Is it possible?
 

Is it possible to go from a hookup (ie just sex/sexual activities) to a relationship? And if so (and I pray the answer is yes) then how does it happen? How does anyone end up in a relationship these days?

I think you are going to get many people on here saying no, but my answer would be ABSOLUTELY. It depends on the people.

I know there are some guys who have this weird hang up that they can't get into a relationship with a woman if they have sex right away. I think that's high B.S. because it's like he's saying he can't respect a woman for doing something that he feels perfectly fine doing himself. However, NOT ALL GUYS are like that -- and if you are talking about one who doesn't have that hang up, I would say of course it's possible.

Now, my question would be -- for how long has the hooking up been going on? My thoughts here are that it would be easier to make the transition from hookup to relationship if the hooking up hasn't been going on for a very long time. If there is a long pattern of hooking up, then I think it would be more difficult.

I'm not sure how most people get into relationships. For me, it usually involves lots of alcohol and long crazy road trips, but I'm sure there are other ways. ;)

wishinhopin, I pm'ed you

It depends on the situation, but yeah its possible. My husband and I started out as just a hook up and that was all either of us wanted at the time. Life just had other plans for us I guess!

Hi all,

Well things have only been going on for about a month, but I really really like this guy and I don't want it to just be a physical thing. The general consensus of what I've heard is that I shouldn't talk to him about it, I should just let things progress naturally, but what if they never progress? I wish we could just have a trial run, like try being boyfriend/girlfriend for a month and see how it goes. If it works, wonderful. If not, we'll both know that we're better as we are. So confused!

I know it sounds awful, but have him do all the work, meaning the calling etc....the less available you make yourself the better....it worked for me, and we've been together for over 3 years now. hehehe =)

i agree with the become less available.. worked for me too. they seem to pay more attention that way ;)

Well, it happened to me :) We got drunk one night...yada yada yada...and we've been together for over 16 months now..

Do you REALLY want to know the answer to your question?

As you see from the other posts, sometimes-SOMETIMES-it can work out. However...

What is it YOU want out of this relationship, forever after? Or, do you just want "A" relationship? You have defined this so far as a sexual relationship with your actions. Do you want more, would HE want more? There is only one way to find out. STOP IT! (Unless being in Limbo is more enticing than the reality of a deeper connection.) You are handing out what he wants with no commitment from him. What has HE invested compared to the emotional investment you have made? While you are "happy" with this status quo, you are ignoring and missing out on numerous young men who may have an interest or COULD have an interest for something more permanent. How will you ever know if your days of hooking up are turning into weeks and weeks into months?
If you tell him that you are obviously very attracted to him, but that you don't feel comfortable with the direction your situation is going, you will find out pretty fast what his real feelings are...unless he's a liar and wants to keep stringing you along for his own pleasure-not unheard of you know.
AOII_LB93-I know it sounds awful, but have him do all the work, meaning the calling etc....the less available you make yourself the better....it worked for me, and we've been together for over 3 years now. hehehe =) This is probably the least "threatening" way to go about it if you don't have the confidence/courage to "point blank" him. Many on this board are much more liberal sexually than I ever dreamed of being. Still, you don't know how HE was raised and believe me, morality is one of those things that is ingrained and though it may take a vacation for a while, it will return. So, you will be addressing all his baggage from his upbringing. When you jump into sex without
some concrete foundation, things get confusing and it is USUALLY the girl who is drained emotionally, because of the uncertainty of where she really stands. Yes, it CAN work-does work for some. How much time (how MANY times) do YOU want to spend figuring out if it will work for you?

A wise answer Justamom. . .

I am trying to think like a guy right now.

The biggest factor is just how much he likes you or will like you if you spend more time together.

Si instead of talking right now, I would do a modified versions of the girls advice . . . spend a little more time with him or talking to him over the next week, and then get a little scarce. Give him a better taste and then take it away. ;)

I don't mean avoid exactly, and not for longer than a few days really, but miss an event that you would both normally be at and be out of the apartment when he calls.

Why not hang out without hooking up? I mean, don't show up at his house at 2 a.m. and refuse to give it to him, but just ask him to hang out sometime or do something fun (NOTHING romantic or date-y that might scare him).

And, I definitely agree with having a life of your own and not running at his beck and call. People always want what they can't have!

I know you're all right about all of this and it's so depressing. Why buy the cow right? Of course I didn't mean to get attatched, of course I thought it was going to be just a rebound thing, but of course things changed. And now I don't know how to deal. Making myself scarce is tough because we're both busy people, so we don't exactly see eachother every day as it is. And he's SO considerate and SO sweet but SO many guys seem like that but then freak at the possibility of comitment. I guess my main problem is that I really truly hate the concept of playing games- it irritates me to no end when people aren't honest with their intentions and their hopes in a situation. But it seems like being honest with guys tends to freak them out. I'm not talking about being honest like, "wow, we've only known eachother for a few days but I can see myself marrying you". That's just wierd. I'm talking about situations like me and a guy dating for a month, two months, etc, and then discussing with him what's going on and having him freak out at the mere term of dating. I always thought that if you were going to the movies and meeting eachothers friends and hanging out all the time romantically then you're dating but apparently in the mind of every guy I'm with that's just not the case. God I sound bitter. But honestly, so I can't be straight up with him because it might freak him out, but I'm shitty at playing games, so I'm probably just going to mess things up and then I won't need to worry about all of this. Can you tell I'm feeling sorry for myself? :rolleyes: Anyway, thank you for the advice, I'd love to hear even more...

This really isn't advice, just me ranting....

It's funny, my Freshmen year I did the "hook up" thing and really didn't think twice about it. I wasn't a slut or easy, I just enjoyed the partying lifestyle. It was like I was using boys and alchohol to cover up all the hurt I had...

Now, I'm older, wiser, and honestly I respect myself.

However, in your situation.....I would try to build a friendship with him, where he respects you as a women. Males have a harder time hurting girls they repect. And don't push the issue. You want things to come naturally, especially if ya'll have already hooked up. So, just be the wonderful, beautiful, but REAL YOU and he'll come around.

And if he doesn't, F**K him:)

Ivory

Okay, now that I've heard a little more, your situation sounds somewhat familiar (you know, a "friend of mine" was in a similar one... or something).

Anyway, if you two could work under other circumstances, then it can work. But, if all you have is physical chemistry and no friendship, respect, matching ideals, etc... then don't count on it.

Again, I'll say... just hang out, be friends (as much as you can) and see what happens.

I was in a similar situation this past Winter. This friend of mine and I decided to get involved (physically) and before doing so we set some ground rules. One of the things we decided on is that we would like to be together (as a couple) but the timing is off (he's away at school and I'm here at home). So having that initial conversation made our ability to jump from "hook-up" to "relationship". We're still talking and things are fine. I don't want to jinx it so I won't say much more other than I enjoy his company when he's around and I have feelings for him. But all he knows is that we aren't going to worry about things...for now.
So you can do the adult thing and just bring it up, or ride it out and see what sort of signs he gives you. Often it depends on how well you know the person. In my case the guy is a friend and has been one for some time now.

Best of luck! I hope that things work out for you - it'd really be nice to have a Valentine huh!!?? ;)

Sounds like everyone's giving you pretty good advice, I'm just going to add my experience and tell you that there's as good of a chance that it will happen as there is that it won't....
At this time last year, my boy and I met each other at a party. We hooked up, I gave him my # thinking I'd never see him again. Well he actually called me the next day and we went out that night. I called him the following week and we went on a date the next weekend.....blah blah blah basically for the longest time we were together without the title....to be honest it sucked b/c we were hooking up and its not like either one of us could have dated anyone else without it being a big deal, you know? I was leaving for spring break and told him I felt like he was keeping me on the back burner until somehting better came along, and he explained that he loved dating me but wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm like, hello!!!! We ARE in a relationship! Anyway, I went to Cancun for spring break, had an awesome time, and then a week after I got back he asked me to be his girlfriend.
My point is, we did everything wrong (met each other while drunk, hooked up the first night, dated for 3 months without titles) but everything worked out. We're still together and totally in love. I can say that if it were to happen again I might be a little more "call me your f'ing girlfriend or were through :D a little earlier on, but I saw in him that he was just afraid of being close to someone.
Wow I need to wrap this up... but as much as it might hurt, date him for a little while longer. Show him what you're good at, make him realize what an awesome girl you are, and then make yourself a little scarce. This isn't playing games. Sometimes the old saying is true, you don't know what you have until it's gone....so don't be gone, just be a little harder to reach. Don't be a bitch to him, don't act like you're not interested, just try not to be so readily available whenever he wants to do something.
Good luck!!!!

I feel your pain!!!!
 

I am basically in the same situation right now...or at least trying to get out of it. I had a crush on this guy in my dorm last year and we became friends first and then one night ended up hooking up...I was really excited and became totally attached to him because I just assumed we were on our way to coupledom. Instead, it was up and down and never really achieved a title-he always had good excuses and I always believed him. Everyone told me to just leave him be and find someone else, but I was too weak. This year things kinda started up again, this time on pretty much a hook-up basis. (aka going to his frat late at night or running into each other after parties) I confronted him and I know what you mean when you say you are scared-I told him that I didnt like the way things were and he told me "I'm not the dating type of guy" my response was "I'm not the fuck around type of girl." He vowed things would change and has kinda made more of an effort, yet still is nowhere where I want to be. You have to be careful because this guy might seem great, and when you're alone you want to believe everything he says, and you're so happy when you're together-but is the rest of it worth it?! Thats what I'm trying to figure out-I have vowed to not contact him and see what happens~if he calls for a booty call he is going to get the response that first off I'm pissed he hasnt called, and second, we're either dating or we're nothing. You'll lose a lot more by sticking by a guy you keep giving the benefit of the doubt instead of just living your life, trust me!!!! Look to friends to keep you busy, and if it's meant to be it will work out!!!! GOod luck!!!!!!

Oh it's all so difficult. Ultimately I am torn between two decisions- let things progress naturally or deal with them head on. I'm more of head on kinda girl- I'm assertive and I prefer to deal with things rather than let a situation degenerate into something I'm not happy with. But, as my mom pointed out...this strategy has not done me well in the past with guys, so why do I think it will work now? Soooo I'm trying to go against my very nature and take things as they come. My dad told me to flat out tell this guy that we're hanging out on Valentine's Day. I don't know that I'm that brave, nor do I enjoy ordering people around in such a manner. But I think I could probably tell him that I want to hang out then, and if he questions it at all, I will use a combination of sincerity- ie tell him it's important to me, logic- its important to me and thus he should realize that its important to him also if he wants to keep his hookup, and flat out seduction- I have a plan for V Day and he knows that he enjoys my plans. I'm quite a planner, if I do say so myself. I think that this combination will work well, especially because I don't feel that I'm playing games so much as being honest. Do you think I can just ask him what we are? Can I just be like, "so by the way...I'm not pushing for anything, but what kind of relationship do you consider us to have?" This would be so much easier if he wasn't everything I've ever wanted in a guy. Have you ever been with someone and had a nagging suspicion that you might be with them simply because they really like you and it's convenient for you to like them back? Being with them is more fun than being alone, and it's sometimes hard to distinguish the degree of connection you have to a relationship. With my last guy it was like that...although I realized that I did like him a whole lot. But with this guy...I can honestly say I haven't liked anyone this much EVER, except maybe when I was in love with this boy Lyndon all through elementary school. I digress. But anyway, I'm proud of myself because the last time I saw him was Thursday...this weekend he was in the city with his family, seeing Cirque de Soleil (lucky bastard, I was working)...he got back Monday, today is Wednesday, and I haven't called. I've been busy so it helps to distract me. Ok I just realized how ridiculously long this post is and I doubt anyone has even read it so I'm gonna go. Thank you for the advice, more is always appreciated!
Corina

So we were IMing tonight and I decided to just go for it....
I said to him:

it would really really make me happy and be extremely beneficial to our sex life if you and i could hang out on valentines day...and i wasnt really going to be concerned with it until much closer to the day but im remembering now that usually when we plan things we cant make it happen for a couple weeks, so im working on that now

And he said yes we could hang out then! I'm really excited!

Corina,

It sounds like you *really* like this guy.

Yes, hooking up can develop into a relationship. I've seen it happen many times, and I actually went to the wedding of a couple who met on a drunken one night stand. So it happens.

Thing is, you don't want to be emotionally attached to someone who doesn't feel the same way. There's nothing more heartbreaking than hooking up with a guy you've grown to care about and not know if he's just using you.

I think everyone's been giving great advice. But I think you have to decide for yourself what exactly you want out of this relationship. If you want more, I think you need to be honest for him for your own sanity. Playing games or beating around the bush might not work here, especially because it's so easy to try to wait for him to call and try to see if he likes you and end up right back in bed with him. It's a bad cycle to be in, and like always, I agree with JAM...in situations like these, 99.9% of the time, someone ALWAYS ends up wanting more than just a hookup and they can end up emotionally drained. Sex is inherently an emotional thing, after all.

My words of advice (after seeing this a billion times):

If you're willing to go cold turkey on the sex, be honest with him and tell him that while you started out being all about hooking up, you've really grown to like him. And tell him you understand if he doesn't feel the same way because you know it was originally just about hooking up, but at the same time, he has to know that you have feelings for him and it'll only get worse if you keep hooking up with him. I wouldn't even ask his opinion on it right then. Let him know you like him too much to do what you're doing without getting hurt and leave it at that. Don't give him any ultimatums or try to pull him into a discussion.

And don't put him on the spot. Let him think about it, and wait for him to contact you if he needs time (which he likely will). If he doesn't contact you, he's a pansy, but anyway...if he doesn't want you as his girlfriend (which from all I've seen of you on here, he'd be stupid not to), that's his choice, but at least you'll know now before you get even more attached which is inevitable the longer you have sex. And who knows, maybe he's had feelings for you the whole time but has been afraid to reveal them because he thought you were just in it for the hooking up.

If you tell him how you feel, at least you'll know either way. Otherwise, you could still be right where you are 4 months from now and still not know how he feels.

Good luck!!!

Liz

Men vs Women
 

Do women get more emotionally attached to their sex partners than men?

I was wondering, because I recently started dating this guy and I too really like him. However, I have a feeling that I am more attached to him than he is to me. I was wondering if different views on sex can do that.
-M

oh oh, edited to add: Corina, if you are a straightforward person, you should just be straightforward. If he can't handle it, he wasn't the guy you wanted. I was in a realtionship for a long time where it was convienient for me to like the guy that liked me back, and it wasn't good for either of us.

Re: Men vs Women
 

I think most do...due to many reasons. The biggest one, I feel, is that guys can, to put it bluntly, get theirs and leave. Women are the ones allowing the guys in - emotionally and physically - and frankly, they have more to lose. Guys can afford to be more detached. And it's been proven that there are hormonal and chemical differences between men and women that cause women to become more deeply attached to a sexual partner. Sex is a very emotional thing, so as much as both men and women claim they can hook up and not feel anything, there are hardly any cases where one person won't end up feeling something eventually.

I read this on MSN and thought of this thread:
"Relationship and emotional issues can take a heavy toll on a woman’s sexual interest and functioning. For women, maybe more than men, sex is more than just blood flow and friction."


http://www.msnbc.com/news/865414.asp?0dm=R12LH

Not to hijack the thread, but there is ONE instance where I think it's equally emotional...first love. No matter who exits first, man or woman, first love is deeply emotional, beautiful and passionate.
There will always be a sense of loss for the one left to pick up the peices.

I'm really really trying not to let it be more than it is. But I really don't know how to do that...I'm a passionate person, when I like something, I really like it. So to just turn off liking him is not that easy for me. And it irritates me to no end that I let it get to this point- one of my New Year's resolutions was to not hook up with guys who aren't my boyfriend. But Josh started before New Year's and I'm way too attatched now to end it based on that. Anyway, I don't have much to say about the whole thing I guess. I'm really excited for us to hang out on Valentine's Day...he knows that I have a plan of what's going to occur in the bedroom that night, and I think I'm going to tell him that, in order for that to happen, he needs to develop a plan of something we can do that involves being out of the bedroom and not doing something sexual. Going to the beach, movies, food, whatever. I just don't think I'll want to be intimate with him on that particular day unless I feel like we have some minute basis in something besides our mutual attraction to eachother.

I hope I speak for all men when I say please do not put him through the "State of the relationship" talk:

ie. where are we going, where have we been, where are we?

Nothing good can come of that.

Many relationships start out like that though... It just depends on the two people and the chemistry.

So if I can't have this talk with him, then what can I do??

Ahh yes, the talk...well I suggest doing what will put your mind at ease without doing the "needy, pain in the ass" girl thing. I know that can be difficult, but sometimes the talk needs to be had- just do it in a constructive manner for yourself. You just have to be ok with your decision, and be prepared for whatever comes. Remember ultimately relationships are a two person deal, and you don't just have to sit around waiting for him to decide.

I wish it was easier, these can be yucky situations. Again, do what will make you feel more comfortable. :p

It's over. And I didn't even ruin it. I got home today and saw that I had missed one call. I checked my voicemail, and this is what I heard:

"Hi Corina, it's Josh. Sorry I didn't call you back sooner, I was in Davis all weekend. And I actually needed to talk to you about that...while I was there I ended up getting back together with my ex girlfriend. So....haha....we can't sleep together anymore. Bye."

Turns out he did want a girlfriend after all, he just didn't want me.

I hate it when chicks do that......


Thats when i stop calling them and after about 2 or 3 days i know the chick starts thinking to herself "Maybe I ought to give him a call" or " Is something wrong with me?"

Corina, I'm so sorry. What an A$$ to end things that way.

I don't even want to copy and paste the last line from your post.
It sounds so...so hurt. There is a bright side. There's ALWAYS a bright side. No more wasted time or energy. You are now mentally free to find someone who will value you and treat you with love and respect. A lesson learned will prepare you for a relationship where you will find trust, respect and happiness.
Though different circumstances-just about all of us have been where you are right now, emotionally.