Married student wants to Rush this fall....
 

Hey, I want to rush this fall and I'm a 19 year old married sophmore. Do you think this will lower my chances of receiving a bid? I am a transfer student and don't really know to many people. The sorority I want to rush has a house and may require pledges to live their, which obviously I can not. What do you think? I am on pins and needles as tonight is rush orientation.:eek:

Thanks!!!:)

I am sure the girls on the site can give a better answer than I can.

But there will be different categories of responses from the girls:

1. You should definitely do it. And some people will mention how they have known older or married people Rushing/pledging/joining.

2. You need to understand that Rush can be very competitive at southern Schools so being married can count against you.

3. Sororities can be pretty time demanding, and you have outside committments that might prevent you from giving the sorority the time it demands.

I am sure there will be questions also:

1. Why do you want to join?

2. What school do you go to?

ETC.

Personally: I say go for it! And don't let anyone talk you out of it :D

Also, I see no reason you need to mention that you are married during Rush . . . ITs not like its going to come up during conversation lol ;)

Please be aware that some NPC groups have rules against having members that are married and their chapters need to get permission to have active members who are married. If you are going to a school with NPC groups you should talk to your Greek Advisor about these rules.

Good luck no matter what you decide to do!

As Lauraduv said . . . Find out which Nationals have rules about that in advance . . .

Does anyone know which Nationals have that rule?

Is the rule a hold over from the old days? Because it seems almost discriminatory.

Edited to add: If no one on here knows just fire off an email to an officer from each national at your school. Don't mention the school you want to Rush at, just ask about the rule.

You may not want to talk to your Greek Advisor about it. Its been my experience that sometimes information has a habit of "leaking" from Greek Affairs offices, if only because students will often work there and administrators can be careless what they say around them.

Again. If you go to the sororties that have no such National Policy, I wouldn't mention being married.

I believe that we, Alpha Gamma Delta, have this rule. I believe that any woman collegian who becomes married while still an active in school, has to take on alumnae status.

This by no means says that you can not try to join Alpha Gam. You will most likely have to do Alumnae Initiation. And some of us believe that sometimes being an alum, can be better than being an active. You get to work with your org., not only on the alum level but many times also on the colleigate level. And since you are young and still in school you would possibly be allowed to do normal activities with the chapter.
Check it out not matter whether its Active Collegian Status or Alumnae Status! Go for it.

*AGD's please correct me if wrong, or add to it :)

I have to say that I would definitely mention that you are married, unless you want to live a lie with sisters fixing you up with their boyfriends' friends and such, or pretending your husband is only your boyfriend. If a group gives you a bid and then you say "oh by the way, I'm married" they will be upset. And it could be a group that would have had no problem with the marriage factor, will be put off by your cover-up.

If it is a group that disallows women from being married, or a group that allows it but would not bid you because of it, trust me, you don't want to be there. So be honest and then go from there. I would say the same thing to married guys going through rush, too.

scprettygirl, check your pm.

33girl,

I have to respectfully disagree with you. I am not suggesting that she hide it forever or lie if directly asked.

I am strongly recomending that she doesn't mention it during the extremely shallow interview system of formal Rush.

Formal Rush is not a time designed to get to know Rushees on anything but the most superficial level.

All it is a time period where you can kind of get an impression of a person's look, and basic personality. There is no time for anything else.

Some consistant advice that can be given PNM's is to be: Friendly, Outgoing and engaging.

Another piece of advice would be to hide the quirkiness we all have.

Look at the threads on here!

Formal Rush is about liking people yes, but also finding REASONS to eliminate. Especially at the schools that have large pools of applicants.

We have thread after thread on here talking about people being cut for revealing a quirk or having an off day . . . when if they hadn't revealed that then would probbaly have gotten a bid. And then if it came up later when they were better known no one would have cared?

For you girls on here from the large schools . . . Are you telling us that you don't know at least one Sister that has habits or shows regrettable behavior that if she had talked about during formal Rush would probably have gotten her cut?

If they like her, let her get a bid, let her pledge, and if they want to drop her for that one reason later . . . let them.

James - I know what you are saying and I agree. But I know that if I personally was married, I would rather have it on the table and if they want to drop me because of it, drop me and get it over with, rather than wait till I've signed a bid and am bound for a year. I would also have the sorority hear it from me and let them know I'm proud of my marriage, rather than have it get to them second or third-hand.

It absolutely, totally depends on the school - some will not blink an eye and some will freak. There's no one answer.

Uh huh, not only do that, but I know a house full and a greek system full of them.
Point being... there would be no Greek system period cuz we all have bad habits or regrettable behavior, so we all would have been cut.
I see where you are coming from James and to a point I agree that probably the First Round could be considered shallow, but I wouldn't even say that, because of how fast it is. BUt its set up so that girls have the chance to look at ALL houses, instead of just looking at the "popular ones". They thought this would be the most efficent way to do it, otherwise you'd have girls out at houses for hours and days on end.
Also you have to remember that it isnt necessarily the whole house that cuts a girl, especially at the beginning. Girl A is talking to my sisters Suzy, Betty and Jane for 15-25 mins and she lets a quirk slip, and they cut her for it> However, if Girl A, had of been talking me and some sisters in my group, she might not have gotten cut. Maybe we would have founf that bad quirk or regrettable habit, not so bad and funny. It all depends on the person/group who you talk to. AT UM, until you get into the later rounds it's usually 3-5 sisters out of 100 or so, who vote whether you come back or not. Fair? Not always. And a majority of girls will never know the reason why they have been cut. but these are totally different issues from whats at hand. (Has feeling James might start thread about whether Sorority Rush is shallow and stuff ;))

Back to original programming....
Is the whole, you can't join a sorority or have to take alum status outdated and ludacris in this day and age? IMHO, YES! But its still here and I assume for some reason.
But I agree with 33girl. Don't hide it. Its better to be upfront. That way, you wont waste your time and effort into joining an org. that may not accept you. And as she said, going in not saying anythng and then letting it out, may cause uncomfort in the house for the mere fact that the info was withheld.
I still say go for it! :D

UMGirl,

That is exactly my point. The system has to see a lot of girls quickly, its designed to keep as many houses at Total as possible.

However, her situation isn't exactly the same as say a 40 year old married woman with 3 kids Rushing . . . That type of situation defines a lot of your life.

She is 19 and going to college and in a place in her life that lets her join a sorority. For all practical purposes she is not much different than a 19 year old girl involved in a long term relationship that she has no intention of leaving . . .

Or a 19 year old with a fiancee, I think a 19 year old with a fiancee might actually get a cluster of girls around her admiring her ring . . . and it probably wouldnt hurt her during Rush . . .

And yet she would have the same exact limits on her freedom in a long term relationship or engaged . . .


Its just that people VIEW it differently because marriage is a loaded word. It conjures a lot of ideas . . .

Does everyone see the difference? Does everyone understand what I am saying?

There is a wierd standard. A girl can be in a long term relationship that limits her freedom, or engaged that limits her freedom . . . but it is viewed differently than marriage. Even though the same situation applies.

All I am saying is that she should maximize her fair shot at a Sorority liking her as a person versus getting cut because of a silly stereotype.

Am I that off base here?

This past semester we had a new member who was married, and 3 months pregnant, when she received her bid. So it can be done!!! I say go for it.

As far as how to act during rush or rules concerning married members, I would say not to hide the fact that you are married. If you hide it, and it comes out later during rush, it could hurt you because the sisters will think you lied about it. If you hide it, and it comes out after you receive a bid, you might be in a weird position.... Some organizations that have the automatic alum status rule concerning married or pregnant members don't have to have national approval, simply a chapter vote (and if they voted to extend a bid to you, I would imagine that they'd vote to keep you as well), but some do to keep such a member as an active collegiate member. By getting it out of the way and telling the sisters that you are married, if they like you and want to extend a bid, they can take the necessary precautions to doing so.

Good luck!!!

Time for my $.02...

James, you are not totally off base, and normally I do tell women to keep certain things to themselves, but this is just not one of them.

I would say that bringing it up first round is probably not a good idea. You should let the women get to know you and want to invite you back on your merits. They will probably not ask because Boys being one of the B's is generally off limits, but don't lie if they do ask (I'm assuming they will see your ring). I would say it is definitely something you will want to discuss as you get into the later rounds (with the sorority(ies) that you think you may be asked to join)

There are some things you will also need to think about, and things the sororities will likely ask. Is your husband in school also? Is he planning on rushing as well? Is he 100% for you doing this? Will he understand the time constraints that will be added? Is he going to be OK with you going to mixers without him? Is he going to want to accompany you to date nights, formals...? Do you have children?

You will also need to find out if the orgabiztion(s) you are interested in allow married women to join as collegiates. When I pledged my organization had the rule that married women could not join as collegiates (we had a girl that was married but didn't find out til after she pledged), but I believe that has since been changed.

I was not married when I rushed but I did get married before I finished college. I was still very active in my sorority even though I was married! I say go for it! :D

I believe AZD has the alumnae intitiation for this purpose. It has less time constraints put upon the member, but it also allows the member to join, learn about the history and ideals of the organization, as well as allowing that member to live their married life. However, I don't think we allow a person to go through Rush and then be alumnae intitated. I believe (correct me if I am wrong AZD gals) that there is another specific way of going about it. It would be best to talk to some greek advisors.

I'd say, go for it. :) Don't make a big deal about being married, but do wear your wedding ring... if a particular sorority has a rule against married women going through the "normal" new member process, they will notice your ring and cut you... BUT, after going through rush and meeting women in each chapter, if you do not receive a bid through formal rush, you may find that one or more chapters is willing to sponsor you as an alum initiate, and you'll have a better idea which one org to pursue for alum initiation. As an alum initiate who's still a student, you'll be able to do a lot of the things an active would do, such as participating in philanthropy events, participating in ritual, and going to formals.

I also disagree with the practice of not allowing married/pregnant women to join or to remain active. Sometimes I think the Divine Nine have it right...

Alum initiation still doesn't do what she seems to want it to, which is to provide her with the same social/friendship opportunities that an undergrad has a right to expect. Its half a loaf.

This is not a college graduate that wants to belatedly fill an unrequited desire to join a sorority. This is a 19 year old sophomore.

Obviously she may be able to work around the different status but it still has to be worked around.

As an active sister this would all be a given and put her on equal footing with the other girls in her age group.

I still believe that a lot of you are getting hung up on the word marriage without thinking about the actual behavior pattern that is going to mean to a 19 year old.

Alpha Gamma Delta does not have this rule. However the member has the option of going alum. I'm sure most orgs are similar in this.

I have known married women to go through and pledge. It's very important to be clear when going through recruitment where your priorities are and how joining a sorority fits into those.

I do think it is VERY important to find out if you will be required to live in the house. Obviously, that wouldn't work for you!

But while many chapters "require" it, some make exceptions (for commuters, RAs, etc.), and if they make exceptions for anyone I should think they would for you.

I do believe AXDs are allowed to remain active if married.

James---Bottom line is that she's going to have to tell them (maybe not in the first round, but at least by the second or third) that she is married because some sororities have rules in place that bar regular collegiate initiation to married women. I think you're getting hung up on the term "alumna" in "alumna initiation." If she is dropped by every house during recruitment because she is married (which may happen because of the rules in place), at least she can get to know them and possibly pursue joining in a COB-type situation and then take alumna status upon initiation, if anyone is willing to do that. (I'm not sure if that makes sense because I've never encountered this situation and I have no idea how things work at this particular school, and I'm not an expert in NPC rules.) Even if she is an alumna initiate, so to speak, she is still at the campus and will be able to interact with the chapter on a regular basis. It will be the same as taking alumna status as an undergrad. She probably will not be able to hold an office in the chapter and she will definitely not live in the house if they have one, but she can go to all of the events and meetings and have basically the same experience.

Anyway, scprettygirl, I say go for it after doing some research about the organizations on campus and finding out their rules for members who are married. If you're worried about rules that say new members have to live at the house, I wouldn't worry about it because of your situation; I mean, they probably wouldn't make someone who is a commuter student live in the house, so I would imagine that you would fall under the same rules.

Oops, FuzzieAlum, I didn't see your post...guess we were thinking along the same lines about the commuter student thing.

Susan-Thanks for clearing up Alpha Gam's rule...I couldn't remember if alumnae status is required for married members, although I knew it was an option. Glad to see that it isn't. :)

I kind of agree with James on the alum initiation part - she would be able to go to meetings, but not vote. She could help prepare rush parties and attend them, but not vote on the new sisters. IMO that would pretty much blow. Part of joining a sorority is feeling you are having a part in building your chapter - and I think not having a voice to vote would take some of that away. It's one thing to go alum after 3 years of being active in the chapter, but to have to do it right away?

Also, some groups that do alum initiation, do not allow college-age women (I mean the standard 18-22) to alum initiate. The thinking of course, being that she is still at the age where she can rush and pursue membership in the "conventional" fashion.

a girl in my sorority got married this spring and she is definitely still an active sister. i don't think she feels like she fits in less, and she always a someone to bring to date parties. :)

DWAlphaGam - that's pretty much the point I was trying to make. OK, she can't vote, but she can still go to social and sisterhood events, and do a lot of the things a collegiate member can do. It's probably more like 3/4 of a loaf.

33girl - that's a good point about age, but if she's ineligible to join a particular sorority through the "conventional" collegiate process because she's married, her age alone shouldn't keep her out of the alum initiation process. However, something just occurred to me - some orgs that do alum initiation require that you have a college degree.

scprettygirl - good luck :)

Thank you for correcting. I thought it was still in place b/c of something one of my sisters said :D

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
 

The military's policy vis-a-vis gays may work well in this situation and I agree with James -- I do not even think you should make the effort to find out which sororities prohibit collegiate initiation of married students...I think that you should just NOT volunteer up front that you are married. And then you should carefully consider volunteering that fact in subsequent rounds. If in the unlikely case that you are asked, then of course don't lie. By the time pref party day rolls around, you should feel comforatble at certain houses to perhaps drop tidbits in your conversation like "well when my hubby and I went to that restaurant...blah blah blah"
My personal experience with a similar situation is why I agree with James & the don't ask, don't tell policy: I was in ROTC at a university in very-liberal southern california in the early 70's; when I rushed, I did not volunteer the info that I was in ROTC upfront and no one asked....however, in one house, a girl rushing me asked a question that could have only been answered by admitting I was in ROTC, so I did...of course I was dropped the next day...
I think eventually, Panhel // Greek affairs offices will have a space on their rush application forms that ask about marital status...

i hardly think you can call USC in the 70s a very liberal Southern California School. It's pretty much as conservative as we get down here now and was then too (by my parent's accounts).

I think that keeping your marital status a secret is an injustice to you and the orgs. If you pledge a group that cannot initiate you then you will have to wait a year before rushing or pledging again and you've taken away a quota opportunity from that org. I also think lying is a bad way to start off a lifelong sisterhood experience.

Just my two cents.

Laura

Hmmmmm....
 

....compared to other California colleges, perhaps USC was not so liberal back in the 70's -- I don't know how it is now as I have not lived in Southern Californoa for many decades.

But you know, I sure felt like USC was liberal when I was there! As an ROTC cadet who was being personally subjected to jeers merely for wearing my ROTC uniform on campus, and witnessing up close and personal antiwar protests on campus, being dropped like a hot potato at a dance when my so-called date found out I was in ROTC...well to me who experienced it first-hand, it sure seemed pretty liberal!
I am not sure what perspective your parents are coming from to say USC was not very liberal but I would respectfully have to disagree with them.

Anyways, I do not advocate lying, nor did my earlier post advocate lying, but what I did advocate is NOT volunteering the info right from the git-go...just as one would not volunteer other "sensitive" info right at the start, e.g. Rushee: "Hi, I'm Mary and I'm gay..." or "Hi, I'm Mary and my father is in prison..." etc

I do/did advise that at some point before pref party day (to avoid precisely the problem lauradav points out -- e.g. wasting a quota opportunity) scprettygirl will hopefully feel comfortable enough to put the fact of her marriage out in the open in some way...

I know that Kappa Delta will not bid married PNM's, although a sister who gets married while still a collegian has the choice to remian active or go alum. Check with your Greek Life Office; I'm sure they know the individual groups policies. It's better to be up front with the sororities; you want them to bid you for you and if they can't accept the fact that you are married, then you more than likely don't belong there anyway. I wish you the best of luck with recruitment!

Ummm... this is not true.
An individual chapter may have that as an "attitude" or unofficial policy, but this is not a national KD policy.

Go ahead! Although there may be some national policies against giving bids to married women, they are outdated! As you can tell from this board, most members/chapters have no idea what their rules are on the issue.

On the issue of them wanting/ not wanting you because you are married, you don't want to be a part of a goroup that will throw you to the wayside once they figure out you have a hubby. Personally, I wouldn't offer the info just so they know (like, Hi! I'm gay), but I wouldn't hide from it up either (ie, if a sister says something that reminds you of your honeymoon, or of your wedding, tell the story).

My boyfriend is divorced and has a 2 year old and is thinking of rushing. He'd be the best brother if he decided to do it, and I'd have a much worse opinion of any frat on campus thought to turn him down because he couldn't live in the house.
-M

I know my AGD chapter has pledged married women so go for it!

Re: Married student wants to Rush this fall....
 

Oddly enough, according to her profile, her birthday is August 3, 1974. That makes her well over 19 yeats old. :rolleyes:


.....Kelly:)

yeah I was wondering about that....

We gave a bid to a married woman this fall. We have had other women in the past also married coming in to Phi Sig. Phi Sig's policy as sure as other NPC sororities doesn't state that you can't extend a married woman a bid, and at any time in her active membership she can be granted alumnae status due to being married. I hope that info helps. kinda repeated everyone else, but oh well.

Thats strange about the bday info.... who knows

Everyone does realize that this thread is from over a year ago lol?

But, I think we can tell from her lack of follow up posts that we managed to talk her out of Rushing and genuinely probably made her feel very bad about herself lol.

And I always thought girls were more supportive of eachother!

I know it's from last fall, but the issues are still current. Some other woman might be interested in the information.

Anyway, the fact that she never returned doesn't mean we scared her off. There are posts all over this board from people who posted once or twice or ten times and then never again.

I don't think anybody said anything that should have scared anybody off . . .

Reread it gorgeous ;) . Trust me. Almost no one would Rush after this one.

James,

maybe she left because Kelly "outed" her. :p

Oh please, James. If the information read in this thread made someone decide not to rush then maybe they aren't cut out for it to begin with. I rather suspect what made her decide not to rush is that she is a 29 year old married student, (as her profile states) and not 19. There is a big difference in a 19 yr. old going through recruitment (married or not) and a 29 year old. Methinks she was yanking our chains a bit.