Released from FMR twice. Am I doing something wrong?
 

I've gone through FMR twice at this point. Each time, I was released after the very first day. Am I doing something wrong? I thought I was doing everything right. I didn't mention anything I wasn't supposed to mention, I got my hair and nails done and put on my best outfit, I didn't bad-mouth other chapters, I kept everything positive. One sister even told me she thought I'd be a perfect fit for her chapter.

The two things going against me are my GPA (3.08) and the fact I'm a junior. Are these enough to release someone, or am I missing something? (for the record, it's not even a very competitive school)

It really hurts being released twice. I just really hope I can receive a bid some day.

Both your grades and your junior standing are enough to get you cut at a lot of schools, for sure. Even the school I went to, which has a pretty small greek system, doesn’t see a lot of juniors pledge. And a 3.08 is definitely not considered a strong GPA at schools that are selective for admissions or that have lots of hard programs like pre-med, engineering, nursing, and so forth.

You did some things right, but the one thing you didn’t mention is building relationships with sorority women. When you have a couple of strikes against you already, the most important thing you can do to turn the tide is make friends with Greek women. And I don’t mean just become acquaintances. I mean FRIENDS.

As an upperclassman you have an uphill battle at a lot of schools. A 3.08 for your class standing probably does not make the grade requirement for a lot of groups. Additionally, no friends in the chapters to speak for you in membership selection and no recs (am assuming since you didn't mention them) and the odds are pretty insurmountable.

Eliza, I am sorry that things didn't work out for you this time around. When you posted your threads earlier this year, you seemed desperate to figure out what combination of activities would win approval from sororities. Back then, I told you to not worry about joining a bunch of clubs to impress sororities and to be yourself. I'm worried that you may have come across as "trying too hard" when you went through recruitment this time. The junior standing, GPA and that you were previously cut at recruitment might have possibly also been contributing factors this year.

I'm sorry that your personal situation gave you a rough start your freshman year; but, at this point, being in a sorority is probably not the path for you. Continue to be involved in the clubs you already mentioned to us. Make a difference on your campus that way. Your lasting memories of good times at college can come from many places - not just sororities!

Best of luck to you.

I think I know what school you are at and yes, your GPA probably hurt your chances quite a bit.

Rush isn’t a checklist of things to “do right.” It’s about connecting with other people. Did any of the groups ever have COB and if so, did you look into it?

I did COB for one sorority last year. The other chapters had it, by I didn't know about it.

I know it's about connecting with people. I'm not bragging here, I had many women at each chapter tell me I sounded like a really interesting person and they'd be excited to have me as a sister. What I mean is, I know there is a code of conduct for FMR. Is there something I don't know about that I'm messing up?

Giving up isn't an option for me. I'm just getting worried at this point because I only have one more shot at FMR. What should I do so I won't come across as "trying too hard?"

You'll never know for sure why you were released although grades, upperclassman status, etc. worked against you. Sounds like you didn't know anyone well enough (i.e., friends, not acquaintances) in houses to advocate for you. In your posts I got a sense of wanting to find a formula to be the PNM a sorority would want - that gives off an air of desperation which people sense a mile away.

It's admirable not to give up, but at some point, it's best to let go if you're not getting results; in your case, your results 2nd time were exactly as the first, so there was no improvement. Now you'll be a senior. I think it's time to move on and make peace with this. Good luck.

I released I was trying to be the "ideal PNM" so I just focused on being myself this time. I was looking in the wrong places last year in trying to get a bid. I couldn't ever let myself give up. Now here comes the countdown to COB...

Are rec letters a thing for COB? My campus seems to bring a lot of upperclassman women in during COB. One of our chapters even pledged a senior last year (can't remember if it was FMR or COB)

I did know some women in the houses (except two of them). Current sisters don't do rec letters, right?

Eliza,
No one here wants to be unkind. Heaven knows you’ve been hurt enough already by the recruitment process. However, you seem to be missing the hard truth here: there must be a reason you have been dropped so early so many times. We don’t know that reason, and maybe you don’t either, but at this point there is nothing you can do to get a bid. The sororities on your campus have had multiple looks at you, and haven’t pulled the trigger. They haven’t even taken the opportunity to get to know you better via formal or informal recruitment party invitations. There is something wrong with this situation. It is one thing for a PNM to fall through the cracks once. When every group reaches the same quick conclusion multiple times, the problem is not one that will be resolved. You will not get a bid on your campus. That is just the truth as much as it hurts. You should pat yourself on the back knowing you did all you could, and MOVE ON. You are missing out on the glorious fun of college by wasting your time on something that is not going to happen.

I know all of that was harsh and for that I’m sorry, but I hope you will realize that everyone here is trying to help and you don’t seem to be listening to reason.

Rec letters or lack of same are not the problem here. (Honestly, at this point a rec letter might hurt more than it helps.)

I agree with IP. You need to cut your losses and move on. Focus on the organizations you did join and getting more involved with them.

I am going to be blunt. You keep asking essentially the same question. We keep giving you the same answers. We cannot give you magic to make anything different. At this point, you are a very well known entity on campus. Continuing to rush is not going to end differently. I am sorry. Please enjoy the organizations that you have joined, as wildly different as they appear to be!

Upperclass COBs are typically friends of members. Most groups only have a handful of slots open so they take women they know. Sorry to say but you should listen to IrishPipes and 33.

A few thoughts:
1. Greek life isn't huge at your school. With such small quotas by year, you are definitely going to be remembered, even if you didn't do anything "wrong"
1.5 There is no upperclassman quota, so I wouldn't expect many upperclassmen to receive bids through primary recruitment unless they are close friends with a large chunk of a given chapter. The key words being close and large chunk.
2. At least one chapter has missed quota on your campus for the last few years, so there will definitely be chapters conducting COB, (well, that's kind of a given anyway, being that total is almost always set to median chapter size, so at least 2 groups would be COBing), but there's some intangible that the groups are picking up on as to why they aren't moving you forward to talk to in the second round. I fear if you continue on the same path, you'll look desperate.
3. You may get some insight from your Recruitment counselors if you ask for brutal honesty, or you may not.
4. Have you looked at community service sororities or community sororities? They won't have the same experience as a NPC group, but may fit the bond of sisterhood you seem to be seeking?

I wouldn't consider your school one where I would suggest having recs sent, unless they were from someone super influential in the organization. At a school like this, getting a rec would draw attention to the fact that you're going through recruitment again, and trying to hard, as this isn't the cultural norm for your school.

Best of luck in the future, and I hope you find a group on campus that fills the void you're experiencing.

My school has one non-NPC sorority, and it's for Asian women (I'm white)

Is there a way to not come across as desperate?
I can't let myself give up. It's my dream to be a sister.

Wait, what? Do you mean non-NPC sorority? You mentioned several NPC sororities that had chapters at your school in your other posts.

sorry, yeah, i meant non-npc

Yes. Simply put: don't be desperate.

Unfortunately, that's what you are at this point, and there's no other way to put this because it is a fact.

It appears that you are hell bent on becoming a member of an NPC sorority at your campus. So far it's been futile and given the facts presented it will likely continue to be an unsatisfactory pursuit of an impossible goal. There are some things that just are not going to happen in this lifetime for me, or for you. Accept that. Move on. There are so many possibilities in life if you will shift your focus from the one thing that you cannot have, and look at everything else that you can have.

What exactly is it about sorority membership that is making this into a Quixotic quest for you? Rhetorical question, meant to get you to look inward. Please go back and reread what irishpipes wrote.

Let's re-frame this in a way that I hope will make more sense to you. Let's say that wanting to be in a sorority is just like wanting very badly to date a boy in your biology class. You hung out with him one time for coffee and he didn't invite you for a second date. Then you went to biology study group because you're hoping to get more face time with him and he's still not interested. Then you tried to talk to him at the football game and he wasn't interested.


Now go back and re-read what you've said in terms of trying to date the boy from biology class:

"Is there a way to not come across as desperate? I can't let myself give up. It's my dream to be his girfriend."


Do you see how creepy and desperate that sounds?


It's the same way with women. Sorority women don't want invite some girl who keeps saying, "Pleeeeease!!!! I want to be like you! I'll even change my outfit and get better hobbies for you!" Either you have what it takes or you don't. We've tried to be kind to you and you don't seem to "get it". A sorority is not the student organization for you.

okay, since everyone is in agreement telling me to give up, what else is there? i mean, i guess i'll never have a house and a big and twill letters but i wish i had some sort of approximation

can't do non-npc, there are no non-npc sororities that aren't racially affiliated on my campus.

I see with a quick search that there's a chapter of Alpha Phi Omega, have you checked them out?

Life is going to spread all kinds of 'isht' on you. The trick is to take steps up and beyond the 'isht'.

Only YOU can decide the who, what, when, where, why and how of your life. No one on this board is as fully qualified as YOU to decide what it is YOU should do.

We don't know YOU. We are not YOU.

Take full control of YOUR life to truly enjoy seeing where you can go.

In short to answer your question yes. Granted your tenacity and willingness to try and problem solve is to be commended. I unfortunately based on your class standing and noting that you haven’t made a match with a group, the general consensus is to pick up and move forward. Yes it hurts I’m sure but college still has plenty of other opportunities for involvement and I hope you have and will continue to find and enjoy those opportunities. I know that’s probably the advice you want to read but this much I’m sure of is those of us here don’t have any direct influence on how and why Sally Sue is selected over Mary Anne.

does aphio only want freshmen too?

I went to their website and they have a form on it that you fill out and it is sent to the chapter President and membership Vice-President. If you haven’t heard back from them in 10 days, it said to contact their national office. It is all online under “prospective members.” I’m excited for you and the potential you offer this world.

My school's aphio chapter requires you to go to four chapter events in order to apply for a bid. I didn't go to any of them, because i was going to all the pre-fmr events. I don't think they do spring rush. Would they even bother looking at a senior's application?

Why not contact them and find out? We don't know how the chapter of APhiO works on your campus.

i should wait to contact them, right? their application is due tonight and i don't exactly want to pop up like "hey, i'm a junior who knows one person in the chapter and i didn't go to any of your pre-recruitment events but can i apply"

If you attend the university I suspect, all of your questions are answered right there on the APO chapter website under the "Join" and "Rush" tabs. Scroll down and read the very last two sentences.

My question is, I would think it would be pretty disrespectful to contact the recruitment leader on the last day of official recruitment and ask about potential recruitment in the future, despite not having gone to any of the chapter's pre-recruitment events. Am I correct to reach that conclusion?

Give it a try. The worst that can happen is they say " no" to joining right now. Don't tell them you were doing other things or that you have tried NPC recruitment- you don't want to give the impression that they are an afterthought. Tell them you just became aware of their recruitment procedure and wanted to let them know you would love to know more about them. Good luck.

I'm channeling 33girl:

NO! APO is not a consolation prize for failed NPC or other recruitment.

This thread makes me want to punch myself in the face. It has officially reached dumpster fire status. If you can't make a decision without a bunch of strangers on the interwebz telling you what to do, I am not surprised you were cut from FR. If you are so hung up on twill letters on a shirt, see if you qualify for an honors society or something.

I'm asking "strangers on the interwebz" because I would assume people on a forum dedicated entirely to talking about Greek life would know something about it. It hurts like hell. I've been released twice from FMR and once from COB. It's not exactly something I can just forget. And trust me, if I qualified for an honor society, I would do that. But thanks to awful, soul-crushing depression in freshman year, my GPA isn't the best. I wish people could look past that number.

Yes, this forum is about Greek life. And I'm sorry you were cut so many times. That hurts and I wish you didn't have that experience. But we are 3 pages in and you have yet to take any of the advice offered to you by many experienced alumnae. You also ask questions that are easily answered by seeking out the webpages of the orgs you are asking about. No matter how many times you post, the information, advice, and circumstances aren't going to change. No one is suddenly going to tell you what you want to hear or wish that you heard. Do you want friends or do you want letters on a t-shirt? Those two aren't magically linked. While you are pining for something you don't have, real friendships and opportunities for a great college experience are slipping away. College isn't forever. Don't squander it obsessing over what isn't. Embrace it and go with what is.

At the risk of sounding dense, what are good clubs to make friends? I've tried various organizations already but I don't really know how to get involved. I'm not at all popular and already an upperclassman so I worry I come across as the weird person when I show up somewhere new. Am I just panicking?

Yes. You are. You never gave two shits about APO before people on this thread brought it up. This is probably the most self aware thing you’ve done in this thread.

Everyone else: I’m going to be blunt and say EFFING STOP IT. Unless this is your APO (or GSS, or Beta Sigma Phi, or social/professional GLO) chapter and you are willing to vouch for the poster in question, don’t recommend non-NPC or NIC Greek-lettered groups as a substitute. We deal with enough of this shit without Greek Chat pushing it.

Your school has a shit ton of organizations. A metric shit ton.

Have you joined the ones that actually interest YOU, the real you, regardless of whether they would (you think) help you in NPC rush?

I mean if you love (example) Harry Potter and you join the Hogwarts club you should already have something to talk with other members about. If you’re honestly having that much trouble connecting with other people, I would go to the school counseling office. This is a skill you’re going to need when you graduate and look for jobs, no matter what field you’re in.

I’m jumping in late but I agree with the poster who recommended you go talk to the campus counseling services. If you are 20 or 21 and struggle to make friends, it’s probably time to seek some outside help.

Honestly, college is the last time of your life when you can literally trip in any direction and make friends, whether it’s in class, the dorms, an off campus apartment complex, intermural athletics, volunteer work, a house of worship, clubs, school spirit groups, etc. It only gets more difficult to make friends once you’re out in the real world starting your career so figure it out now. It sounds like for where you are maturity-wise, learning how to make friends and be social will pay off the rest of your life in a much bigger way than wearing sorority letters.

What makes you think joining a club that has Greek letters, AKA a sorority,will be any different? It's still a club(the founders of Delta Gamma called it "our club of mutual helpfulness"). You will still have to "get involved." Nothing is handed to you on a silver platter. Your perception of sorority is very skewed. I'm still very close friends with a woman I met years ago thru the League of Women Voters. Find an org that is connected to something you care about (another poster already suggested that). The college counseling service is a great place to help you sort thru things and come to determinations on the other side - find your passions, help your social skills, calm your anxieties. Try it.

ETA: And that part about looking past your bad grades Freshman year...they can't. Grade requirements for most groups are set by their national organization. And they may also be voted on by the chapter. They can't overlook it. Sorry.