have that much love for the second child. But the second child comes along and they end up loving them too. No one ever said there's only room in your heart for one person.

This must have sprunned from my 'Am I Too Picky?' thread. I must admit. . .I wanted to hear what all of the GUYS had to say. It seems like every time I give my guy friends advice on what not to do(do NOT marry a virgin when they've been with 100 girls, do NOT make out with some girl who just had a baby with another guy, do NOT date their friend's ex, do NOT have a threesome with your friend's twin sisters, etc) they never follow my advice. So, I will heed from commenting on guys answer on this thread. And speak strictly from my point of view.

i do believe there is a one. but i feel like jennifer lopez. why settle down with one guy when i can have 3 in a matter of years?? ;)

however, i don't know who the one is. and what if he's the one for me but i'm not the one for him.

as for keeping those extra cars around. . .hey, you never know when one will break down. . .therefore, i will refrain from re-posing 'girlfriend's guide to booty call' because some guys sent me some nasty pms.

Re: "The One? Or "Your Soul Mate?
 

I have been in love more than once, probably twice for real. The first time, I did consider him to be "the one" and he was the one for many years, but I just sort of lost the feeling after a while. I don't really know why or how that happened, but it did.

Now looking back, I wonder if he was the one for that time, or if he never was the one but I just convinced myself that he was because he was there.

Does that make sense?

Really, though, I don't believe that there is "The One" for anybody. I think that there are different ones at different times in your life. I do not believe that there is one "soul mate" for everyone. I think that there are different people who fill that role in our lives, and I believe that nothing really lasts forever. Even if you get married thinking that your spouse is "the one" you could feel differently down the road.

Re: Re: "The One? Or "Your Soul Mate?
 

Words of wisdom from Valkyrie, our conveyer of slain heroes to Valhalla (you better be tall girl).

A James Maxim to live by: You can only get hurt by holding on too long when you should have let go. The longer you hold on, the more you get hurt.

It goes with what Valk' said. You might meet someone that helps/completes/fullfills for a period of time. But then you try and hold on past that time and don't allow the next person into your life.

This whole discussion is seriously freaking me out (and distracting me from my 10 page research paper)
I am a firm firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. I have had so many instances in my life that seemed like really weird coincidences, I can't help but think that fate was hard at work. So, I believe that The One is out there, but when I'm supposed to meet him, etc, has already been decided. So, like, I don't have to worry about breaking up w/ my current boyfriend or where my job will take me b/c some way or another, he's going to be "dropped at my feet". What I do with him once I meet him is in my hands.
With that said, OH MY GOD!!!!!!! This is so stupid to worry about but the idea that The One is simply Some Guy who's available when I want to get married freaks me out!! :eek: :eek: Here I am going, oh it's meant to be, he's IT, when he's really just some dude that's convienient :( Wow, i have a lot to think about for the rest of the day.

I was watching "serendipity" the other night. the whole movie is based on 'soulmates' and whathaveyou.
I think one of the best concepts in that movie is that using the term 'soulmate' is rather dangerous. it implies that we have no control over who we end up with down the isle. some great force, such as destiny or fate is basically controlling where we go, who we meet, and what not. if that is the case, why should we even get out of bed in the morning if some force is eventually just gonna run us into the right person?
It's so we can make mistakes and learn from the mistakes and grow.

I honestly believe that I am not gonna find Mr Right. I don't have a soulmate and if I do, he is probably in another country that I will never venture to see. What I will find is Mr Good Enough and I will live the rest of my life learning how to live in some sort of harmony.

SOrry if this made no sense... I am kinda sleepy.

Yeah - the slight (huge?) Calvinist streak in this post would certainly run counter to what some have stated in this, and other, threads - I wish I could say I agree with you, but it's quite clear that some things happen for no reason whatsoever, but hey I could just be plain wrong, that happens too.

As far as "The One" - I don't see any way in which there would be a basis for only having one true "soul mate." Instead, I think that the level of "soul mate" would be that highest level of caring that one could reach for another person, and happens so infrequently that it would appear to be 'the one' in each case. To reiterate, if you want to consider 'love' as a feeling, it would be the highest plateau within that general feeling between two people.

This would implicitly remove the possibility of there being 'only one' for each person - and I personally like that notion a lot more than relying on some unseen force to guide me to the one person meant for me. I like at least having some role in it.

The everything happens for a reason thing gets blown out of proportion sometimes, I guess.... I mean, I don't think of it so literally, for example, September 11th or something tragic like that. I'm just saying that I like to think that my life is being led in a certain direction.
Sure, I can say I'm not going to school tomorrow or moving to California next week, but maybe that's what I'm supposed to be doing? And that's what I would consider fate.
So, considering all this, it would be kind of weird to think that fate just dumps The One (if they exist) in your lap at any time. What if The One for me was the kid who threw glue in my hair in 3rd grade???? That would be a really depressing thought.
I have always believed that The One is out there, but James really shook me up when he suggested the idea that no matter how sure you are that they're The One, they're really just the one of convienience.

What would be the difference?

If you receive the same feeling either way, that is, the feeling of being with "The One" - what does it matter if it were provided by divine providence, personal convenience, or space aliens from Alpha Centauri?

I understand where you're coming from (even if I don't feel the same way about certain things), but I don't see the difference in this case (and thus the reason to shake up your feeling of weltanschuung).

Yikes! This is turning into my research paper, which I've barely started.....but...

I guess you'd have to define The One, which i would say is your one big love in your lifetime. Soulmate?? Maybe and maybe not. As someone said above, your best friend could be your soulmate but you'd never marry them. Now, many people say they've loved mulitiple times but the way I think, if you ever do meet The One, its a love that blows the rest of them away. (More than one person in the world could be a candidate to be The One, it's just a matter of which one you happen to meet.)
<just a pause to say this is so ridiculous, I feel like I'm explaining the rules to some huge fantasy game like Myst or something lol.."If you meet The One before so and so's turn you win the Sword of Love"....omg ok I need to stop>
Anyway, what I'm saying is this guy who is only Mr. One of Convienience wouldn't give the same feeling as your actual One....or maybe they would but it wouldn't last. Either way the one great love or perfect person you were intended to be with would still be at large b/c the person of convienience sidetracked you. (laughing hystericallly now b/c this is so hard to explain)

See, I think that it is entirely possible to meet "The One" and have a love that blows everything else away. So you're together and things are good, and then eventually it's just not any more. There may be no real reason why; it just happens. Then, you meet "The Next One" and that blows everything away. You can still look back fondly on the first relationship, but you are no longer who you were when you were in it and it just doesn't fit you any more.

So I guess my question is: why do people think that you only get one big love in your lifetime? My theory is that there can be more than one, at different times. That doesn't lessen the importance of any of them.

OMG, it sounds like I'm a serial monogamist, huh?

How come you think of dating as a means to the end of mariage or long term commitment? Isn't there value in dating itself? I think there is.
And what's wrong with having three big realtionships? I started at 17 and now I'm 22 and I've dated 3 people (two of which overlapped) in a semi-serious to a serious fashion (I had mini-relationships before then, and I've had some since).

Not once in those three realtionships did I decide that they were the "one" or that I wanted to marry them. In fact, although I liked them all a lot (and fell in love with each for different reasons). The time I spent with them let me discover the things about them that I liked and disliked, and more importantly led me to learn things about myself and what I want in my life.

I don't think that everythting happens for a reason, but I do think you can learn from your life, and that is what I try to do.

lv,
M

Well said!

Let me ramble for a moment and be as coherent as my highly anxious state can be.

Have you ever had a timeless intimate moment with a total stranger?

I have occassionally met a girl at some odd nexus of the universe that granted a degree of sharing and intimacy with that girl that has gone way beyond what I have experienced with any of my actual Significant Others.

Some of my girlfriends would have wept at knowing that they would never relate to me to that degree.

It was like a bubble of time and space where we had a sympatico so complete, it transcended words, and I am bungling trying to meaningfully share a mere echo of the experience with you without lessening it with something trite and cliche.

But they were just moments. Snapshots of knowing that we are not alone in the universe. The feeling of someone who never had to get to know you, being inside your head with you because they share the same things you do.

You stare into each other's shadows and know exactly what are in them, because each of you mirror the light the other so highly there is no room for darkness.

But in most cases like ships passing in the nights you both move on . . .

That is what my idea of a soul mate would be. Its along the lines of Valk's reference to the movie "Serendipity" that type of soul mate.


And there probably are many out there. There are an awful lot of people.

But AXJules! Think on the movie Serendipity. Fate may have introduced them, but it took immense personal effort for them to be together. They both had to leave their present relationships on the verge of marriage. (sorry for movie spoiler).[

James, that was poetic.

I don't know if there is such a thing as the ONE or a SOULMATE. All I know is that I have yet to meet him.

James I just read your post and I think some people misunderstood me-
What I believe is exactly like Serendipity- which I saw. They were thrown into each others paths, but it was up to them to make it work. I agree with that. I think us meeting will be like 'cosmically done' or whatever, but if I want to keep up the relationship it will be up to me. Ala my fear about Mr right being Dennis in 3rd grade who pasted my hair to the wall :)

I never said there's anything wrong with loving more than one person or that you can't, I think a lot of people are capable of loving a lot of people. All I'm saying is what I choose to believe, although I see al ot of other sides, is that The One will be bigger, better, and more ideal than the rest. And that you might get stuck along the way but for some of us it really is possible.

AXjules-<just a pause to say this is so ridiculous, I feel like I'm explaining the rules to some huge fantasy game like Myst or something lol.."If you meet The One before so and so's turn you win the Sword of Love"....omg ok I need to stop>
LOL!!! But to MY mind, that's exactly how it is! There are
"rules" to a degree.

The whole problem is that people take a "nibble" out of ONE belief system and try to explain and fit it into a different belief system. If you are familiar with cosmic principles and use them as guidelines for your life, then the concept of a soul mate doesn't seem too outlandish.
However, the true meaning of soul mate is steeped in the concept of reincarnation. THAT is a concept that frightens organized Christianity and many find impossible to accept, but not as many as those who do believe.

I believe you can love many people in your life. I know my husband is my soul mate. Can you find happiness with someone you love at the time you're ready to marry? Of course. Don't worry, happiness is the natural state. You won't know it if you miss out on it. You will only recognize it when you find it.

AxJules, if it was your 3rd grade Dennis you had better start looking for him lol.

But still a lot of this seems to come down to settling down with the one that you are with when you want to settle.

James...............WHY did you move on?

SETTLE? Or settle down? We should never settle for less than what we want.

That seems to be true for a lot of people and I believe it sets relationships up to be less than all they can be...

Mr. Amycat and I have discussed this before--how fated our meeting and the development of our relationship has seemed. How we were both ready for love for awhile, ready to settle down and build a shared life with someone we loved. But we didn't just settle for any of the yahoos we met along the way to meeting one another because they just didn't fit the bill.

Then we met--and magical doesn't even come close to describing our connection and how well we get along.

I do believe in "The One" and in "Soul Mates" But I don't believe we have just one soul mate, I think we can have several and they can take the form of a significant other, a friend, a family member, etc. Sheesh, when I had my beloved English Mastiff Cinnamon (God rest her sweet soul), I swore she was my soul mate... :)

Dennis??? DE-NIS! (yelling) Where are you??? J/k actually I have pretty good tabs on him, he blew up the principal's car in 6th grade and got sent to Juvy.

P.S. Just wanted to apologize for like taking over this thread, its just that when you think about stuff that there really aren't any answers to, its easy to post and post and say 'what if' all the time.

Does anyone think they can find "the One" at a young age? By young, I don't mean 12 or 13. I'm talking about people at the end or just out of college.

I want a soulmate. :)

Me too! :D

Okay, so I thought about it and here is my take:

I do believe in "the one." I also believe in destiny and fate. "The one" comes into your life at the "right moment" because of some predetermined plan. I see how some of you may confuse this with "the one at the moment." Yes, he may be the one I am in love with at the moment and decide to marry, but not because he came into my life at the right time, but because he is "the one," he was sent into my life at the "right moment." Mr. Perfect is going to walk into my life at the perfect moment in both of our lives and we will live happily ever after. Thank you. :p

Actually, I have it on the highest authority that you felt tired that day and procrastinated something . .. . and missed your perfect soul mate.

My boy and I started dating at the beginning of our senior year of HS - we were 17. We've been together all through college, and are getting engaged (hopefully *very* soon).

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is "the one." We had different majors and activites in college, so we had the opportunity to get out and meet other people and do different things. But there has never been another person that understands me the way he does, and vice versa.

In the Kurt Vonnegut book Slapstick, the main character has a twin sister, and when they get together, they're immensely smart and capable of doing nearly anything. And when they're not, they're just ordinary - their "apart" names are Betty and Bobby Brown (to show just how plain and normal they are). When Josh and I are together, we are downright hilarious - we entertain ourselves and our friends, I seriously think that he and I have the next million dollar idea in our brains. When we're apart for periods of time we say stuff like "I miss you bobby/betty brown" because with our relationship, the whole is much greater than the sum of its parts.

Its possible - just very rare ;)

BRILLIANT.


Look - if you want to narrow yourselves to something that you can't prove one way or another, congratulations . . . but let's smile on reality for a while, and think that PERHAPS THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN COPPING OUT and using "FATE" as the excuse.

Don't "miss" your soulmate - suck it the hell up and do something about it. Fate is a great concept, but it quickly becomes an excuse for those without the will to seize the day.

Carpe Diem solves so many of life's mysteries, it's not even funny

KSig RC-Carpe Diem solves so many of life's mysteries, it's not even funny This is how my Hubby signs ALL his correspondence. I absolutely agree with you!

I don't think anyone is implying that they will LITERALLY wait for some guy to walk up and be instantly recognized as "THE ONE".
At least I hope not. We did a lot of philosophizing back in our 20's.
You know, those GREAT conversations that last into the morning hours. It always came up what if, like James joked about, you JUST missed him/her, turned a corner a second or two too late. Well, in our minds we knew that somehow it would be rectified.

It seems like forever when you are waiting, waiting. I dare say some may have overlooked or turned away from *the one*. Circumstances led to apx. 10 years of on and off again dating for Hubby and me. Several times, I was so distressed because I couldn't see HOW it would possibly work out. It would have been easy to fall for another. There were plenty of opportunities and many I felt affection for. It was just marking time until out of nowhere, he calls and in an instant we BOTH knew we would never be apart again. There will be disagreements, there will be times you want to knock sense into each other, but it's like Juniorgrrl said-because with our relationship, the whole is much greater than the sum of its parts.

I'd also like to quote some of what KDatUTC said..
Ivory-When I first see him, it'll be like magic. It'll be so powerful, that not only will we feel it, but everyone in the room will be affected. I feel certain there IS a "knowing" there sure was for me call it love at first sight if you want. But, as far as the rest of the room- it may depend on the number of beers they've had!:D He pulled me on his lap and tried to give me his key as I walked past his dorm room. I don't think he was feeling cosmic magnetism, but he was feeling something! Still, as I recall, there was that instant when our eyes met... So, until he enters my life....I'm going to learn, grow emotionally, and love myself. ...and then you will be ready to meet one another.

Anyone ever see "Somewhere in Time"? There is a scene where
Jane Seymour is approached by Christopher Reeves. She says,"Is it you?". He pauses, taken aback and replies. "Yes." For all the romantics-RENT THIS MOVIE!!!! Great soundtrack as well.

Then the guy I missed was almost perfect for me, but not perfect enough, so God decided he wasn't my soul mate after all. :p He's coming though -- some day. :D Hell, he may even be here; I just haven't realized it yet.

I agree great movie. Although I hope that if I develop a method of time travel to go back in time I am not undone by a penny. (sorry folks you had to see the movie ;)

Increadibly well said!
-M

Pick your soul mate:

http://www.azfunnypictures.com/perfectmatch.shtml

Okay, I am joining this conversation a little late...

But, first of all, James -- it seems like this relates to my issues... :) You know them well.

I do not believe there is a "one" that you can be happy with. You can love many people throughout the course of your life. There are dozens of people who can make you happy and "complete" you, so to speak. I agree with the people who say it is all timing.

However, I am not a pessimist... I'm not saying that it's only timing and that relationships mean nothing and they only work just when they are convenient. I just think they you have to incorporate the best of both worlds... practicality of being with someone who is also ready for what you want (instead of forcing something with someone who isn't) and passion/emotions/etc...