I'm in Desperate Need of Advice
 

Hey, everyone! I just need advice, and this is probably going to be much longer than I’m intending (sorry).
I’m a rising sophomore at my university, and I just registered for formal recruitment for the second time. Last year when I registered as a freshman, I was really excited and hopeful. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to join a sorority. I was a competitive dancer, so I am used to having girls around that are like sisters to me, and I wanted to keep that going in college as well. Needless to say, I was released the morning of Preference Night. I was totally heartbroken, but I figured that there’s always next year and I’m not really the type to give up. So, if any of you have time, I’m analyzing what could have gotten me released last year, and why I am suddenly very nervous to go through the recruitment process again.
When I went into it last year, I was unbiased and open-minded to all the sororities on my campus. This makes me really nervous to go through again. I spent the last year trying to make friends in the different sororities, and of course with this came some bad experiences. Now, I’m afraid that I’ll get into one with a girl that I don’t get along with for whatever reason. I work at the coffee shop on campus, and I don’t want to talk bad about any of my customers, but there were some girls from a certain sorority (one that was one of the two I was dropped from before Pref Night) that came through every night and always had to make a scene, calling out things I did wrong (even if I didn’t) and generally just trying to get me in trouble a lot. I know this doesn’t speak for the others in the sorority, and this one would still be my Preference if I could do last year’s recruitment over again. I’m just terrified that their unwarranted hatred of me having an impact on me getting into this sorority.
I’m afraid that I’ll go through again and be released just like the last time. Both events at the sororities I had Sisterhood Night with the night before I was released were amazing. The events went flawlessly, and I honestly thought that I was *almost* guaranteed a spot at one of them. I’m an outgoing person, so personality and conversation is never an issue, but I suppose it could come across as fake even though it’s not. Looking back, there was nothing I would have changed that night.
I have a few theories on why I was released. One possibility is that it was raining, so I didn’t do much in way of appearance, because I knew the rain would ruin it anyway (from an appearance standpoint, anyway). My school provides shirts that we HAVE to wear, and I’m still not totally sure how to pair jewelry and shorts, skirts, or pants with them. Shoes aren’t necessarily an issue. Another could be that I didn’t have any rec letters. No one in my family is or has ever been Greek, and my cousins that went to college didn’t hang out with the Greek crowd. I didn’t realize that I needed letters, but I have them for this year, I hope. I’ve emailed and sent mail to local alumnae chapters and my mom realized that some of her clients are, or have family, that were Greek. I will have rec letters this time, hopefully.
I’m outgoing, I’ve never had lower than a B in my life, and I’ve been involved in various volunteer organizations since middle school, so none of that needs work, I don’t think. I asked one of my coworkers, who is a senior in a sorority on campus what goes on behind the scenes (I’m not sure she was supposed to tell me), but she said that in a few instances, looks and attractiveness matters. So, the dancer in me immediately starts looking for my flaws. I’m not necessarily the thinnest or the prettiest, I’m average, so if that is the issue, then I’ll probably be released again.
I’m at my wits end when it comes to recruitment this year. I wasn’t nervous at first, but now I’m losing sleep over something that isn’t for three more months. I have no idea what to wear with the shirts and my current Greek friends on campus aren’t supposed to help me, and I don’t want to get anyone in trouble by asking. I’m afraid that I won’t get as many rec letters as I need. I’m just ready for this process to be over, and for me to finally find my sisterhood. I have a constant fear of not being good enough, and I’m afraid it will affect my ability to properly converse and be myself when recruitment does come around.
Again, sorry for the book I just wrote, and if you’re still reading my sob story, thank you!

I am sorry that rush didn't work out for you last year. It seems very strange that a couple of girls would have such a dislike for you as to make it their duty to make your life miserable. What might have caused this rift? Did you attend some fraternity events where you unknowingly garnered the attention of the boyfriend of one of these sorority members? I mean, why would these girls work so hard at being mean as to criticize you at your work place? Those questions are the first you need to answer. And in that same vein, would you really want to be in the same sorority as those girls? Whether their attitudes changed toward you once you became a member or not, they are mistreating non-members and being very poor representatives of their sororities.

How big are the sororities at your school? If the chapters are 70ish or less, I would cross the sorority with the bitchy girls off your list. But if they’re 200+, you’re going to have sisters you don’t like. That’s just the law of averages.

Are the shirts giant fugly t shirts? If so everyone has the same problem.

Hey, did one of us accidentally ban her?

NOT that being banned would improve any paranoia!

Can someone restore her?

Not me.

#FreeLaceyPNM

#FreeLaceyPNM

#FreeLaceyPNM

I've been unbanned! Thank you, everyone!

FSUZeta, to answer your question, I'm not totally sure why they hate me. The only thing I can think of is that one of my suitemates is in their sorority as well and she started dating one of their exes. I didn't really get to go to a whole lot of parties because of work. I have a lot of friends in their sorority as well, and no one can tell me why they hate me so much.

33Girl, the sororities at my school aren't as large as SEC schools, but they are still 100+, so I'm not overly concerned about the girls that hate me in that sorority, because I still have friends in that one too, I'm just not sure how much weight each girls' opinion of me will carry. And the shirts aren't totally unfortunate, but they don't really help either. They are Comfort Colors and the ones we had were an ugly seafoam green, faded navy blue, and a rust-red that showed sweat (but it was raining the whole week too, so that wasn't a huge issue).

Lacey, I hope that you will work really hard to get RECS for every sorority and that you will give all the chapters a chance. As you said, you don't know how much pull your friends have in their chapter, and whether they could offset the probable negative votes from the mean girls.

This is going to be my upfront nature coming out, but why would you want to be a part of a sorority that has women who were so rude to you? What is it about this sorority that you can look past girls being complete bitches to you and want to join? I get that everyone isn't going to be your best friend, but if these girls really do hate you, and they're pulling that type of crap now, I would say with a lot of certainty that they'll make sure you're not on the bid list .

SO much YES about this post....

The things that stand out to me are:
**(like others have said) why would want the sorority with the mean girls you described? And if they behave as you say, they may have just as much fun sabotaging you during rush as they do at the coffee house. Don’t write this, or ANY sorority off your list—be just as excited to be at their party as your least favorite house. But do NOT be expecting a different outcome.

**While I understand the thought process, EFFORT MATTERS. Even if you walk in and they all start humming MacArthur Park, you’ve gotta give it your all. It doesn’t matter that you are magically water-repellent, it matters that you know how to put your best foot forward. The t-shirts can be a blessing or a curse. There are still ways to find your best look, though. Focus on what you can control and make those pieces impeccable. The right bottoms, the right shoes, jewelry, etc. If tees and shorts is what you have to work with, find shorts that fit you best, are most flattering, etc. Start now. Find the best pair of shorts and get them in a few different colors so you can choose the most complimentary color for each shirt.

Climate—southern? If so, there are some great articles on how to survive the heat. A good setting spray, waterproof mascara, battery-op fans, etc. And hydrating well the week before rush begins.

Jewelry—some places it’s still a big NO to wear a watch to rush parties. Jewelry is pretty simple (minimalistic) right now, but you can still tweak it. Are you in a Kendra Scott uniform zone? Might a (non-noisy) charm bracelet with charms that lend themselves to conversation help you out the first night? Think about options.

**you mentioned being so certain you would be getting a bid from some houses. As you now know to never take anything for granted, be sure your demeanor and “tent talk” doesn’t betray you. Don’t act over or under confident. Be nothing but cheerful.

**Remember you’re looking for sisters, not Instagram props.

**Feel brave, because you are!!

"Are you in a Kendra Scott uniform zone?"

This cracked.me.up.

But all excellent advice... :)

I realize that you think that personality and conversations are not issues for you, but I think that it's worth working on this aspect considering that you were released last year. Good conversation and personality are the two most important factors you have to convey during recruitment.

I'm not sure what you are up to this summer, but if you can put yourself in situations in which you interact with people you've never interacted with before, that might help with conversations. If someone is comfortable having a pleasant conversation with a total stranger then they are definitely ready for recruitment (e.g. the person standing in line with you at the coffee shop, sitting next to you on the bus/train, your uber driver, etc).

You might think about striking up a random conversation with someone you don't know that well and see how it goes. Don't put any pressure on yourself, just try to have fun. :)

Get those rec letters for each house!

Looks are, unfortunately, your first impression. You don't have to be a beauty queen by any means, but you want to look well put together and confident. This is what will make your first impression when you meet sisters and may influence how the conversation proceeds. I'd say it's less about how attractive you are and more about how put together and confident you are, if that makes sense.

Do what you can with your outfits--spend time on your hairstyle, make-up, accessories, shoes, and shorts. It sounds like everyone has to wear the same t-shirts, so you're all in the t-shirt boat together. Nothing you can do about that, and all PNMs are facing the same issue.

Another suggestion would be to look on Pinterest for examples of how to dress up a t-shirt outfit.

No one can speak to the specifics of this because membership selection is private and differs amongst GLOs. However, keep in mind that in any group setting, a small but vocal minority can have a large influence on the group.

If these girls dislike you enough to go out of their way to disrespect and bully you at your place of work, it seems likely that they will use any trick in the book to keep you off of their bid list. I completely agree with what previous posters have said about that.

I also wonder the same thing as previous posters re: why do you want to be a part of a group that has members who treat others in this way? You say you have other friends in this group, which is fine, but have you thought about how the girls who seem dislike you might treat you after you get a bid? In all likelihood, their behavior will not change and you may overhear them talking about you at meetings or bullying you in other ways. I'm sorry to bring this up so bluntly, but why would you want to join a sisterhood in which there is a contingent of girls who are out to bully you? And what in the world makes you think that their behavior would change if you joined their sisterhood?

First, stop worrying and fixating on last year. I know that's easier said than done, but the more you fixate on what didn't work and what might go wrong, the more you will unconsciously trip yourself up - your energy will be tense and nervous during rush and that doesn't bode well for any PNM.

Second, actives are skilled at making everyone feel welcome and wanted - that's their job in making each PNM want their sorority. So while you may have thought the parties went well, please consider that while you enjoyed them, the members you spoke with must have felt otherwise (or not strongly enough to go to bat for you), hence your being released. I'm reminded of when I've gone on job interviews - invariably the ones I thought went fantastic did not...no second round. Rush can be like that too.

I agree with another poster - work on your conversation skills and the general impression you give off to people. Do you hog the conversation? (I recall girls who did and they were easily cut) Do you know how to gracefully carry a conversation that leaves people feeling warm and glad to have talked with you? Do you give off a desperate, nervous energy? (sure way to be cut). What's your overall look? It's not about being a beauty queen, but having a fresh, modern and polished look - from your clothes to shoes to hair/makeup and jewelry. If you need help, go to a store with cute clothes and get help from someone who works there. Same for hair/makeup/etc. Looks do matter, that's the first impression anyone has of us.

Work on that and then try to just have fun during rush - be detached as much as possible.

The fraternity side of this site frequently gets similar questions. The women on here know their stuff. So take what they say very seriously.

Your original post did a pretty good job analyzing yourself and pointing out your weaknesses. Hope the following helps.

"competitive dancer" ----- I don't really know what a competitive dancer is, but the word competitive stands out. Think about just how competitive you were. Did you have a reputation? Did you compete against women who were members of the sororities in which you are being considered? Just a thought.

"there were some girls from a certain sorority (one that was one of the two I was dropped from before Pref Night) that came through every night and always had to make a scene, calling out things I did wrong (even if I didn’t) and generally just trying to get me in trouble a lot. I know this doesn’t speak for the others in the sorority" ------ I'd suggest putting this sorority low on your list.

"I suppose it could come across as fake even though it’s not." - Importatnt point. (I'll address below.)

"* * *not totally sure how to pair jewelry and shorts, skirts, or pants with them." ------- Great advice above. Easy to fix.

"Another could be that I didn’t have any rec letters. " -------- You fixed.

"I’m average, so if that is the issue, then I’ll probably be released again." ---------- (See below) Really, when you get right down to it, everyone is average in something.


"I suppose it could come across as fake even though it’s not." -------

Many people have this problem. You are fortunate that you (unlike most) know it. "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie has been recommended to fraternity rushees on this site multiple times. You can get it used on Amazon for $3.37. (You likely can find a free, detailed synopsis if you look.) Your parents likely already have the book. And you have plenty of time to practice the principles laid out in the book. At a minimum, it (and the multitude of Carnegie's follow on books) is sure to get you more tips.

Good luck.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned it, but on the cosmetic side, here's my two cents. If you can't find "official" blotting paper, cut coffee filters to a usable size. They will take the excess perspiration off of your face without destroying your makeup - and help you glow.

Best of luck!

Competitive dancer means she was part of a dance team that competed against other teams. If a sister would really drag a rushee through the mud because th rushee’s team beat the sister’s team, she seriously needs psychiatric help.

In other words it is not a one on one, Tonya vs Nancy type situation. 🔨

Thanks! Didn't know that it was a sport and industry until I looked it up on Wikipedia.