*****question*****
 

TO THE MEN OF ALPHA PHI ALPHA FRATERNITY INC. ....I HAVE QUESTION/PROBLEM.. I AM INTERESTED IN SEEKING MEMBERSHIP INTO ONE OF THE BLACK GREEK LETTER ORGANIZATIONS.. I AM CURRENTLY INVOLVED WITH A MAN WHO IS A MEMBER OF A FRATERNITY....MY QUESTION IS THIS... IF YOU KNEW OF A MEMBER OF YOUR RESPECTIVE FRATERNITY WHO WAS PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE OF HIS SIGNIFICANT OTHER , WOULD YOU APPROACH HIM ABOUT IT? WOULD YOU HELP A FEMALE IN ANY WAY YOU COULD IF SHE INFORMED YOU THAT ONE OF YOUR BROTHERS WAS PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO HER?

Interesting post. Professionally and personally I honestly believe "Domestic Violence is Everyone's Problem." I don't think I would be a good brother if I did not attempt to help another that physically or mentally abuses a woman.

I would hope the brothers of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc., or ANY fraternity, would not only help their brother realize the error of his ways, but also help the young lady get out of a terrible situation that can only get worse. I also hope they would use their network of community service contacts to get them both counseling. And I CERTAINLY hope the members of the organization of her choice do not hold this against her because she has done nothing wrong. I hope they embrace her and praise her strength and courage.

[This message has been edited by 12dn94dst (edited February 01, 2001).]

Once upon a time, I went to visit this girl I met at a club. Everything was good until this one night she received these three visitors. This man told me he and his two friends were the girl's cousins. They walked in, went to the kitchen where she was cooking, and snuck her. When I heard the scream, I ran into the kitchen and went to work on the first one that came into the house. One ran, the other two and I got to fightin'. I hit one in the head with an iron, and he was through. The other one and I wrestled until i got the best of him. While I sat on top of this nigga, breakin' his face, I felt something tugging on my shirt. It was this bytch-the one I came to visit; the one I called myself saving. I ended up havin' to fight BOTH OF THEM just to get out of the house. I found out later that this brutha was her man of 3 years, and he had just got out of the pen.

From that I learned that all calls for help aint innocent. I also learned to mind my own business.

If the girl you speak of asked me to talk to her abusive significant other, I would; but I would let her know that it's really up to her-to get out of it, or to deal with it.


[This message has been edited by The Original Ape (edited February 01, 2001).]

O-Ape,

That's rather ruthless of you. However, serves you right for tryin' to hook up wit' a girl you met at a club... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif Your recruitment would want to betta than that...

babyjsc:

A girl would really not want to have a problem with a Fraternity member abusing them... Simply because the sorority that this girl is interested in would find out that this man is playing games, tricks or hitting her.

This may seem harsh, but if this girl gets involved with a Fraternity man who is abusing her, she should seek out psychological help before she even thinks about being interested in anybody's sorority...

As far as the bruhs tellin' bruhs they are wrong, well, the last response outta tell you something...

Hold on now sista! Just what do you mean by "...the last response outta(oughta) tell you something..."?

There was this girl I knew, she was dating and had a child with this guy, who was in a frat. Their relationship seemed wonderful from the outside, but when she became a member or this sorority, we started to see the abuse. He even hit her during one of their social functions. When we reponded to him and told his frat they too need to help him, she turned on us, saying we had no right to get in her business. The abuse continued, and no matter how much we tried to help her, she always went back to him. We couldn't get through to her, and his frat could get through to him..what do you do????

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Treblk
MSK94

I think the difference in the situations you all have described and what babyjsc describing is the female didn't ASK you for help. I know it's hard to let your friend suffer at the hands of someone who she thinks loves her, but sometimes you have to monitor from a distance, and definetly keep talking until she asks for help.

It's like that scene in What's Love Got to do With It. We all saw that Tina was getting her tail kicked and people around her saw it as well but it wasn't until she took a look in the mirror at what he had done to her, at what she looked like, and at what other people were seeing that she found the courage to leave. Unfortunately, sometimes this never happens and the woman dies. I think it's important that we all know what to look for and learn to recognize subtle cries for help.

As AKA_Monet stated, counseling is VERY important, not just because she's interested in a sorority, but for her own well being. Abuse is a hard thing to get through...feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, suicidal thoughts...all of that needs to be worked out and replaced with self love and the knowledge that you deserve better, you did nothing to deserve that treatment, and no man that TRULY loves you would ever abuse you, mentally, physically, emotionally or sexually.

I'm just havin' a tough time with you today!!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif You know I'm playing wit' you--take it easy... Besides, what kinda club was it when you met this female that you havta call "bytch"??? I know it's foul what she did to you, but ya shoulda known chit ain't right when you walked thru that door!!! I ain't sayin' you don't be a man and stop protectin' a sistah. All I'm sayin' is at that time, it seems that you incorrectly judged this female's character and you paid for it, brutally... But that still don't mean ya "keep your mouth" shut about domestic violence and abuse... Would you want a death on your hands if you kept your mouth shut?

And for alla y'all, seriously

Some of you really are not understanding the impact that Domestic Violence plays on social services and governmental actions. You all would really want to think redress your point of views...

Being informed helps you grow as a person...

Like 12dn94dst said: folks in violent relationships seriously need to seek medical and psychological attention. AND the Domestic Violence organizations specifically state that it is your "human" duty to "speak out" against the violence. BUT, you have to "craft" your statements carefully so that you don't lose the person. Domestic Violence is much like rape, it is more about control of the other person... So, the victim has to be treated similarly to a rape victim... In fact, women who have been in violent relationships are 70%+ more than likely experienced rape... So, anybody that sees a fellow human being suffering in a violent relationship and even if they don't ask for your help and tell you to go away--just say:

"I noticed that your spirits are low, is there anything I can do to help? If so, I am here whenever you need me, here's my pager/voicemail number..."

That's all you say and do not give the girl your home/work number 'cuz the lunatic will call you and harass you. The victim has to know that she can reach you at a moments notice and at an untraceable phone number... Also, don't say that to the victim once, say it several times over and over. Most of the time, victims are to scared and their trusting someone other than their victimizer is next to impossible.

Some of you all really outta go to the domestic violence websites and read more onhow to deal with situations of abuse and violent relationships. That information you gain might just save your life!!!

First, my sista; Langston Hughes said it best: "We wear the mask..." You never know what you got until you got it. Secondly; I handled my own. My only problem that night was my knuckles hurt, and the fact that I thought I was doing the right thing rescuing this bitch(she played the role by lying; she deserved the title!). Some women don't ask to be rescued, nor do they deserve to be rescued. Right is right; and wrong is wrong-irrespective of gender.

If I understood the original post, I would talk to the brutha; but I'd have to talk to both at the same time too. I have seen women drive men to react that way-inspite of the way they were raised. And many women out here wouldn't respect a man if he didn't.....

Boy, this sistah really hurt you or sumthin' to make you feel like that... I'm sorry you had have that encounter. But let me tell you, if I felt the way you did...

But I can tell, something's up with you and women in general. You really shouldn't get pissed off when some women are tricky. It's not worth it. That's a character defect in them. Not you. And it seems that you are probably a nice guy and mean well and you just haven't had someone to feel the same toward you... It's okay to be angry about that. Not all Nice Guys finish last... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif Not all Dogs go to heaven... That includes them bitches, too...

I know several women that play ghetto games 2001. And I've felt I should lash out wit' 'em too when a man comes incorrect to me. But as I get older, I don't have time for it. I can screw up my life well enough on my own, thank you. I don't need a man's help to keep me down. So if he ain't there to lift me up--he ain't there... And I am really, really nice... Good girls do stay at home on the weekends... And not all good girls are wives either...

Oh well, I guess I'm making it a Blockbuster Nite!!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

Point of Clarification!

What can YOU tell is up with me and women in general? Hit me up on that one-quickly!

For further clarification, the situation was not as you've pictured it Monet; I knew her, but didn't KNOW her-get it? Some women out here actually associate a beat down with expression of love and care. They expect that of all roughnecks.

I know all women aint like that hoe(That's the way I spell it!), and I'm NOT the nice guy you picture me to be http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif

Actually, I cain't tell you anything with your issue with a sistah. But you are sayin' some harsh word that get me to think some stuff... But I won't go there.

Anyhow, what kinda picture was it. You knew this chick and you didn't? C'mon... Isn't it time to let that go? How long ago was it? Bury that where it is--in the past...

Beside, you know spiritually, you can't hold onto this grudge against ghettofabulous women because you won't be able to advance to the next level of your relationships...

And don't go there flexing your playa cardz on me, 'cuz you would want to ante up or fold... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif How many books did your set up??? Jus' kidding... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

BRAVO ON A VERY INTERESTING POST. I FEEL THAT IF ANY GOL MEMBER KNOWS OF THEIR BRO/SOROR IN THAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP THAT THEY WOULD STEP IN. WHEN IT COMES TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WE ARE OBLIGATED TO STAND AND DELIVER.

12dn94dst posted that one should only assist when help is requested. Typically, domestically violence involves a power struggle, low self esteem and other dynamics that must be considered. One should not wait for a sista to ask for help. We need to empower her to take control of the situation and help provide an outlet whether it be financial, housing, counseling, etc.

I wasn't clear. Learning to recognize subtle cries for help is not waiting until she asks. Letting her know, in your talks to her, that she does not deserve this type of behavior, letting her know that she has your full support is not waiting until she asks. All of these are small ways of offering your support & help. In our efforts to help, we must realize that every situation is different. The situations posted by Original Ape and Treblk ended negatively because the woman didn't want help and unfortuantly sometimes a woman's self esteem is SO LOW, she is in SO MUCH DENIAL, that she truly believes that she will not survive without that man. And nothing anyone can tell her will change her mind right away.

But Professor, do not get me wrong. I AGREE WITH YOU. How about suggestions to the the women who have loved ones in this situation? As a woman, it's for my own saftey that I back off a little, because if he's kicking her butt and he "loves" her, he darn sure won't have any reservations about smacking my nosey behind around. What are we to do?

I really tried to refrain from commenting on this particular topic but I feel that I would be rather irresponsible if I didn't. This topic is one that I know very well and will probably stir emotion that I haven't felt in years. I've read MOST of the comments made and I have but one scenario to make. There was this girl that I was into when I was in college. She was gorgeous,(built like a triple crown winner, to explain for the bruhs) http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif happened to be dating a brother from another fraternity. We had classes together and things were cool between us. She would always find someway to conversate with me. But I respected the other brothers territory, after all I don't drink hater-aid. Any way one night after leaving the weight room, I saw her posted up with dude all in her face. They were arguing about something. So I walked by to say "what's up?" you know to break the tension. As I got closer, I saw him cock his fist back and snuff her like she was some thug! I ran over and caught his next one in mid air. He was so hype that he tried to swing on me,(those of you who know me, know that I'm 265lbs of frog waiting to jump in somebody's ass!!). So after I slammed him down, I tried to keep him calm. The next thing I know is that I feel pepper spray hit me in the face. It burned like hell!! When the campus police arrived, this BITCH told them that I attacked him and her. So now him and all of his punk ass frat were suppposedly looking for me. Not to mention all of the women on campus were convinced that I was some knd of woman beater. Needless to say that when I saw him or his bruhs, they acted like they wanted to make a truce. But it will never be cool on a personal level. Some of my best friends and family belong to this certain frat, so I have to let it go but if I could go back in time........So I ask when should we get involved?

What's up Dex!

I can't tell. I guess we never really know; I know I didn't have a clue that witch would flip on me like that! I had to do something though. But aint it fu&*ked up when they make it into AN ORGANIZATIONAL THING when it happens? I mean, can't the dude be man enough to keep it between(and Only between) the men involved?



[This message has been edited by The Original Ape (edited February 12, 2001).]

HEY, MR. DEXTER...

HOW IS THE WIFE DOING? I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER IN AGES...SHE ACTS LIKE SHE DON'T KNOW NOBODY! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif

TELL HER I SAID, WHASSUP! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

I think the moral to the issue(s) is this:

No matter how well your intentions are, you cannot fight another person's battles if they are not interested in winning it. A 20-year-long conflict called the Vietnam War made that VERY clear to me.

OA & Dex, I feel yall on those fights to defend those "ladies", but all you can do at this point is pray for them, and pray out those spirits of abuse and masochism.

Just my $.25 cents

RM

This is to any female who is involved in a domestic situation there is a poem they should read." I got Flowers Today".Type in the title in the search box and it will come up.Not only is the female hurt,the lives of Men are ruined too.A man who has to spend years in prison because he "accidentlly " killed his spouse has destroyed two lives.
Don't let this happen to you,remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible.Any female should only have to be hit once,after the first time the relationship should end.
A real man would "NEVER" hit a women.(period)
Men need to read this poem too.