Move Over Heli-Parents, We Now Have Snowplow-Parents
 

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/16/s...PGzcQ5leRStegY

"The bribery scandal has “just highlighted an incredibly dark side of what has become normative, which is making sure that your kid has the best, is exposed to the best, has every advantage — without understanding how disabling that can be,” said Madeline Levine, a psychologist and the author of “Teach Your Children Well: Why Values and Coping Skills Matter More Than Grades, Trophies or ‘Fat Envelopes.’”

“They’ve cleared everything out of their kids’ way,” she said.

In her practice, Dr. Levine said, she regularly sees college freshmen who “have had to come home from Emory or Brown because they don’t have the minimal kinds of adult skills that one needs to be in college.”

One came home because there was a rat in the dorm room. Some didn’t like their roommates. Others said it was too much work, and they had never learned independent study skills. One didn’t like to eat food with sauce. Her whole life, her parents had helped her avoid sauce, calling friends before going to their houses for dinner. At college, she didn’t know how to cope with the cafeteria options — covered in sauce.

“Here are parents who have spent 18 years grooming their kids with what they perceive as advantages, but they’re not,” Dr. Levine said."

Again, where has the embarrassment gone? How are these kids preferring admitting these things, to trying to make it work for fear of looking like an immature jackass?

Snow Plow parents raise Snowflake kids. Not much of a surprise. What does raise my eyebrows is that both parties seem actually proud of the inability to live an adult life!

I actually envision these parents more like the sweeper in curling... smoothing the path, eliminating bumps and dings in the road ahead, directing the preferred way for their little balls of granite ;-)

On multiple sites I see mothers of sorority girls lamenting that fact their daughters are “forced” to live in the house. “She’s never shared a room”, “she has always had her own bathroom” they’ll wail. “It’s so unfair-they’re so mean to make her honor her commitment!” Yep-mean-it’s what sororities do.

^^^ As if the house was rebuilt between bid day and the day snowflake needs to move in? lol -- um, the house had communal bathrooms and double rooms during house tours, and it still does. And you're a member!

Amen and amen!

I wonder if there is any correlation between snowplow parents and crummy marriages.

Snowplow parents and addiction. Kids can't face life, don't know how to make their own decisions so bury it all under drugs and alcohol. I was once called out by a group of mothers at the elementary school. They tried to tell me my kids were afraid of me because I made them accept the consequences of their actions. They were appalled that I made the same demand for my special needs kids as I did for my GATE kid. Today, they both run their own lives, hold jobs, and go crazy when they have to deal with those who expect their parents to do everything for them.

My daughter was telling me that her company was interviewing for an economist. To be considered for the position one needed at least a Masters, preferably a Doctorate. One young man looked great on paper, did fantastically on the phone interview and was invited for a personal interview. Kid showed up to interview with Mom. Mom became upset when my daughter let her know that she could not sit in the interview with Son. After interview while still interviewing others, Mom called daily to be updated on the "status of Son's position." After the 3rd phone call, daughter went to Powers that Be to tell them no to hire Son because he'd come with Mom included. Mom lost Son a fantastic position. They were about to offer Son the job when Mom overstepped for the 3rd time.

DaffyKD

So, would they prefer their kid live in the dorms? Because I hate to burst their bubble, but..

:eek: and :confused:

A question for the parents out there, because maybe you can understand this a little better, but how does someone do this? What turns someone into a snowplow/heli-parent?

I honestly think sometimes it happens before you even realize it. I also know that I am a control freak and therefore it’s good I’ve never had kids. But yeah, that was partially what I was alluding to with my marriage question.

I think it boils down to child-rearing philosophy. Are you raising your children to be independent or crippling them with your snow plowing, making decisions for them and orchestrating every aspect of their lives? I feel the snow plow parents are trying to make their kids lives a magical time of unicorns pooping rainbows, not realizing that at some point these children will be grown and out in the harsh cruel world that doesn't see that child as special and unique. When that happens, mom and/or dad try to plow a road back to the land of enchantment, where their darling was safe, and happy, and the chicken fingers flowed freely.

I don't think it's about the children. I think parents are subconsciously making this about themselves. It's not necessarily that they want junior to have everything, it's that *they* want to *be* everything. In other words, I think people are trying to win at the parenting game regardless of what that means for their children in the end. Does that make sense?

It's about impressing others so they think better of you. My mother was an expert at this! My ex was a molecular biologist, PhD in zoological chemistry. We were at dinner for her birthday once and the reservation was in "Dr. Titchou". As we were being taken to our table the hostess asked my husband what kind of doctor he was. Mama jumped in and said "he's a gynecologist!" Obviously an MD trumps a PhD....(it was a good thing we both had a cocktail before we left the house...all the better to deal with her)

Long-time parent and educator here--and I have seen this going on for at least 30 years. To this day, I can not believe what some parents did, even back in the eighties, to make sure their kid got X and Y.

I think, this is a hell of a mess and actually has been going on for some time until someone blew the whistle!

Parents want the betterment form their kids as mine did, but I paid and earned mine! Back when, there were NO SAT or other tests to get into college nor getting student loans. WOW how far we have come????

With today's Moral Compass and leadership, our ship of state on world of America is going to hell. Today, it is called to Hell in a Hand Cart.:mad:

Having Money has always lead the pack over the normal people! Ask our Leader, DA~! :p

THIS! That is perfect

Thetalady—you absolutely DID nail it!! ^^^ (Where were you when I once struggled for good examples of similes/metaphors for my English classes?)

Bad parenting >>>>Bad kids

When my children were small I was a big fan of Burton White's child development books. His intent was to help parents successfully raise children that will be productive and happy adults that can achieve professionally in the workforce, and personally in relationships outside of family. It was so long ago that I read the books, but as I remember it, he believes that parents should raise their children from the very beginning to understand that they are not special to anyone but their parents...and maybe their grandparents and a few aunts or uncles! The rest of the world expects them to learn how to relate to those around them without special consideration or treatment.

Per DaffyKD's post re: parents taking over the job search/interview process, a friend told me of a recent incident at her company. The CEO - unbeknownst to the young man and his father - was standing at the elevator by this college grad applying for a job at his mid-sized company. The dad was giving a pep talk - "Go get 'em! They'll be damn lucky to get you!" and on and on. Dad even went to the company floor with the kid to give a final push.

CEO went straight to HR and said that under no circumstances would they hire anyone like this. I have friends in HR who've said it goes further - parents call to negotiate the job offer, call to ask why their precious child hasn't received a promotion, etc.

It's no wonder that many kids experience mood/anxiety and other mental health issues now to the point that there are programs for the "failure to launch" and "failure to thrive" 20-something, not to mention that treatment centers are filling up with teenagers suffering from depression and anxiety.

I can only guess that these parents see their children as not only an extension of themselves, but as the parents' 'proof of success' in life, hence the hyper/over-parenting like this. Sad.

That’s why I have a whole herd of cows when I see the memes or hear actual people saying “ my children are my greatest achievement in life!” No asshat, an achievement is when you finish painting the deck in 2 hours or get a perfect score on a test. A child is not an achievement. A child is a human.

It's gone so far overboard with both parents and even with schools. My daughter goes to a (GASP!) public university where she is 100% thriving and happy. I got a lot of crap from local parents about sending her to a (GASP! Non-Ivy, less competitive school) when she likely could have gone elsewhere. Her college advisor in HS even reached out to me and said that we didn't want her to "settle" and that she should "aim for some more competitive" schools. I told him kindly to Sit Down because this school had absolutely everything on her must-have list and that it felt like home to her. I think that parents, as well as some schools who publish where students end up, get so caught up in having bragging rights to where their kids go to school, and then apparently where their kids later work. I'd personally like to have happy, healthy kids who are doing what they love in a place that they love vs. doing something more "prestigious". It's not about me. This even translates into recruitment, honestly. When my sorority dropped my daughter during rush I wondered if maybe I should have made a phone call and/or reached out to someone for "help". My wise daughter said that if I'd done this and she'd ended up in my sorority, she'd always wonder if she got in on her own merit or if it was because she had "help". Just like everything else, she'd rather be someplace where she's wanted for who she is vs. having a Mommy who bulldozed her way into it. Do I help her out with things when she's stressed or overwhelmed? Of course--I can help her think through situations and make calculated decisions, but that's as far as I think a parent should take it.

My granddaughter had to teach classes in her Freshman dorm on how to work the laundry machines; she had been doing her own since she could reach the controls. As did her siblings.

You hit the nail on the head.

My parents had a life script for me. My in-laws had a life script for my husband. (We didn't follow either.)

Part of my parents' life script for me was to go to an Ivy+ school. (I chose MIT.) But did my parents clear a path for me? Hell no. I fought every inch of the way. My parents didn't so much as hire an SAT tutor for me (and I still got an enviable SAT score).

It didn't even cross my mind, EVER, to ask them to call my professors or my supervisors to negotiate a better grade or a raise.

I don't get it. I honestly don't get it. I honestly don't get the "Mommy/Daddy, help me get this job / turn this C into an A / get me into Ivy+UThatICantQualifyForOnMyOwn" thing.

My mom is the Chairperson of the Nursing Department at a local university. She got a call from the mother of one of her graduate students complaining that the 7:00 clinical time was way to early for her precious princess. My mom declined to move it to 10:00. She also declined to allow mommy dearest to attend clinical with her daughter for moral support.

Unreal. A friend of mine is a very "squeaky wheel" parent who is constantly calling teachers trying to get them to make special accommodations for her kids because they're "not ready" to take a test for whatever reason and then complains to me when the teachers won't do it!!! She'll be the same mom calling college professors and employers down the road asking for them to extend deadlines for little Johnny or Susie.

Several years back I worked for an NGO where people had to apply to volunteer in remote and extremely underserved areas across the globe. Part of the application process included a medical exam, basically John or Jane Doe applies answers questions about their health history and if they have any current medical or mental health conditions as people are often placed in very remote areas that if an issue were to occur it might be very difficult if not impossible to provide for their needs in country based on available resources.

Depending on a person's needs we could sometimes accept them because there might be an area where they need a teacher and they have available services to manage Jane's psoriasis. Total hypothetical btw.

My job was to review the medical application and depending on the issue consult with the in house doctor to see if it was feasible to send John to middle of nowhere Africa or Asia.

IRL I had an applicant who had a medical condition (which I honestly don't remember exactly what it was) I want to say it was a issue with asthma or something along those lines. So after review and getting more info from the person and consulting with the doctors it was decided that John couldn't be medically cleared. John was upset I told him he could submit additional medical info and appeal his decision.

I then proceeded to tell him step by step what he needed to do etc. Well not an hour later I get an angry call from his mom! My first thought is you've got to be kidding me. She goes into this who thing about how her precious Johnny is fine, she doesn't understand why he didn't meet the medical criteria etc. I then had to explain that I had a conversation with her precious baby boy on what he needed to do in order to appeal, and once we receive the info we'll re-review his info and determine if the original decision should be overturned.

For a kid who basically had to figure stuff out herself, deal with consequences of not getting a great grade, or getting that job never, ever, ever would my parents have considered in the least calling a teacher, professor, or employer to plea as to why andthen is so great. My parents would say 1. you need to study more, or 2. it wasn't meant to be, end of story and no more discussion.

What???
https://www.tmz.com/2019/03/23/dr-dr...-no-jail-time/

I do agree with basically everything that’s been said, but do remember a LOT of this is a result of the national philosophy regarding parenting, i.e. the self-esteem movement. When this came about, we didn’t have crystal balls showing us that well-meant efforts to boost self esteem would have the opposite effect. It was also the time of a HUGE surge in baby/child proofing, etc. From doorknobs to electrical outlets to bumper guards for tables (is my daughter’s generation the first to reach adulthood without the ubiquitous “coffee table scar”?), we were bombarded with smoothing things out. The anti-bullying movement also has compounded the issue. Yeah, it’s serious. No, it should not be tolerated. But at what point are children left to figure it out? It’s a slippery slope.

I think I’m just saying most of those guilty of over-parenting did not endeavor to be THAT parent. They just didn’t learn when to turn it off.

I agree with this. This is not a recent phenomenon. Did anyone see the movie, "W," where George Bush was seen greasing the wheels for George W.'s college admissions?

The "8th place trophy" self-esteem movement was being discussed when I first started teaching 30 years ago. I've heard similar stories to those shared, but I think they're extreme examples, not the norm.

In the 20 years I've been a professor, I have had, and continue to have, needy students who want me to find, figure out, read, and solve situations for them on a daily basis. And, these students range from their twenties to their fifties, while others are much more self-sufficient. I am less and less convinced that this is generational, because we're about 3 generations into this phenomenon.

At some point this grew beyond parenting style. Now it's a feature in parts of the educational system, which has become its own type of snowplow.

I have a doctoral degree and I teach multiple disciplines at a public institution of higher learning. I see how early college academies and other mega-prep high schools - including and maybe especially the public ones - market themselves to parents. I see how they essentially shove students through courses of study that they are not entirely prepared for. I've had multiple students from US News gold-ranked high schools fail my college courses *more than once.*

I've also seen how even our college encourages, in some ways, our divisions and faculty to make our programs more "attractive" (read: easier, cheaper) so our retention rates will be higher. While I sympathize with students about college costs and extra-educational commitments, I'm also repeatedly appalled at how utterly unprepared so many students are for basic college life. People don't know how to read a syllabus. Honor students are shocked and horrified when they reach upper division lit classes and find they have to read a novel a week. Many students can't follow basic instructions. Every semester, I have students who should know better who get caught red-handed committing plagiarism because apparently the only way they feel they can compete is by cheating.

This isn't to say that all or even most of my students are awful, but it does speak to the willingness of some in our "industry" (ugh) to hot-potato issues/students along because it makes their jobs easier to pretend like Brick and Bunny are geniuses...when they're not.

Because even the smart kids are "taught to the test" but not taught how to think critically.

This is more true than you know. High school students become more stressed over a creative project or assignment where they cannot google the answer or regurgitate spoon-fed information back for a grade. They can't think outside the box without some major prompting. And adults have made them this way: too much standardized testing, AP/Dual Credit grabs to boost the the GPA, taking courses they aren't even interesting in just to stay in the Top 10 or Top 10%, etc. If it can't be quantified, then it has no value, sadly.