Dumb rec question.
 

Hey all,
Ok, so I've never written a rec before. I have a really dumb question, and I apologize in advance.

I was asked about a month and a half ago for a rec. Competitive school, but not SEC. She was a relative of an acquaintance so I said sure, but let's email back and forth a couple times so I know you're not a total psycho. No problem. She seemed super sweet. So I wrote one, no problem. I told her it was done, heard nothing. Waited, then asked my friend. Apparently, as my friend apologized a bit to me (he wasn't in Greek life), the girl said she didn't give a you-know-what about my group, she was just told to get all the recs, and she wouldn't join my group if her life depended on it. Well. I wasn't happy. So, what to do? Can I rescind my rec? Just write another that's a no rec? Any help would be much appreciated.

I'm sure her behaviour in the parties will reflect her attitude. She'll take herself out of that mix. I'd leave it be. Unless of course you wrote her a glowing rec with TOP RUSHEE MUST PLEDGE in red letters across the top. In which case, you'd need to contact the chapter adviser.

I agree with Titchou - let it be. If she doesn't care, she'll give off a negative vibe.
But... Who knows? Maybe she'll change her mind, once she's met the members.

Yeah, probably will. Thanks. Was just pretty disappointed about her lack of class and attitude over the whole thing.

I would send a follow up note to the chapter outlining what the girl said and let the chapter decide what do with it. I guess I am a vindictive old alum, but if she wouldn't join Kappa Delta if her life depended on it, then she doesn't need a rec to my beloved Kappa Delta from me. So there, entitled bitch!

Too bad you can't share what school and who she was. I'm sure many alumnae of the various NPC organizations would not want someone with such little class joining their organizations. I certainly wouldn't want someone like that in mine. I think that many women forget, as recruitment approaches, how much we all talk to one another and are actually friends. I have friends from pretty much every NPC organization. If any of them were treated poorly by a PNM, I would make sure that my organization knew about this young lady who does not know how to conduct herself respectfully to their fellow NPC sisters.

At least the school and where she's from and allow gcers to pm you. This behavior should not be tolerated.

This is why I like you so much! You read my mind.

Since you didn't hear it straight from her, I wouldn't address it. People have commented time and again on this board how young and naive they were during recruitment when they thought they knew it all. This could be your friend's relative repeating what she's heard before recruitment even begins, not fully understanding the impact of her words. I would hate to ruin her chances before she gets to possibly have her own "aha" moment, when she realizes that her preconceived biases don't match reality and she regrets having ever said what she did. She could end up being a wonderful, mature leader in 4 years (or not...but let it be her own undoing).

While I agree, to some degree, let me play devil's advocate. We typically say that it's important to have a good character to join a group. At least thank the person that wrote a rec. You may favor one over another because of whatever reason (this girl knew no one in her family who was Greek, so no legacy) but you should be a decent enough person to not give a big FU to the person that tried to help a bit. Plus, I completely believe my friend, and actually think that he dialed it down a bit to soften exactly all she said to spare my feelings. Just a hunch, as he won't go into it, but I trust what he said was spot on. There's a difference between being young and not knowing any better and being young and acting in a way that would be very unbecoming of any sorority woman. Just my $.02.

Thinking of responding to PMs from established GC members that ask for details.

I've been thinking about your situation. I believe that I would find out who the recruitment and/or general advisors for the chapter are and phone them or send them an email telling them that you have further info on this PNM and want to revise your recommendation to a no rec.

I wouldn't report a "she said-he said" middleman report. I'd let it go.

Just to be clear, you didn't actually tell her "let's email back and forth a couple times so I know you're not a total psycho." Right? Or, say that to the middleman friend? Because who knows what he has said to her. If she heard that, she might have been offended. Like you're offended. Maybe the friend is stirring you both up.

No, of course I didn't say that to anyone. Plus, I believe my friend. He does not stir stuff up. Plus, I've emailed her, reaffirmed the rec was sent, and it's been radio silence from her. A thanks would've been nice. (Edit: Or a no thanks, I changed my mind, sorry.) But I hear I went through it for nothing, that i put my own name on a rec for someone that I'm embarrassed to recommend to a chapter of my sorority, then yeah, I'm kind of peeved.

I hope she's really not just being a Bratty McBratterson because one of my bridesmaids was a KD and all the ones I've met have been fabulous women. She should feel honored if they offered her a bid. :D

The PNM is what? 18 years old? Please.

IMO we should just sit back and let the bids fall where they may.

Related story: a woman, upon learning where my brother lived, remarked "If I lived there, I'd kill myself." He calmly looked her in the eye, and politely said "What a funny thing to say. Whatever do you mean by that remark?" She turned bright red, and said not another word.

Point: people say really stupid things all the time. Let it go. One 18 year old's opinion of my sorority doesn't mean anything to me. My inside voice is saying to the 18 year old "Whatever" (with a sigh, and very slowly rolled eyes).

People do say stupid things all the time. Are we to always let it go? This one is rude about a sorority. Should I have let it go when a guy used the phrase "towel head" in my presence? Your words have consequences. And bitchy words are bad for our world. It foments hate, distrust and division. Fight that behavior!

Consider the source, DS. There are threads on here about cutting 18 year olds a break. I'm inclined to do that.

And equating an 18 year old's comments with a racially negative comment is not sound reasoning. I believe it's somewhere on my logical fallacies chart, which is hanging on the wall in my office in another zip code at the moment.

Nowhere did I say we should "always let it go". Thanks for not leaping to conclusions.

Listen. I'm not equating this to hate speech. But hear me out.

Yes, 18yos can be dumb. I was one. Hell, I'm almost 36 and still am dumb sometimes. This is about me having my name attached to a rec for someone who has shown herself to be someone other than the person I thought I spoke to numerous times. And that I don't really want my name attached to her application saying that I think she's hot stuff.

That's why I said what I said! If you told them she was great, then, yes,you need to let them know. If you just sent them an OK rec, that's a different story.

It sounds like you have already made your decision. If that's the case, then contact the adviser. Tell her discretely what you were told, which is secondhand information. Or, just tell her that new information has come to light and you would like to withdraw your rec. Ask her to handle this discretely, without hurting the chapter members' feelings. I'm assuming this may be a WRC; your sisters don't need to hear that a PNM was putting them down. Protect your sisters from the hurt feelings you've experienced.

My point wasn't so much about what she said, but that it is hearsay. No, you shouldn't always let things go, but I do pause before acting on what I hear through someone else vs what I hear directly.

Perhaps this is a bit of a cautionary tale to only issue recs for people we meet in person - no matter how glowing the opinion of the person who introduces them to us. Snowing someone via keyboard is far too easy.

Agree with 33. I have been asked for recs by some women whose paperwork looked good but they had major personality problems that could really screw up a chapter.

As alumnae my mother and I have both been in the same situation in which we had to not recommend a pnm or contact the rush chair/advisor directly to share our concerns.

If you are not comfortable writing a recommendation don't do it or as suggested earlier, contact the chapter to withdraw your rec.