"When I have kids..."
 

I've noticed in several threads lately people saying "When I have kids..." or "When I have a family..." I find this interesting because it seems that many people in our society assume that they will have kids.

So my questions are:

Do you have kids? If yes, did you always want them? If no, do you want them in the future? Has your opinion on the issue changed over the years? Why do you or don't you want kids?

Also, what if you've always assumed that you'll have kids and someday you find out that you can't? Would you do pursue whatever fertility options are available at the time? Adopt? Decide not to try?

I guess I've always wanted kids. I've always had that sense of growing older, starting a family and all that.


If the situation went sour and for some reason I couldn't have kids in that certain situation, I'd try to adopt. Adoption is always a choice. Of course there could be other fertility options available. However, I try not to think like that and hope that it doesn't happen.

I don't have kids yet. But I definitely want them in the future. I have tons of nieces and nephews running around, so I've had plenty of practice. I have fun being around kids--they literally bring out the kid in me!

If I weren't able to have children, I might try fertility treatments. But if it wasn't successful, I would love to adopt. Its more about whats in your heart than in your ovaries. :)

I have always known that I do NOT want kids - and am absolutely positive that I will not change my mind.

In spite of this, my doctor refused to discuss the issue when I told him I wanted to have my tubes tied (I was 27 at the time). His response? "Oh, you'll change your mind..."

:mad: :mad: :mad:

If I had had the resources and the spare time then, I would have found myself ANOTHER doctor - one who respected my choices and realized that I did *indeed* know my own mind.

Those of us who choose to remain childFREE (note I did NOT say "childless") are subjected to a constant stream of rubbish from society, such as:

"You are selfish for not wanting kids" (Riiiiiiight - and overpopulating the planet is NOT a selfish thing, riiiiiiight....)

"Who will take care of you when you grow old?" (Ummmm, if this ISN'T a selfish attitude, then what is? How could anybody WANT to burden their children this way? When I am 50 I will purchase a long-term care insurance policy. Plus, I'm sure the old folks' home is FULL of people who THOUGHT their kids would look after them, and instead they find that the kids never even visit.)

And my personal favorite: "Your life as a woman will be incomplete without children!" :rolleyes: (Honestly, what a slap in the face to women who actually CAN'T conceive....are they "less" of a woman than the rest of us? Puh-leese...)

I am not trying to flame those of you who already have children, nor those who have decided that they want kids. I like kids (well-behaved ones, anyway - LOL!) - I just realize that I would NOT be good "mother" material and would actually be very miserable as a mother. What a shame Andrea Yates didn't give it more thought.

I always knew I wanted kids--maybe 4--I did not know I'd have 13! And I'd like more; we're currently pursuing adopting more.

We married late but were blessed with being able to give birth to 8 of ours. We have not regretted it.

It's such an individual decision...we don't fault people who have no or few children. People generally know what they can handle.

I had been told by a former doctor of mine that I wouldn't be able to conceive easily. Because of this, I had convinced myself that I didn't want children and was extremely adamant about it. I knew that I didn't want children and would never change my mind.

About a month and half ago, I started feeling very sick and didn't know what was going on with me. I went to see my doctor and was told that he couldn't find anything wrong with me. After changing my doctor...twice, I was finally tested and told that I was about 8 weeks pregnant.

My initial reaction was SHOCK (in its purest form!). Then I became overjoyed and excited at the realization that I had been given this gift. I discovered that the entire time I was swearing up and down that I didn't want children, deep down inside...I really did! I'm due in April and can hardly wait to meet him/her!!!

UKAXO, I am in no way doubting your sincerity in your decision to not have children. I applaud you for admitting that you don't think you'd be mother material and deciding not to bring a child into your life under that circumstance. However if you ever change your mind, no one will think less of you! Oh and btw, I really love the well-behaved children too!!! ;)

I do want children, and I always have. My friends think I'm nuts because even at 20 years old, I have the "baby fever". Obviously if I REALLY wanted a child right now, I would have one... but my point is that I'm already advancing into that stage of my life. Family is so important to me. One of my criteria for meeting a husband is that he loves children.

If I could not have children, I would adopt. Fertility is so expensive and so many children need love.

I don't have any children yet. I want to have two... a boy and a girl, ideally. I don't want to have children right now - maybe in a couple of years. My husband, on the other hand, wants children *now*.

What wigs me out is the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing. For nine months, more if you're breastfeeding, you have to watch every single little thing you put into your body. And giving birth... the word "ow" springs to mind. Every mother I've ever spoken to says it's worth all the trouble when you hold that precious little bundle of joy... having never been in that situation, I'm not so sure.

If I found out my husband and I couldn't have children of our own, I would want to adopt. There are so many babies out there who are unwanted or whose parents are unfit. :(

Sidebar: As a lot of you know, I'm working part-time while waiting for the economy to turn around. I have had so many people, including one of my best friends who is also a sister, tell me that I should "take advantage of the wonderful opportunity I've been given to take some time off and have a baby." :eek: :mad: :rolleyes: Um... I think not.

Wow.....to tell you the truth, I'm always just assumed that I'd have children. It's something where I've never given it serious thought......right now, I know that I definitely do not want children though!!! My fiance and I are having enough of a time getting our own lives in order to bring another life into the mix!

If I were unable to have children, adoption is definitely an option though. It would probably be an older child because it just sucks that so many children out there are 13/14 and stuck in the foster care system and cannot find homes. :(

Taking care of one's body is something to consider when having a child. When I was in high school and had bulimia, I really didn't care that it affects your reproductive organs. Now that I'm older, it kind of worries me that I might have screwed up my body for a completely stupid reason.

IN my case, I would like to have children, but if it doesn't happen that's all good also. More than likely I won't be able to have anklebiters of my own so I've always wanted to adopt. But, no little babies! I've always wanted to adopt the 'forgotten' children, all the 10 and up ages. Both of my sisters are social workers that work in Children's Homes, and the kids that are older are always looked over when adoption comes up. So, when given the chance after I get a bit older, I'm gettin' them :)

I have always wanted kids...however not yet. My boyfriend and I do talk about the future and we kind of have things planned out. My opinion to have kids has never changed, even though I know that they can be a pain in the @$$, I still want some. I want 2 and my boyfriend would like 3, so we decided that 2 would be good and max is 3. However there is the possibility of twins bc it runs in both of our immediate families. :)

ronnie

We have three children. They are all very special.

We purposely waited (7 years) to have our first because Mrs. DeltAlum wanted to stay at home with them, as had her mother (a college graduate) and her grandmother (also a college graduate, believe it or not). We figured by then we could afford to live on my salary alone. Well, that never happens, so we just bit the bullet and lived on half as much money as we could have for about twenty years.

I think that the added age and maturity gained over those seven years were helpful.

The three are very different -- but wonderful in their own ways. The range from a Magna Cum Laude college graduate, to a hair designer who had a serious drug addiction (sober for several years, thankfully), to a National Merit Scholar who is a freshman in college.

The last twenty-five years have been a real roller coaster of emotions, but I certainly wouldn't trade any of it in retrospect.

I very much want children, but like MoxieGirl, I suffered with severe anorexia through most of my "puberty years", and severely damaged my reproductive organs (and all the others too, but that's another story). I've had different doctors tell me I can or can not have children, so all I can do is pray that I will be able to. I have unfortunately already lost one child to this. If it turns out I am unable to carry, I will look into adoption.

If any of you are currently suffering with an eating disorder, right there is yet another reason for you to seek help...

I don't want any biological children. The world is too overpopulated. I'm not too worried about the seed being passed down, as I have other male relatives like my brother and cousin so the name can live with them I guess. I want to adopt the kids that no one wants because they are older or whatever...like the 12 year olds in foster care who keep getting bounced around. I would adopt them.

I also want kids someday - just not for a long time. I'm seeing a bunch of my recently graduated friends getting married and having kids, and they're not mature enough to take care of themselves half the time, let alone a child. Maybe it's because I'm the oldest on both sides of my family, but I know I'm completely in my "selfish" phase right now. It drives me nuts to see the people who have kids and whine and complain about how needy the are, how expensive they are, etc. That's why I want to wait until I'm absolutely ready to be a mom. My mom told me once that, while she would never take back having me and my sister, she probably would've waited longer because once you're a mom, pretty much your whole life revolves around that role. She's finally to the point where she can start doing stuff for herself now and not have to worry about me and my sister as much, and I can't say I blame her for wishing she would've done more when she was younger.

As for how I'd have them, I'd almost rather adopt than have my own. My mom had a lot of problems having me, which I'm slightly worried about, plus there are so many kids out there who need loving homes. I get worked up enough going into pet stores and looking at the puppies behind the glass, if I actually sat down and thought about all the kids out there without families, I'd be a wreck.

CarolinaCutie-- I'm with you-- I have baby fever too! Luckily I have a cute 18 month old nephew to old me over until Mr. Right comes along. Even though babies are cute, I'm worried about when they are teenagers bc I put my mom through 5 yrs of hell.

As for my answer...I have to say I agree with UKAXO. I have just never wanted kids, and everybody has always told me that it would change when I got older. Well, I'm older and it hasn't changed, I just have zero desire for kids. If in a few years that changes, cool, but I would never have more than one (unless I had twins or something), and I really don't think it will change. I don't even really like kids -- I mean, older kids are okay but I don't like babies *at all* -- I never have. Yeeek.

I want kids, eventually. I love children.

If I get married I will have kids. If not, then no kids- I was raised in a single parent home, and while I love my mother and think she did the best job she could do while working two jobs to make ends meet, it is not a situation that I would choose to bring a child into. If I have kids it'll be in a two parent situation.

I do not foresee myself ever undergoing the expensive and time consuming fertility treatments. There are so many wonderful black and hispanic children in the system with no one to love them that I actually really want to adopt. I would like to have a child of my own body, yes. But if I can't I won't be too broken up about it personally.

lol, my boy Ted made the comment that if/when I have kids they will be eerily good with warped senses of humour. That West Indian discipline is NO JOKE (although I will not beat my children). I could almost feel a bit sorry for them- I am fair, but strict.

Gawd valkyrie. Have you rented my brain, or what?

I am NOT having kids...and I don't really think that is a bad thing. I just don't think the world is ready for another little librasoul, lol. :p

I think I am so ready to be a mom! I want to get married and have kids. The whole nin yards! Of course, i would want to finish my education and then get married.

I love kids, and cant wait to have my own. I work at a montessori school so i see children all the time. I will say though, i wouldnt want to work with children and have my own at the same time. When i have kids- i want to stay home with them!

I really wouldnt mind being married and having a child right now, and im 22!!!

When I have kids, as I am thinking I will someday...I will never use the term "playdate". I HATE it! Just my $.02

There are so many reasons why I don't want kids right now.

I cringe when I see babies. I get exasperated when I hear whining toddlers. I feel pity for all the moms that I see wearing stained sweatsuits, frizzy hair, and bags under their eyes. Gee...they look so happy...motherhood must be just the greatest thing. :rolleyes:

I'm not ready to go through the discomfort of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, and the sacrifice that follows. I'm not ready to lose my identity and relegate myself to a routine of sleepless nights, dirty diapers, feeding, burping, etc..

I've heard people say that motherhood is wonderful. I don't get it. I don't know if I ever will. Occasionally I think about the freedom and the comfort my husband and I have, and how that would be destroyed if we had a child. I'm still in my selfish phase, and I'm not interested in giving up my lifestyle for a baby.

If that makes me coldhearted, so be it. Perhaps I'll change my mind when I hit my early 30s. I can definitely see us with a family, but not anytime soon, that's for damn sure!

Hell to the NO!

Going through the wrong time of the month is too much for me.
I can't even imagine going through labor. Morning sickness, uh no.
Changing sh*tty diapers and cleaning up vomit, NO WAY! Putting my life on the hold to take care of little midgets, you got to be kidding.

BUT, having little Dionysuses running around, priceless. :D

Dunno, hard decision.

If I was a guy, I would say hell yes! I would have the b*tch barefooted and pregant! I would see how many children I can make. (you all know I'm totally joking) :p

And for those that recieved the news that you are infertile, look on the bright side. You can screw around all you want without worrying about having rugrats popping out you. ;)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dionysus
And for those that recieved the news that you are infertile, look on the bright side. You can screw around all you want without worrying about having rugrats popping out you. ;) [/B][/QUOTE

Somehow I don't think that would be much consolation for someone who really did want children, or were unsure about it. I want kids but may be unable to have them, and I don't know how I feel about adoption considering so many of my adopted friends had psychological difficulties especially during adolescence. I have a few years to decide how I feel.

LOL libra! The problem is, it would be to the great benefit of the world for awesome people like us to reproduce. Oh well... ;)

Who doesn't have psychological problems during adolesence?

Ever since I was little I never really wanted kids. When we played house, I never liked taking care of the dolls. Kids, I don't like them. When I am in stores and hear kids crying, sometimes I just want to yell "Someone shut that kid up" even though you really can't. The reasons I don't want kids? First of all, the woman has to be the one to take care of it, has to carry the kid, change it most of the time, and if I were to have a kid, and then get a divorce or whatever, I would be the one that had to be stuck with the kid. I seriously would be like "Ex-hubby, YOU take the kid, it was your sperm!" Secondly, I would have to put my life on hold, it may seem selfish to some who don't share my view, but I am my priority, I don't go out of my way to make others happy, or try and please people, it's just too much work, I do what is good for me, and if I had a kid, I'd have to tend to their needs, and it would get in the way of my perogative. I'm by no means narcissistic or anything, I'm nice, not selfish, etc... buy my career is/needs to be first and foremost. This is what I value. Not to be offensive or anything, but I see so many girls out there willing to settle with men they don't like, or have kids and give it all up, if you really, truly love the child, then more power to you, but I'm not one of these women, I can't understand why one would want to voluntarily have a child, but I applaud those who do, because they often turn out to be the best parents, my parents are the greatest ever, they were just meant to have me and my sister. I'm not like that, I don't like kids. I'm lucky that I have two friends who share this view, (we used to joke that we were the Schopenhauer cult) one is a guy, and wanted to get a vasectomy, and they told him he had to be 21, and the other is a girl, who, like me, is unrelenting in the fact that we do not want children.

I babysat for two years, and my mom thought that it would change me to "like" kids, no, it didn't. They were just a job to me. When people have kids, and everyone is ooohing, and ahhing, I kinda just go with the flow and am like "Yeah, cute, nice, bet you will really like him when he hits the terrible twos." I'm very much detached from kids, and hopefully I will never have any. Although I am only 19, I don't think my views will change much.

I'm not ready for kids right now, but eventually, I would like to have them.

My boyfriend and I have talked about our future family and we are both in agreement on having 2, maybe 3 kids. We are both in awe at the idea of how sharing yourself with someone you love can make another person. Its pretty amazing when you think about it :)

He's great with kids, I'm pretty good with them, too. He's the youngest and I'm an only child, so we've had our whole lives to be selfish. We don't want kids right away, we'd like some time after we get married to enjoy being with each other. But 5, 7 years from now... :)

I've noticed a lot of people saying, "I may be interested in having children when I get older"...or something along those lines. What exactly is "older"? 25? 30? 45? Is it when you're out of school and established in a career? Is it when you've done all of your "irresponsible youth" stuff?

I definitely want kids, although I understand the people who don't. I'm the youngest, and I've had quite a while to be self-centered. I would like to be established in a career, which I don't see happening for a while. I'm thinking somewhere around 30, where I'm somewhat established in my career, in a stable marriage, and somewhat financially secure (meaning I have a savings established).

Hey, I do want to warn you guys about waiting too long to start attempts to conceive. This has been in the media a lot lately--how even waiting until 30 may be too late for some people. I waited until almost 29 to have my first and got lucky. Many of my closest friends waited that long and were never able to conceive.

Yeah, I have the same question....when is older? Right now it's looking like grad school is in my future, and during those 6 years, a child *and* school would be waaayyy too much responsibility.

Then, there is always this thought in my head to have children young. Then I can be a MILF. (just kidding!!);)

"Older" for me is in a couple of years. I want to have my first child before I'm 30, and the second one maybe a couple of years later. I'm in my mid-twenties, so I have a couple of years... until then, my husband and I are DINKs (dual income, no kids).

Lauren, I think your post shows an amazing amount of maturity. I see so many women who have children for whatever reason and then afterward seem frankly surprised that their life and priorities are supposed to change. I am impressed that you recognize this!

I'm not going to insult you by saying, "Oh Lauren, someday your clock will start to tick and you'll want kids." Maybe you'll change your mind someday, maybe you won't. That is completely up to you to decide and no one else. Kudos for being such a self-aware young woman!

I'm not criticizing mothers who work. I can only imagine what a juggling act that must be to handle work and family and I have a lot of respect for most of them. But the fact is, in our society, the brunt of childrearing expectations fall on the mother and while it is possible to do two fulltime jobs simultaneously at an acceptable level, I think it would be difficult if not impossible to truly excel at either.

Everyone please note:

I am just voicing my opinion. I'm no expert. I know it is a woman's right to have a career and a family at the same time for whatever reason she wants. I know there are working mothers out there who look down on me, who think I'm some parasitic creature living off my husband's fat paycheck, spending money I didn't earn with reckless abandon. That's fine. I can accept that people's opinions differ.

ALSO: I'm not even necessarily talking about working women. I'm talking about any mom who is suddenly surprised to find that the child is a person with needs and not just the latest must-have accessory. This year's Prada bag, if you will :D Read the book "The Nanny Diaries". Women like the mother do exist; I know more than a few.

Is it harder to adopt older childern? Like 7-12 or even older? I would take in anyone when I have means to support them. Plus, I can teach them Chivalry. Good manners and propper etiqute, the basics of the laws of helardry, etc. I'd be good dad I think. Of course, untill my (adopted) children turn about 17 I will have no drugs, alcohol or firearms in the house. If my kids want to learn to shoot I will teach them propper safety. But kids find things, and unless I had two sepearte safes, one on the top floor for the firearms, one on the bottom floor for the ammo, they would not be there. IF I had children under the age of 15, they would not be there at all. I'd have swords though. Swords are cool. En Garde. Allons. Have at you. Ouch. Touche. Damn touche.

Rose,

Some excellent points.

Parasite? Nope.

As I said earlier, my wife and I made an early decision that she would stay home with our children. She felt that having her mom (a college graduate and ADPi) at home really helped her early growth. While that put a fair amount of strain on our finances (and my career), we felt that constant attention, along with always having someone at home before and after school was important. Does that mean our children grew up "better" than others -- probably not. We had our share of problems, just like everyone else.

So, how did she fullfill her ambitions?

My wife is a dynamo. She would probably be a CEO of something had she chosen the business/career track. But having two BMW's was never important to us, so she chose to volunteer and ended up sitting on the board of directors for an international mother's support organization with groups in eighty-one countries. Later, she took a halftime job with another mom from that organization as co-director of a several thousand acre conservation center/outdoor museum. In both of those jobs, she was able to set her own hours and simultaneously support the kids. Now, she has her own home (new) business which is doing well and helped see us through a year's unemployment when my job was eliminated by a corporate "merger."

It really seems to me to be a matter of priorities, and I'm certainly in no position to judge anyone elses. We could probably have a much bigger house, etc., but we are very comfortable with our decision. We also realize that some moms -- single mothers in particular -- have no choice and absolutely must work to support their family. And, with the flexible hours of her business, we are able to watch our grand daughter a couple days a week while our middle daughter (challange child) and her husband get their careers going.

Finally, just as some kids aren't cut out to go to college, some people just shouldn't be parents. That's OK. We have one of each -- although the one who didn't want children recently became a step-mother through marriage and is doing well. Go figure.

Best of luck to all -- no matter what your decision may be.

I want to have one child.........2 at the most!!! And that is after I have been married for at least 3 years! I want to enjoy life as a marred couple, before being a mother. When I bring a child into the world. I want to be ready to raise him/her.....not put them off on a babysitter or the grandparents every weekend!

I know this is idealistic.............but ya gotta have a plan right?;)

I do want kids, but it will be extremely difficult for me to conceive. This summer I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This will make my chance of conceiving very minimal, and very hard. When I was told this it didn't really affect me. I'm young (22) and I'm not ready to be married or have kids...but the more I think about, the more it upsets me because I know I do want kids later. If I'm not fortunate to conceive myself, I think adoption would be the best bet. There aren't really any fertility options, and there is way too much legal drama surrounding surrogate nowadays that I know I couldn't go through with that. But godwilling, I will be able to have children of my own.