Boyfriend and Sororities
 

Hey everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. I got accepted into a school and he was staying home so for the first time in our relationship, we weren’t going to be with each other every day. I love him so much and he’s the only guy I’ve ever been with that’s made me this happy, ever. Back when I got accepted to transfer to the school I’m at now, I was considering joining a sorority and told my boyfriend how I wanted to do it. He instantly became defensive and told me he wouldn’t be with me if I joined. He believes that sororities bring out the worst in girls. He thinks it’s fake, for girls who want attention, and for basically girls who want to sleep with a bunch of dudes. He had a perfect relationship before me and broke up with the girl just because she joined a sorority too. She ended up becoming a groupie and has been passed around by a bunch of dudes.

When I transferred, I rushed and didn’t tell him because I knew he wouldn’t approve of it or support me. He would most likely make me want to drop so to prevent that, I couldn’t tell him. He found out when he saw my location on pref night at the house I was in love with all week. He was mad, I tried to hold back tears waiting outside of the house I really wanted and I was nervous that my mind would be distracted when speaking to the girls. Luckily, I ran home to them and had such an amazing experience and the only person I wanted to tell about it was my boyfriend. He’s the person I wanted to support me, be there for me and be proud that I went through hell weak and made it out on top. He didn’t care. He was angry. He pushed me out. I cried for days trying to get him to talk to me again. He wouldn’t. I finally left him alone, and tried to be at peace with his decision. He came back to me and said he rather be with me than lose me to something so dumb.

Well now, he’s tolerant of me being a sorority but never wants me to talk about it. He shuts me out the second I mention any of my new friends or talk about my day. He’s not interested at all. I understand that he is at home, bored out of his mind, it it most likely makes him feel sad, so I try not to rub it in his face. He’s now at the point where if I bring up any socials or events, he’s instantly fighting me. It’s driving me insane.

He lacks trust in me as a girlfriend, he’s scared I’ll hurt him. I know he’ll never believe me when I tell him how much I love him and reassure him that no matter what, he’s all I want. He references to the time when I was really insecure about our relationship, and felt like he was going to leave me and cheat on me because he told me that he doesn’t like long distance and he won’t be a good boyfriend to me if I end up leaving. I texted a kid I worked with and flirted with him but it never went past the point of that. I just was sad and wanted positive attention and to feel beautiful because I wasn’t feeling that at the time. I’d never cheat on my boyfriend. I’ve never thought about it.

The girls in my sorority aren’t crazy either, they’re all older and have boyfriends. They aren’t known for being crazy partners or one night stand girls. I’m not saying they don’t go out and aren’t friendly with frats but they are more conservative than most sororities on campus. Most of the girls in my sorority have boyfriends and some have ones that are in Greek life and are extremely accepting. I wish I could prove to him that he’s seeing the stereotype of Greek life and not what it really means to me. It’s amazing. I’m so happy and have met so many beautiful women, inside and out. I couldn’t imagine how depressed I’d be if I didn’t go Greek.

It’s hard for us to just end it. Neither of us want that. But he’s stubborn and won’t be happy until I decide that I rather sit out on events and socials. And I’m stubborn because I don’t want to regret not doing all that I can before I graduate.


I’m so heartbroken because the fighting is making me miserable and I’m starting to lose focus of my school and sorority and friends but he’s also a priority to me so it’s just difficult to juggle all those things and make him happy. There’s nothing I want more than for my boy to be happy. I always have time for him and always come down to see him. I always call him and I’m constantly texting him. I’ll even text him the whole time I’m out drinking or when I’m around frat dudes. I make it known that I am in a relationship. I need guidance. I just don’t get it. Any advice?

You're dating a control freak who is waving all the red flags available to him.

I cannot be emphatic enough that this statement is dead on the money. You're better than this and you deserve far more than what you are getting. Move on.

To quote Dan Savage: DTMFA. (Dump The Mother F$#%*r Already)

If you give in to him on this issue, he will find something else to be jealous and controlling about - the people you’re doing a group project with in class, the girls you get an apartment with, the guy you occasionally play tennis with. You are being emotionally abused. I can’t stress this enough.

I would also talk to his ex (who told you this “groupie” garbage? Your boyfriend?) and get the real scoop because obviously this is how he thinks a relationship should be.

If his life is in the shitter and going nowhere, it’s up to HIM to improve it - not to make you feel sad and guilty because your life is going somewhere.

I have seen amazing women with great potential drop a sorority they love because of a boyfriend. If he is trying to control you now what will he try to do in the future. You have plenty of time to find someone that will support you they way you would like to. Don't give you on what you want because a boyfriend says so. You're not guaranteed to be with him forever.

Yes, I'm making this unanimous.

This is not about sorority, this is about personal choices in general. If he cannot come on board graciously, then you're better off without him. AND, I say this as someone who has been through the whole control issue. You will survive.

Coming onto a public forum where you know no one and asking for advice speaks volumes to me. My impression is that you know deep down that something is wrong and you want some sort of affirmation about your relationship.
What you are getting is 100% warning about letting this man control your life.

Bless your heart. You are being manipulated and micromanaged. This isn't love....it's all control- His control over your life. He won't change. His former girlfriend wised up and dropped him-hence his story about her joining a sorority and becoming a frat groupie. A lie, I'm sure. If you don't want to believe us, call her up and listen to her side of the story.

Be strong. Do yourself a favor. Drop this abuser. N.O.W.

Wow, thank you guys. It’s hard to keep your eyes on what’s right and wrong when you love someone because you’re blinded by solely wanting them to be happy. Thank you so much.

In addition to the "control freak" comments above, I would like to add that when you truly love someone, you want to support them, do what's best for them, and advocate participation in activities that fulfill them as a human being. The fact that he refuses to support you or advocate for your participation in something that is making you a stronger person demonstrates his lack of immaturity, his wanting what's best for you, and, to an extent, his love for you. I'd step back from the relationship and give him some time to grow up. Either he'll come to realize how much he loves you and wants to support you OR you'll both realize that the other person really isn't the best person to bring out the best in each other. It can be a hard road, but if he's not the person for you, then there is probably someone out there who is a better fit and who is potentially the love of your life. Good luck!

Oh my goodness. Just wanted to add that I fully agree with the ladies above. Many of us are much older, wiser women and we're able to see things from a different perspective--perhaps looking back on relationships we were once in. As alittleclueless says above, someone who loves you will support you and encourage endeavors that make you a stronger person. They bring out the best in you, not shame you or make you feel bad for choices that are clearly the RIGHT choices for you. You are young, and it's hard to be objective when you're in these early relationships, especially if he's your first love. If you were my daughter, I would strongly advise you to step away from this relationship. If he is your person, it'll work out at some point down the road, when you're both older/wiser/more mature. But I have a strong hunch that once you've taken a few steps away, you'll be able to see the things we're saying a lot more clearly. Being in a relationship with a non-controlling person will also be a huge eye opener for you. My actual daughter didn't really see how controlling her boyfriend was until she broke up with him. It was AWFUL--he did everything he could to make her feel like a terrible person for leaving him. She can now look back and see the signs she missed before and she's better for it. If you do choose to leave him and do not feel safe doing so, please involve a parent or another adult so that they can intervene if necessary--I had to do this with my daughter's ex. This got way off topic of being Greek, but it really has nothing to do with that. It's about being with someone who doesn't want you doing things that don't involve him, even though you've found a wonderful place to be. Please take good care.

Advice: the right guy for you is one who brings out the best in you and actively encourages you to have new experiences and grow.

When you’re in a serious relationship in college, the most important thing is to make sure your growing up together.

Your boyfriend actively wants to hold you back and is discouraging you / disinterested in your new experiences. That’s not someone with your best interest at heart. He only wants you to be the way he wants you to be. Make sense?

It’s time to breakup with him and block his number. Go have fun with your new sisters! That’s what college is for. Get your education and have fun! Don’t be tied down by someone who holds you back.

I'm going to pass on the same advice I give to my children. Surround yourself with people who make you happy deep in your heart.

This guy isn't it.

You are in an abusive relationship. This is emotional and mental abuse. Get out. As others have said, if you give in on this, it will be something else. And then something else. And then another thing. Until he has total control over your actions and thoughts. This is not healthy. Yes- talk to his previous girlfriend. And break up with him. You deserve so much better. You deserve to feel happy, and positive about your life. You should not have to avoid mentioning something as important and prominent in your life as your sorority. You should be proud of it- not hiding it and avoiding mentioning it.

You know, my hubs actively mocks Greek Life. He and his brothers have ever since I first met him many, many years ago. HOWEVER, he loved my sisters, drive 7 hours to every formal and semi-formal event, date party, etc. He rolled his eyes, but joined in on all of the “special Theta stuff” we did at the wedding. In fact, all of his brothers also married sorority girls.

Fast forward to now. He STILL teases about Greek life, but he is the first in line to help at the Daddy-Daughter Tailgate, opens his checkbook for every fund-raiser at our daughter’s house and proudly wears his Theta Dad shirt—because his daughter asked him to.

You see, the hubs placed people abover his personal value system/insecurities. We are only hearing a part of your story right now. It could be a heart-to-heart could help your situation or it could be that this is an abusive situation. Real men won’t try to isolate you, make you choose them over other things in your life on a consistent basis or mock you for your values. It’s just something to think about...

I practice family law. This is exactly how stories of severe domestic abuse typically begin. He will not be happy until he has you isolated and completely under his control.

Yes- you need to listen to those of us who have been there. This relationship is not headed in a good direction.

He's a toxic person. He doesn't understand how relationships work. The red flags I'm seeing here are the description of his ex--this is a manipulation ploy. And even if she went Greek and was just as sexually active as she wanted to be, what's the issue with that?

This is manipulation on is part. His opinion on what sororities are is wrong, and has nothing to do with what he actually thinks--it's all about what he wants you to think. He doesn't want you to join because if you are part of a strong sisterhood, it becomes much more difficult for him to exert power and control over you. He may not be thinking of this exactly in those terms, it's more about him feeling entitled to you--and completely on his own terms. Outside influences interfere with that.

The first red flag I see here is that he's using your GPS locator as a weapon against you. My wife and I share our location, but it's not about checking up on one another or any kind of jealousy. It's more like a "It's 6PM and you're still at the office, should dinner go in the fridge?" sort of thing. If he's insecure and has trust issues, that's on him. If after two years, this is still a thing, 1) it won't get better, and 2) it's on him.

The next red flag I see here is the emotional manipulation. You want to share something great in your life, but because this interferes with having you the way he wants you and his jealousy/lack of trust, he made a power play to emotionally guilt you into quitting. When that didn't work, he came back.. oh well.. no matter that he put you through the emotional ringer, making you question your own actions and values. He's not over it, he's just moved on to Plan B.

This is called gaslighting. This is his Plan B. Again, this isn't something he's really planning, this is just a natural pattern of behavior, which is surprisingly common. Look--he even has you now saying that talking about your experiences in Greek Life is rubbing something in his face. You're not rubbing it in his face, you are sharing a part of your life and he's getting you to question your own sanity.

I know you provided some context here, but I want to break this down. When you were questioning the relationship early on, compare and contrast the tactics you used to prove the relationship was viable. Now compare what he is doing to you. See the difference? What he's doing is abusive. It may not be physical. It may never be physical. These things do have a pattern of increasing in intensity.

It's not about Greek Life for him. It's about power and control over you. So long as you're involved in things outside of the relationship, that's a threat to him.

Want a second opinion? If your school offers access to counselors, go book a session and discuss this with them. Watch them instantly pick up on the same things I am.

I predict that ending this relationship will be a nightmare. These guys don't typically go peacefully. The physical distance between you can be a blessing. You probably can't be friends. He will likely start blowing up your phone with text messages and calls. Be prepared to block him. If he continues to stalk, intimidate, or harass you, there are resources like the YWCA or women's shelters which can point you in the direction you need to go in order to get a restraining order. A lot of victims of abuse find it easier to go back to their abuser than to separate. I would advise you to do this now. Once you're living together and he has power and control over your finances, living space, children, it becomes much more difficult.

Kevin, you have said this perfectly. I was afraid that I was letting my own past color what I was telling her, but you are spot on.

This man is using coercive control to manipulate her and to have power over her. This is mentally and emotionally unhealthy for her. She will try to do everything in her power to make him happy, and he will always have another thing to hold over her.

I hope she gets out. He could very easily become dangerous. She need sot get out now while she is away at University.

I've had to undergo domestic violence training to be allowed to serve as Guardian ad Litem in cases involving domestic violence. And domestic violence isn't just physical. It's also emotional, verbal.

I would also advise OP to get some domestic violence counseling. If she's in a city of any size, there's a YWCA which will have a class for victims of domestic abuse. It'd be smart to learn about the signs and symptoms of an abuser are and what a healthy relationship looks like. Otherwise, statistically, she's likely to end up in another abusive relationship.

Kevin, you just made me flash back to when I thought First Boyfriend and I had had a very rational and peaceful discussion and decided to date other people because I’d be in college for 3 more years and had never seriously dated anyone else. The next time I called him he was sulky, withdrawn etc etc... I asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t really like the decision we made. I said “OKAY, FINE, I won’t date anyone else.” Immediately he was happy because he got his way. Even though I’d agreed through clenched teeth and basically in the tone in which a child agrees to clean their room after being nagged for hours. So from then on I started doing things trying to make him break up with me, which of course had a worse effect on me than him, but that’s another tale.

I just want to once more thank Mom and Dad 33 for holding their tongues about what they really thought of him, because had they not, I probably would have rebelled and married the jerk. OP, that’s another question- what do your parents/family think about this guy?

OP:
Please go back and read everything Kevin wrote in his "He's a toxic person" post. Even if you've already read it, read it again. There is a lot of truth and insight there, and you'd be wise to study it. There are clear patterns when it comes to abusive behavior. IMO, it's actually a good thing that such patterns exist - it allows folks to put together training seminars/recognize potential abusers/etc... Please consider the fact that strangers in this forum (who have nothing to gain from encouraging you to make certain choices) are alarmed by his behavior because they recognize the patterns he's displaying.

I wish you the best of luck, OP. Go hang out and have fun with your new sisters!

Do not count on your friends or family to catch on to this stuff. In the case of many abusers, the folks who think they know him best think he's a great guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. They can be charming, but ultimately toxic in terms of being able to be in a relationship. Many are borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, so their affliction can be described as them being potential monsters without any ability whatsoever to admit they have a problem.

Maybe years of therapy could help them cope, but good luck getting them to therapy and good luck getting them to buy in. It's possible, I guess, but probably never worth it.

Just maybe, the poor slob figures the woman he loves will be lost to him? He basically is scared to death he will lose her!:o

What I am seeing on here is the same thing I am seeing all across our Country, Hate and Miss Direction. :mad:

Slob is the operative word. From her post, he’s still in their hometown and doing nothing. He needs to make something of his life, not make her his life or make her feel guilty about her choices.

I'm sure he feels bad here, but this guy doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is not built around getting your way by making the other party feel ashamed and guilty or withholding your affection if the other party doesn't do what you want.

I predict that ending this relationship will be a nightmare. These guys don't typically go peacefully. The physical distance between you can be a blessing. You probably can't be friends. He will likely start blowing up your phone with text messages and calls. Be prepared to block him. If he continues to stalk, intimidate, or harass you, there are resources like the YWCA or women's shelters which can point you in the direction you need to go in order to get a restraining order. A lot of victims of abuse find it easier to go back to their abuser than to separate. I would advise you to do this now. Once you're living together and he has power and control over your finances, living space, children, it becomes much more difficult.[/QUOTE]

Not sure if I'm doing this quote thing right but Kevin says exactly what I was mentioning in another post--when my daughter realized it was time to break up with her boyfriend, it was UGLY, and thank goodness he was six hours away. Even so, she turned off his ability to see her location. We NEVER would have seen this coming, as we all loved him and knew he loved her. But the more distance she had, the more she could see the controlling/manipulating behaviors and those REALLY became apparent when she decided to leave him.

Back in the day when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore.... (It's an old song, sorry:cool:;) )

I went to college. I joined Theta. I met a guy. He hated I was in a sorority. We were serious for almost 2 years anyway. My mom hated him. She could see him for what he was. I hated her for hating him. He hated I went to parties. He picked fights over the fact that he couldn't come to a "closed" party with a frat. So I started not going. Then he moved away, I moved off campus with a group of very empowering supportive women. And then, breaking up with him was easy.

I was still a Theta and still in college. I met another guy. Our Sweetheart threw us a party and invited his best friend from home. Best friend was hot and we hit it off and started dating. BF wasn't bothered too much by me being in a sorority at first. It boosted his ego that he was in a long distance relationship with a "hot sorority chick." He didn't always like it that I couldn't come see him some weekends due to sorority obligations. We dated, got engaged, got married, had 3 kids, oh and he had at least 5 affairs. In 2009, when the recession hit and I was laid off, I volunteered to become a Theta chapter advisor. My husband now HATED the fact that I'd spend maybe 2 hours a month in a remote volunteer role. If I was on a conference call, he'd yell at me loud enough for my sisters and fellow advisory board members to hear. He HATED it when I had to leave him home with the kids and drive 3 hours to campus for a meeting (like once or twice a year). He now HATED my best friends from college (who were in our wedding) and HATED it when we wanted to meet up for drinks or spend time together. And because I hated fighting over it, I stopped putting forth the effort to see my friends and I began hiding my involvement with Theta. It was all about control and manipulation. And at this point, I felt very stuck because of marriage, finances, and children.

Fast forward. Divorced. Happiest I've ever been in my life! And now with a man who supports me and ALL my interests. A man who says "are you going to campus at all this semester? Just let me know what weekend, I'll come with you if we don't have the kids. Or if we do have them, I can take care of them for the day so you can go. Or, we can all go, and I'll take the kids out for pizza while you do your thing." He's not threatened. He doesn't want to control or manipulate.

Don't be like me from back in the day. Be like the me now. Your life isn't defined by the man you choose to be with. College is for finding yourself, embracing your personal growth, and establishing the foundations for lifelong friendships. He's not the one for you because he wants you to be who HE wants you to be. He doesn't want you to grow or change. He is not the one for you.

OP, I hope you come back. We want what is best for you.

I worked in a domestic violence shelter. Everyone here is right in the money. If you give in and quit the sorority tomorrow (DONT!)- it will be something else. He will ultimately ruin your college experience and possibly cause you to drop out of college altogether. I've seen it happen. I was just discussing this with my niece tonight, because her BF (a great kid) isn't going to college and I was concerned he would do this sort of thing with her. But, fortunately, he isn't. Point: not all guys are like this. Have fun. Move on.