Second Thoughts...
 

I just transferred to a new school this semester and decided to rush. I ended up getting bids from the top two fraternities I wanted them from, Kappa Alpha Order, and Phi Kappa Psi. Picking between the two was one of the hardest decisions I had to make while at a new school where I knew a total of zero people, and in a new city. I ended up picking KA. It has been four weeks since rush, and for the past weeks I have been having second thoughts. It started out every time I would see a Phi Psi on campus- I would feel guilty every time they would say "hi Josh," or ask how I was doing. Then I started getting "what ifs..." I would wonder what they were doing, how they were, what their pledge class is like. it was not until last week that I really started to regret not joining Phi Psi. I am home on spring break now, and taking this week away from school to figure out what I want, and what would be best for me.
*Here is where I need your help:
Is it normal to have second thoughts about the fraternity you join?
Should I quit KA for Phi Psi?
What should I do... I really need some advice from other Greeks who do not know me or my school!!
Email me, or reply to my post!

I am afiliated with Kappa Alpha Order in Texas (I am a Southern Belle), so I am kinda familiar w/what you are asking. I have spoken to several pledges who are thinking the same thoughts you are. *What is making you have second thoughts about KA?* I am not being biased, I am just wondering what they may not be offering you that you are looking for. Since it has only been four weeks since you pledged, you should give them a chance. I know there are hardships during pledgeship, esp. for males. And I know what it's like to have second thoughts. There are probably more greeks out there than you realize who have questioned their choice. I think it's normal for you to wonder about how others are doing as pledges. You probably got close to some guys you went through rush with, and even though you went your seperate ways, please realize you are all essentially in the same boat.
I know that KA's here have had pledges in your position (wanting a second chance from KA or wanting to leave KA for another GLO). I believe that it is looked down upon in most, if not all GLO's, for a pledge to change his mind during pledgship. There are probably some things that you have learned in your four weeks that they don't want you carrying to other chapters. That might not make sense, but they have already accepted you into their family. It's not a decision they took lightly.
Not knowing anyone at your school was probably the best thing for you. Probably the most difficult for you as well. But that meant that you were totally open minded, good for you! What made you pick KA over Phi Psi? Whatever this reason was, I am sure that deep down you knew it was right for you and still do. Something drew you to Kappa Alpha Order and something about you made them want you just as badly.
As far as the Phi Psi's talking to you, I am sure the KA's (or any other frat) would do the same if the situation were reversed. Surely the KA's speak to you as well.(?) Both of these organizations cared a great deal about you and where you would end up. There is no reason for you to feel guilty. There is nothing wrong with remaining friends w/these guys. Just give your KA brothers a chance. Learn more about what they represent and I am sure you will want to become a part of it.

josh80,

I rushed KA and received a bid back in Spring 1994. They were great guys. TxTechChiO gives some good advice. Dont ever feel guilty about a decision you want to make. It is a lifetime decision and do what you think is right for you. You'll still be able to be their friends if you choose another Fraternity. When I got a bid from Beta, I knew it was what I wanted. There was no debate. Initially, I did feel some guilt about it for the KAs but I got over it. My advice is to give KA a chance and go with your "gut". Good Luck. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Kevin

josh8o~

Do what your heart tells you to do. Don't worry about making others happy, do what makes you happy. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif Let us know what you decide.

Have a nice day http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

~Amy

Simple question: do you enjoy being a KA? If you do, then you have nothing to worry about.

Josh, there will always be doubts, that is human nature. I was a pledge of a Big Nat. Fraternity and got the boot 32 weeks before school and iniation were over.I started a local that affiliated with LXA and have never looked back. We have been on campus of a Kansas State U. for 36 years. While I had and still do have freinds in other Fraternitys, I Am STILL A LXA, AND WILL ALWAYS BE!!!! Be True to yourself and not the world or you will get sucked into the vortex of life! Damn, I sure surprised myself on that one!!!

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Tom Earp LX Z#1
Pittsburg State U. (Kansas)

Josh,

Second thoughts are normal, just like pre-marriage jitters! Don't feel like you are being disloyal or anything.

If you spend all your time saying to yourself "I'm so miserable in KA, I should have chosen Phi Psi" then quit. But if you are enjoying KA in general, then stick with it. Stay friendly with the Phi Psi's - just because you aren't brothers doesn't mean you can't be friends. That way they know it's nothing personal, just that you chose what was best for you. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

Thanks. I would love to give KA more of a chance, but it seems that my gut tells me I belong at Phi Psi.

Thanks. I sure will. I know I will be sure of what I will do soon, and when I get back at school I will let you know what happens.

I do enjoy being a KA. But I can’t determine if I like being a KA or in the Greek system in general… I don’t feel like I am being true to myself if I feel this way, and I don’t know if what I am feeling is just nerves, or if it’s a sign that I chose the wrong house.

Nothing about KA is making me want to leave. The guys are nice. The house has been fun. But there is that big part of me that just wants to be a Phi Psi.
Being new to the greek system, and the fakeness of rush I was not prepared for all the bull shit. Phi Psi was my first choice from the week before rush when all the fraternities had tables set up on campus, and even throughout rush. But the night that KA gave me my bid they also invited me to their after party. I told myself at the start of rush that I would not go to any after parties because I did not want to be influenced at all. Anyway, I felt guilty for getting a bid and telling them I needed 24 hours to think about it (and Phi Psi had not started bidding yet) so I went to the after party. I had so much fun with the guys, and that is the main reason why I chose KA over Phi Psi. Even though Phi Psi offered a lot more that I was looking for, and was the “realest” fraternity I visited during rush.
You have to realize something; I knew no one at this school, I did not click with anyone of my floor in my dorm, and I was lonely. Looking back now I see a fraternity trying to impress me and win me over just so I would sign their bid. I realize I made a mistake, and want to correct it, regardless of the consequences.

I thought about that too, but that is not the issue. Regardless of what they do, I feel guilty. And I’m constantly thinking about this other house. When I talk to people and tell them that I am a pledge of KA I always mention that I almost went Phi Psi (and not in a sarcastic rude way, I say it with pride like it’s a honor).

Thanks. I am trying to figure out what is best for me right now.

i have been talking to some of my friends back home who are in the greek system at other schools, and some of my friends at school who are not in the greek system. they all seem to say the same thing: if i quit i am screwed. ka will talk shit and hate me, and the other frats at my school will find out that i quit and not bid me the next time around, or even worse; phi psi will not bid me again. what do you think? is this likely? should i worry if i decide to quit ka?

Wow http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif . I just caught this thread, and....wow.

He're my take (i always seem to have one! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif ) It seems to me like you already know in your heart want you want to do.

It appears that you are staying at KA more out of the fear to leave than the desire to stay. I would never suggest depleging. No one can give you advice on that. But what I would suggest is seeing yourself with the people you have chosen to call brothers. It is a committment for life and not one to be taken lightly. You obvoiusly felt comfortable enough with the KAs to pledge them. So my guess is, you wouldn't be miserable if you stayed. But if you always think of the other frat then, I dunno.

Compare it to chosing a wife, a lifelong partner. If you chose to marry her because you do really care for her, but are always wondering about that other girl you were seroiusly into, then eventually you will resent the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Or, you may realize that you made the right choice and find true happiness with the one you've chosen. It stinks that we can't all have crystal balls. Life would be so much easier!

Make the choice that is best for you and have no regrets.

I hope it works out for you.

Leslie

this is kinda late, and since i'm not greek (yet!) maybe I don't have a linceance to talk, but I think it would be okay to have friends or aquaintences or whatever you call people that say whats up to you in other fraternties. I say whats up to people i don't even know sometimes. Someone please correct me if i am way off in left feild on this one, but thing of the whole greek system like an extended family. Your fraterty brothers are like your immediate family, and the others maybe like cousins, of depending and varying distance from your self. Just because you love your brothers doesn't mean you should not have respect or some feeling for cousins.

It's not just about respecting your "brothers and cousins" Billy. Ideally you should show every single person you encounter with respect, whether Greek or not, until they give you a reason not to.

This doesn't mean you say Hi to every single person you are walking past because that would be draining on you...

Ok, here's the deal...
My spring break was good. I got some good advice from all of you (Thanks) and from some of my friends back home. I had decided to stay with KA and see what happens. I figured that if I still felt the same way in my gut after a little bit longer then I would quit. Then the night before I left to come back to school I found an old post from January in the Greek Life area titled "Kappa Alpha Order." Reading it gave me some shocking information.... I had no clue that people thought of KA as a raciest fraternity. I know that it is only at some of the schools, but it is very disturbing. The KA chapter at my school is nothing like this, therefore I chose to ignore it. Then on my flight back to school I noticed some old man look at my pledge pin, then look away.... Regardless of what he was thinking, it got me to thinking. By wearing a KA pin, and in the future letters, I would not only be representing the KA chapter at my school, but the KA organization as a whole. I do not want to represent a raciest fraternity in any way shape or form. I intend to put being in a fraternity on scholarship applications, and job applications in the future. I don't want someone to see KA on there who knows of the "problem KA's." At that point I knew that I needed to quit. I gave my pin back on Monday. I was sad at first-I was no longer in the Greek system. But I felt that the internal conflict and stress over what I should do was over. No regrets this time. I have decided to lay low and take the rest of the semester as it comes. In the fall I'll go through again, and maybe the next time I log on here I will be a Phi Psi!!!
Thanks everyone, it's been real!
Josh

Josh,

I hope everything works out for you!

Amy

Josh,
Ultimately you have to do what your heart tells you to do, but I think you should give KA a chance!

I'm sorry, but I think to drop out of KA because of what people MIGHT think is kind of sad. My brother is a KA, and is the most fair-minded person I know. I personally know dozens of KA's from several different chapters, and I have yet to see any of them as being racist.

The fact that you were torn between KA and another fraternity is one thing. But to drop KA because of a thread on GreekChat is another entirely. I believe that your mind was probably made up that you would rather be somewhere else and the racism issue gave you a reason to leave.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, but that's how I see it. No offense intended. It just really makes me mad whenever I hear people equate racism with Kappa Alpha. The fact that a famous Confederate soldier, Robert E. Lee, is honored as the fraternity's spiritual leader does not make every KA brother a racist.

***dzrose93 getting off her soapbox***

I did not quit KA because if the race issue... that was just a small factor, and at the time I found out about it, it became the last straw. I know what you mean about not all KA's being racist. I did not drop out because of what people "might" have thought. I did not want to represent an organization that is known in certain places in our country for being racist. Racism is something I feel very strongly about. I know that not all KA's are racist, and I’m sure your brother is a cool guy, but I can't ignore the fact that race is a problem with KA... I know that no frat is perfect, but having a rep like KA is enough to make anyone take notice. You have to admit that every time you meet a new KA the thought must cross your mind... wondering if they are racist.

Actually, no, that thought doesn't even enter my mind. I've never been less than impressed by the KA's I've met. The Southern Gentlemen idea is something that they take to heart and I respect them greatly for it.

The fact that there are African-American KA brothers, as well as many other minority members, is another reason that I find the racism stereotype so outrageous.

Stereotyping is a huge problem with Greek organizations, no matter what organization you're talking about. And I think it's wrong for people to automatically assume that Kappa Alpha Order condones racism just because of a few isolated incidents. That would be like me automatically assuming that XYZ Fraternity is nothing but a bunch a druggies just because 3 out of 200 chapters have been kicked off campus because of drugs in the past few years.

It's just an issue I feel really strongly about, as I'm sure you do, too. At any rate, it doesn't sound like you were happy in Kappa Alpha, so I'm glad that you left when you did. No one should ever feel forced to stay in a situation they are unhappy with, and it would probably have only ended up hurting you and the chapter in the long run had you stayed.

I hope you find what you are looking for in the other fraternity. Please keep all of us on GC posted!

Hell yes there is Racisim out there!
But I don't want to tell Brother R. Jenkins or our new Associate Member that as they may think unkindly of us!
Our Patron Mrs L. who is the most Southern Lady I know absolutly Loves Brother Jenkins. The only time I give him Hell is when He does not get back to see Her!
I just figure Brother Jenkins does not have to work on His tan as hard as I do!
Damn does he have all of the luck!!!!

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Tom Earp LX Z#1
Pittsburg State U. (Kansas)